Girl Time....

I'm actually kinda excited....crazy as that may seem to those of you who truly KNOW me.

My boy will be at a sleep-over party, which presented an opportunity I have been praying for. Some "girl time" with my daughter.

I am almost continually reminded that she is growing up very quickly, especially as we are planning next month's birthday party. I am as frequently reminded that she is looking to me to set the example of being a girl and growing up into a woman. If I fail to be that example, she will look elsewhere.

I am not deluded in believing that she will not also look elsewhere. I know she will. The world, the media, and her peers are also setting examples. She is a girl who is very social, very impressionable and very much has her own sense of "style".

So, I asked her.... "what do you want to do for our girl night?" Her immediate reply: "SHOPPING!!"

The fact that that prospect excites me is nothing less than a miracle of God. Generally speaking, I LOATHE the mall. I think it's over priced, over crowded and utterly too commercially-focused. But... that's it's purpose, I suppose. And, for every bit of girly-girl that my daughter is, I am not.

I am the outdoorsy, down to earth, teach my little brother how to catch frogs kind of girl. If I HAVE to wear a dress, I will, but give me a pair of jeans and a regular old shirt, and I'm good! (I do have to say, for the record, I find myself picking some more "girly" tops and shoes with heels - and kinda liking them... so there is hope for my feminine side yet!)

Co-incidentally enough, it just happens to be the very same day that I get paid for my teaching and the extra shifts I've done at the hospital. So, there is actually a few dollars that can be allocated to this event!

We are thrilled and excited. I have so many things in my head to teach her - budget, comparative shopping - but mostly, I want to have some time with my daughter. Some time to be girls and connect with each other.

Oh... did I say, after we finish shopping, we plan to come home, soak our feet, give 'em a good scrub and a pedi....? Oh yeah....

..... Wait.....

Sometimes, God tells me to "Wait". Generally, I'm pretty good about listening these days. I spent many, many years trying to force open God-closed doors to no avail. It didn't matter how many times I tried to push and force my way through them, it didn't work. Oh yes, sometimes they opened, but results were beyond "awful".

So, through trial and error and beating my head against many closed doors, I have learned to "wait". It's is not pretty, nor is it comfortable, but little irritates me more than having to be rescued from a self-made mess....especially if I have been ignoring instructions!

There are a few situations that arise from time to time, that I just want to barge through and "fix" myself. "Wait...." He says. I grumble. ".... Wait...."He says again. I grumble louder. "Not now." (or "not you" or "not that way"). Finally, I'm done. My prayers become very specific "God, please fix THIS (since You won't let ME do it!), or disconnect my heart from it".

Then comes the word I hate. "No." He says. "NO?! Are You KIDDING me? NO!??"

"No."

There are no words at that point. There is only the knowledge that, for the time being, the issue will ebb and flow.

"If You won't fix it and I can't fix it, and You won't disconnect me from it, will you PLEASE protect my heart from it - or at least help me to learn quickly so we can move on....?"

And so it has been....

And every so often, I see a bit of improvement - whether it's in my outlook or the situation itself, I'm not sure I'll ever know...

My Love / Hate Relationships....

Crazy as it may sound, I have a love / hate relationship with the internet. I love being able to search for whatever I want, or shop for whatever I want, whenever I want. I can "window shop", or comparative shop from the privacy of my own home.

But, overall, I don't like to shop. I do like to converse with my friends. I like Facebook and email. I love having met some people who are very, very dear to me.... a few that I have never seen face to face.

But, there in lies another problem. I am very curious to see how this generation - this generation of "screens" - will turn out. I think of my children... they have never known a time when there wasn't the internet.... nor has my babysitter, for that matter. Cell phones, texting, ATMs, email.... DS....

There seems to be an interpersonal "disconnect"... and it's becoming one of my soap-boxes. Why call when I can text (I'm guilty as charged, by the way!)? I don't know the last time I sent a handwritten letter... Yes, the DS makes many, many situations more enjoyable for all involved, but does my son learn to be patient, to interact with a group of adults, or sit quietly through something as "BOR-ING" as a communion service if his head is buried in it?

It's interesting to me the dichotomy - or perhaps it's a revision of the definition of "Friend". "Friendship" by my definition, involves some sort of connection that is deeper than a casual interaction. Facebook tells me that I have 365 "friends" - one for each day of the year, I suppose. I couldn't list them if my life depended on it.... yet some of my dearest friends are NOT on that list .... they either haven't joined or don't have internet.

So, I'm curious. Yes, I am grateful for the conveniences in my personal life, but I fear we will kill ourselves in the name of convenience....literally....

When One Teaches, Two Learn

As the moments between today and tomorrow blur, I take time to review the events for the tomorrow.

I will get to meet new students beginning their second year of the nurse practitioner program. We'll tour the unit, and begin new relationships - with each other, with patients and with the nursing staff.

We will come together, form a team and move forth. We'll share six short weeks and then, continue on in separate directions.

Some of them will linger in my memory. I hope to be able to share some of what I have learned through the years in the world of nursing. Yet, I know, when one teaches, two learn.

I will learn from them as well. It's one of the things I love about teaching: I learn from my students. Oh yeah, and I love those "light bulb moments", when suddenly, it makes sense!

Guide me as I begin another semester. May I teach as much through my actions as my words.

Be with us as we begin...

"That Day": Tying Up Transitional Loose Ends

There are sometimes that I really love transitions. Those times when big events are over and other events are about to begin.

I especially like them when I have time to tie up the lose ends of the old and plan for the new.

Today is that day. I love "that day". First of all, I love having "that day" AVAILABLE! But, mostly, I love the fact that spending the time to tie up the lose ends frees my brain from the mental clutter of things left undone.

Household jobs are like that. Relationships are like that. Seasons are like that. These events are like that. Spiritual growth is like that.

There are always transitions. Always.

May I stay focused to task. May I experience closure as these events are completed...

My Gratitude List

Thank You, God for a group of people that work well together....

Thank You, God for people who excel at "attention to detail"....

Thank You, God for those who keep things in perspective....

Thank You, God for those who make others smile.... and laugh....

Thank You, God for those who give generously - of their time and their resources....

Thank You, God for people who remind us how much we have to be grateful for....

Thank You, God for those who protect our safety...

Thank You, God for children and parents and teachers and administrators....

Thank You, God for families and villages and communities....

Thank You, God for all the blessings that You continue to bestow upon us....

Festival Time!

I just need to take a moment to brag on our Elementary School. We have a great group of students, teachers and parents!

It is an honor to volunteer with such a wonderful, creative, hardworking bunch of parents! Whenever there is a need, there is a set of hands to help. Small tasks, big tasks... somehow it gets done....

Every year, we have a Fall Festival. It is our big fundraiser of the year - games, inflatables, silent auction, live auction! (this year - PONIES!) I have always enjoyed watching it come together.... from basket assembly to coordination of donations. Game volunteer schedules and concession stand schedules.

The kids have fun, the parents have fun as we raise money to help support our students, teachers and school as a whole.

Today is that day! I covet your prayers for a day full of fun, laughter and safety. I pray for generous hearts, willing spirits and an air of enthusiastic cooperation.

I will be wearing my (figurative) hip-waders, fire-fighter hat and police officer badge - and the full armor of God. Pray for me that I will be an example of His grace and love during my day of service. May I let Him lead. Speak through me. Be with us...

Be Here Now....

Several women I have spoken with lately have all had the same thing to share: "I want my brain back!" And here I thought it was just me...

Seriously, though.... so many women I've spoken will all share the same feelings of disarray. Our houses are a mess and we can't be sure the we've done what we were supposed to.

This week for me was Girl Scout fall product distribution. I came up two tins short at distribution. So, now the task becomes figuring out if I didn't order enough, didn't receive enough, or send an extra tin with a couple of girls.

It seems the more I hurry through, the more time I take trying to figure out what I've done.

I am 100% sure that it is NOT a coincidence that I have taught 5 extra yoga classes the past two weeks. I needed time to breathe and be still - to stretch and find balance, even if just for a moment.

Thursday night, I heard myself say something that hung with me for a while. "Be. Here. Now."

I had been talking about leaving the events of the day at the door, and not picking up the events for the evening or the next day - Allowing the yoga room to be "sacred space", where we could simply Be. Here. Now.

Thoughts and feelings from other days, gone. Plans and memories, gone. Breath in, breath out. Simple as that.

hmmm. Simple as that.

Be.

Here.

Now.

May I remember.... May I listen...

May I

Be.

Here.

Now.

What Lies Beneath....

I woke up a little angry. It took me a little while to recognize, but the tendency toward sarcasm is a sure give away for me.

My last thought the night before was "at least I'm sleeping through the night these days." For so long, between the kids and the dog, up-every-two-hours seemed to be the routine. As soon as I spoke the gratitude for it something inside me said "OH NO!" Sure enough... it was an every-two-hours night, with the dog.

So my angry morning was also a tired morning. I elected to sleep a few hours after getting the kids off to school, which ultimately helped, I'm sure - once I got over having missed most of another BEAUTIFUL fall day!

Sure, I enjoyed a few moments with the dog on our walk....but I am longing for a day to spend in the yard. Tending the Earth. I am painfully aware that these warm, sunny days are very, very limited, and how much there is to do... I am also very aware that it won't all get done, and I have peace about that... but my soul longs to spend a day digging in the dirt...

So, there I am - fighting the sarcasm.

I know that, for me, sarcasm and anger come together. I know that anger is my friend - it doesn't feel that way at the time, but it is. It tells me when boundaries are being crossed, and it moves me out of grief.

I take a moment to reflect and explore the anger. "What are you mad at?" I ask. The response comes quickly. "I am mad that there is NOTHING I can do to make this feeling go away... I can't eat, drink, sleep (literally or figuratively) the hurt away".

Oh, yeah. That.

It's nearing the end of October. Sometime soon is the anniversary of my divorce being final. It's a date I can never remember. It's not important, really. Divorce isn't a date, it's an event. A life-changing event. Yet every year, I look it up. October 27.

I wonder when the ghosts will disappear. When October will come and go without the lingering memories, without revisiting the hurts, without shedding tears.

I know that the only way through it is through it. It must be honored. It must be felt and grieved and processed. I also know that He is with me every step of the way, holding me steady, peeling away the layers of the onion, catching my tears in the palm of His hand.

I am not alone in this. I have never been alone in this...

Thank You, God....

A Splash of Color....

What an absolutely gorgeous day! It seems like forever since we've seen the sun. Lately, it's been rain, rain and more rain. Cold, damp, drizzly rain. But finally - the sun! And Warmth! The perfect autumn day.

Unfortunately, I was not able to spend the day out in the yard, tending the earth, as would have been my preference. Instead, I typed a PTO agenda, led a meeting, cooked a meal - for two other families - and sorted through a stack of papers. I'd glance up from time to time, watch the leaves dancing on the tree branches.

I did steal away about an hour to walk the dog. He and I - and the dog - out walking in the beauty of fall. Deep, deep breaths. The sun on my face. My eyes filled with the contrasting colors around me, and my heart filled with a moment of joy.

I love to watch the colors turn. I love to find "The Most Beautiful Tree", wherever I am driving. On days like this one, they seem to be radiating, as if the sun were within them. It's one of my favorite parts of fall.

The changing colors of leaves and the putting on of sweaters. But, it's the warm crisp coolness that I like - not the drizzly overcast dampness we've been having. That's much too "winter".

And, yes, Winter has it's place... I'm just not ready for it yet.

So, despite the fact that my grown up life kept me from enjoying a little girl's autumn day to it's fullest, I am grateful for the moments I did have. For the sun, for the colors, for the breeze and blue, blue sky. For the Joy in my heart. I thank You....

Irreparable

I was laying on my yoga mat, at the end of class. Laying there, perfectly still - in Savasana - "corpse pose". Breathing in and breathing out, thinking of nothing in particular.

All of a sudden I 'hear' - "There are some things that "sorry" cannot fix". Piercing pain in my heart and a tear in my eye instantly appeared. "I know. I know." I thought, silently wiping the tear. I still needed to finish teaching, I couldn't lose my voice or have it crack... not right now.

I took some time after class to sit and to read and to let that statement really sink in. There are many things in life that human words or actions cannot fix and cannot make better. They cannot be made undone.

Hearts and dreams get shattered - seemingly irreparably. Yet, somehow, some way, those pieces are picked up. I believe that He examines each piece, decides which should stay and which should go, and then begins to rebuild.

Carefully, lovingly, He picks up the pieces and begins to recreate. While it is not the same, it is an opportunity to let Him mold and make my heart and my life into that which He would have it. Some of the pieces that were "mine", will surely get tossed aside.

Perhaps they will get replaced with something else - or perhaps they will remain unfilled - a hole. If I allow Him to fill it, or if I leave it as He has re-made it, I believe there will be beauty and grace that was not there before. Perhaps a window for His light to shine through. Perhaps a new opportunity, or a new desire.

The problem comes when I try to start picking up pieces and filling in holes. A heart is not something that I can fix - no matter how much I want to or I try to.

I must leave it to His hands. He knows the plans He has for me...

Perhaps, it is how He would have it...

May I yield to the Potter's hand....

Change....

Change is one of the certainties in life. It's all around us, every day. Sometimes, it's too subtle to notice immediately, like my childrens' growth, or the changing colors of the leaves. And sometimes it's so fast we're left with our heads spinning, not half aware of what just happened.

It's the subtle ones that have my attention today. Somewhere along the line, my dog developed some manners and respect for authority. My kids too, for that matter! And, yes, on both accounts, I've had days that I have prayed for the head-spinning kind of change - hoping I'd wake up one day, and they'd be well-adjusted, helpful, polite....

But no, it didn't happen overnight. It didn't happen easily, either. Instead, it's been day after day of teaching and reinforcing, praising and disciplining. Slow - SLOW - progress toward the goal. And really, that's OK. It's what I expect of them.

The question then becomes, why do I expect more of myself? I want to wake up and be changed, well-adjusted - physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually. I want to wake up and be the woman God created me to be. * poof * Here she is....

But no.... not with me, either. It's still the day after day of teaching and reinforcing. The small milestones and the continuous discipline.

From time to time I get a glimpse back to see where I have been. Like seeing a picture of my children as infants shows me how much they have truly grown and developed, I have a moment of insight into my own growth and development.

But then, it is back to the day to day routine.

Help me to see the value in the day to day - the importance in the next step, not matter how small. Help me to know that, sometimes, just standing and facing the right direction is making progress.

Above all, help me to know at the core of my being, that You are in control, are by my side, and You know where we are going...

Going in Cold....

"For everything there is a season, and a time for every purpose under heaven."

I keep trying to remind myself of that.

I also remind myself that this day would come "one day". There would be "one day" when I absolutely have NO IDEA what is going to be played at church. Typically, I know ahead of time - but I haven't been able to get my hands on the set list this week.

Surprisingly, I'm not completely freaked out by it. Over the past few months, I have found myself checking the list to be sure there were no surprises - songs I'd never interpreted before - and perhaps listening to the music once or twice.

There have also been a few times when there WERE surprises - sometimes even Sunday morning. A little song switch here or there....

It's helped me to realize that I have made some progress in my interpreting skills in the past year. It's also been a good exercise in trust.

I find those times when I have nothing to give - nothing to offer - when I trust in and rely on Him, it all works out in the end.

Guess that's the plan for today...

Light of the World

The song gets stuck in my head sometimes.

"Light of the world, You stepped down into darkness
Open my eyes, let me see...."

Sometimes I use the past tense - "openED my eyes" - especially when there is an area of my life that I have previously not explored or truly seen for what it is.

I appreciate the Light being shown onto the truth of what is. I don't always appreciate it at the time - especially if it means change for me in real time.

But, retrospectively, I appreciate it.

Thank You, God for continuing to shine Your light into the dark corners of my life, my world, my heart.

The Next Right Thing

It has been a busy week, this "fall break". By the time it's done, I will have put in a full-time work week, taken the kids for a few hours of fun at Chuck E. Cheese, and continued the mom-taxi service. And yet, in the midst of it, somehow, I am making some progress on the to do list.

One thing here, fifteen-minutes-toward-another there. It's easy for me to get overwhelmed with the sheer volume of "to do"s. Broken down into smaller tasks, it's manageable.

I do have time to put a thing or two away, even if I can't clean the whole room. Seriously, I have enough filing to do to fill an afternoon. One day, I hope to HAVE an afternoon to do it. Today, I have ten minutes. With it, I could choose to let the whole pile sit until I can attend to the entirety of the task, or, I can sort and file for the minutes that I do have. Little by little, the task can get completed.

I feel like that with God sometimes, too. It seems too much, too huge and too impossible to go from where I am now to where I am meant to be with Him. So I must decide: Will I do the next right thing, take the next right step toward Him, or will I stand, unmoving, sure that I will never "get there"?

May I walk...

The Ebb and The Flow...

It's funny to me how life has it's seasons. I'm sure I'll never understand the why's or how comes. I'm just barely learning to go with it.

I'm sure there were times this summer when I sort of whined and complained that the overtime I was hoping for didn't seem to be available. I had plans... things I needed to do... and for that, I needed some cash. But... nothing. No nursing. No massage. It was a time of "just enough".

Now, opportunities abound - at the hospital, at the Y, and in massage. Not only do doors keep opening with work opportunities, but some of my anticipated expenses are disappearing. It's a little surreal, and honestly, I wonder if there is a huge expense just around the bend for which He is preparing me.

Then I was nervous and prayerful...clinging to the knowledge that Thus Far, our needs had always been met. Now, I am tired, but grateful. It's a little hard sometimes transitioning back and forth between perceived lack and perceived abundance. Ultimately, it's all His....

For me, it's like standing in the ocean. The more fiercely I stand against the direction of the flow of water, the more difficult it becomes to do it. When I relax into the motion that surrounds me, not only is it easier to stay standing, but there is a feeling of comfort that accompanies the waves.

I try to stand, upright and ready. But I must also stand with a yielding spirit. Where He leads, I must follow....

Observation

Today, I make a simple observation.

The internal and the external - intimately connected.

As one becomes more or less cluttered, so does the other.

Look out world... I'm in a "cleaning" phase....

... and trusting He will show me what is to stay and what is to go.....

"Feelings are Not Facts"

I remember being baffled the first time I heard it. "Feelings are not facts, " she said. I just stood quizzically staring at her. "what?" "Just because you feel something, doesn't make it true," she explained. I still didn't get it. I was new at "feelings", and I knew very little about "Truth"...

She went on to explain with the example of feeling alone. Back then, I often felt alone. I was living by myself, with two cats and two dogs. There were no kids underfoot. There was an on-again-off-again relationship, and a fledgling relationship with God.

I "got" that - I understood feeling "alone". "Now," she said, "are you REALLY alone?" I stared back at her, silent. "Really, truly, are you alone? No, you can call me for one..." We went on to list the people in my life that knew, loved and supported me.

For a while, I did something that seems ridiculous now, but was so necessary then. When I had a feeling I didn't know how to process, I'd call her and we'd talk through it. It was a gift. The most amazing gift.

Many, many years later, feelings still try to control my life and my actions from time to time. I can't call my friend anymore, but I can recall what He has said to me. When I feel alone, I can speak the truth into it:

"Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you." Hebrews 13:5

"Behold, the hour is coming, indeed it has come, when you will be scattered, each to his own home, and will leave me alone. Yet I am not alone, for the Father is with me." John 16:32

"Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil, for you are with me;
your rod and your staff, they comfort me. "
~~ Psalm 23:4

Feelings are not facts. May I hold fast to the Truth.

Leap of Faith

The weekend at camp was wonderful. Good to see summer friends. Good to be out of doors - even if it was cold and overcast. Good to be away from the day to day. And good to learn a few lessons about faith.

Sunday's activities included a high ropes course entitled "The Leap of Faith".

I spent a good bit of time there - partly because both of my kids were there and partly because... well, we'll get there in the story....

"The Leap of Faith" is a high ropes element, where the kids - on belay, of course! - climb about 20-ish feet up into the air to a perch. From the perch, they take "The Leap of Faith" an try to touch a softball sized knot that is suspended in the air.

What was most interesting for me was the reactions of the kids.... Most were able to climb up just fine. My boy, once both feet were off the ground decided that this was not for him and turned back. (As his mother, I think that was a wise decision....)

A couple got to the perch, but required one of the counselors to climb up and coax them down. It was for this reason, I stayed. One girl spent over an hour before she was able to slide herself over the edge. I was expecting she would have used her day's worth of adrenaline with her fear and trembling, but, kids are resilient, and once down, she dried her tears and went on.

My daughter climbed up and walked off. Not a bit of hesitation. But, not a chance at the knot either.

And then, there was this guy. He climbed up, he stood and then he leaped. Fully graceful, fully confident, and fully obtained his goal.

And, I wonder which of these I am. Am I the one who sits and screams when everyone looking on begins to pray that she'll slip or he'll push her? Or, am I the one who climbs and does basically what is asked, without reaping the full benefits because I have failed to truly trust, and leap beyond my comfort zone? Or, am I the one who truly leaps, who obtains the goal, and gets to the ground and says "YES! THAT was AWESOME!"

I know which one I would like to be.... I also know which other two I am most likely to resemble.

Reunion....

We spent a week this past summer at camp. "Camp YI" - Youth Incorporated - a mere hour south of where we live.

Even before my kids were born, I knew I wanted them to attend camp. I didn't know if it would be one or two or three kids, boys or girls.... I just knew I wanted them to experience camp. I have such fond memories of my weeks away from home, out in the woods, with a bunch of other kids. And I can't imagine where I would be, if I hadn't spent three summers as staff. They were truly life-changing!

I was (beyond!) thrilled to find a co-ed overnight camp, close to home. When I heard they needed a nurse for the week, it was perfect. It was their first experience with overnight camp. They would have adapted, I'm sure without me, but knowing I was there if needed, they thrived!

That was summer - full of warm, long days. Now, we experience it a little differently. The leaves are turning and the nights are cool.

Still, for this weekend, we have been experiencing the magic of camp. Ahhhhhh.... Yes!

A Day of Rest

It was a day of rest....relatively speaking, anyhow....

I had intended to spend the day - 12 hours - at the hospital, working as a staff nurse, but got a call that morning saying I was no longer needed. There has been an abundance of overtime lately, and the dog and I were in desperate need of a walk. I hung up the phone, shrugged and went on with my day... (trust me, such a change of plans hasn't always rolled off my back so smoothly!)

So off I went, dropping my two kids - plus the 3 others in the carpool - off at the school. Arriving home, I considered briefly, crawling back into bed. "Nah, not today..." I just had this feeling I would never get up again....

The dog and took a walk, and then we just sat out on the deck. For a long time, we just sat there, enjoying the breeze and the noticeable drop in the temperature every few minutes. The storm was coming, but hadn't arrived yet.

The air held the energy that permeates before the rain arrives, and the wind blew the leaves on the trees as if to show off their newly colored edges.

It certainly wasn't what I had planned to do that day. At days end, it had included giving a massage session and some service work at the school. I also squeezed in an hour or two playing Wii with my son. It was way more enjoyable than what I had on the agenda!

It was a gift of a day. I got several things done that I hadn't expected to, and enjoyed some wonderful time with my children.

Thank You God for the day....

How Great Thou Art

"Then sings my soul, my Savior, God, to Thee....

How great Thou art, How great Thou art."


It is the song that comes to mind most often, these days. In the midst of "life abundantly", when all I can do is what is before me. I take a breath, and step forward into the next task, clinging tightly to Philippians 4:13.

While I am very, very grateful, I am also aware that until a few tasks are completed, I am at capacity. Seriously. I'm maxed! Fortunately, the big, and the extra tasks that are at hand are nearly completed!

Fall break, and the change in routine are welcomed, as are the weeks of vacation that follow. Who knew, months ago, when I filled out my schedule, that I would be ready for a period of rest exactly where they fall.... Oh yeah.... He did.

"How great Thou art...."

Doing the Next Right Thing....

Life sure can be busy sometimes! I am currently in the midst of a stretch of about two weeks that is PACKED. On top of the usual mom-taxi, regular work and service activities, I have several "extra" shifts at work, massages, additional service and a few other deadlines.

*phew* I get tired just even thinking of it. It's all good, though.... every bit. The extra work comes just in time to have money for Christmas and to pay off some bills. The service brings joy, focus and perspective.

But, you know, the combination brings long days and short nights. Fortunately, it is a season. The end is in sight. There will be a period of rest following this surge of activity. And there will be an abundant harvest... Thank You, God!

In the mean time, I do what I can. The alone time in the car becomes sacred - to pray or simply enjoy the silence. As each event comes into it's time, I say "thank you". Sometimes, it's "thank you" for the event itself, and sometimes it is "thank you" that I can cross it off my list and say "next!".

I have in the past become overwhelmed by the to do's, and become paralyzed into inaction. Today, I look at the list and ask what needs to be done next. There I focus.

Whatever is the Next Right Thing... there I focus.

May I remember to choose the important over the urgent, and not get distracted by things set out to veer me off course. Guide my feet, my heart, my hands and my choices...

Recession 101

I've noticed these billboards recently as I drive up and down the interstates. As I searched the internet for a picture of one, I caught a comment here and there and it seems like I may be in the minority - I really like them!

My favorite is "Nobody can repossess your future", though I like the "CHILL..." message as well as the "... you're scaring the children" sign, too.

I suppose one of the blessings of not having a lot of extras - and being employed in health care - is that my economic situation hasn't changed much though all of this. We still have our needs met, and we still don't have a lot for extras.

The other piece of this puzzle is the reminder that this is temporary - transient. Not only is the economy situation temporary, this "life" thing is as well.

None of what I have here in this world is "mine". The "stuff" doesn't matter.

Like the birds of the air, we continue to receive our daily bread.... and we will....

The Power of Service

I was having a "crying in my beer" - minus the beer - kind of morning. I had made the realization of how one of my friendships parallels similar frustrations to those in my marriage. It is one of those things that I HATE right now, but know I will LOVE later. After the "time" and the process and the healing....

Getting into my car, the CD my daughter had been listening to began to play.... country music. Another ah-ha... The reason I rarely listen to it: Country music brings me "there".... and "there" is painful and dark. As a tear began to roll down my cheek, I clicked the power off and continued the drive in silence, praying...

... for guidance. For wisdom. For an opportunity. For His words.

I pulled into the Elementary School and found a place to park. It was "art week". During "art week", the curriculum gets adjusted and the music teacher teaches visual arts. She had requested parental assistance, and we had agreed to provide it.

On the agenda, four classes, kindergarten through third grade. The youngest class arrived first, and somewhere between leaf rubbings and pastels, I realized that I was smiling and enjoying the tiny hands and their grins as they held up their work for my opinion. "Awesome!" I'd say, and some would do a little hop or skip as they lay their pictures in the completed file.

By the time third grade rolled around, I was humming. It wasn't until my hands began throwing off a sign or two between tasks that I paid attention to the lyrics that accompanied the tune...

"How great Thou art, How great Thou art..."

A Million Points of Gratitude....

Sunday was one of those days... a GOOD day, but not without it's issues...

For myself, it was actually pretty uneventful - save a moment or two of being convicted during the morning's worship service. The kids had a playdate - each with a friend over - which allowed me some less-interrupted time to do a few things to prepare myself for a busy week ahead.

For others, there were more acute issues: losses of independence, losses of jobs....

Yet, in the midst of it all, there were a million moments of gratitude. I do believe that God will work all things together for good. There will be strength and renewed spirits, and opportunity after opportunity for Gods grace and power to prevail.

I believe that in each circumstance God's hand is in the midst. I watch in awe and amazement at the way prayers pour forth... and I wait, expectantly, knowing they will be answered in His perfect timing.

They always have been for me...

I have not always been patient in waiting, but He has always been faithful.

My gratitude list goes on and on and on....

Close Your Eyes Now and Rest.....

I have my own little version of Brahms' Lullaby for my daughter. I've always loved the melody, but one night - when she was seven years old, she asked me to sing her a lullaby.

I couldn't remember all of the words, so I made some up and threw in her name for good measure. Our version has become a tradition - one that she frequently requests at bedtime.

"Lullaby and goodnight, my Amelia sleep tight...." it begins. At this point she smiles as I rub her back. Toward the end, as I ask "may your slumber be blessed...." she is just grinning contentedly. Her eyes are closed, and my heart is filled.

It's one of our "girl things". I'd never sing THAT song to her brother. It is ours. We need our own things... just as her brother and I need our own things...

Having something special that connects me with each of my children is a gift of Motherhood. I wouldn't trade it for the world. (Even on those days when I'm asking Him to step in and take over because they are driving me crazy....)

The Aerial

It began in a dream.... this feeling....

I was walking across a vast field of lush green grass, me and many, many other people. Suddenly, I had the urge to do an aerial cartwheel, so I quickened my pace and did a perfect hands-free cartwheel.... and then the phone rang.

As I tried to get back to that dream-place, I could hear the same music, but not recreate the scene...

Behold he comes
Riding on the clouds
Shining like the sun
At the trumpet's call
So lift your voice
It's the year of Jubilee
For out of Zion's Hill salvation comes

When I woke up again, the song was still on repeat-play in my head, and this "feeling" was rumbling around in my gut, tugging at my heart.

I started my day as usual, with a dog-walk. The sun was shining and the wind was blowing....which always reminds me of God's ACTIVE presence in my life. It was beautiful - delightful!

As I walked, my hands began a silent prayer: "Examine my heart. Show me the things that need to change...."

Getting home, the feeling remained.... I sensed that I had witnessed a glimpse of who I had been created to be - and endured the full realization of how far I am from that. To my prayer, I added "... remove my grubby little hands from whatever I am clinging to so tightly...."

A few IM conversations later, I am again aware that God will not "pry my hands" away from anything. That is my "to do"... I must let go. I consider changing my request to "make whatever I am clinging to detestable to me" - but that thought scares the daylights out of me. I pray it through the fear..

I can still feel the aerial in me, trying to come out..... wanting to...... needing to. As I walk down the hallway in my house, I throw my chest out, my arms back and my back leg up toward the sky. Yes, that is how it begins.

An hour later, I turn a few cartwheels in my yard, after checking to be sure I am out of the sight of neighbors. I try it one-handed and make it half-way over before I drop my second hand to the ground. I wonder if I will improve if I continue to practice... like every day.

Funny... I am sure I would continue to improve - especially if my practice includes removing my grubby fingers from that to which I cling. But first I must gain awareness of what I am holding to so tightly

The aerial cartwheel, I later realize - a perfect analogy. It's simple really - all I have to do is throw my legs out from under me, while actively NOT reaching for that which I believe will support me. It is faith-in-action.

I know where my true support lies. I do. It's just that so often I reach for that which I can more easily see and grab hold of. Unfortunately, in doing that, I deny myself the aerial. When I reach for the ground, I deny myself all that He has created me to be.

~~~~~~~~~~
For curious minds: No, I don't believe - even in my gymnastics years - I have ever DONE an aerial cartwheel. One-handed, yes, no-handed, I don't think so. Fear not, though, when I DO do one - I will post the video here.... and if I break my arm trying, someone will let you know...

Acceptance

"And acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing or situation -- some fact of my life -- unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment. Nothing, absolutely nothing happens in God's world by mistake. "
Alcoholics Anonymous, 3rd ed. p449.


I've heard much said on acceptance, but the quote listed above is probably one of my favorites. Partially, it is the one that I learned with. It's the one my friend Karen quoted the most as she helped me disentangle from my "unacceptable" perspective.

It helped me to learn that "acceptance" didn't mean agreement. I didn't have to LIKE it to accept it. As a matter of fact, I could be really angry and hurt by the situation or the circumstances. Acceptance simply meant looking at it in the Light of Truth, and not trying to change it.

I can't make people "do right"....heck, half of the time, I can't make MYSELF "do right". But, seeing in the Light of Truth, without trying to change it, or deny it, or flower it up nice, allows me to choose. I can choose the next right course of action for myself. That choice is a gift.

I can ask God to show me what to do next. If I'm busy trying to change it, deny it, manipulate it, I can't ask and I certainly can't hear.

I don't always like what I see. I don't like it that people don't respond like I think they should. I don't like it that people get hurt and make bad choices.

But I do get to decide: Where will I step? Will I wait? Will I walk away? Do I need to stand firmly? Hold a mirror? Extend grace?

Show me where to step, Lord...



“Many of us crucify ourselves between two thieves - regret for the past and fear of the future.”

Yet Another Reason to Let Go....

A friend had given me a CD to listen to. "I think you'll like it." And, yes, I did.

It was the story of Patti O. in California and how Alcoholics Anonymous changed her life. I laughed and I cried and thanked God that I have WAY too many control issues to drink. I need my "internal editor" intact, thank-you-very-much.

She said many, many things that made me think...

But today, the thing that has stuck with me the most was when she was talking about service. She said that when we're sitting down here trying to work on fixing our own problems, that's where we get stuck --> focused on our own problems. It's in those moments when we set our issues aside and look to help another that God has the opportunity to work on our stuff for us.

It reminded me of all the times I had try to fix things MY WAY. I knew if I did this, that and/or the other thing, life would get better. Well, ah, no... it didn't. Whatever it was just got contorted into another set of issues. It wasn't until I stepped away and got my grubby little hands off and said "OK, God... can't do this myself...." that things began to improve.

Some things He changes Himself, others, are mine to do the footwork. I just have to do things His way. I need to let go and realized that He does indeed know the best way to handle a situation. If we disagree, it is my perspective that needs adjusting. Rather than and endless barrage of "But,..... but,..... but...."s, I'd do better to say, "show me...."

And, you know, I've been down this road enough to know... Some things I just can't change. Some things fall into the "acceptance" category - which is a blog unto itself.

Til then, Lord.... what would You have me do today....?

Who I am and What I do

I've been thinking a lot about that lately - who I am and what I do.

It all started when someone recently told me, "You're a writer. You write! It's what writers do." And that got me thinking....

Uhm, yeah, I guess I do.

I had the same reaction last year when someone called me a "Prayer Warrior". In her eyes, I guess I am, but it's not a title I bestow upon myself.

Over the years, I've looked long and hard at what I do, and worked hard to define myself apart from that. Back then, I was "a nurse". And that was about as far as I could go with it. These days, yes, I am still a nurse - but it is what I do. It's my job - well, one of them! It's not "who I am".

When I want to know about a person - I look and I listen. I observe what they do and what they say.... and how those two line up. That tells me a lot. It may say nothing about what they do - professionally - but it definitely shows me who they are.

I try to remember that when I'm out in the world. Who I am is portrayed by what I do. People notice. And sometimes... they notice things that I don't...

And those that love me,... they show me.

Refueled and Refreshed

It is amazing to me, this thing called "sleep"....

On one hand, it is easy - you lay down and sleep, that's it..... well, sort of. Many nights, I am met for a lesson or a review of the day. Sometimes a slide show of faces or events that don't often make sense at the time. Sometimes nothing - not even evidence of having rolled over...

I am fortunate to not suffer from insomnia - I know some do. Yes, I have had seasons in my life when falling asleep was difficult - concern for an individual, or finances, or deadlines on my mind, making it race. For the most part, currently, those nights are rare.

More common are the nights when I caught up in the "to do" list - or on Facebook - and then suddenly realize it is much later than I imagined. Unfortunately, the morning still starts when the morning starts.

Yet, I am further amazed how good I actually feel when I am rested. After ten hours of sleep Sunday night, and 2 more hours Monday morning, I feel human again.

I can function, and am productive. It's GOOD... It is a gift... that I carelessly throw away every time I try to do ONE MORE THING.

May I realize that adequate sleep is not only a gift from God, but it is essential!

Takin' a Day...

I am beyond tired and striving for a little balance.

So, today - I'm taking a day....

May you all be wonderfully blessed!

Until tomorrow....

Inspiration

Inspiration comes from the most interesting places sometimes... and sometimes I learn the most interesting things...

For example: I was riding around with a woman this past Friday. We got out of her car, and as she clicked her remote to lock her car, she asked if my van had keyless entry. "Yes," I said, "but it doesn't work..." "You should see what it costs to fix it...." she said, casually.

When mine quit working, I decided I could do without the luxury of keyless entry. I figured it would be as outrageously expensive to fix as the automatic pull doors had been when one of them quit working. I'd hoped it was the battery, but when I finally got around to replacing it, it didn't work.

I chalked it up to something I'd deal with for a while... And I did.

But, after she mentioned, it, I got curious to see exactly HOW outrageously expensive it would be to fix.

I searched online, and found a new remote for $40 and change.... fully programmable to my minivan. So, I searched for programming directions.... AND .... FOUND.... OUT.....

If the battery has been dead for a while - which it had - once the new battery is put in, it needs to be reprogrammed... and "This is how...."

Five minutes later, I once again have keyless entry!

Thank you God for her innocent comment.... my willingness to listen, and a spare few minutes at work where I could search for the information!

Proud Mama

I am a proud mama. I have been blessed with two wonderful children. They are as similar and as different as siblings can be. They challenge me to the depths of my patience, yet, they bring so much joy.

This week was my son's turn to shine. He has worked hard for another 3 months and earned his orange belt in karate. I cannot begin to tell you how proud I am of him - at his hard work and his dedication.

I am also thrilled with the progress he has made with his "SD" - self-discipline. He is a courteous and generous kid to the core of his being, but his SD needed a bit of improvement.

It is an honor to stand beside them and watch them grow. It is also a huge responsibility, being a parent. But, mostly, it is a tremendous blessing being their mom.

I Want to Hear You....

Today, may I be still and hear. May He speak clearly and undeniably.

Thus far, the doors have been opening without my effort. There is a knock, to which I have replied. In time, there came another knock. It is on this day that the doors will open and I am being invited in.

Help me to see clearly. To know. May I feel His presence - or absence - in it.

Right now, it feels like a huge gift being laid at my feet. One that I have not sought, except through prayer.

Even in the midst of it - in the periods of waiting - I have had a certain "calm". A peace that has allowed me to stand back and not charge forth trying to control it - to force it into existence - MY way.

Lord, help me to know - do I accept, or graciously decline...

Sing a Song of Hope....

Moments like these help me to believe that God is truly involved and active in our lives - whether we chose to believe it, or take time to notice, or not.

I was driving home from a meeting at work, heading up the interstate for an evening at the church. To my left, I noticed a very pale "sun dog" with and even paler rainbow to it's right.

The weather here has been mostly rainy with a few spots of sun thrown in to keep us all from going completely mad! The part of road I was driving, was dry, but I could see the clouds ahead of me, and could tell that there was rain not too far off. Yet, strangely enough, there was also a patch of deep blue sky.

I smiled at the color in the sky - the sun dog especially - and assessed the merging traffic. My children call them "God's eyes" and when they see them, they say, "God is looking at you!!"

With that in mind, I was just driving along, listening to the radio, asking for blog inspiration.

"What would you have me write about tonight?" I asked aloud. My mind started wandering with my heart not too far behind, looking at clouds, and thinking of such vague things as "life" and "purpose" and "small, small me, big, big world, bigger, bigger God"

I followed the road as it headed northwest, and glanced ahead of me. There it was! Bright, beautiful, breath-taking! I reached for my cell phone and snapped this picture. As you can imagine, the picture doesn't do it justice. The colors were brilliant - each stripe of the rainbow clearly defined. (Seriously, if I'd had my camera with me, I WOULD have stopped!)

As I took in a breath, the lyrics on the radio caught my attention....

".....You brighten up the sky..."

"OK, Lord...I am LISTEN-ING!"

Right on cue, it continued:

"I will sing a song of hope, sing along,
God of Heaven come down...."

I reached for a pencil and the envelope sitting beside me. I started jotting down the words of the song that really spoke to me.

".... calling me Your friend...."

"...I will sing a song of hope, sing along,
God of Heaven come down...
Just to know You and be loved is enough..."

As the lyrics faded away, I wondered how I fare in that regard. The ever present heart analysis began to kick in.

My song - my lifesong - would it be considered "a song of hope"? I'll have to pay attention...

"God of Heaven come down...."

Feeling My Age

These past few days, I have really been feeling my age...

It's not that I've passed my 40th birthday (a few years ago!), and it's not the bifocal contact lenses. It's not the occasional pain in my knee nor the handful of pills I swallow every morning... they're vitamins.... It's not that my kids are growing faster than I can believe or that the new doctors at the hospital were all born after I graduated high school.... No... it's not that.

The thing is.... I worked this past weekend - on the night shift. Friday and Saturday night. Sunday morning, I stayed up - and awake! - through church. No big deal. I used to do it ALL the time when I worked straight night shift. Ending my stretch with a full 24+hours awake was my usual routine. But.... I was also in my 20's.

This time - I'm tired. Even a few days later, I'm tired. I slept well Sunday night, quick nap and felt pretty good on Monday. Tuesday, not so much.... Getting through the day was a chore, even after a L O N G nap. All day long, I wanted to crawl back into the bed - which, I'm sure the rain didn't help!

But, the thing is...

With age has come some wisdom, and with my 40's a sense of freedom. I tolerate imperfection a little more, and I am blessed to be able to fit a little nap in here and there. I've learned through trial and error (mostly error) - that if I'm tired, I really do need to rest.

It goes a long way - for my health, for my parenting skills, for my tolerance of the world around me, for my relationship with God.

"Sleep is a gift" we were told at church on Sunday - I think anyway ... I don't think it was my longing for the bed that put those words in my head. It was a gentle reminder toward self-care. For living the life God intended for us, and not being drawn in too many directions by the agenda of the world.

May I rest in You and feel renewed...

Checkmate

I was driving along, on my way to pick up my kids from school, heading straight to an appointment for one of them. It had been a pretty good day, I'd gotten up early, been pretty productive - including a short nap - but I was exhausted.... still recuperating from having worked ALL night long two nights in a row.

And, I.... WAS... CRAVING. Oh a cookie or something baked preferably. I knew I'd be having a "treat" at the bible study that night, so I was trying to avoid it mid-afternoon. But, as a crave will do, the more I seemed to try to talk it down, the louder it became.

Finally, I tried a different tactic. "Satan, Go Away!" Then, further.... "God, step between us. Protect me from this temptation..." The crave was gone, and I heard myself say aloud, "Checkmate!"

That thought carried me the rest of the way to the school: "Checkmate". Christ stepping in for me - protecting me, redeeming me.

We know the end of the story, too, so truly it is "checkmate". And then I wonder why I get engaged in these battles. Probably the same reason I let my children push my buttons. I forget that it is a choice and I know other options.

Surround me. Be with me.

Thank you, thank you, thank you for winning the battle!

Help me remember the truth!

Checkmate, Satan!

Becoming a Little Girly

Change is interesting. When I feel it coming on - especially if it is accompanied by the Breath of God - I try to find a good seat! I love to watch God in action!

I've learned to recognize- through trial and error and much experience - the feeling that surrounds me when God is nudging me forward into something just a little different!

For those who don't know me, don't see me face to face, or don't pay attention to details, I'll explain further. I've always been a bit of a tomboy. Growing up, I was the one who taught my brother to catch frogs, build a fort and ride a bike. I was in my 30's before I dabbled with make up, and many - including those who see me face to face everyday - are surprised to realize that yes, I DO wear make up, nearly every day. Giving a choice, I'd wear jeans everywhere. Even when I "dress up", it's a pair of capris. One of the best things about my Nurse Practitioner job is that I get to wear "my pajamas" to work. No, not really, but scrubs and pajamas are about equal in the comfort department. I'd occasionally paint my toe nails, a muted beige, but was happy to wear them bare as well. Oh yeah - and the "shopping" part of my genetic code - gone, missing, absent... I'd rather do anything but shop!

In come the winds of change.... Suddently, I'm interested in dark red toenails. And, this weekend... I hit the stores.... for some dressy clothes. Nothing TOOO girly, mind you, but not scrubs and not jeans! It's something a little sassy, and I'm REALLY excited about it.

I don't know what else He has in store for me - I DO know there was a really cute tote that I will have to save and go back for! (seriously!? ME? bahahahahaha). Yes, seriously.

So, here I sit, front row seat, waiting to see where he is leading with this.

The Perfection of God's Timing

I am continually amazed at the perfection of God's timing. Things come and things go, and when I keep my hands out of the midst of it, it works SO much better.

There has been an opportunity knocking at my door lately. It first appeared on my radar in early spring. But that was it, a mention of it. A planting of a seed. Then, a dormant period.

Life went on, and I didn't think of it much, until the end of the summer when it knocked on my door. I answered and did as it requested. And then I waited.

A younger version of myself would likely have tried to knock, knock, KNOCK incessantly. But this felt different. As I have grown and matured, I have learned the value in "wait".

So, I waited.... and I waited some more. I knocked gently, stepped back and continued to wait. One more time I knocked gently. Then, I let it go.

"This is not mine to force," I thought to myself. If God's not in it, I don't want it.

A month has passed, and it has come back knocking. In the mean time, God has removed any urgency I felt about it.

I answered again, responding afirmatively again. This time, I was given a little more information and a timeline.

This opportunity will require a little of my time - physical and emotional. There will be a learning curve, which excites me, rather than terrifying me.

I looked at my calendar, so get a feel for how this might impact daily life. I smiled and I laughed and I smiled some more.

"Coincidentally", I have several weeks where my work schedule is lighter than usual - vacation and holidays and some flexing of time. "Coincidentally", this opportunity, according to the timeline, will begin right about then.

Thank You God for taking care of the details of my life, and for your perfect, perfect timing!

Nap Day

It was a beautiful day to sleep. The morning air was cool and it looked like it could rain at any moment. I'd gotten up to feed the kids and prepare them for school. Bookbags packed with snacks and folders, I hugged them and sent them into the carpool van.

"YES!" I stretched as I walked back inside. It had started to drizzle a little bit. The cat rubbed against my leg as I walked down the hallway toward my bedroom. I crawled back into bed and pulled to covers up.

I had called my colleagues to check the census to see what the likelihood of me being needed to work that night. "I'd get some rest", she said. So I did.

In spite of a phone call, a barking dog and a cat trying to play on my computer, I slept really, REALLY well.

"If nothing else", I thought, "it will get me a little caught up on my sleep."

And so it did!

Thank you God for sleepful days....

Marital Perceptions

I've been thinking a lot lately about marriage and divorce and different beliefs regarding the two lately....

There was a lively discussion I got involved in on Facebook when a friend (who is more of an acquaintance) stated that he and his wife are separating. It saddened me - for him and his wife - and their three young boys. What saddened me more was the comments that followed.

The first 10 or 15 comments were all supportive and stating how "maturely" they were handling the situation. I was the first to mention focusing energy on resurrecting the marriage. But, it's not his story I want to focus on...

I was reminded of how my views of marriage have changed over the years. My first one, I threw away. I didn't have the "God-connect", the support or the life skills to consider anything but leaving. I had an escape route and I was taking it.

I wonder how much of the divorce problem there is today is based on lives similar to my experience. And, I wonder if it has to do with a culture that is so used to disposable everything - diapers, water bottles, relationships. Everything is fast and easy and if it's not, don't waste your time on it. It's too sad....

I'm glad I've had relationships in my life with mentors that were different. The work wasn't fast, it wasn't easy and it wasn't fun. BUT... it was so worthwhile.

I hear so many people NOW who have worked through their differences and have found joy, peace and support in the mean time. God is in the midst of all of them... whether we choose to include him or not.

I pray for my friend and his marriage.... I pray for all of those who are struggling or have struggled.... and I pray for and express much gratitude to those who have dug in deep and persevered! Thank you, God for them. May they share their stories and encourage those who need to hear.

A Year in Review

Anniversaries are interesting events. They remind us of where we have been and what has happened in the previous year.

September 17, 2008 was a big day for me. It was a pilgrimage of sorts. A day to return to "my shack", heal some old wounds and let go of some of the things that held me in the past.

Who knew...? Not I. I just knew I needed to go, and listened carefully as to what to bring. I headed out, unsure of the agenda, but with full trust that one had been set.

It was a beautiful day, and as a friend of mine recently said, I "had to let go to allow my heart to heal"

I think of the things I have let go of in the past..... dreams, responsibilities, "stuff". It's the "stuff" that is emotionally charged that is the most difficult - and for me, if not still useful or productive, the most necessary to clear out.

My wedding dress was one of those things. It needed to go - yet, as I hung it on the rack at the church yard sale, I walked out solemnly. There were no words.

Have I missed it, no. Has it cleared out more space in my life - and closet - absolutely!

It's been a good year. Not always easy, but a good year.

As I walked out of that chapel, I realized I had been given a gift.... freedom.

Thank You, God!

Tree-in-a-Storm Pose

There are some moments that get permanently engraved into our hearts and minds. I was reminded of one while teaching a yoga class this week. We were doing "tree pose". One woman had wobbled a little and said "I was doing 'tree-in-a-storm' pose". WHAM! I was there.

That moment was back. An AMAZING moment several years ago. We were living in the other house - the "married" house. I was in fact still married, though I'd guess it was pretty much in shambles.

The house sat on a hillside surrounded by many large oaks. Behind the house was 65 acres of wilderness. That night, there was a storm brewing. It was hurricane season, and we were getting the 'blow off' of one of the bigger storms of that year. It hadn't begun to rain, but the wind had picked up, and the energy in the air was palpable.

I had returned from a yoga class, where we had practiced tree pose. The house was silent. As I headed upstairs to our bedroom, I could see the tree limbs swaying back and forth through the sliding glass doors.

The far wall of our bedroom was mostly glass - those sliding glass doors that stepped off onto a second story deck (over a full garage, so perhaps more of a 3rd story...). Suffice it to say, I was up in the air, well up into the branches of those mighty oaks.

I set my mat down and walked toward the glass doors. The room was still dark except for the light down the hall in the stairwell. Instinctively, I opened the door and walked through.

I closed my eyes as the breeze met my face. The wind pushed the hair out of my eyes and I took a deep, deep breath. "oh, how I love a storm!" I thought.

Standing tall, I began. Shifting my weight onto my supporting leg, bringing the other foot to the calf, then the thigh, arms lifting up overhead.

There I stood. Wind on my face, swaying with oak trees. Dark except for the faint light behind me and an occasional flash of lightening. Peaceful. Strong. Balanced despite the storm surrounding me. As it is with God. He would soon show me that....

I remember writing, immediately after the experience:

"Tree pose. 20 feet in the air. back lit. in the midst of a storm. is TOTALLY AWESOME!"

It was. Totally Awesome.

Burdened Under Satan's Yoke

It's a topic that has been popping up in my life - repeatedly - for the past few days. A song at church on Sunday, the pastor's reminder that sleep is a gift, a friend's Facebook status and my immediate reply, one glance at my calendar and, finally, a sentence in a new bible study book. OK, OK, ....I'll listen! OK, OK.....I'll write!

Busy. B.U.S.Y. Burdened Under Satan's Yoke. Yes, I get it. I can relate to having "too many irons in the fire". I get the overfilled schedule. I know the carpool and mom's taxi. I've attempted (with some success) decluttering the schedule in the past. Yet, life is what it is. It has it's seasons, some of which are more filled than others. But "stuff" likes to find it's way back in.

There is no doubt in my mind that "God is always at work". There is no doubt in my mind that his words in the Psalms which remind us to "Be still and know that I am God" are there for a reason. The world will try to distract us from our focus, our purpose. But, we are not of this world.... just living in it. But how can we hear and act if we are not watching and waiting for direction?

As I was interpreting during band rehearsal, I was playing with the verse a little. The word "know", means what exactly....? I looked it up, and there are several definitions that match the signs that came forth. My favorite being: "Have firsthand knowledge of states, situations, emotions or sensations" - or, my sign: "experience". I have witnessed God moving powerfully in my life... most clearly, when I was broken enough that all I could do was "be still".

In looking up the "official" definition, I am reminded of a few other meanings that I hadn't thought of that morning. Reading them together, I am reminded of the story of the Shepherd who calls to His sheep, and they know his voice. He is familiar, known to us. We know His character and can differentiate between His voice and others who would lead astray.

And - we KNOW, and believe without a doubt that He is God. It's so much more than having knowledge of a mere fact.

But, how do I get there? How do I KNOW Him? Hear and recognize his voice above all others? Stillness. Taking time to nurture that relationship. He and I. Him and me. "Be still and know...."

Honestly, I wish sometimes it said "do these 14 things before lunch and another dozen after..." It would be easier living in this world to do so... But no, it doesn't. It says "Be still...."

Honestly, sometimes, I multi-task it. I talk with God as a I walk the dog. I listen to worship music as I drive. I try to include gratitude and service into every day.

As I completed the first day of my new Bible study, I was reminded that "the very busyness of life" is not unique to these days. The author refers us to Acts 6:1-4, and asks what the disciples did when they became overwhelmed with the tasks of daily life and the pressures of ministry.

"Stop and reflect on what was important". They also had the gift of delegation! Not only was it OK for them to say "no" to the task being asked of them, it was important that they didn't. They needed to focus on preaching and praying. They did empower others to do the daily work, which if you ask me, was a gift to them..... service always comes with unexpected rewards!

I've gotten better at not accepting every invitation that comes my way. Yet, I intend to look again at the events of the day, and where my time and energies are focused.

I have two main purposes every day: raising my kids and walking where He leads. To do both of those effectively, I need to remember Psalm 46:10. I need to make time - dedicated time - to be still. So I can know, feel, hear, experience and be in the undistracted, undeniable presence of God.

I want the yoke that is light.... not the one that keeps me burdened.

(that and another hour of sleep... SWEET!)

A Season of Growth

Seasons of growth are really interesting times. Day to day it's hard to see the changes. Perhaps we notice a little something here, or a little something there. A few new blooms that fade with time or a good rain.

Add the benefit of time in the perspective, and it's amazing what can happen.

I noticed this the other day when I was fortunate to have some time out in the gardens. Tending the earth is one of the times that God speaks to me. He points things out and shows me other things.

The summer kept me away from the needs of the garden and the grass had grown high along the fence. As I knelt and pulled the tall grass out of the border, I hear Him whisper "Notice the growth of the season...." I kind of chuckled to myself and I pulled another fistful of grass. I glanced to my right and then realize He had been talking about the rose.

It had been a birthday present from a dear friend. I immediately knew where it should go. I planted it, watered it and expressed my gratitude for my friend, our friendship and the rose itself.

Periodically, I noticed it had grown and the flowers that continued to appear. But it wasn't until I stopped and took the time to realize where it had begun that I REALLY noticed.

Same with people.... We all have seasons of growth. When I take the time to look back with the perspective of time, it is amazing. My children continue to amaze me. The change in them in the past month, six months, year.... they are different people.

My friends - the way they have healed and grown as they walked through the pain of divorce. Friends dealing with parents, children, grandchildren... hormones, cancer and other life changing events.

I love watching the process. I love walking beside, and I love looking back and pointing out the change they may not see.

And yes... it's true in my life too.... looking back, I can hardly believe where He has led.

Thank You Lord, for reminding me to look and remember...

All for One....

This month we have started a "job chart" in our family. It's time. The kids are nearly 8. They want allowance. I want something to motivate them and remind them that they are part of a family, and thus have responsibilities for the common good.

They each have simple tasks to complete individually - clean their rooms and make their beds. They also have a "team" job - cleaning the playroom. Then comes my favorite: "Job of the day".

"Job of the Day" is my wild card. We have created a list of jobs ranging from putting away the silverware, feeding the cat, taking out the trash, helping with laundry, sorting recycling. Every day, they complete two of these jobs. Thus far, it has been at my asking - but today, my daughter initiated one on her own! YES!

I am in my glory! The playroom has been clean for ten consecutive days. That is a miracle! Kids doing jobs without a fuss is nothing short of that as well. The made beds and clean rooms - well, we're working on that!

I want them to learn the importance of teamwork and personal responsibility. I also want them to learn the importance of earning money - and that it depends on a job well done.

Teamwork and personal responsibility. Huge concepts in God's economy as well.

The Library...then and now.

The current economic situation has finally pushed us to do what we SHOULD have done years ago.... visit our local library! I now have a library card, and the kids have each rented a movie and one book.

Things have changed since I worked in the library in my hometown. All of my Jr. High and High School years found me sorting books by Dewey Decimal system, and typing up actual card catalog cards.

Yes, it was that long ago. The computer age hadn't hit. We punched cards by and sorted them by date. They were alphabetized by author and sat in the file until they were returned.

Today we went and explored the JF section - Junior Fiction. I was thrilled to see my children so fluent in "alphabetical order". We searched the computerized catalog by "series" - WOW - no searching through "Books in Print" to find the author or title! YES!

It will become a regular stop on our route now. Returning books, choosing books, reading books. And, yes, the movie or two for our Family Movie Night.

I'm grateful that though the technology has changed, the concept of a Public Library has not.

Grandparent Lunch

It is a tradition at our Elementary School. Grandparent Lunch. Every September, Grandparents (and surrogate grandparents) are invited to have lunch with the students, then tour the school. Several have been imported from out of town for the event!

Parent volunteers help the Cafeteria Ladies serve the extra couple hundred visitors and assist with the traffic flow, giving directions here and there.

It is such a joy to see the faces of the children - and the grandparents. For the most part, they wear ear to ear smiles. There are, of course, a few that break my heart. Those whose grandparents couldn't come for one reason or another. There are always one or two who cry inconsolably - my prayers go out to them.

This year I expect will be difficult for our Grandpa. It will be his first without Grandma. Physically, the trip to school will be less demanding. Emotionally, not so much.

Through the eyes of a PTO officer, it is a gift - A wonderful opportunity to serve. As the one coordinating volunteers, I am continually amazed at the willingness and the parental involvement at our school. I couldn't feel more blessed to be a part of it!

Deeper Understanding

My children have taught me much about God. Every so often something will happen and I'll say to myself, "I wonder if this is another situation that mirrors my relationship with God...."

From time to time, situations will arise where I have a depth and breadth of understanding that my children simply don't. One day, they likely will, but for now, it's just as well if they don't know.

For example: On the porch this morning, an orange stripey tomcat named "Tiger". My kids think it is great that Cassie, our kitten, has a play date. I move the "Make Cassie an appointment with the vet for surgery" higher up the priority list, and BE SURE that she does not escape.

The kids want a hamster, or a gerbil, or some other type of rodent. I totally understand - and echo - my father's impersuadable "NO!"

And, sometimes, things are just better handled "behind the scenes".

At times like these, I wonder how often the I'm in the other position - Me, as child-of-God. He has a depth and breadth of understanding that I can't even begin to comprehend, never mind master. He knows and sees and understands the entirety of the situation, when all I see is the "cute" ness or the imperatence of NOW.

I also wonder - if I REALLY pay attention - if these situations arise more frequently when I am showing my omniscient naivete: Thinking I know, when I am - how do they say it? "CLUELESS!"

I also hope that God views my perspective as "sweet innocence" - like I do my kids....

Now, where is that number for the vet.....

Seasons of Change

There is definitely something changing. Yes, the seasons are beginning to transition from summer to autumn, and yes, there is a storm brewing as I type. But, that's not what I mean...

Something internal. As I sit, feeling the winds that precede the storm moving through my house, and hear the distant thunder, I feel something similar inside.

Something is brewing. There is longing for something yet defined. The colors are beginning to appear, but they are, thus far, formless.

The feeling in the air before the rain appears is similar to what I feel in my gut. But, it doesn't feel like "rain" or "a storm" is coming. It's different. It's joyful. New. Exciting.

It's weird, though. Some of the things I have loved - seemingly forever - I'm beginning to not care for. Seriously, Diet Coke and chocolate chip cookies just don't do it for me anymore.

On one hand, that's a HUGE answer to prayer, on the other, it leaves me feeling a strange void. No cookies? C'mon. I wonder - but hardly dare to speak - if my taste for pizza will leave me as well.

Curiouser and curiouser this life becomes. Onward I walk, trusting He will lead.

As I do, I sit with this feeling, trying not to ask TOO often:

"Where are we going, Papa?"

Reuse, Reduce, Recycle...

I am a recycling fanatic! I don't pick other people's recyclables out of public trash cans, but I do carry mine home rather than throwing them away. If it can be reused, reduced or recycled, I'll do it!

I am thrilled, therefor that we have initiated a recycling program at the elementary school. Two years ago, we began with recycling aluminum cans. This year, we have added juice pouches, candy wrappers and cookie packages. Could it get better? You bet! Terracycle gives us $0.02 per wrapper or pouch!

It doesn't sound like much - two cents - but, these days, every penny counts. Perhaps more importantly, we are raising a student body that is learning about recycling. The students are now taking ownership of their juice pouches, setting them aside, rather than throwing them away.

We have been given much in this world, and we must be good stewards of what we have been given. In my eyes, that includes taking care of our planet. If we can simultaneously earn a few buck for our school, all the better!

Time for a Picture

I've been past due for a picture, so rather than find a picture that matches my post, I searched through my pictures and found this.

Ah, yes... This. It is one of my favorite pictures. It was taken in the summer of 2002. Two of the most influential women in my life. The elder, a woman who stood beside me, challenged me, and loved me well. The younger, my daughter.

This was taken the weekend they met. What makes it even more special for me was the roll of film was forgotten, unfinished in the camera. Years later, I developed it - about six months after Karen died.

She would have loved to have seen how my children have grown. She would have walked beside me through my divorce. Instead, I hear her words in my head from time to time, and am grateful when something she taught me comes instinctively. Her love remains, but I long for her name in my inbox, and her words on the page.

I miss her for sure. Despite living 3 states away, and spending only 3 weekends together - ever - she has touched my heart deeply, and left a mark on my life.

Thank You, God, for Karen Tucker.

Love with Insight

Beth (Moore) said some very profound things that touched me deeply during our "Loving Well" retreat.

One thing that she said made me pause and consider. "God never said for us to love blindly." Interesting. She then pointed us to Philippians 1:9.

"And it is my prayer that your love may abound more and more with knowledge and all discernment".

The world tells us that love is blind. God tells us to be wise and love with discernment.

Oh, if only, if only.....

I wonder sometimes how my life would be different, had I learned many of these truths when I was younger.... Different, it would be.... Better? I don't know.

Life is good. My struggles and mistakes have brought me to this place.

But, from here, I get to choose differently. I get to listen to the Gentle Voice Within. With any luck, I will follow....

May I be wise and love with discernment.

Reaching Forward, Reaching Back

I had the honor recently of giving a massage to a pregnant woman. We had seen each other more frequently in years past, but it had been a while since we'd been together. It was such a gift to me, to be able to work with her again. It was a sweet moment too, when she started asking me about my pregnancy and my delivery.

It reminded me that we are not isolated individuals here on this planet. We are set here to love each other. To encourage each other. To walk beside each other.

When I was pregnant, I asked those who had been there before me. Now, is my opportunity to answer the questions of the first-time mom-to-be. I now look to the mothers with older children to ask my questions - and I share my experiences of my children's younger years when someone ask me.

It's how we learn. It's how we realized that we WILL live through whatever phase we're in.

I've heard it said that I should "find someone who has what [I] want and ask them how they got there". I've done that especially in my walk with God.

The times that have been especially helpful to me are the times when I'm walking through something really difficult. Without a doubt, someone inevitably appears who either has experienced the same thing, or has the ability to simply walk beside me. Someone who has struggled and allowed someone else to walk beside them.

It is an opportunity to minister to each other. To nurture, to mentor, to encourage, to support.

It is a gift. I have been fortunate to be on both ends - reaching forward and reaching back.

Reminiscing...

It's a night without any clear topic inspiration, so I do what I always do. Go sit on the deck, with my dog, under the stars. Only tonight... no stars.

The moon is nearly full, peering out behind an array of clouds. Then, the thoughts come. I wonder if anyone else has noticed how amazing the skies have been lately. Most days, for me, they look like they have been painted on, set as a backdrop to my little part of the world. I wonder if it's a change in the environment, or one inside of me.

I think back through the year of this blog - the past year of my life. I recall the events that have screamed to be heard, and others who have whispered in my ears. Equally important. Be the change subtle or profound, it is change nonetheless.

Life changes - children grow. Relationships deepen. Hope endures and Love never ends.

God continues to walk before me, behind me and by my side. Life is good. Even when I get my feet stuck in worldly concerns, He whispers.... "Trust me. I am with you."

Great is Thy faithfulness, Lord unto me.

"System Restore"

Having some recent experience with the Koobface virus (ewwwwww.....), I've just gotta share...

My antivirus software picked up on it and quarantined the files - but apparently not QUITE quick enough. Any hope of updating my antivirus software or accessing a malware removal site was blocked.

I struggled for a while, trying to figure out how to get rid of the results of it. I tried all sorts of creative ways to "back door" into the cleansing sites, to no avail. And then, I remembered....

"System Restore"

It's a Godsend, really.... has saved my life - well, my computer's, anyhow - on more than one occasion. Click a couple of buttons, pick a date to restore to and voila! My computer is back to the moment before I clicked the link that unleashed the beast.

My malware searching program is now updated, and I have free, unblocked internet searching once again.

As the "system restore complete" message appeared, I thought to myself. "Gosh, wouldn't it be nice to have a 'system restore' feature in life? At first thought, yes... but then I reconsidered. I looked more closely at the "difficult" times that I initially considered undoing. Each has brought a gift, though. Walking through the difficult time has had it's advantages. Each step has brought me to where I am today.

I paused for a moment as a smile took over my face - In a way, I DO have a "system restore". Christ.

A slate wiped clean. Abundance and inheritance rather than suffering and death. As I stand before God through the filter of Christ, I am clean.

"Restored"

Tackling the Little Annoyances

It was a day - a wonderful, glorious day! Outside was beautiful and it was all I could do to focus on the INside of my house. But I so needed to do that.

The "little annoyances" were starting to pile up. So, I spent the day, tackling them, one by one.

The conglomeration of wires under the kids computer - fixed.

The broken leg on the TV stand - fixed (well - it's now wheel-less, but not annoying!)

The miscellaneous things that get put away in awkward or difficult places - done.

The collection of "trinkets" and outgrown toys - gone through and sorted for consignment or kindergarten "treasure box"es (shhhhhh... don't tell my kids!)

The top of the fridge is clean, and the playroom furniture has been re-arranged.

It was a busy, exhausting and WONDERFUL day!

Thank you, God!

(now... I just need about a dozen more of those!)

Calling All Prayer Warriors...

There are many prayers on my heart today.

A two year old boy - and his parents. He will undergo surgery today for a recently discovered tumor.

An older gentleman who had emergent surgery yesterday.

A friend who is working through her acceptance of life after a mastectomy.

The children that I know that are continuing their chemotherapy - fighting "stupid cancer".

Another woman receiving chemo for lymphoma.

An elderly man, trying to find his footing, after close to a decade of caring for his wife. She has died, and he is terribly lonely.

A young boy dealing with sensory integration issues.

And I know for all of the prayer needs that are spoken, many, many remain tucked in so deeply we care not to share them. I try to include those people and their requests in my prayers as well. I may not know an issue exists, but that doesn't matter.

God knows. Sometimes they cross my radar, sometimes they don't. They're all on His...

So, today I pray.... join me if you'd like.