Sing a Song of Hope....

Moments like these help me to believe that God is truly involved and active in our lives - whether we chose to believe it, or take time to notice, or not.

I was driving home from a meeting at work, heading up the interstate for an evening at the church. To my left, I noticed a very pale "sun dog" with and even paler rainbow to it's right.

The weather here has been mostly rainy with a few spots of sun thrown in to keep us all from going completely mad! The part of road I was driving, was dry, but I could see the clouds ahead of me, and could tell that there was rain not too far off. Yet, strangely enough, there was also a patch of deep blue sky.

I smiled at the color in the sky - the sun dog especially - and assessed the merging traffic. My children call them "God's eyes" and when they see them, they say, "God is looking at you!!"

With that in mind, I was just driving along, listening to the radio, asking for blog inspiration.

"What would you have me write about tonight?" I asked aloud. My mind started wandering with my heart not too far behind, looking at clouds, and thinking of such vague things as "life" and "purpose" and "small, small me, big, big world, bigger, bigger God"

I followed the road as it headed northwest, and glanced ahead of me. There it was! Bright, beautiful, breath-taking! I reached for my cell phone and snapped this picture. As you can imagine, the picture doesn't do it justice. The colors were brilliant - each stripe of the rainbow clearly defined. (Seriously, if I'd had my camera with me, I WOULD have stopped!)

As I took in a breath, the lyrics on the radio caught my attention....

".....You brighten up the sky..."

"OK, Lord...I am LISTEN-ING!"

Right on cue, it continued:

"I will sing a song of hope, sing along,
God of Heaven come down...."

I reached for a pencil and the envelope sitting beside me. I started jotting down the words of the song that really spoke to me.

".... calling me Your friend...."

"...I will sing a song of hope, sing along,
God of Heaven come down...
Just to know You and be loved is enough..."

As the lyrics faded away, I wondered how I fare in that regard. The ever present heart analysis began to kick in.

My song - my lifesong - would it be considered "a song of hope"? I'll have to pay attention...

"God of Heaven come down...."

Hosanna in the Highest....

I am currently being "stalked" by a song. More specifically, the words of Hillsong United's Hosanna are running through my head - probably, most likely, with assistance of "repeat play" on iTunes.

It is a song that touched my heart the first time I heard it. It moved me to tears during band rehearsal. It was brought to the forefront of my mind as it returns to our worship set.

The thing that is interesting to me is that I am aware of a different line calling me this time around. Last time "We're on our knees...." is what struck me. Today, "Heal my heart and make it clean...."

Life changes, I suppose. We move forward.

Today, I ask, "Heal my heart and make it clean...." again and again and again.

Hosanna! Hosanna! Hosanna in the highest!

Selling the Past...

I love itunes. I am the person who buys an entire CD for a single song. The fact that I now have the ability to download that single song to my ipod (read: No CD storage required!), I am over the moon!

But, as I have been decluttering my life, I have come upon the stack of old CD's. At first, I discounted the pile, knowing that I'd been through it before. Those I didn't want, I had taken to the "get cash for your old CD's" store.

Then, the internal dialogue started:

"But, you haven't listened to most of them in more then a year - or TWO even!"

"Yes, but those songs all have meaning to me...."

"Get it at itunes if you decide you want to listen to it again...."

"But, I already HAVE it...."

I thought briefly of downloading the one song from all those CD's onto my computer, ... (one day, of course - it's a low-priority item in the schedule)

But, then the voice of reality hit - I know how strongly I attach to, and am moved by music and lyrics and all. The (not-so) Gentle Voice Within said, "Do you really want to go back there? REALLY? REALLY??!!"

Of course the answer was "No, I don't."

So, through the pile I sorted. A few, where I enjoy the entire disc, or the memories are of sweet, tender, peaceful times, I saved. The rest, I transferred to another stack: Half.com

Now, I get busy. Hoping the old saying that "One (wo)man's trash is another (wo)man's treasure" rings true.

I've got a really cute silk dress going on ebay as well... : )

The Song Remembers When...

It was the night before the 2:42 service. I was having a child-free Saturday evening... at the mall. I hate the mall. Too many people. Too much stuff. Too much potential to spend money. But, I needed to return some things my kids had received for Christmas, so I popped my earbuds in and headed into the crowd. (Saturday night, WHAT was I thinking?!)

I hadn't had time to move the music I needed to learn (in ASL) to the top of my ipod playlist, so as I was walking, I was playing through, searching for the appropriate songs. My pace quickened and slowed with the tempo. From time to time, a one-handed "hallelujah" or "thank You", "King" or "Lord" would spontaneously come forth.

My ipod shuffle is filled with the songs that I have interpreted at church over the past several months. Song after song played. As I listened, I could see the signs in my mind's eye. More often than not, an event, or a lesson, or a blessing had been associated with the song in my heart and in my mind. I remembered back through the months - the journey that I have been on with God.

The first song I ever interpreted came on. I was taken back to the very first time I stood before my congregation. I remembered standing there, hoping my hands would work, and my legs would hold me. Then, suddenly, I was calm. "Perfect" came off my teachers hands as I returned to my seat. It was surreal. I could barely believe what had happened. Me. Up there. Signing. No way.

I continued to listen, and remember, returning to those moments when God had spoken to me, through the words of the songs - sometimes at home, often on the stage.

I wiped the tears running down my face as it hit me how blessed I have been being a part of this deaf ministry. Yes, the people I have met have been great, and I love them dearly, but the time with God is beyond compare.

Thank You, thank You, thank You...

You Will Be Safe....

I spent some time recently with an friend, discussing the ins and outs of personal growth. The process - the PAIN of the process. The fear that accompanies it. The physical, mental and emotional exhaustion - and then the clarity and peace - that follows. We both know that the only way through it, is through it. We long for the light at the end of the darkness, and we trust the process - and God's presence in the MIDST of it...even if He may seem very far away at the time.

What was interesting to me throughout our conversation, was the radio. As the topic would take on a particular focus, there would be song playing that addressed it. The topic would shift a little, and so would the song. It was a very real reminder to me that YES! God is present in the midst of it all. Standing right beside us -surrounding us actually- and our discussion.

I am grateful for friends like these. This day, it was her journey we were discussing. Another day, it will be mine. It is an honor to stand beside someone in the midst of their pain. I can't "fix" it for her, I know - just as no one can walk through my process but me. But I do know how it has been for me to have someone standing beside me as I do.

As I was reflecting on some of the things we said - since there always seem to be tidbits for me as well - this song came on:

Clouds will rage in
Storms will race in
But you will be safe in my arms
Rains will pour down
Waves will crash around
But you will be safe in my arms

I just smiled and smiled, closed my eyes and said "Thank You, God". Clouds WILL rage in, and storms WILL race in. Rains WILL pour down, and waves WILL crash around. And in the middle of all of that, I may feel like I am drowning, and I'll never make it. But I truly do believe...

I WILL be safe in His arms.

So will you, my friend....

Empty me....

There are days when I have no idea of what I will write. Sometimes I sit and stare at the computer screen. Other days, I start writing and end up with a few "drafts" that go nowhere but into a "drafts" folder. Other days, like today, I go on with life and see where it leads....

As I sat snuggling my daughter on my lap, a song came on her radio: "Empty Me". The chorus (below) is very similar to my Sunday morning prayer. As I kneel before the cross on the mornings when I will interpret, the same prayer comes off of my hands: "Open my heart. Take my Self out. You come in"

Today, I particularly like the phrase "And any foolish thing my heart holds to". As I see the signs I would use to interpret that phrase flash through my mind, I am brought to a song that I will interpret this week. "Take my Love"

In a nutshell, it's a song about trying to disconnect from the love of worldly things... or as stated in the song I heard while snuggling my girl, "any foolish thing my heart holds to".

Take my love away.... Empty me...

Open my heart, take my Self out, and You come in...


"Empty me of the selfishness inside
Every vain ambition and the poison of my pride
And any foolish thing my heart holds to
Lord empty me of me so I can be filled with you."

The Song Remembers When...

It was her 26th birthday, and we went out singing....Karoake. Been a long, LONG time since I've done that. I sing to myself in the shower, at home, in the car. I sing to my kids. I sing as part of my church body, when I am not interpreting. But, publicly... uhm... not so much.

Some of the songs I knew, many I didn't. Some were well done, others, well....lets just say I made a comment about how pleased I was to have the "closed captioning" for those I couldn't understand. I enjoyed an evening of being with friends, and was also reminded of the influence music has in my life.

I am frequently aware of how it moves me in the present - I witness that every week, often daily, as the lyrics and melodies speak to me, calm me, focus my attention in a certain direction. But, I'd forgotten how vividly the past can be tied to a song as well. That night, there were a few from my junior high years - one in particular reminding me of the awkwardness of adolescence. (Agh!) And then, there was one, from MY 26th year.

I was in a different place in life - literally and figuratively. I was living in a different state, and certainly didn't have much "God-connect", then. Aside from a few moments of solitude and some 'soul-searching' in my journal, there was no structured time for God. What relationship I did have was haphazard at best - consisting solely of those moments where He would act so intently that He'd grab my attention...momentarily.

I had much "world-connect"...and a fair bit of drama.

Retrospectively, yes, I am sure God was "stalking" me then - and He definitely had my back. I'm sure I walked away mid-conversation more than once or twice, totally oblivious to what was going on. But, we live and we learn. And God loves and forgives us as we do. And patiently encourages us to seek Him.

Continually, He reaches for me, arms extended. What happens next is up to me. Do I reach back, or walk away? Do I listen and accept what is offered, or do I continue "my way" and see what I can come up with? I have done both. I don't have to tell you which is 'easier' - though it often doesn't seem that way at the time.

I am grateful for the reminders of where my life has been. Grateful for some perspective on the past and the path I have traveled. Every step I have taken has brought me to this moment, right now. God truly has blessed the broken road...

Did I make some choices that led to difficult terrain? Yes, absolutely. But, in the midst of it all, God was always with me. My awareness - or lack there of - had no bearing on His presence. He was there, I just couldn't see. Or wouldn't.

Thank You God for music - for the way You use it in my life: to speak to me in the present, and remind me of the past.

And thank You for the gentle reminders of where my life could be if I were to walk away from You.

Shifting the focus

I was feeling particularly unprepared to interpret. But, there I was, standing on the stage, struggling through, feeling completely inept and unqualified for the task at hand (no pun intended!)

Then, my focus shifts to the boy in the front row - to the Joy in my son, as he dances before God..... or perhaps it was the embarrassment, as he boogied up onto the stage to hug my left leg.

Either way, I noticed: When I shifted the focus off of my self - off of my own insecurities in my abilities, the signs come off my hands without a problem....

Thinking back to this day - which occurred over the summer- is a good reminder for me today. Sunday is quickly approaching, and I have no idea what the music will be. Talking about feeling "particularly unprepared to interpret". Usually, I have had a few days to review the music, and get it "into my body" and the lyrics onto my hands. Doesn't appear like that will occur this week.

Oh - did I mention that this week there is also a children's program, and they'll be rehearsing when the band usually does.

And, did I also mention that my mother is here from out of town. She's never seen me interpret before.... oh... no pressure...

I will say, though, I am pleased to realize that my first instinct is NOT to just dump it into the other interpreter's - the real interpreter's - lap. My first instinct is to pray over and over again, that there will be some music I *do* know.... and mostly, that I will be able to remove my Self from the equation, and fully rely on God.

Help me to remember... it's so not about me and what I can or cannot do....

It's all about You...

In God We Trust.....Hallelujah!

It's Saturday night, following a busy week. I am acutely aware that I will be interpreting the music at church Sunday morning. I am also very aware that I have not 'connected' with the music this week. It has been difficult to focus on the task at hand. Over and over, I play the music, hoping it will move into my body - take residence on my hands. Nothing yet... I don't even find myself singing along... uh-oh! That's NEVER good...

And as I begin writing, the music changes.... "I'll be by your side, where ever you fall, in the dead of night, whenever you call.... please don't fight these hands that are holding you".... (funny - THAT song, I connect with!)

It's a timely reminder of what I've been thinking all evening. "I'm really going to have to trust God in this..." (Seems to be a theme lately, so why not in my interpreting as well, right? Exactly.) I will definitely have to practice complete and total trust in God tomorrow as I stand before the congregation. It is only by depending on Him that these signs will flow of my hands. My willingness, His grace.

The other thing that I am acutely aware of: There are a plethora of "Hallelujah"s in the music this week... I will sign the word "Hallelujah" no less than 28 times. Twenty-eight times... (maybe it's important and I should pay attention!)

And now, with a little different perspective (as I write, listen to the music, and count the "halleljuah"s), I focus more on the lyrics. I am made aware of some of other phrases I will be signing:

"I don't care what the world throws at me now, I'm gonna be alright" Ain't THAT the truth!! Whatever happens, I'm gonna be alright. Stuff is just stuff. He has always been faithful. His hands have always held me - even when I've been fighting.

"The only things that satisfy come from You". True sweetness in those lines. And a good reminder these days. If it doesn't come from Him, it's not worth chasing... it won't truly satisfy.

And, the very last musical line that I will sign is "He will respond"

Shaking my head, I am in awe. I sat down to blog with no idea where this would go - nothing but "oh boy, tomorrow's signing is really going to suck" going through my head. (THAT didn't seem like such a good topic) But, as I listen to the chosen music (again!), and read the words on the page, He speaks to me... "He will respond"... He DID respond....

"Now all that I can say is Hallelujah!" and Amen.

.... in the words of a song.

People say they admire me for being able to stand up and interpret the music at church. I remind them that "all I am is willing". What happens up there is all God. "You're so brave to stand in front of all those people", they say. "What people?"I ask. I know she means the congregation, but most times, standing up there, in that anointed spot, there are no people - it is just God and me.

Now, sure, yes, I do put in effort. I collect the music ahead of time, and translate and review it with my mentor, my "teacher". I do listen to the music (again and again) until it is in my body, and the signs on my hands. Some week I am more prepared than others...

... and some weeks I am more prepared for the response than others. Invariably, there is a song, or a phrase that "gets me". Brings me to my knees - sometimes literally. Almost always, there is one that moves me to tears. It touches my heart (or convicts me!) in such a profound way. I am overwhelmed by the feelings that accompany the phrase: "Let mercy fall on me". I can feel it - and it does - as the sign "mercy" comes toward me again and again. The same with Grace, pouring down upon me. And Love. And "God-connect". Truly powerful images to be a part of.

God has always "stalked" me through music. This is no exception. The difference with interpreting is, I am participating with the entirety of my body... not just my ears or my voice. I "praise", I "surrender", I "cry out" and I "control-disconnect" whole-heartedly. It also makes me think twice about picking back up something I've "laid at His feet".

And then, there is the aftermath. The days following a worship service I've participated in interpreting. Something happens. I am changed by it. I can't stand up before God and everyone, whole-heartedly sign, "Oh, come, my God, and break me..." and not expect SOMETHING to happen. It is prayer. It is worship. It is exciting and it is very, very scary.

It helps me to trust. It allows me to become willing when that's not my first instinct. It gives me an opportunity to be "bold" in my faith.

I consider myself very, very blessed to be a part of it.

Beauty for Ashes

It was during a period of time when God was actively working on healing my heart that I first heard the song by Shane Barnard, "Beauty for Ashes". "How perfect", I thought - that had become somewhat of a "catch phrase" in my life - a recurrent theme, for sure!

Time after time, when I thought no possible good could come from the ashes that surrounded me, I was amazed and awed at how God restored beauty. The times when I thought my pain and mourning would never end, I found Joy. My burdens were lifted and became reasons to praise!

I picked up the lyric sheet, and sat down with my interpreting mentor. We would sit and translate the English to ASL - American Sign Language. Then I'd go home and practice before the worship service on Sunday morning. I started to read:

"Beauty for Ashes.... a garment of praise for my heaviness..."

Hmmm... "What does it mean?" she asked me. "Well, my "heaviness" is my burdens... they become praise." I said, cautiously. "Exactly," she said. I jotted that down, so I'd remember.

The next line stopped me in my tracks:

"Beauty for Ashes.... take this heart of stone, and make it Yours."

Heart of *stone*? Ouch. Conviction there. I had just finished reading the book "Redeeming Love" by Francine Rivers. Although my life had been very different from the main character, Angel - a prostitute - I could identify the same wall of protection she had constructed around her heart, surrounding mine. A "heart of stone". It was at this point I began to fear this song, just a little. I knew it was going to speak to me powerfully, and perhaps be (somewhat) life-changing.



"Trading all that I am for all that is better."


Oh! WOW!! What a great line. Let's see in ASL, I would sign "All-of-me surrender. Grace pour-down-on-me". Little did I know how those gentle sweeping motions would make my heart pause, and tears stream down my face.

I found that out (repeatedly) in the privacy of my own home.... and again at the rehearsal Sunday morning....and again during the worship service itself.

Wiping the tears from my eyes, I realized: this song had changed me. Standing in our anointed place, at the corner of the stage, offering up my prayer - with voice and hands and soul - had changed me. "Take this heart of stone, and make it Yours". The "walls of protection", now cracked and crumbling, left me feeling exposed and vulnerable. Yet, I knew, the mourning would turn to Joy, and the burdens to praise.

Even now, when I hear that song, my heart aches. It pauses and longs for the signs to come forth - "Surrender", and "Grace" and "Connect-my-heart-to-God". My heart knows what it wants - what it needs. "Surrender". "Grace". "Connect-my-heart-to-God"

Beauty for Ashes,... again, and again, and again....

Thank You, God...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"To appoint unto them that mourn in Zion, to give unto them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; that they might be called trees of righteousness, the planting of the Lord, that he might be glorified."—Isaiah 61:3

One Way...

So... a lesson in humility today. There is always, always something I learn in service to God. For me, this is especially true in the world of interpreting. There is just something about standing up there, in our spot, worshiping before God and the congregation that is very powerful. There is something about that 'spot'... but perhaps more importantly, there is often something that happens, standing up there, that is very convicting - or moves my heart- in some way or another.

When I have time during the week, I like to bring the music - on my ipod - to the church. If I'm fortunate, and the church is open, I practice on our 'spot'. If not, just being on the grounds is helpful.... beautiful and peaceful, too, which is a bonus! For some reason, the songs get "tweaked" a little easier there than they do at home.

This was not one of those weeks. As a matter of fact, I didn't feel like I had much time at all to focus on the music. I had met with my mentor, and we had translated the songs, but I hadn't had much time to work through them. Most weeks, they're pretty much on my hands by Sunday morning. Not this week.

This week was an exception. I got to the church early, some quiet time with God to review the music on the grounds before the band arrived. Four of the five songs were OK. But one - the second one - I just couldn't get my hands around.

Before rehearsal, as the band was setting up, I was in our 'spot', going over the song again. "One Way.... Jesus..." OK... so I had the chorus. That was a start. Then I focused on the verses. "My life control surrender..." OK... got that... the next line, OK.... then the fumbling came. I looked at what we had written on the paper. Then I looked up at the air vents, where you'd think God lived by the way we focus there. It's there that we look when we're "search"-ing for Him, or "praise"-ing Him. There I look and sign "Help me". Then close my eyes to listen. I restart the ipod. OH... OK... there's another way to sign that phrase that my hands can grasp. Good. Turning back to God-in-the-air-vents, I sign "thank you!"

The next phrase that my hands stumble upon, I glance up. Yes! Ok... that works. On and on through the song we work. I cross out what I had written down previously, and write these new sign-words.

Stepping away from the music stand, I restart the song. First verse - OK, my hands can do that (can't remember the lyrics exactly, but I know if I can hear them and trust God, it will be OK). Then, the chorus comes... "One Way, Jesus. You're the only one that I could live for..." Then, I laugh... and cry. (and sign "guilty" - convicted!)

The man in the "crows nest" mixing the music notices. When I've finished the song, he gestures "You OK" and "tears".... I laugh and sign to him. "Yes. Realized trying to sign MY way..."

For what it's worth, it wasn't perfect. But I made it through it. It was also a wonderful reminder to me, and a good opportunity to let go of "MY way" and try His...

Returning to My "Shack"

Well, the day has arrived. The day I return to Montgomery Bell State Park - to the chapel - to my "shack". My wish for the sun on my shoulders and the breeze on my face has been granted. It is a beautiful, cloudless day, with just a hint of autumn in the air.

I start my Wednesday morning as I usually do: with a Mothers' prayer group - our focus, the students, teachers, and administration of the elementary and middle schools our children attend. We have a long list to pray for today. With the last "Amen", my focus changes. It's time to go... really time to go.

My backpack is packed - ipod, camera, journal, a couple of bottles of water. In the car already are my bible, study book and hiking boots. And a box of Kleenex, can't forget the Kleenex! In my pocket are a couple of dollars and some rings that say "Courage", "Strength", "Wisdom". Figure I could use all of those today.

I hug my prayer partners. They wish me well, and I head to my bedroom to grab my backpack and slip on my flip-flops. As I turn to leave, my computer "bleeps". Incoming email. Compulsive reader that I am, I turn, wiggle the mouse to remove the screen saver, and see into which folder this email has landed. "Inbox". It is from my new friend - that I've never met - "I'll be thinking of you all day", she says. I smile to myself and feel such gratitude for all the people who support me - in my daily life and in this endeavor.

In the car - my clean, clean car - I place my ipod onto the external speaker system and press play. The music starts and I fasten my seat belt. My ipod contains all the worship music I have interpreted in the past few months. 56 song, 4 hours of playing time. That ought to be enough. A deep breath, and I'm on my way.

I've decided to plan my route so I pass the "womb house". It's essentially on the way, and it will allow me to meander the winding country roads between here and the park, rather than taking the interstate. Any chance I get, I'll take the winding country roads!

I drive along, the song changes. I laugh out loud. Yes, I brought my contact lens case, but I did not bring my glasses. I didn't expect to need them... already!! The words to "Amazing Grace" come out of the speakers, and the tears stream down my face. Ah... another set of contact lenses ruined to tear proteins.

Onto Chapmansboro Road, I turn. Ahead, on the right is the "womb house". I slow down. If I'm going too fast I'll miss it. As it is, without pulling all the way into the driveway, all I will be able to glimpse is the point of the roof and the attic windows. There it is. New mailbox, but the same marker in the ground, which reads "Clement". Apparently three other sets of homeowners also failed to remove the name of the original owner.

On the left is the trail head: "Sycamore Creek" it reads. Day after day, I walked there. Has it really been fifteen years? I do the math in my head. Yes. Fifteen years since I purchased that house and the land. Fifteen years since I was met on that trail. Fifteen years since I've reconnected with God. It was definitely in its infancy then, but it was there on the trail we met.

I pass the motel at the end of my (old) road, and bypass "downtown" via a street that didn't exist then. Now, I'm hoping and trusting my memory will serve me as I continue down the winding country roads to the park. Just in case, I flip on the GPS.

I'm thirty minutes into the hour drive. The songs have change numerous times, and I have been singing nearly the whole way. Occasionally, I must stop when I'm too choked up to continue. But, when I do, the visions of the signs continue in my head. I know these songs. Many of them have touched me deeply from week to week. Many of them have made lasting impressions on my heart.

Finally, the green of the park is visible on the GPS. "YES!" I'm nearly there. The final turn onto highway 70. A few miles more, I'm in the park. Past the welcome center and up the hill, around the campground and down the road marked "Historic Church", I go.

There it is. My car is the only one in the parking lot. "YES!" I was hoping not to have an audience for this adventure! I pull into the parking space, remove my ipod from the speaker, clip it onto my beltloop and look out the passenger window. Another car has pulled in beside me. "Can You help me here?" I say aloud as I glance upward.

I head to the restroom, as the woman in the other car walks down the trail - right past the church. "Thank you, God!"

Through the lens of my camera, I can remain detached. I see the beauty of the stone and the stained glass. When I was here last, the dogwoods were in bloom, as were the redbuds. It was spring. April, 1999. I pass through the iron gate, and walk up the road toward the church. A few more pictures. A few more moments of being detached.

I walk up the path toward the entry. There is a notice of reservation: The church is being used for a wedding - tomorrow. I slide off my flip-flops, set them to the side in the alcove. Reaching out to the door, it opens easily. I step inside....

"All I have needed, Thy hands hath provided...."

"Here", she says as she hands me the CD. "Track two. It'll make you cry."

I pop the CD into the player and begin to listen, as she heads to get the music to review. She is right. As the music begins, the tears fall. "Great is Thy faithfulness, Oh God, my Father..." When she returns, I say "I want this played at my funeral". "NO!" she says. "This is your LIFE song." Again, she is right. She knows me too well.

I think back through the years... "... all I have needed, Thy hands hath provided...." It's true. Even before I was aware of the pain, the sorrow, the needs... they were met. Through my darkest moments, I was never alone.

"Great is Thy Faithfulness, Lord unto me". My LIFE song. Thank you God.