Heart vs. Head

My heart and my head are trying to agree and thus far, the only thing they can find agreement with is one thing.

Both are grateful that I have several wise Christian women with whom I can discuss matters like these. Perspective, clarity, discernment and wise counsel. I am blessed to be in community with such women. I know, simply by that fact, I am more fortunate than many.

Now.... to find the time to do just that.

Until then, I will err on the side of love.... and breathe.....

Feeling My Age

These past few days, I have really been feeling my age...

It's not that I've passed my 40th birthday (a few years ago!), and it's not the bifocal contact lenses. It's not the occasional pain in my knee nor the handful of pills I swallow every morning... they're vitamins.... It's not that my kids are growing faster than I can believe or that the new doctors at the hospital were all born after I graduated high school.... No... it's not that.

The thing is.... I worked this past weekend - on the night shift. Friday and Saturday night. Sunday morning, I stayed up - and awake! - through church. No big deal. I used to do it ALL the time when I worked straight night shift. Ending my stretch with a full 24+hours awake was my usual routine. But.... I was also in my 20's.

This time - I'm tired. Even a few days later, I'm tired. I slept well Sunday night, quick nap and felt pretty good on Monday. Tuesday, not so much.... Getting through the day was a chore, even after a L O N G nap. All day long, I wanted to crawl back into the bed - which, I'm sure the rain didn't help!

But, the thing is...

With age has come some wisdom, and with my 40's a sense of freedom. I tolerate imperfection a little more, and I am blessed to be able to fit a little nap in here and there. I've learned through trial and error (mostly error) - that if I'm tired, I really do need to rest.

It goes a long way - for my health, for my parenting skills, for my tolerance of the world around me, for my relationship with God.

"Sleep is a gift" we were told at church on Sunday - I think anyway ... I don't think it was my longing for the bed that put those words in my head. It was a gentle reminder toward self-care. For living the life God intended for us, and not being drawn in too many directions by the agenda of the world.

May I rest in You and feel renewed...

Mistaking the Urgent for the Important...

I was working on my bible study, when the question was asked, "How do we find a healthy balance between [tasks] and [relationships]?" It's times like these that I really appreciate the "voices in my head" - sometimes I feel a little crazy talking about them, but I do appreciate them! This voice comes from a woman who was more present in my life during a previous season. She would frequently remind me - and others in our group - "Don't mistake the urgent for the important!"

Her voice resounds in my head when I am faced with both a sink full of dirty dishes, and a little girl who wants to snuggle. "Don't mistake the urgent for the important!" The dishes are urgent - the sitter arrives in 15 minutes! I don't want the world to think I can't keep up with my dishes!

Honestly, I can't. Dishes and laundry - the bane of my existence! No sooner than I have them all clean, more are dirty! Same goes for the playroom. It's designated as such - and fortunately out of sight from the main living quarters! Periodically, I sort through and tidy up. Vacuum. But for the most part... it's a well-loved playroom.

Now, my daughter - she wants to snuggle. My boy wants to play cards or a new version of a search-for-hidden-objects computer game that he has. That is important. Those moments won't last - and if they are missed, I miss a great opportunity to nurture a relationship with my children.

One day, I said aloud. "The dishes - urgent. But you, Amelia, are important!" The grin the took over her face as I pulled her to my lap was unforgettable!

May I be given wisdom and eyes to see the important before me!

Walls...Prisons of our own Making

I have been witnessing and experiencing walls again lately.... my own, and those of others. Curiously enough, I find those two things go hand in hand. When the walls of others grab my attention, and start to annoy me, it's time to start focusing on what's being built around me.

Walls are fascinating obstacles to me. Erected to protect our Selves from perceived threats, they can quickly become a barrier to true relationships. Meant to contain our vulnerabilities, they easily become prisons to our hearts. Established to block out pain and suffering, they surround us in darkness, blocking out only the light.

I have seen walls elaborately created, and I have seen them more simply "functional" and crass. Mine is somewhere in the middle... and in various stages of construction and deconstruction.

When I originally built my wall, I didn't have the "God-connect" - the faith - that I do today. I was very Self-reliant: My way. My timing. My plans. I felt that I needed to protect my Self from everything that got in the way of My purpose. So, I tried.... really hard. It was exhausting and very, very isolating.

Fortunately, through the years - with much help of many people sent into my life at just the right time -I have been able to disassemble some of the most stifling parts. For not only did my wall keep others from intruding, it kept me from participating in my own life. In the same way I tried to prevent others from stifling me, I stifled myself.

Now, when I see - and bump into - walls of others, it brings me right back to the days when I was struggling behind my own wall. Looking back, I can see the people who stood outside, quietly waiting for an opportunity: to speak the truth, to toss a flower, or to extend a hand. Standing beside me, loving me, and slowly earning my trust.

There are some days when I am patient, able to sit quietly, gently speak, toss a flower or extend a hand. And then, there are other days when I just want to pound on them and say "DON'T YOU SEE? This is NOT HELPING!!"

There have been times in the past, where I have done exactly that. Times when I have knocked so loudly, the stones rattled. It didn't help. Not one bit. It wasn't loving, and it didn't earn trust.

Yet there are still days when I feel that way. I want to shake and shout, "I KNOW you've been hurt....", "I KNOW you've been abandoned....", "I KNOW you're scared". "COME OUT!" "RISK IT!!"

Instead I cry out to God, "TELL me... SHOW me... what do I do...?" This past fall, when I did just that, I was reminded again of the book: The Wall: a parable.

I'd read it in years past... but in the present reading, I see clearly the God-imagery. Those willing to speak the truth in ways that it can be heard. Those willing to stand quietly by. Those willing to toss a flower of hope. Lend a hand of encouragement. Simply love. All of them waiting for the direction of His timing.

I am reminded again, of how God continues to bring people into my life that do all of these things for me....and for my wall. To continue the dismantling process. To help identify those stones that still trip me up, and point me in the right direction.

He continues to send people I can discuss with, pray with, laugh with, cry with.... Those who encourage me to stand quietly, and speak gently, rather than shake wildly and confront in a full-fledged assault.

And, He sends those with walls for me to practice. Standing patiently. Speaking gently. Waiting for His words and His timing.

Thank you for those You have sent to me.

May I listen. May I follow Your lead.

A Child's View

I know why Jesus loves the little children, so! (Especially if He could return them to their mothers!)

I had the honor of the presence of a 3 year old today (...and her nearly 6 hr old brother). She was playing with my advent calendar, moving the snowflake from pocket to pocket, touching each picture on the dated stockings.

I pointed to the space where 25 would be and asked her "do you know what is here?" She shrugged. "Baby Jesus' birthday," I said. She looked back and put her tiny finger next to mine. "Baby Jesus' birthday," she repeated.

I love to hear kids perceptions and understandings, so I asked: "What do you know about Baby Jesus?"

She looked me dead in the eye and said:

"Jesus loves me".

'nuf said

Hope Never Ends

Hope is the most incredible thing. Words fail me, when I try to describe it. There is just something about it - all-encompassing. Empowering. Contagious.

Yet, sometimes it feels like there is no hope. I remember feeling that way many years ago. One of the women that God had brought into my life shared something that I will always remember. On a bookmark she had made me for Christmas, she had written:

"Hope never ends... It is renewed over and over again, as we continue to risk to be honest"

I thought about that for a while. "Hope never ends..." It's always there. Hmmm... Like God. And, like God, the days that I don't feel hopeful, are the days that I've turned my back to hope, focusing solely on the world and on my troubles.

And then I read the rest of it. "It is renewed over and over again, as we continue to risk to be honest." Risking to be honest. Wow. Ain't THAT the truth. It is a risk to be honest, some days - to walk in the Truth. The Truth and the world are often polar opposites. And choosing Truth sometimes seems like choosing a heap of trouble... or at least some hard, hard work.

But I do agree... the times that I have risked to be honest, are the times that I have felt a renewal of hope. The days where I have taken off the robe of expectation and the mask of superficial "nice-nice" and stepped into the Truth - however ugly and messy it may be - were the days when the gloom and despair went away.

Overpowered by Truth, the secrets and darkness had no place. Captive no longer, all I could see is Hope.

The Truth always comes to the Light. And in the Light is Hope. And Life. And God.

Hope, like Love, never ends....

Just Because I Can....

I was thinking today at work of all the times I've wanted to tell my patients - or my children - "Just because you CAN doesn't mean you SHOULD"... I mean, just because you CAN be pulled behind a pickup truck in an office chair during a snowstorm, doesn't mean you SHOULD... Just because I CAN max out my credit card doesn't mean I SHOULD... The examples of such irresponsibility are endless.

Well... the flip side never occurred to me, until tonight... I was at the grocery store, doing one of the tasks on the never-ending to-do list. I was walking through Wal*mart, with my ipod in my ears - music to interpret for church playing. I still hadn't really prepared for it - though most of the songs I know. My mentor had said that I could hand a song or two to her if I needed to. I thought to myself, "Oh, I can do it...." as I mentally tried to calculate the time I'd need to set my alarm clock in the morning to allow time to do the things I'd need to do to do it.

And then, clear as day, I hear the words I'd spoken earlier in the day: "Just because you CAN, doesn't mean you SHOULD". I thought about that for a while. Hmmm... Guilty as charged.

Just because I CAN do something by myself doesn't mean I SHOULD. Just because I CAN care for two infants by myself doesn't mean I SHOULD. Just because I CAN stay up and tick off the items on the to do list one by one, doesn't mean I SHOULD...

Lord, help me to know when I SHOULD... and perhaps, more importantly, help me to know when I should allow others to help me.

We Are Not Alone...

It's funny where the reminders come from. This week, it was Grey's Anatomy that sent the reminder: "We are not alone".

That truth has been a constant for me... no matter what is going on. No matter how dark the night seems, or how alone I feel - I've never been alone. Ever.

I've found comfort in that these past few weeks. The days when I'm not quite sure what is "going on", I find myself singing the words "Be near, oh God..." I know, as I continue to walk, as long as I listen and wait for His direction, I will be led.

"Be near, oh God"....

May I feel your presence, as I wait for You to make clear the path ahead.

Strength, Wisdom, Courage

I was playing around with my camera last night. The ladybug on my bathroom sink caught my attention, and I began taking some pictures. Ladybug here, ladybug there...

Then, I remembered the rings. I knew from the moment I put them in my pocket the morning I returned to my "shack", that I would photograph them one day. Three rings, labeled: "Strength", "Wisdom" and "Courage".

Three simple words. Three things that I pray for... again and again... It wasn't until I stacked them on top of each other that I realized how well they compliment each other.

And it wasn't until right now that I realized how differently I define them these days....through the lens of my God-connection, and not the world's view.

Strength,to me, is more than being physically strong. The strength that I refer to, and pray for, is the inner fortitude to stand steadfast in the midst of a storm. To stay focused on the Truth while lies and deception swirl around, distract, and block the path.

With wisdom I know that I can not muster up sustained - or sustaining - strength on my own accord. I may be able to "white knuckle" it for a while, but if it is going to be true staying power - that kind of strength comes to me from God. Wisdom also shows me that sometimes, it takes much more strength to let go, than to hold on tightly for all I'm worth.

Ah, the glorious paradox of wisdom! Encompassing more than mere intelligence, wisdom has an element of experience, and God-given discernment. It is more than knowing that 1+1+1 = 3. Sometimes - depending on what you are adding - it is a big mess. Since life is so much more than the sum of it's parts, it involves a deeper "knowing" than the quick assessment of the obvious.

The thing about wisdom... it often requires courage and strength to be heard... especially if it presents itself in the midst of a crisis, or the truth runs contrary to the prevailing cultural norms (or what I want to hear!).

Finally, courage. I've said before that courage is "fear that has said it's prayers". I used to wonder how people could do these amazingly brave things without fear. One day, I asked someone that very question. "Without fear?" she said, "I was scared to death!"

Courage is asking the question - even though I know I don't want to hear the answer. It is facing the difficult times, searching through the dark corners. It is speaking the unpopular truth, and holding up mirrors. And, sometimes, courage needs strength and wisdom to "Do it afraid".

And, while I know that I have not been given" a spirit of fear, but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind", it is the combination of Wisdom and Strength that remind me of my Courage..