Heart vs. Head

My heart and my head are trying to agree and thus far, the only thing they can find agreement with is one thing.

Both are grateful that I have several wise Christian women with whom I can discuss matters like these. Perspective, clarity, discernment and wise counsel. I am blessed to be in community with such women. I know, simply by that fact, I am more fortunate than many.

Now.... to find the time to do just that.

Until then, I will err on the side of love.... and breathe.....

"Feelings are Not Facts"

I remember being baffled the first time I heard it. "Feelings are not facts, " she said. I just stood quizzically staring at her. "what?" "Just because you feel something, doesn't make it true," she explained. I still didn't get it. I was new at "feelings", and I knew very little about "Truth"...

She went on to explain with the example of feeling alone. Back then, I often felt alone. I was living by myself, with two cats and two dogs. There were no kids underfoot. There was an on-again-off-again relationship, and a fledgling relationship with God.

I "got" that - I understood feeling "alone". "Now," she said, "are you REALLY alone?" I stared back at her, silent. "Really, truly, are you alone? No, you can call me for one..." We went on to list the people in my life that knew, loved and supported me.

For a while, I did something that seems ridiculous now, but was so necessary then. When I had a feeling I didn't know how to process, I'd call her and we'd talk through it. It was a gift. The most amazing gift.

Many, many years later, feelings still try to control my life and my actions from time to time. I can't call my friend anymore, but I can recall what He has said to me. When I feel alone, I can speak the truth into it:

"Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you." Hebrews 13:5

"Behold, the hour is coming, indeed it has come, when you will be scattered, each to his own home, and will leave me alone. Yet I am not alone, for the Father is with me." John 16:32

"Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil, for you are with me;
your rod and your staff, they comfort me. "
~~ Psalm 23:4

Feelings are not facts. May I hold fast to the Truth.

Discernment...

I keep coming back to it. Discernment. Perhaps as I write, I will learn.... He teaches me that way, you know...

Life barrages us with opportunities to fine tune our discernment. Day after day, moment after moment. Opportunity after hidden opportunity!

As I think through the day, prioritize the items on the "to do" list, I hear a reminder to not "mistake the urgent for the important". Sometimes I get so focused on the deadlines that I miss out on some of the richness of this life. I hope I haven't done that too much with my kids.

I am very aware of the big deadlines ahead of me: PTO open house and the Consignment sale drop-off. Both are important - and becoming more urgent as the hours pass by - but compared to a discussion with my daughter about baptism. Not even close.

"Special offers" come into our lives - so do God's miracles. Being able to distinguish the offers that are "too good to be true" because they aren't from the others that bless us off our feet because that's the way God works is HUGE.

I have learned, through the years, that I have a pretty good barometer. I wasn't able to utilize it til I realized it was in my 'gut' and in my heart --not in my head. For a long, long time, I'd talk myself out of what I knew to be true by rationalizing the 'evidence' that surrounded me. I'd cling to someone's words as truth, despite drowning in their contradictory actions.

It took some time, but I've learned some things. I've learned I need to disconnect my preferences and emotions from the events at hand. If I am to see clearly, it must not be through the lens of my hopes and dreams, fears and dreads.

I have also learned that the world's urgency, and my hesitancy must be removed as well. Just as the students in my son's karate class must wait on their instructor to say "GO!" before they work on their 'black belt speed', I must wait for God to say 'go' before I rush off into my life. I must bring it before God.

If I listen, He will speak. "wait", "go", "listen", "stop", "run", "look", "yes", "no". If I haven't heard, it isn't time.

Thus Far, He has lead me. He has "stalked" me, called me. He has remained beside me, whispering in my hear.

"Listen", "look", "hope", "pray", "love".....

Doing the Next Right Thing

I am definitely in deadline mode. And, somehow, they all seemed to hit this week. Papers to grade, a house to decorate. The tree is up, and one batch of my grandmother's Christmas cookies are waiting to be rolled in powdered sugar.

A few things will get triaged to next week - the Christmas letter and Christmas card mailing, wrapping the out of town presents, and sending them on their way. Preparations for my mother's visit. Volunteering at school. More cookies.

In the midst of the whirlwind of tasks screaming for my attention, I try to stay focused on the 'next right thing' to do. It helps keep me from being overwhelmed by the To Do list. Each deadline met is one more bit of progress. One step closer.

I also try to maintain some self-care - Reaching for a bit of balance, as life events are juggled in the air: A deep breath in... and out. Quiet conversation with God. Time on the yoga mat. A (short) walk with the dog. Focusing on gratitude - I am truly blessed. Asking for strength and endurance as I keep walking, knowing that He is walking beside me.

Little by little, as each task is completed, there is more hope for - what do they call it? Oh yeah... " a long winter's nap...."

Thank You God for the abundance in my life..... give me the strength, endurance to continue and the discernment to know what exactly IS the Next Right Thing to do.