Honoring Change

 

If I said it once, I said it a hundred times last night: "I don't like change". This morning, my perspective has shifted a little. 

I was reminded that I appreciate some change:  the seasons, the times when discomfort eases, the way things grow. 

The way people grow - perhaps even how I grow. 

Often change brings uncertainty.  Often there is a moment to grieve the loss of what has been - especially if it has been Joyful.

But if I look further than myself, there IS certainty.  Spring will change into Summer, then fall, then winter, and finally, Spring again. Each is exciting and has aspects that I look forward to.

It doesn't always FEEL as certain in my own life. When I am being called into something new, or relationships change, it doesn't FEEL exciting. It feels sad. Or intimidating. Or unsure.  And yet if I look back through the changes in my life, there IS certainty there as well. 

I have never been called into something that wasn't for my good or for my growth.  The latter often involves work, and requires me to pry my hands off of something I am holding more tightly than I should, or adopt a new way of thinking, or doing, or being. And that is hard work. 

Walking through the process, while sometimes temporarily uncomfortable, has always delivered me to a better place. I have never been alone while moving forward. There have always been people shining the light to the path I'm to walk. Always people beside me. And always, ALWAYS God surrounding me.

Today, on my mat, I was encouraged to "Embrace change. Honor change."  

So here I stand - at least for this one moment - with hands wide open.  Bring the change, Lord. Show me where to step. Make the way clear. And if the change is with me - in me.... if the change IS me, make it so.

Beauty for Ashes

 

It's been a week, and my emotions are a little less raw and in my face - or maybe better stated, ON my face. 

I'm still on my mat regularly.  Today, I can hear conversations happening around me.  Gratitude fills me. Beauty for ashes.  I can see it now.

I realize some of the gifts I have been given.  Some BIG gifts. When I'm in my feelings, I don't always see clearly what is right there in front of me. But, sometimes time and space gives us perspective.

Beauty for ashes.  The oil of joy in exchange for mourning.

Yes, please!  And thank You!

We're reminded to breathe. 

"Breath is always with you."

I will never leave nor forsake you.

Inhale.  

Exhale. 

"Take in what you need.

Let go of what you don't."

Flow. <tears do that sometimes - ask me how I know>

"Use your breath."

Emotions in.  

Emotions out.

"Open your heart."

Inhale: Humility

Exhale: Pride.

Inhale: Joy.

Exhale: Sadness.

Inhale: Strength.

Exhale: Fatigue.

We reach backwards over our heads.  I feel it in my chest and in my throat. Ah, we're opening up there too.

"Breathe. Take up space"

Inhale.

Exhale.

"Let your body be heavy."

A garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness.

Inhale: Thank You.

Exhale: Thank You.

I am aware that there are some ashes in my life where I don't yet see the beauty.

Then I realize: You must not be done.  Yet.

Inhale:  Thank You.

Exhale: Thank You.

Words from the (Yoga) Mat

Come to a comfortable seat.

Close your eyes.

Set an intention. (Balance)

Set an intention. (Flexibility) 

Set an intention. (Be present)

Set an intention. (Show up)

Set an intention. (Surrender)

Set an intention. (Surrender) 

Set an intention. (Surrender)

Take up space.

Breathe.

Let's connect.

This is hard.

Be still.

Be heavy.

Settle in.

Find your focus.  Find your balance.  Find your challenge.

Can you...?

If you want to...

Listen to your body.

Hands to the heart.

Relax your body.

Lead with your heart.

Lift up.

Let it go.

Ahimsa. 

It's a beautiful thing. 

Find your drishti. 

What. Do. You. Need?

Namaste

Irony

 

Today would have been my 25th wedding anniversary.  Plot twist:  it's not.  It's just another day in April - but it is the day that I temporarily change my Facebook profile picture to the sweet moment before the wedding when my little brother wiped tears from my eyes with his tie.  I feel like that moment - perhaps the whole day - deserves acknowledgment in some small way. So the picture gets posted for a few hours.

The day was cool and rainy. Perfect.  Appropriate if nothing else.  Yet, I was grateful for a day to catch up. I found myself at home - indoors, singing aloud to a favorite song about His Blessing... to a thousand generations. I probably would have picked that song to include in the ceremony if it had existed back then.  But I digress...

It's been "a minute" since I've checked in here, and this isn't a story about my marriage.  It's a story about my walk.  

In the years since I've written last, I (We, technically) have built a porch, a garden, a greenhouse, an apiary and a life.  So much has changed and become new (yes!  It does spring forth, and I do perceive it!), and some things remain very much constant:  His presence, His provision, His care, His attention to details. His apparent love for just a hint of irony in my life.

And some things have come new... again. 

I'm back on my yoga mat regularly, and finding the Joy, presence, flexibility and challenge that yoga entails. It's once again a home - a safe place to explore and grow.  And Thursday nights are some of my favorite times on my mat.

As I was preparing to leave for class, I noticed the fish I'd ordered for my tiny-little-pond had arrived.  I opened the package and planned to drop them into the tiny-little-pond on my way out.  Plot twist: all dead. 

Now late leaving home, I rushed to the yoga studio, lay my mat in "my spot", and tried to be still in the few minutes before class.

Class started and we were instructed to close our eyes, and something else - honestly not sure what - and I thought "I am grateful for today".  And I am.  I'm grateful for the years, the experiences, the unanswered prayers. Grateful for freedom to choose and breathe deeply and trust that ultimately He will provide, and to experience "abundance" in a new way. And yet, a touch of mourning I'd been avoiding earlier was there as well.

We placed our hands - one on the abdomen, one on the chest - so we could feel the breath as it entered and exited our bodies. We were asked to notice what we felt. The instructor was talking about our breath.  I felt a warm tear roll down one cheek, and then the other.

"Dead fish.  Dead marriage.  Cute, God."  On my right hand, I quickly finger-spelled "i-r-o-n-y" (and briefly wondered the actual ASL sign for the word).

We were asked if we had any request for class:  poses, areas to focus on, etc.  Like young Harry Potter, as he sat under the Sorting Hat, shortly after arriving at Hogwarts, I thought "Not camel pose.  Not camel pose..."  immediately followed by a "not my will, but Yours be done".  I trust the place, the instructor, and His presence.  If the instructor feels lead to walk us through camel pose, so be it.  I could cry in front of these people. All good. (And nothing could be QUITE as spectacular as the post-camel cry I experienced early in my yoga years, as I was walking thru my divorce.  If I survived THAT - bring it on!)

I wiped my tears as surreptitiously as I could. We moved on.  Sitting on our shins and heels, stretching the quads. Leaning back, raise the hips...

"Holy hell.  We're gonna do camel..." 

And yet, we didn't. We did camel-LIKE postures: all heart and shoulder openers. Again on my hand "i-r-o-n-y".

Then warriors and balances, and some lovely flowing sequences made up of warriors and balances. 

I glanced at my watch - noted that time was nearly up. And then I hear: "Next, we're going to do camel..."

I couldn't help myself.  I looked up and to the right - the traditional position for God's presence from my interpreting days, and off of my right hand (and face), I signed "REALLY‽ "

Really.

And we did. I reached back, found my heels and kept my thighs as upright as possible.  Camel. Done. Without a tear.

Then into child's pose - where I met a giggle.  It's the "new thing" in my yoga practice these days:  giggles. Where I once shed tears and found less sadness, I now experience giggles and find more Joy.

Finally savasana: corpse pose - where one lays still as the dead (and my brain takes up the slack for the ever-so-quiet body).  "I am grateful for this day".  Tears again ran down my face and now into my ears. "Irony", I thought. He has made a way in the wilderness of my life.  And rivers in the desert, I suppose. My life feels lush and green, though, so....

And then another giggle with the thought of my kid returning home to find the bottle of dead fish on the kitchen counter where I left them in my rush out the door. 

One Thing Remains

It has been a long, hard year.

Two kids in three different schools means lots of change, collaboration, uncertainty and flexibility.

Yet, in the midst of the whirlwind - of schedule and geographic adaptation (or not) - one thing has remained constant.


You.


In the midst of the uncertainty, You are sure.

In the midst of the chaos, You are calm.

In the midst of my weakness, You are strong.

In the midst of my fear, You are hope.

In the midst of my frustration, You are peace.

In the midst of my sorrow, You are joy.

In the midst of it all, You are more.



None of this is too hard for You.

None of this surprises You.

And nothing You have done today is any different than what You have previously done for me, and for mine.



You continue to provide.

You continue to lead and to guide.

You continue to comfort.

You continue to call us forth.



And grateful am I,

for Your timing,

for Your presence,

and, for the people you have placed in our path - before we have needed them.  Always before we have needed them!



You lead me forward, and I come again, to the verse of so many years ago.

Then Samuel took a stone and set it up between Mizpah and Shen.  He named it Ebenezer, saying, "Thus far, the Lord has helped us"  
~ 1 Samuel 7:12


Everything is different, yet nothing has changed.


Thank You, God.

"I can't"

I had just finished reading my friend's blog, when I went out on the mower to cut the grass.  For some reason, God uses these opportunities to speak to me - perhaps it's  because I can't quickly escape, or the task is fairly routine, or the hum of the car and mower engine are there to soothe me.... probably the first, but who knows for sure.... it's on the list of questions to ask when I get there....

So, after reading my friend's blog (which I'd highly recommend), on letting God be God, (titled Let Me Be ) and taking a few passes around the yard with the music playing, I began to recall all the times I have said "I can't" recently.

"I can't possibly do what You have asked"

"I can't possibly ask that question!"

"I can't.....I'm afraid"

"I can't....I don't know how"

"I can't....I will cry"

"I can't...."

"I can't...."

"I can't...."


And, then, very quietly, above the sound of the mower and of the music in my ears, I hear:

"I'm not asking you to.  I'm asking you to stop saying "I can't",  and let me..."

God Loves Me Soooooo Crazy-Much!

I can't even begin to describe it....but I want to preserve it, so here goes nothin'! 

It's my feeble attempt to capture the Love of God in the written word....<ha! Good luck with that!>

~~~~~~~

This morning, I headed to church. 

It wasn't my "home church"- but a friend's church.  On my calendar, I had planned to make the early evening service, but wasn't sure I'd be done at camp in time.  The service at my "home church" wouldn't get me TO camp in time, so up I got and headed further down the road to worship where time would allow...(at least in the morning...and perhaps again in the evening...)

That was MY plan...

So there I sat.  Singing, listening, and visualizing the ASL signs in my head (one day, they may fly off my hands there....but not today).

God met me there <of course He did!>. There, He spoke to me - through the words of scripture, and through the words of men.  Through the music itself, and through the words of a song. <naturally!>.

They even played the song that has been speaking to me, and "calling" to me. <of course they did!> The same song I sing as a prayer - that He will continue to "call me out upon the waters"... 

"Where feet may fail".  

In my head, the signs for that phrase come out "depend myself can't".  Yeah.  That.  

Where He calls these days, I can't go on my own.  MY feet WILL fail.

And then come the other songs that also speak to me....the lyric phrase that randomly came into my head last week...yeah, that song.  The phrase that I wrote just minutes before as I collected my thoughts.  And the one that reminds me, "it is well with my soul".  Yeah, that one, too.

And, so, the service ends, and I prepare to leave.   And I knew, "NO WAY" could I come back that night....  no. way. 

There's only so much "growing" and "stretching" a girl can do in a day.  Only so much insight and facing "that" that can happen (within my comfort zone).

As I start my car, my phone auto-connects to the car's bluetooth, and the music starts itself playing through the speakers:  "Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders, let me walk upon the waters, wherever You may call me".  <oh yeah, like back to the chair, where You will speak to me some more, challenge me some more, stretch me some more....LOVE me some more....> 

I'm <a little> afraid at the thought <of having to trust outside the borders of my (little) comfort zone>.

There, in my head, the signs fly, "depend myself can't". <bam. convicted>.

I recall the picture I recently "share"d on Facebook - "Don't ask Him to lead you, if you're not willing to move your feet". <bam. convicted>

The song continues, "take me deeper than my feet could ever wander, and my faith will become stronger, in the presence of my Saviour". <bam. convicted>

Ok. Ok.  I'll move my feet!  

God willing (literally), I'll go....I'll go.  "To whichever evening service Your timing will allow."

And so, I ended up being at the later <prayer> gathering.

Somehow, <by the Grace of God>, I made it into the building without a full-blown panic attack.

I climbed the stairs to the upper room.  <One. Step. At. A. Time.>

I grabbed a chair, but ended up sitting on the floor <my preference>....

against a strong, tree-like post, in this beautiful upper room....

with brick walls.....

and (old) hardwood floors....

and big windows.....

with the sun setting through them.....

and candles lit in the sills.....

and candles in lanterns along the floor....

and a wrought iron chandelier.... <does God know me, or what?!>

And people -young people- praising, and worshipping, and reading scripture, and praying for the city just outside the windows. <Hope embodied!>

And I sang, and I prayed.  And I laughed at the lengths He will go to reach me - to get me <literally> "on my knees".  

And it was beautiful....

amazingly beautiful.   

The series of songs that ended the gathering, touched my heart and brought tears to my eyes....

He answers our prayers, in His time and in His way....of that I am very aware..... <even the "trivial" ones>

<Trust Him, Linda....Trust. "Without borders">

And where He calls us, He equips us, and He meets us.  Sweetly and tenderly.  

And He heals hearts <in His time and in His way>.... Hosannah!

And interwoven throughout the entire experience, <aka: my entire life!>

Is the undeniable fact that....

God loves me .... 

Sooo crazy-much!