The Week of Mixed Emotions

Malachi 2:16 “For I hate divorce!” says the Lord, the God of Israel. “To divorce your wife is to overwhelm her with cruelty,” says the Lord of Heaven’s Armies. “So guard your heart; do not be unfaithful to your wife.” NLT

My kids have headed out with their dad. They begin their first week of summer vacation with him, and I begin a week of mixed emotions.

On one hand, I am very grateful that he is as involved with his children as he is, and I trust that he will care for them well.

I am also grateful for some "down" time. For a week, I have only one to get ready in the morning, one lunch to pack. I have a short respite from the continuous "Mom! Mom! Mom!" 's that come forth from a pair of 8 year olds. On the flip side, I only have one to get get ready in the morning and one lunch to pack. Before long I will miss the "Mom! Mom! Mom!" 's and the requests for ONE MORE bedtime kiss.

So, while they are gone, I'll try to fit in some of the things that are more difficult to do while they are in my charge. I'll also understand a little deeper in my heart why God hates divorce.

What Lies Beneath....

I woke up a little angry. It took me a little while to recognize, but the tendency toward sarcasm is a sure give away for me.

My last thought the night before was "at least I'm sleeping through the night these days." For so long, between the kids and the dog, up-every-two-hours seemed to be the routine. As soon as I spoke the gratitude for it something inside me said "OH NO!" Sure enough... it was an every-two-hours night, with the dog.

So my angry morning was also a tired morning. I elected to sleep a few hours after getting the kids off to school, which ultimately helped, I'm sure - once I got over having missed most of another BEAUTIFUL fall day!

Sure, I enjoyed a few moments with the dog on our walk....but I am longing for a day to spend in the yard. Tending the Earth. I am painfully aware that these warm, sunny days are very, very limited, and how much there is to do... I am also very aware that it won't all get done, and I have peace about that... but my soul longs to spend a day digging in the dirt...

So, there I am - fighting the sarcasm.

I know that, for me, sarcasm and anger come together. I know that anger is my friend - it doesn't feel that way at the time, but it is. It tells me when boundaries are being crossed, and it moves me out of grief.

I take a moment to reflect and explore the anger. "What are you mad at?" I ask. The response comes quickly. "I am mad that there is NOTHING I can do to make this feeling go away... I can't eat, drink, sleep (literally or figuratively) the hurt away".

Oh, yeah. That.

It's nearing the end of October. Sometime soon is the anniversary of my divorce being final. It's a date I can never remember. It's not important, really. Divorce isn't a date, it's an event. A life-changing event. Yet every year, I look it up. October 27.

I wonder when the ghosts will disappear. When October will come and go without the lingering memories, without revisiting the hurts, without shedding tears.

I know that the only way through it is through it. It must be honored. It must be felt and grieved and processed. I also know that He is with me every step of the way, holding me steady, peeling away the layers of the onion, catching my tears in the palm of His hand.

I am not alone in this. I have never been alone in this...

Thank You, God....

Marital Perceptions

I've been thinking a lot lately about marriage and divorce and different beliefs regarding the two lately....

There was a lively discussion I got involved in on Facebook when a friend (who is more of an acquaintance) stated that he and his wife are separating. It saddened me - for him and his wife - and their three young boys. What saddened me more was the comments that followed.

The first 10 or 15 comments were all supportive and stating how "maturely" they were handling the situation. I was the first to mention focusing energy on resurrecting the marriage. But, it's not his story I want to focus on...

I was reminded of how my views of marriage have changed over the years. My first one, I threw away. I didn't have the "God-connect", the support or the life skills to consider anything but leaving. I had an escape route and I was taking it.

I wonder how much of the divorce problem there is today is based on lives similar to my experience. And, I wonder if it has to do with a culture that is so used to disposable everything - diapers, water bottles, relationships. Everything is fast and easy and if it's not, don't waste your time on it. It's too sad....

I'm glad I've had relationships in my life with mentors that were different. The work wasn't fast, it wasn't easy and it wasn't fun. BUT... it was so worthwhile.

I hear so many people NOW who have worked through their differences and have found joy, peace and support in the mean time. God is in the midst of all of them... whether we choose to include him or not.

I pray for my friend and his marriage.... I pray for all of those who are struggling or have struggled.... and I pray for and express much gratitude to those who have dug in deep and persevered! Thank you, God for them. May they share their stories and encourage those who need to hear.

Peace, Silence and 4:13

I hear all sorts of stories of divorce. There appear to be as many variations on the theme of "cooperation and co-parenting" as there are people.

I am fortunate. My divorce is amicable, and my ex is an involved and supportive father. It's not a perfect situation, but it is better than many.... perhaps better than most. I thank God for that!

I also thank God for making Himself very, very present in my life as I was walking through that process. It was a definite Philippians 4:13 experience. I could not have done it alone.

Twice a summer (at least!), I experience another 4:13 period. My children go stay with their dad for a week at a time. I have no concerns for them while they are away. I know they are being well cared for and well loved. But, I also know they are not HERE.

On the surface that may seem like every mother's dream. And yes, the idea of it - and even the first couple of hours - are wonderful! But then the reality sinks in .... as does the silence.

Gone are the never-ending "Mom, Mom, MOM!!" choruses, and the thoughts of preparing meals on a kids-stomach schedule. I can fall asleep knowing I will not awaken with the thump of a kid's arm across my forehead. But as every mother knows.... something is not right. There is something missing here, and I long for their return.

May He make His presence known to me in the peace and stillness of my home, and bring peace and stillness to my heart.

Phil 4:13 - I can do all things through him who strengthens me. ESV

Yea God!!

"... And all that I can say is 'Hallelujah'!!" Those lyrics so fit right now!!

It happened! It really happened! God in action is such an amazing thing to witness! Sometimes, it's even more fun to witness it in the lives of others. This God story belongs to one of my friends.

I believe in letting people tell their own story, so I will share, very generally, my perspective on it - and how it parallels my life.

Her marriage had ended in divorce. It meant a lot of change - including finding a new home.

I'd visited with her a month or so ago. She'd caught me up on the events of finding the house she was trying to buy. I knew at the time, from what she had said, that God's hand was all over it. But, there were still a *few* obstacles to overcome from the time we walked through it to the closing.

One by one, the solutions came. Miracle after miracle (seriously!). And now... she owns a house!! It is so much more "her" than her "married house" ever was. It's nothing short of perfect!

And you know, while I am trilled and excited for her about the fact that all of this worked out - perfectly timed - the house itself isn't exactly what I am so delighted about. I feel like I can see that she has been given a wonderful, wonderful gift. But.... It's still wrapped!

What she doesn't (completely) know is that it gets better.... so much better! As little by little she moves into her new home, her new life will begin. It can't help but be a life that is centered on the fact that God moved mountains to provide for her.

I believe she will find a peace there that she hasn't ever experienced before. True, genuine, God-centered peace. And THAT is why I cry out "hallelujah!!" YEA GOD!!

Watching God at Work

I had the opportunity to visit with an old friend of mine the other day. We met for dinner, and delivery of a minivan full of moving boxes I'd saved for her. She is one of the women with whom I have shared a friendship nearly as long as my tenure in Tennessee. We met shortly after we both moved to TN from opposite coasts.

Her presence in my life was a Godsend. I was in desperate need of a "teacher", guide, mentor and prayer warrior. Together, we walked through my life, healing the past, and journeying through my early experiences with marriage and motherhood. As time passed, our more formal relationship transitioned into a friendship, and we sort of lost touch.

I'd call her periodically as I walked through my early marriage crisis and divorce. But, then, again, we drifted apart.

A year or so later, I ran into a mutual friend at a community event. "Have you talked to your our friend lately?" she asked. "No....not in a long time...." The woman became very quiet, and finally said, "You should call her..."

A couple of weeks later, I did.... I was a bit surprised to hear her news: She was in the midst of a marriage crisis, heading toward divorce. She was in need of a guide, mentor and prayer warrior.

I shared with her the hope of my story: Even in the darkest moments of my marriage and my divorce process, God has been with me. When I was weak, He was strong. I reiterated some of the things she had taught me through the years. I shared my belief that it is not my job to punish, shame or make life difficult for my ex-husband. My job is to be obedient to what God would have me do: in this case "Love him well", and be a godly mother.

Time passed, and I witnessed her shock and despair turn into strength. Anger became insightful protection rather than a weapon. Joy and Laughter returned, as did Hope and Grace. She found her feet.... standing on the Rock of God.

Challenges have continued to arise.... including the prospect of moving from their "married house" to her own house. She shared the story as it has been unfolding and we walked, together, through the house she is hoping to purchase. I see God's hand allllllll over it! It reminds me of my house buying process, and I am filled with joy for her. I know what a blessing it will be.

I continue to pray that God will handle the details in her situation - as He did in mine - and that she will continue to be blessed by people in the world who do care for the "widows and orphans" of our age.

The Faces of Divorce

Through the years, and especially within the past 6 months or so, I have met more and more divorced women. Some have been divorced for years, others more recently. Some have young children, others, grown children.

Many of these women struggle to make ends meet. Some routinely require the assistance of the court to receive child support. Many move - sometimes quickly - some stay in their marital homes. Some are at peace with the dissolution of their marriage, others struggle with the feelings of loss and grief.

The reasons for divorce vary, but the outcomes are essentially the same. Life has been dramatically changed. It's hard - no matter how 'good' it is. There is a process to walk through. There needs to be time for "grieving the wish" of the marriage, and healing of a broken heart. It was in that process that my faith was enriched. It was then that the true "God-connect" was established.

One of my friends likens single mothers and children of divorce to the "widows and orphans" of this time. Many truly are. Some are fortunate to have continued support in parenting. Some struggle with the balance between the two.

As I meet more and more women of divorce, I am reminded how blessed I am. My house, my neighborhood, my "village", my ex. It has not always been easy, but I have been truly loved and supported throughout the process. It has strengthened my faith, and renewed my hope.

In all this time, I have never had a need go unmet.

Thank You, God...

Call to Me... and I Will Sing to you

I recently had dinner with a dear friend of mine. She has walked much of my Tennessee path with me, shining lights and holding mirrors. Gently confronting when appropriate. Grieving hopes and dreams together. This night, we shared our experiences with God as we walked through our divorce experiences. Similar, yet different. The similarity is the end point - a sweet, sweet relationship with God. The difference - the path and the means. God has spoken to each of us differently as He has called us into relationship with Himself.

We shared stories, and caught each other up on the events in our lives since we last shared a meal. We laughed and drew pictures and jotted down phrases on the "to go" bag that lay on the table. (One day, we will learn to bring our own paper!!)

"Jeremiah 33:3" she said. "Call out to Me and I will tell you great and hidden things that you have not known". That had been our experience. We had called out to Him with every essence of our being - from the brokenness of our hearts, we had cried out. And He has shown us great things. I continued to read to verse 6: "Behold, I will bring ... health and healing, and I will heal them and reveal to them abundance of prosperity and security". There is nothing that I can add to that but "Amen". It is my experience exactly! (Thank You, God!)

We joked as we left that still had to blog when I got home. She asked "about what?" - "I don't know", I said, "but I am sure I'll find out on the ride home". I pulled out of the parking lot, and turned on the radio. The music started...

"The wind blows hard against this mountainside
Across the sea into my soul.
It reaches into where I cannot hide

Kyrie eleison - down the road that I must travel
Kyrie eleison - through the darkness of the night
Kyrie eleison - where I'm going will you follow
Kyrie eleison - on a highway in the light"


Kyrie eleison - Lord Have Mercy on us. Crying out to God. "Have mercy on us..." Kyrie eleison... I smiled and sang along. I pulled out a napkin that had come with the unsweet tea I had ordered that morning, and started jotting down the title so I would remember when I got home... I would blog about this... Calling out to God... Kyrie eleison. Jeremiah 33:3.

The music continued. The song changed. I listened - then wrote....

"Hold fast
Help is on the way
Hold fast
He's come to save the day
What I've learned in my life
One thing greater than my strife
Is His grasp
So hold fast"

I continued to sing and nod my head and jot down lyrics (and drive!). The next song, I'd never heard before. But the chorus, I loved immediately:

"knowing clouds will raise up
storms will race in
but you will be safe in My arms
rains will pour down
waves will crash all around
but you will be safe in My arms"

Then songs of praise and thanksgiving. YES!

The next song I had signed at church:

"We cry Holy, Holy, Holy...."

I saw before my eyes the sign "cry out" - from the heart to the heavens. Crying out to God. A pouring out of my heart to God. That had been my experience as my head-knowledge shifted to heart-knowledge. At first, it cried out in brokenness and grief. I cried out, and He responded with "great and hidden things" that I had not known. He responded with "health and healing... abundance of prosperity and security". Now, I cry out (most days!) with praise and thanksgiving!

As I turned into my driveway, I recognized the tune that was beginning. I'd heard it for the first time as I pulled out of my driveway that morning. The first song on my way to work:

"If you’re living
If you’re breathing
You got something to say
You know if your heart is beating
You got something to say
And no one can say it like you do
God is love and love speaks through you
You got it, you got it
You got something to say "

We all have something to say. We all have a story to tell.

May I be bold in telling mine.

I have called out... and He has sung to me.

Cinco de Mayo

Upon return from my quest to Chaco Canyon, NM, life turned on a dime. I had quit searching for information to explain the current state of my marriage. For a long time, I believed if I knew WHAT was going on, then I'd know how to FIX the problems. I was wrong. Most supremely wrong in the fact that I could control the outcome. Certainly, I can work on the pieces that I contribute to life and the world and my relationships with others, but I can't control the outcome. Another wonderful reminder to me to "Show up, do my best, and leave the outcome to God".

But, I digress. I had long since quit searching for information - yet, somehow, the information that I needed to make appropriate day to day decisions presented itself to me. And this day was no exception.

It was actually the 4th of May that the information was presented, and the conversation took place. But it was Cinco de Mayo when he moved out. It was time.

In the days, weeks and months that followed, I continued to depend on God for direction. I continued to be amazed at how the people I needed in my life showed up before I needed them. Whatever the need, it was somehow met.

I also tested out the theory that I'd formulated in New Mexico. God would meet me HERE. Suddenly, it baffled me, that I hadn't realized that fact, despite my experiences over the previous months and years. As it must, to be truly understood, the knowledge was making its way from my head to my heart.

I can't tell you it was easy. The process of divorce is never easy - but ours was relatively uneventful, as divorces go. We were both able to maintain a spirit of cooperation - still do, which has been beneficial long-term.

Cinco de Mayo - the beginning of my living independently, from a worldly perspective. From a spiritual perspective, I've never lived so dependently! I am seen as a single mother - but, I have never, ever been alone. Never.


~~~~~~~
For those who may not know the significance of "Cinco de Mayo" (aside from 1/2 price margaritas at the local Mexican restaurant). The 5th of May - Cinco de Mayo - is the celebration of initial victory of Mexican forces over the French in the city of Puebla - not it's official "Independence Day"... but a darn good start! Same for me... pretty cool!