Two Years Ago

It is hard for me to believe it's been two years since I returned to "My Shack".

I had no idea what was going to happen, nor that so much would change from that experience.

I am grateful for the path I stepped on when I walked back into the chapel, lay myself on the altar - literally and figuratively - and let Him lead.

We're not done, I know. Most days, He is still leading.

There is much hope.

Thank You, God!

Back in the Saddle

Boy was it good to be back in the saddle. I haven't been on a horse since before my kids were born. It's been at least a decade.

But one day, sort of out of the blue, I said to a friend, "... if you ever need a riding buddy....."

My experience is limited - no more than a dozen times have I sat on the back of a horse. It has always been thoroughly enjoyable. I've loved it.

This time was no exception.

Yes, I have more of the images of the people I've cared for in the land of Trauma, following their equine accidents stored in the recesses of my brain, but still. Up I went. And, I loved it.

I'm grateful for this friendship, and this opportunity. I'm grateful for the internal nudge that put the request to ride out there.

Next time... more cantering.

Joy Comes in the Morning

I love the promise that joy comes in the morning, and that His mercies are new every morning as well.

It has certainly been true for me. Time after time, I experience it. Today, I remember it clearly.

I woke up. There was joy.... with me again.

It helped that the sun was shining and the morning crisp and clear and beautiful. It also helped that I planned to start the day with a walk, and then throw a few punches. After that, it was up in the air... which was good, because it so didn't turn out as I might have planned it. (Especially going to the grocery store without my wallet!)

Anyhow. There is joy. There is much to be grateful for in this life of mine.

Thank You, Thank You, Thank You, God...

Quick and Easy

Have been working overnight, so this will be quick and easy - so NOT like the night has been.

The day was beautiful....

Loved walking the dog, walking with a friend - despite legs that continue to hurt with every step.

Loved working in the yard, seeing which plants are beginning to stick their heads up out of the dirt.

Love dreaming and beginning to prepare my garage to turn into an at home exercise area.

Ah, the dreams keep coming along....

Thank You, God!

Discharge Day....

Work is usually pretty quite this time of year.... usually.

In the past three days, we've added 19 patients to my census. Suffice it to say, it's been a little busy!

Wednesday was discharge day. For many, it was the last opportunity (until Tuesday) to move from the hospital to a less acute environment. Some were hoping to head to rehab or perhaps a skilled nursing facility. For all of those who could go, we worked like mad to get it done. A few others were fortunate enough to go home.

But many will spend the Christmas holiday with us. There will be family members and visitors coming and going all weekend, not a one of them wishing to celebrate at the trauma center.

But for all of the pain and hard work, there is also some joy. Some will embrace it, others will lean toward "victim", but it is there none the less.

May I embrace it. May those around me realize that they can too.

Proud Mama

I am a proud mama. I have been blessed with two wonderful children. They are as similar and as different as siblings can be. They challenge me to the depths of my patience, yet, they bring so much joy.

This week was my son's turn to shine. He has worked hard for another 3 months and earned his orange belt in karate. I cannot begin to tell you how proud I am of him - at his hard work and his dedication.

I am also thrilled with the progress he has made with his "SD" - self-discipline. He is a courteous and generous kid to the core of his being, but his SD needed a bit of improvement.

It is an honor to stand beside them and watch them grow. It is also a huge responsibility, being a parent. But, mostly, it is a tremendous blessing being their mom.

The Return of Joy

As I sat for a moment on my back deck, I gazed at the empty hummingbird feeder. I recalled my fascination with the tiny creatures a year ago, and how abundant they seemed to be. This year, not so much.

Back then, they were an embodiment of joy. Their dance, their laughing song. This year, they were noticeably absent.

True, I had been less consistent with filling their feeder, but the natural attractants were no less plentiful. The bee balm and the rose of sharon bloomed as fully as a year ago.

I wondered if the lack of the presence of hummingbird joy paralleled my life. I considered that for a moment, but it didn't ring true for me. There was much joy this summer - packed into the hustle and bustle. I sat there quietly lost in thought for a while.

I caught the flash out of the corner of my eye, and followed the blur until it lighted on the closeline. YES! They ARE here!

I wondered when the last time I sat and actively looked for them. I couldn't recall. I remember taking a few minutes in the morning light last summer. They'd chase each other and welcome the day. I'd see them again as I sat for an afternoon moment of peace. But this year...? When had I sat expectantly longing for them to reveal themselves to me? I hadn't.

Perhaps joy itself is similar. If I'm caught up in the bustle of life, will it elude me? And, just because I don't see it right in front of my eyes, doesn't mean it doesn't exist. Joy is in our perspective, in what we see, what we search for.

Do I sit quietly and expectantly, or do I move along wondering where it has gone? Are my days grounded in gratitude? Do I take time to search for the joy that I know is abundant in the world?

Seek and you shall find, He says...

Help me seek joy!

Seeing a Difference

Its not often that I seriously think of writing a thank you note to a health care provider. Generally, I'm healthy, and seek care only for health maintenance purposes. I have been blessed with wonderful providers, and have no complaints re: care, but my most recent exposure was amazing!!

This week is vacation bible school at the church where my children attend when they are with their father. My son VERY much wanted to go, so I agreed to the 40 minute commute each way, plus the three hour study time. It's a hunk of time out of my week that I'd love to put toward unpacking, laundry, housework, yard work and RE packing, but I also see the value in helping my kids be comfortable at their dad's church too, so off we've gone. (And, yes there is an awareness that God has cleared some time for He and I to spend together....especially after Sunday morning's events...I'm sure of it!)

I have tried to make a list of the errands that I can do in that part of town while there in class (as well as some quiet time). One of the things on my list is my annual eye exam. I was particularly wanting to get this done this week since we will be heading to visit my family in New England next week, and I'm on my last pair of contacts.

As I dropped the kids off at "Destiny Airways", I called the vision center to see what the odds of an available appointment during the few hours my kids are at the church. I was amazed when I could be seen that very day!

As I walked in and met the optometrist, I told her how happy I was to be able to be seen that morning. "You must be having problems?" I said, "No, actually, but we're going out of town, and I'm on my last pair of lenses. I like to have a spare". She asked about my prescription history and how it had changed at my last visit. We joked a little bit about me finding myself holding things out a little farther to read these days. I hadn't thought about it, but in discussing it, realized it was true. She laughed and said "Yes, God designed our eyes for reading, not for seeing far away...." "... but then there's the driving...." I added. She nodded, "Who said that God was perfect....?" At my silence, she said "Oh, yeah... HE did."

Long story short, it was the most fun I've had while getting my vision checked in AGES!! I even love my multifocal lenses (that would be "bifocals", folks!!) Seriously, it's like being a kid again! I can SEE.... really, really SEE!! Amazing! (And amazing at what I took for granted as 'seeing')

I've come to discover that the print in my bible isn't too small or fuzzy after all!! SCORE!!

Thank you, God for this woman of joy that you brought into my life - and her reminder to me that You are perfect!! (I really needed her perspective!)

God's Chess Match

I sit here, filled with gratitude at the way God has been teaching me lately.... and how it is SOOOOO not what I was expecting. It has been difficult work, no doubt, but He has blessed me with people who have walked beside me every step of the way.

Imagine the audacity to even engage in God's Chess Match*. You know the game. He does this so I do that, and expect Him to follow with the next "appropriate" move. Well, much to my surprise.... I am SO far off track, it's hard to believe we're playing on the same board.

Quite honestly, I have been a little afraid of the current sermon series on marriage. Neither of mine were shining examples of a "Godly marriage", and God often chooses my time on the interpreting block to speak to me. Each week I stand up there, surrender my hands, and PRAY that I will continue to be able to interpret if He chooses that opportunity to teach me.

Each week, I find myself so, so grateful. He has been gracious and pulled me aside to point out the things that need examining. I prepare myself for the public spanking, and He deals with me privately. Gently, but firmly, He says, "Look...."

Sometimes, I am horrified as I look back, and then humbled to the point of immobility, to know that even *that* has been forgiven. Even *that*, Christ has accepted for-for me. No public shame or removal from His presence. Instead, there is grace, hope, forgiveness and love.

There is also not a petty dismissal - "ah, that was years ago, never mind that...." It needs to be looked at, examined, confessed, repented. If not, it seems to just sit there - in the dark corners of my heart - weighing me down, until I am ready - or willing - to do so.

So patiently, He waits, continuing to "stalk" me... to show me, convict me. There He stands, arms extended, waiting for me to lay those things at his feet - to forgive myself - so I can walk a little lighter in this world. Peace, Joy, Hope, Forgiveness, Love: all there. Waiting.

Waiting for my move.

This past week, it has been me, face down before Him. "Here... take it....It's named, it's awful. I am so, so sorry..... and I'm ready to let it go".

(... and then, silently I listen, expecting Him to whisper, "Check mate")

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
*Thank you, friend, for that visual.....

Hectic Joy

I am amazed at how quickly this first full week of summer has filled up: birthday party, graduation party, Daisy Girl Scout event - on top of the usually scheduled events, primarily gymnastics, yoga and karate. Yet, as I sat on the deck letting the dog run free in the back yard, I recalled much joy in the day.

It hadn't started that way.... it had been a morning of struggles: Getting the kids bathed, the dog walked, and into the car for our first session in "The Adventure Gym". Both kids were really excited about it - the boy, for sure, and the girl hoping with all her might that she'd be able to participate as well...

We will be heading there weekly for my son's Occupational Therapy to treat his newly diagnosed sensory problems. I sat and laughed til I cried at some of the "games" he got to play. Flying through the air like superman, climbing rope ladders, shooting hoops, zip lines. It is amazing to me to see how the therapist can package his tasks into little gifts that he can't get enough of!

From there, we went to pick up his karate belt at his dad's, a quick ice cream treat, then back to the house for an hour or so before karate. See, he really needed his belt because it was stripe testing: and he earned his second stripe!!

So, there I sat, watching the dog play, with the wonderful summer breeze in my hair, recapping the day. As I said my prayers, one thing kept coming to mind: the ear to ear grins on our faces and the sound of laughter in my ears.

It was a long, hectic day - but it was filled with much joy. The sound of my children's laughter is what I will remember....

What are the odds?

So... yes, I know we've been having this crazy mix of rain and sunshine here lately. And...as you might imagine, that is perfect rainbow weather.

I have seen rainbows twice this week. The first one - a double - I saw after a long day of physically hard work. I was quietly walking the dog, unwinding a little bit.

The second, was at the church, mid-week. I was talking with my aunt on the phone. I was catching up with her when I looked up, and there, stretching from my favorite stand of trees to the top the church building, was another.

I find comfort in the fact that both occurred at the end of long, difficult days, where I was trying to rest, relax and regroup.

They brought peace, and joy and hope. The remind me of the beauty that just pops up in this world from time to time. Sometimes unexpected - though, sometimes, we learn the signs and begin to search.

They remind me that in the midst of my crazy life here on this earth, God is present and all is well.

Remembering Moments of Joy

As I sat down to write this, I was in a foul mood. It had been a long day - including some pool time, which is great, but the sun-drain had hit... By the time I was ready to sit and write, I had just realized my boy didn't have the required kerchief for his Cub Scout Uniform... that of course we needed for the morning.... EARLY morning.

Why I worry, I don't know. The situation worked out, thanks to a ridiculous commute, a telephone pole and a willing dad.

It was as I messaged a friend that I remembered the joy of the day. We started the morning with the kitten eating her first solid food meal (no bottle!). From there, I packed for the day - lunch and towels - and we headed first to school to pick up report cards, then to the pool a the local Y.

There are new rules there this year. Good rules. Rules that promote safety and parent/child interaction. (for example, the parent of a child who cannot swim, must stay with the child who cannot swim - or put the kid in a life jacket).

So, my kids took their swim tests. My daughter passed, no problems. My son, not so much. He was told he could practice and take it again. So, he and I went to the shallow end of the pool, and together, we went through what he was doing and how he could improve his strokes, and thus his endurance.

Within the hour, he wanted to try again. I thought he could pass it, so he asked permission to try again. He had to wait patiently for about ten minutes for another life guard to be available to test him. We walked to the deep end, he jumped in and began to swim.

About 3/4 of the way across the 25 yards was the moment of truth. I could see the look in his eyes. He knew he had to finish to be able to go on the slide (his FAVORITE thing), but there was some doubt beginning to creep into his face.

I had been walking along the pool edge with him. At that point, I walked to the end, looked him in the eye, and said, "you are ALMOST here... keep swimming, you can do this!" The doubt left him and his smile widened. It was all he could do to contain his joy as he exited the pool.

Mid way through typing this out, I realized that the same thing happens in my own life. I get a chance to try again. At that moment of doubt, when I'm not quite sure if I'll be able to accomplish the task at hand, someone shows up and cheers me on. God sends someone or something to stand at the end to encourage me and give me a 'high five' when it's over.

He asked me if I was proud of him for passing his test. I told him "yes, I am. But I am more proud about your perseverance!"

God, grant me the perseverance of my son.... And thank You for those along my path who remind me of these wonderful, wonderful moments when my mind is too focused on the new problem that has surfaced before me.

Bittersweet

Let me preface by saying that yes, I know this picture is blurry. The original is blurry, but it is here for a reason. It was included in the slide show.

It was a bittersweet day: Grandma's funeral. Such a mixture of joy and sadness. Joy, because we know that she is in a better place. Joy because we know that she is "free of the cage" that her stroke, eight years ago, trapped her within.

It stole her ability to choose the words she wanted to speak, and her ability to retain certain bits of information. But, it could never take her joy, her love or her gentle, compassionate spirit.

It was a long day for children. Visitation, the funeral itself, and the burial afterward. Three seven year old grandchildren sat as quietly as they could, showing their respect in a way only they can in a situation that was - as my son said - "BOR-ing".

But, as he sat on my lap - all 70 pounds of him - I realized he was listening. He brightened as the pastor read his name as one of the "Joys of her life". But it was during the scripture time that I realized he wasn't lost in the Pokeman DS replay surely going on in his head.

The pastor was describing the person that Grandma was, and summed it up with Proverbs 31. On Mother's Day, our pastor had called 31:28 to the attention of the children. As the pastor read these words during the funeral service, I could see the cogs turning in my boy's brain. All of a sudden, the ton of bricks on my lap sat up straight, turned, looked me straight in the eye and said, "You are blessed".

He is right.... I am blessed... beyond my wildest imaginings, I am blessed.

Moving on...

I got one of those calls today that remind me of how UN-fixed plans really are. Schedules are not really "set". My timing is merely that... my timing.

The call was from my ex, letting me know that his mother had died the night before. The day continued, but the rest of the week got put on hold, awaiting plans for visitation and the funeral.

I thought back to my father's funeral, and my friend, Karen's death. "Love never ends", I reminded myself. I remember the acuteness of the loss, and how time eases the pain. There will be things that pop up from time to time that remind us of her, and we will revisit it briefly. One day, those reminders will bring joy for the life.

On my return home from the Elementary School, I sat to read my email. In the stack was a note from my first ex-husbands step-father. He was letting me know that his wife, my first mother-in-law, had died, early last week. "She always loved you," he wrote.

And I realize how greatly I have been blessed. How fortunate am I to have had TWO mother-in-laws who "always loved me". Despite the divorces, we have kept in touch. A gift indeed!

I am also grateful to have been able to see both of them fairly recently. Neither one was in great health, and I know that they are both "free" now of that which restricted their lives here on earth these past few years. The are moving on... to bigger and better things.

God in Action...

I am being given another opportunity to watch God in action. This is something I will never tire of. (Though, I must admit, I'm glad the action is in someone else's life this time.)

I have a friend who is in the process of buying a house. The situation is a little complicated, but as she listens and obeys, the path is being cleared. Obstacle after obstacle is being set aside, and day by day, she is closer to her new home.

I know without a doubt the house will be everything she needs - and I believe it will become even more than that. It will be the sanctuary she desires for herself and for her family. Their refuge. Her cleft in the rock.

In the process, she is being given the gift of learning perseverance and the joy that comes with hard, hard work. When she is done, she will be exhausted. She'll look back and have no idea how it all came together - only through God could it have happened as it did. She will then be given a season of rest. Of that I am certain, for it has been that way in my life after each period of hard, hard work. And then, she will experience joy, and peace.

I look forward to being able to be of service in her process ... especially in regards to the yard. When I saw the house and got the tour a month or so ago, we walked the property as well. I pointed out the different plants and flowers that I knew to be growing there. It will be beautiful... and a gift to watch as each area comes to life.

Currently, it is a challenge for sure, but I see God's hand in it.... it has "blessing" written all over it!

Thank you, God, for blessing my friend.

Creating Sacred Space

I spent the day in the yard: moving stone, spreading mulch, planting pansies. Wonderful, wonderful work! It does my heart, body, mind and soul good. There is nothing that fills me more than "tending the earth"

On the agenda was creating some sacred space. A place to go and sit. A place to be still. A place to talk to God.

As I fit the stones and spread the mulch, I thought about what a gift it is to have the space, the ability and the desire to be out there. The day was beautiful, and my heart was joyful! The pansies, they were a little wilted, but I'm hoping they'll resuscitate well with a little TLC.

As spring progresses, I expect the bleeding hearts and the peonies I planted will grown and bloom. I will continue to move the violets and snowdrops scattered throughout my yard into this area. The area will evolve, with time, with care and with inspiration.

As the budget allows, it will also expand. I have hopes and dreams of increasing the size of the stone patio and the mulch garden area. I can see the final result in my head, and will make slow but steady progress until it is complete.

I wonder if it's the same way with God toward me.... He knows the final results.... it just takes some time, some work, some love and some care for the process to evolve. He COULD, I'm sure, just * create* me in that final image. But, like the creation of the sacred space and garden. The joy experienced in the process would be lost.

What a gift to journey, to evolve, to grow.

Thank you God!

A Breath of Fresh Air!!

I fully appreciate the expression now! We've had our first truly warm, beautiful spring day! Windows throughout my house are raised to the max! The breeze is coming in from all directions! YES!! A breath of fresh air!

When I come in from getting the mail, I realize how WONDERFUL it smells - spring, life, hope, joy - in my house! Instinctively I take in a deep, deep breath, and then another. Oh - I love this. I LOVE this.

Yes, the wind blows the notes and papers stuck to the fridge with magnets onto the floor. Yes, dust and pollen will be covering my appliances soon. Feeling this fresh air, I don't care. I don't even want to think of it.... and it CERTAINLY won't cause me to close the windows again!

I step back outside, past the dog kennel, toward the garden. Arms extended out to my sides, head flung back, I spin and laugh. Thank You, thank You, God, for returning spring to me!

I take a moment to consider the fact that the same is true when I open the windows to my heart and allow Him to breathe new life there as well. Yes, things get strewn around a little bit - or even a lot! Yes, it makes it more susceptible to dust, pollen and other annoyances to collect there, BUT.... opening the windows to my heart - allowing a breath of fresh air to stir things up a bit - to bring hope and joy and cause me to breathe deeply and spin around like a child... OH MY GOD... it is so worth it! So worth it!

Open the windows of my heart, Lord - come in and blow some things around! Bring me a breath of fresh air, and allow me to dance!

A New Day

It is amazing what 24 hours, some prayer, a walk and a nap will do for one's perspective.... specifically MY perspective. Tuesday evening, I was grieving. When I awoke Wednesday, I was tired, and angry. I decided, despite the seemingly unending list of things to do, a nap would be in my best interests.

I awoke a few hours later, feeling a little better. Walking the dog was next on the "to do" list, followed by a shower, a trip to the bank and a quick stop by the elementary school. As I made progress through the list of tasks, I felt better and better.

Mid-afternoon, as my children returned from school, I noticed them. The first violets of spring. By the corner of the porch, they bloomed. Leaves barely unfurled, in the midst of the winterized grass, bright purple!

YES! Thank You God... Spring is coming! Hope! Renewal! New Life. YES! (just in time!)

I can't even begin to tell you how much better I feel! I am so grateful for the friends that I have talked with, prayed with, and the now daily reminders that spring is just around the corner!

Thank you God!

The Tresle Bridge

This is one of my favorite pictures from the years I lived in "the womb house". What was built for the railroad in 1901, turned into a place where I would stop and talk with God in the mid to late 1990's.

When I moved into "the womb house", the bridge was in pretty bad shape... and barely walkable. (though somehow I managed to muster my courage to walk across from beam to beam!). Over time, the rail road ties were replaced with an honest to goodness wooden footbridge. In the process, what was once a means to transport goods to Nashville, became a Rails to Trails trail.

The trail head began directly across the street from my house, so I walked it nearly every day. I was more likely to run into deer than another human being, which, at the time, was perfect in my eyes. I watched the seasons change on the hillside. Turtles sunned on logs and fish swam beneath the surface of the water. The heron stood gracefully in the shallow waters, despite the sound of cows in the pasture. One day, I was truly blessed to watch otter play.

In the fall and the spring, when the air was cooler than the water, I'd head out in the morning. The spiders had created webs between the upright posts, and the dew would form beads along their strands. The "Dew Drop Galleries", I named them. They were beautiful creations.

The thing that I loved most - and still do, when I make the time to drive out there - was the breeze. As I'd approach the bridge, the breeze would come up and brush the hair out of my face. It was if God Himself were there, brushing it out of my eyes, and wiping the tears that He found there.

I'd stop in the middle of the bridge and stare into the water. Watch a snake swim past, or a leaf float by. There, I'd say my prayers. It was the beginning of my conscious contact with God. It was there that I became aware of His presence in my life.

Thank You for your consistency; for meeting me there day after day. For whispering in my ear and in my heart, "Here I AM"...

There is My Joy...

This is a much more articulate version of what I shared at 2:42. I had this printed out, but summarized it as I remembered: (and I only cried once...)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When I was asked to speak on Sunday night, it was suggested I talk of Joy and God working in my life. Perhaps talking about my blog, or of my interpreting. Instead, I chose to share part of my journey. Likely one of the most pivotal points of my faith journey.

It was in the moment when crisis had hit my marriage and I realized that *I* couldn't fix it, that I was broken enough to surrender and willing to get still enough to really listen. I looked around at my life... at the people I'd met, and the places I'd been. I didn't understand how I had gotten there. But, at that moment I had a brief glimpse of clarity and a change of heart.

I had been told that "God is always with you", that He has plans for me, but I didn't really get it. I hadn't really experienced it.... Then, I realized that He had surrounded me with the people that I needed in my life. The women in my bible study, the women in my yoga class. I was exactly where I was meant to be in that moment. It was then that I first understood. My crazy mixed-up story is a part of His plan.

As I walked through those next months, I searched for Him. "Are You still there?" I'd ask. Without fail, there He was. Guiding, comforting, encouraging. Meeting my needs, and often providing answers to my questions before I asked. It was a truly amazing time. I could go on and on with examples of "All I have needed Thy hand hath provided..."

Life continued to move forward. Times of growth and refinement. Times of rest. Valleys and Mountain tops. Always, Him with me, whether I noticed at the time or not. Not too long ago, we headed into another "growth spurt". I resisted, and learned of His patience. It was following that experience, that I named my blog...though it was a month or so later that I ever considered blogging.

He was leading me to another valley. More learning. More examining my heart. I was tired. I didn't want to grow right then. He spoke, I ignored. I kept busy doing nothing so I didn't have to hear... or so I thought. At the end of a very long weekend of me turning away, I sat on my bed, exhausted. It was if He said "Are you done yet?" Surprised, I said aloud, "My God.... You are stalking me!" And then, I sighed, lowered my head and said "yes... I'm done. Where are we going?"

Day after day, month after month, year after year. There He is. Beside me. With me. Whether I am interpreting on the stage, or sitting to write my blog. So long as my heart is open and my eyes are fixed on Him, I am aware of His presence. When I look away, He is still there. Patiently encouraging me to turn toward Him. It is as we had just sung: "I turn to You and You are always there". That has been my experience.

THERE is my Joy. God working in my life. Valleys. Mountain tops. Doesn't matter. Focusing on Him - be it blogging, interpreting, parenting. Doesn't matter. My favorite sign -"God-connect" - is what matters. THERE is my Joy.

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11 NIV