Thursday, October 22, 2009

What Lies Beneath....

I woke up a little angry. It took me a little while to recognize, but the tendency toward sarcasm is a sure give away for me.

My last thought the night before was "at least I'm sleeping through the night these days." For so long, between the kids and the dog, up-every-two-hours seemed to be the routine. As soon as I spoke the gratitude for it something inside me said "OH NO!" Sure enough... it was an every-two-hours night, with the dog.

So my angry morning was also a tired morning. I elected to sleep a few hours after getting the kids off to school, which ultimately helped, I'm sure - once I got over having missed most of another BEAUTIFUL fall day!

Sure, I enjoyed a few moments with the dog on our walk....but I am longing for a day to spend in the yard. Tending the Earth. I am painfully aware that these warm, sunny days are very, very limited, and how much there is to do... I am also very aware that it won't all get done, and I have peace about that... but my soul longs to spend a day digging in the dirt...

So, there I am - fighting the sarcasm.

I know that, for me, sarcasm and anger come together. I know that anger is my friend - it doesn't feel that way at the time, but it is. It tells me when boundaries are being crossed, and it moves me out of grief.

I take a moment to reflect and explore the anger. "What are you mad at?" I ask. The response comes quickly. "I am mad that there is NOTHING I can do to make this feeling go away... I can't eat, drink, sleep (literally or figuratively) the hurt away".

Oh, yeah. That.

It's nearing the end of October. Sometime soon is the anniversary of my divorce being final. It's a date I can never remember. It's not important, really. Divorce isn't a date, it's an event. A life-changing event. Yet every year, I look it up. October 27.

I wonder when the ghosts will disappear. When October will come and go without the lingering memories, without revisiting the hurts, without shedding tears.

I know that the only way through it is through it. It must be honored. It must be felt and grieved and processed. I also know that He is with me every step of the way, holding me steady, peeling away the layers of the onion, catching my tears in the palm of His hand.

I am not alone in this. I have never been alone in this...

Thank You, God....

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