The Speed of Time

The days and weeks are flying by. I can hardly believe it.

April arrives later this week, and Easter is Sunday. Lent is over - almost. Wow.

There is a definite warmth to the afternoons, and flowers and buds on many of the trees and bushes.

The grass has been mowed. All sure signs that Spring is coming QUICKLY if not already here.

There doesn't seem to be a way to slow it down. Though, for a moment, this afternoon, I did.

I sat and did nothing but breathe. OK, truth be told, I did throw a "Thank You" or two up to God for the sunshine, and a completed task, but aside from that, those moments were still.

And, yet, this evening, it has sped up again....

It's a crazy thing, time. Another something I don't totally understand.

I'm learning that there are many of those.... things I don't understand.

Now, to take a few more moments to do nothing but breathe....

He Knew....

I didn't think to much about it at first.

I was at karate and the instructor was talking about accuracy in strikes. My first thought was of David as a boy, landing the stone and slaying Goliath. He had God on his side. He knew it.

Two days later, still somewhat fuzzy-headed with sleep, the thought occurred to me...

God knew about Bathsheba when He landed that stone.

He knew about Uriah.

He knew the sin of the man and still allowed the boy to land the stone.

It's yet another something I can't completely wrap my brain around....

A Perfect Night

It is a perfect night.

Work was uneventful. The dog stayed within the fence. He and I have walked.

In the moments before I head off to sleep, I am sitting on the deck. The moon is nearly full. The clouds the pass by are backlit with it's yellow glow The breeze is still warm and carries the feel of an impending storm. My hair gets alternately blown into my face, and then brushed out of my eyes. Behind me is the sound of the spring peepers, and the smell of freshly mowed grass surrounds me.

So before I call it a night, I am taking a moment to enjoy what He has so greatly blessed me with.

Sights.

Sounds.

Peace.

Contentment.

Joy.

More and Less

More time counting my blessings means

Less time living in "victim"



More time stringing wire around the top of a fence means

Less time chasing a dog who has climbed the aforementioned fence.



More time enjoying the company of some girlfriends means

Less time to blog....



Have a wonderful, wonderful day.... :)

Balance

Little messages here and there keep popping up about balance. More. Less. Awake. Asleep. Service. Self-Care. Family time. Alone time.

I want to live intentionally. I don't want to be swept here and there by whatever comes to pass.

Opportunities keep popping up, and I must weigh the options. Is participating going to improve the quality of my life, or my connection with God. Is perhaps being involved going to minister to someone in some way? Is it the right thing to do?

Quite frequently, I'm finding the answer is "no".

I hear the garden calling - which is a definite "YES!" - so I must choose how to spend the remaining hours, in order to create some time to tend the earth.

As each situation arises, I must run it through the list of questions, to determine a yea or nay. Ultimately, the most crucial question must be answered: "Would You have me do it....?"

I don't want to go through the motions....

Bit by Bit...

I'm seeing slow progress on many fronts.

I am encouraged beyond belief.

Slow and steady wins the race.

And I can do all things through Him who strengthens me.

Let it be so.....

Location, Location, Location

I've already shared that I don't like change. I especially am not a fan of geographic change, though, somehow, I managed to leave New England through North Carolina and end up in Middle Tennessee.

I could never be a "traveling nurse". I like to have a home base. Preferably one where I can set down roots - literal and figurative.

At church, I prefer to sit in a certain location. When I've changed churches, I've continued to pick the same general geographic location. It was a big deal for me - as crazy as it sounds - when I joined the deaf ministry. It meant I would have to move from my preferred seating area.

I knew it would happen when I started karate. You see, the "new kid" lines up on the very end, on the right, in the back row. The problem is, I didn't expect another "new kid" so soon. Don't get me wrong, I'm glad she's here, but she's kinda in my spot.

So, challenged again, I have taken two steps to the left.

Yes, of course I'll get over it.... and perhaps I will even learn a little bit about my tendency to stay in one place.

Worry.... or not....

I got a phone call Monday afternoon. It was to let me know that I had a certified letter waiting for me at the post office. They had sent a second notice. I'd missed the first one because of spring break.

I didn't have time to pick up the notification slip and make it to the post office before they closed. I would have to wait. (I don't like to wait!)

In the back of my brain, I was pretty sure I knew who it was from. It went downhill from there. Briefly.

I wondered if they sent mail certified for all responses or just "bad news". ..

I spent some time wishing the office had called me earlier, but realized that was just wasted breath.

I swung by the office and picked up both notices. The first one confirmed my hunch about the sender.

I felt the knot in my stomach tighten a little more... And then I sort of shook my head and laughed at myself. The letter had been sitting there for a week, but this was the first time I had felt anxious about it's presence. I had been (somewhat patiently) awaiting it's arrival at home, forgetting they would reply to the business address.

I was reminded by a friend that it is temporal, not eternal, and not to sweat the small stuff. I also discovered that the lesson in my bible study (that I was to do) was about "peace", and God being bigger then all the small stuff in this world.... even the small stuff that is disguised as big stuff.

Their decision was made well over a week ago. I must wait another few hours. Worrying about the contents won't change them, nor will it change what must be done afterward, if anything.

I will wait and I will trust.

God is bigger than this.

And, it might.... MIGHT.... even be good news!

Matthew 6:34 (New International Version)

³⁴Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

We Have to Blog Now....

I have been enjoying the company of an old High School friend this weekend....

We've laughed, thumbed through the yearbook and shared pictures of our children. We've stayed up way too late...

... especially tonight, with school resuming in the morning.

So for now, I will leave you with a sense of the joy that has been this weekend....

It's been a gift! Thank You, God!

Nail Holes....

We've been talking again at karate about nail holes.

The nail hole story illustrates beautifully the power of words and their lingering effects. The word, when spoken leaves a mark, as the nail does after it's pounded into the wood. Even sincere apologies, which may have the power to remove the nail from the wood still leave a mark - a permanent indentation where they landed.

Driving home, I began thinking of the nails that have been sent my direction. Yes, I'm sure I have fired some off myself, and this illustration has renewed my resound to use my words wisely, but this night I was thinking of those coming toward me.

Some have been single shots, others have felt like they were being fired repeatedly from multi-loaded nail guns. Others feel like they have been pounded again and again, over and over, and have been deeply embedded

I wonder what my heart really looks like from this perspective. I am sure there are marks in various stages of healing. Some, I am sure have healed over pretty nicely, and others have left some lingering scars. I wonder how many nails remain, and how many are there that I haven't fully acknowledged, or have more healing to go that I am not aware of.

I then began to think about the healing process. Our instructor mentioned people trying to fix them with drugs and alcohol (and I would add a list of other addictive behaviors!). I would dare say those are anesthetics rather than cures. The problem is that anesthesia doesn't heal, but actually delays healing, as well as create a whole host of other problems.

Ignoring the wounds doesn't heal them, nor does picking at them repeatedly.

Time helps. Acknowledging their existence helps, and for me, some tears help.

But, I really don't think that *I* can heal my nail holes.....

Fortunately....

God can.

FIlling My "Soul-cup"

I am a visual and a kinesthetic learner. That is, I learn best by watching and by doing. Knowing that, I find it strangely amusing to even wonder that God speaks to me through American Sign Language.

At our bible study* this week, Angela Thomas was talking about the empty hole inside of each of us, and proceeded to give us a visual example. She had previously reminded us our our human tendency to fill that hole with things here on earth - relationships, children, stuff. She challenged us through her demonstration to reach our Soul-cup out to Jesus to fill.

She held an empty glass, and poured water from a pitcher. At first, she filled it only part way - just a taste, not the full experience. She encouraged us to STAY THERE, until our cups were filled..... and then literally running over.

As I was leaving - sitting quietly alone in my car - I tried it in ASL. "Soul" "cup" that I then reached out away from my body. It's powerful stuff. Just as signing "all-of-me surrender", or physically laying something down at the foot of the cross and taking a step away makes the urge to take it back a little harder to act on, holding out my "soul-cup" - literally, physically - makes that space within me a little less nagging.

May I reach my "Soul-cup" to You, and stay until my cup runneth over.



(*Living Your Life as a Beautiful Offering)

It's TODAY!

The day has FINALLY arrived. I have been waiting - somewhat patiently - for it to arrive. We've shared the countdown of days through texts and Facebook and FINALLY, it's here!

One of my friends from high school arrives this morning! We have been in touch off and on through the decades since we graduated. But, no matter where we leave off, or how much time has passed, we always manage to pick up right where we paused and move on!

We talked and dreamed about her coming to visit - and then Southwest Airlines had a sale (thank You, God!).

So, here is to friendship and truth; memories and forgiveness; late nights and southern spring days filled with conversation, laughter!

(can I go to the airport yet?)

Rest, Rabbit, Rest

I've never read the book, but I have a friend who refers to it - by title - every time I say I am "tired", or "worn out", or "exhausted".

"Rest, Rabbit, Rest", she says.

It's also something I've been hearing a lot when I look at my schedule at work. Periodically, we have some extra shifts that are available. When I can, I try to pick up a couple. (I've got this dream, you see, of being debt-free one day!)

But, these days, it's mostly on night shift. Nights would be one thing, if it were just me, but it's something TOTALLY different with a pair of kids who a) need childcare and b) aren't always the best in letting me rest before and after.

So, I consider it briefly, and hear "Rest, Rabbit, Rest". I also think to the number of times and places and through different sources and people I have heard lately: "slow down".

So, that's my goal, this spring-time. Slow down. Enjoy the weather, the yard, the kids. Be still. Dig in the dirt. Tend the earth.

Summer will be here before we know it, and I will have kid-free opportunities to work without ceasing.

Til then, I shall "Rest...."

Not Enough Words...

There are not enough words to describe how much I am loving karate. Oh, yes, there has been a moment in each class so far when I look around the room and wonder why we've all signed up to DO this, but it fades quickly.

I love the drills. I love to punch. I love the sore I feel afterward.

I love the fact that kids - who weren't even born the last time I did a push-up - are able to walk me through the drill that they have clearly mastered.

I love the stories about words being like nails driven into pieces of wood. Sure, they can be removed/taken back/apologized for/repented of, but the mark remains.

I love the fact that at least once throughout the class Philippians 4:13 comes to mind.

Caring for Our Own

I have been very, very fortunate. I have spent the past twenty-plus years in nursing. The vast majority, I have spent working in a Level One Trauma Center, on the trauma service.

Oh, trust me, I've seen it all... I've heard stories and seen injuries that you wouldn't believe if HIPPA laws would allow me to tell. But, I have never experienced what the staff in our Emergency Department experienced Monday morning. Thank You, God!

One of their own returned to their care.

Yes, I've cared for nurses and 'medics - even extricated a few from their vehicles in my EMS days. But never, ever one of my co-workers. Hospital employees and their families, yes. MY peers, no.

She finished her shift and was heading home. Not long after, she returned to the care of the doctors and nurses to whom she had just said good-bye. I have no doubt that they mounted a valiant fight, but apparently, God has other plans for her.

I know she will be long remembered and her signature fish with the words "Have a Blessed Day" will be etched on the hearts of many, as it was on the dry erase boards she came across.

I ask that you pray for the staff. And for her family.

Impatience....

I sat struggling with a blog topic. Nothing came to mind. Several friends sent suggestions.... nothing fit.

Besides, I was preparing to distract myself with a mindless game of... oh, gosh, what was it that I never got to play?

About the time it finished downloading, a friend text'd me to tell me about a show on TV. They were designing a room for a deaf man. His wife was interpreting. She thought I'd like to see it. I went up and managed to find the channel. (She was right.)

At the first commercial, I reached for the remote. Oh. Yeah. This is "live" TV. I can't forward through the commercials like I do when I watch my DVR'd episodes of Grey's and Private Practice.

Obviously, I don't typically watch "live" TV - and aside from the those two shows, I really don't watch ANY TV. But, midway through the first set of commercials, I realized it. Deep down. Undeniably. The angst I felt having to sit through the advertising proved it without a doubt.

I. Am. Inpatient.

My father would tell you he knew that from the day I was born (two weeks early). Growing up, he says I was always looking forward to the next thing....

I hope, perhaps, I am a LITTLE better about enjoying the moment..... perhaps. I know I have moments when I am...

I think that is what I love so much about tending the earth. There's no time line that is set in stone. There is a focus and a purpose. There is usually the sun on my back or the wind in my hair, and this weed, then the next and the next...

But, overall, big picture.... I'll have to ponder that... perhaps on a day when there are weeds to pull....

Lord, help me to be still enough to enjoy the moment. Remove the angst. Let me Be. Here. Now.

Spring Cleaning!

I have had the pleasure (seriously!) of doing a bit of Spring Cleaning. I wish it had been just a TAD bit warmer, so I could have opened the windows wide, but.... there will be time for that in the future.

I sorted through toy bins and dress up clothes, book cases and closets. Boxes and bags are in the process of being prepared for their destinations: friends, school, church yard sale, the dump. Dishes and clothes were washed, and except for the last loads, put away.

There are still some papers to file, surfaces to dust and corners to sweep... it is, of course, an ongoing process.

What I am most grateful for is a day to have the time to sort - to inventory - the "stuff" that surrounds me. It is as equally important as inventorying the "stuff" that is within me...

A Day of Rest....

It certainly was a day of rest.

I opted for a nap after the kids went to school. Between the rain and my boy, my sleep had been interrupted. So I lay down and enjoyed a rainy-day rest.

My arms ache from karate. I have given up on the ability to brush the hair behind my right ear for the time being. I trust that one day I will regain that skill. I figured some rest - especially if I could do so with my arms tightly flexed - to stretch my triceps - would help.

By the time I woke, the rain had stopped. The dog and I headed out for a walk. It was at that point that I realized I felt similarly to the day I ran the Music City 1/2 Marathon. I knew that after the race, I would be "useless" the rest of the day.

And so I planned the rest of my day accordingly. Yes, I ran an errand or two before picking the kids back up from school, but aside from that, it was a do nothing kinda day.

Fortunately, it was "movie night" at our house. A quiet evening of snuggling my boy.

Exactly what I needed.

Spring Break!!

WHOO HOOO!!!

It begins....

For my children, it begins after school. For me, it begins as soon as I drop them off at school.

I noticed the other day there is NOTHING on my schedule for today. NOTHING. Yes, I must admit, I did have some panic about the fact that PERHAPS there really is something important to do that I forgot to write down. But, if there is, I have NO IDEA what it may be.

So, I'm going with "nothing".

The REALLY crazy thing is that Saturday looks the same...

And, yes, I do have big plans for the day.... Some quiet time for me, some time with the kids in the evening, and a few things on the "Never-ending To Do List"

Ahhhhh.... Yes!

Thank You, God!!

Even This....

Driving home from Karate, I thought about the previous hour. I had endured what I thought I could not have. As we were practicing, two thoughts battled back and forth in my head:

"why would anyone DO this....... voluntarily?!"

"why did it take me so long to get here?"

As I turned down the main road, I thought, "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me..."

"....even this...." I said aloud.

It is definitely going to be a challenge. But I'm a girl who likes a challenge.

Now, whether I use my arms well enough to interpret on Sunday is yet to be seen.

But "even this", I will trust to His strength and ability!

A New Lesson Plan

I attended my first adult karate class. I am terribly excited to finally be beginning this journey. For months now, I have been waiting for the official "GO!" Taking the class required some schedule manipulations and my resignation from my yoga teaching gig. It also required a willingness on my part to change.

Finally, it's time. Driving there, I ask for God to speak clearly. I have this love/hate battle going on inside as I make that request. I long for that, and yet, I know nothing remains the same after He does speak. I have heard Him speak before, sitting at the sidelines, watching my son's karate class. I hope/fear that He will speak again as I begin this journey. Deep inside, if I'm really honest, I *know* that He will.

I've sat through many of my son's classes, so I know some of the drill. I know the "new kid" stands at the back, on the end. I know how to stand at attention and in rest stance, and I know which is appropriate at certain times.

What I didn't know is that I can do a push-up. Yes, it was a "girly" push-up. But it was a push-up. Actually, closer to thirty. Some just regular, some with a punch, some raising both hands off of the ground, some tapping the opposite shoulder.

What I didn't know is how differently it feels to recite the student creed, rather than just hearing it. Something hits deep inside saying "I AM a dedicated student..."

Bring it on, God...

"I AM a dedicated student...."

Oh What a Beautiful Morning....

... Oh what a beautiful day!!!!

It was amazing. God's perfection in a spring day. AND, I got to enjoy it. The dog and I walked, I dug in the dirt - got sun on my arms and my face...

It couldn't have been any more perfect.... not even if my house were clean!

Thank You God for such a beautiful, beautiful day!

You Know My Story....

Sunday morning I left church feeling like God had been poking around in my heart. I wasn't sure exactly what He had done, and honestly wasn't sure I was ready to. Part of me wished I had time to just sit and ponder it, but the other part of me was grateful I did not. There were clothes and toys to drop off at the consignment sale.

Still, part of my attention - as much as I could allow and still drive safely - was elsewhere. I had been thinking recently about new beginnings - a point that was emphasized in our Sunday sermon. I had been thinking specifically about a time in my life, which I considered "fun" (in a worldly sort of way), but certainly not "righteous", or God-centered living. And honestly, if I look at the whole of it, it wasn't "fun" at all. Just one little bit, through the lenses of memory could be classified that way.

Driving, I sat amazed at how much my life HAS changed in the past two decades. Day to day, I don't notice it so much, but put a little greater time perspective on it and WOW. I couldn't even TRY to go back to re-living my 20's.

Yet, still I focus on that "one little bit" of fun. Inside, I alternate between wishing for one more beautiful spring night with those friends, and feeling the need to stand before God in whole-hearted repentance. Not that it was BAD - especially not by the world's view. But, from God's perspective, I was toeing the line and flirting with disaster.

But, I digress...

I turned in the clothes and the toys, and headed back toward home.

My thoughts continued to be scattered.... jumping from thought to thought: Past. Present. Then. Now. Somehow, trying to bridge the pieces together - connect the dots - try to figure out how I got to my present life.

The words of a song grabbed my full attention: "You know my name, You know my story...." I don't know what the next line really says, but in my head I heard "You love me anyway..."

The next song was lost to my ponderings. No clear thoughts, just some settling of that concept into my being.

The song that followed began and the introductory music caused my heart to skip a beat. I hadn't yet cognitively identified the song, but when the words began, and I nodded, still waiting to see which lyrics jumped out to me.

Within the chorus was the phrase, "somehow my story is a part of your plan..." I smiled. "Here I am, Lord send me. All of my life, I'll make an offering...."

Which, coincidentally, ties into the bible study that has just begun: "Living your life as a Beautiful Offering".

Ah, the God-moment I'd been missing.... past, present, future... All connected. Through Him.

Taking a Day Off...

Actually, a few... but just one from the blog...

Sometimes things just have to give....

Next week, it looks like my overtime, but today it's writing...

Have a blessed day!

Consignment Tagging

I have spent the past day in "consignment tagging hell". I have placed an index card with my seller number, a description of the piece of clothing and a price on each outfit, shirt or pants.

I appreciate the ability to buy gently worn clothing for my children, and earn a little money from their clothing as well. I prefer to be a little further ahead in my tagging....

But, a blessing it is, for me an many, many others.

Thank you God for this opportunity.

And now I must return to the pile of shoes that are yet untagged......

Washed, White as Snow

I had been given the task of trying to improve the sign language interpretation of a song we sang last week, and will repeat this coming week.

It's one of those Olde English hymn-y things, but I agreed to give it a shot. I'd just finished writing yesterdays blog - saying stuff like there not being any "Big God Stuff" going on right now - and opened iTunes, and began to play the song.

"I heard my Savior say, 'Thy strength indeed is small...'..."

I just sat and listened.... and watched. It happens with me in music sometimes, rather than hearing the lyrics in my head, I see the sign. I watched some more.... oooh... Good stuff. My hands copied the images to help me remember.

"Jesus paid it all. All to Him, I owe"

I kept signing...

As the chorus continued, began extrapolating on the words. "What to they MEAN?" I've heard over and over.

"Sin had left a crimson stain, He washed it white as snow"

I lay down to try to sleep, and several things passed through my minds eye:

"Sin made me guilty. He forgives."

"Sin criticizes and condemns. He brings me back."

"Sin separates me from God. He reconnects us."

I lay there, without words. Forgiven, reconciled and reconnected.

Washed, white as snow...

I am so blessed.

Thank You God!

Seasons of Change

Spring and new beginnings are coming forth.

I can see the days lengthening, the daffodils beginning to grow - despite it being unseasonably cold.

I see shifts in my life. Many things are coming to a close, and other things are beginning their first steps.

While there aren't any "really cool God Things" that have happened lately, there are the smaller day to day moments when I know that God is in the midst of things.

I can feel Him moving, calling, leading. I try - the best that I can - to listen, obey and follow. Then "life" and laundry and papers stack up.... yet, I know He is there in the midst of the disarray as well.

To the journey! Lead on...

**** PAUSE ****

I've found it, and I'm using it here today....

May you all have blessed day.

Inhale....

Exhale...

Thank You, God!

Finding the Pause Button

I was texting a friend to arrange a breakfast get-together. We both commented on how BUSY our lives had become. "I need to find a 'pause' button," I said. Or perhaps a "Time-turner", like Hermione Granger's.

There is nothing like that, exactly. There is the great word "no", that I have actually used once or twice recently. "No, I cannot possibly think about one more thing right now...."

We have just finished selling basketball concessions this past week and Girl Scout cookie sales will be over next week. So, things are heading in the right direction.

Until then, I am cutting myself some slack, taking in some good deep breaths. My last yoga class will I'm sure have a restorative focus, and until the tasks are all complete, I am praying that God "redeem the time".

Help me to use it wisely. It is precious.

It is Well... sort of....

I have no words today... just exhaustion. Physical. Mental.

Not only was it a full day, but close to three hours of it was spent in a visitation line. I knew his mom and had met others in his family a few times. None the less, I knew I needed to be there.

I hugged my son closely as we walked through the line. My daughter slept in a pew at the back of the chapel.

As we got into the 'final stretch' before greeting the family, a song from this morning's worship played over and over again in my head:

whatever my lot, thou hast taught me to say, 
 It is well, it is well with my soul. 

I hugged his sister, his father, his wife and his mother, but it was the card that touched me most.

Hand-colored by a four year old girl:

"I [heart] you. I [heart] you. I [heart] you. I miss you."

She had written it that morning, and her mother had tucked it beside her fathers head to be sure it got to him in heaven.

May "peace like a river" to "attendeth [their] way", and God surround them in the midst of this....

Springing Forward

I noticed this morning when I woke... the sun was brighter. YES! Longer days. Warmer weather. New life. SPRING!

It raised my curiosities: "When do we set the clocks ahead?" I asked aloud. I didn't recall seeing it on my planner. So, I Googled it. March 14. 2:00 A.M.

MARCH 14th? That's only two weeks away!

I am continually aware of how quickly time is flying. How hard I have keeping track of the days and months. Soon we will be into all the Spring and End-of-year activities at school.

And then Summer.

At dinner, we had a "family meeting" to brainstorm a list of things we want to be sure to do this summer. It's a good list... :) I'm excited! It's all very, very do-able as well! Thank You, God!

I am aware of a shift within me as well. I am curious to see what will bloom this spring!

It's a Time of Change

I will teach my last yoga class at our local YMCA on Tuesday. I wrote, signed and delivered my resignation today. It was not an easy thing to do - nor an easy decision to make. Well....that may not be ENTIRELY true. But it was not easy to accept that it is time for me to leave.

I have known for a while that I would be leaving. I just haven't been ready to say goodbye....

They Y has been so beneficial to me through the years. Obviously, the health, exercise and pool-side lounging benefits have been wonderful. But it's not really those aspects that I remember and cling to.

It's the "nine hours of nursery time every week with a pair of infants", that was my saving grace. There were days that just handing them over for an hour or two made the difference between a "good" day and an "awful" day. Some days, when the weather was warm and the night before had been significantly interrupted, I would drop them off, set my alarm and doze for 2 hours by the pool.

As they grew older, I found yoga. There, on the mat, was a peace and strength and a connection with God that I had never experienced. Perhaps if I had taken time previously to "be still", I would have had the opportunity to "know" God a little better. But, there, in yoga, I often had opportunities to cry out to Him, or lay still and simply feel His presence.

Those months and years helped me through my separation and later divorce, in ways that I am sure I don't even fully realize even now.

As I began to teach, I began to see the impact it could have on the lives of the students: Physically, mentally, spiritually. I thoroughly enjoy watching those moments and abilities unfold.

Yet, I am being called away. Called to a new adventure. I don't know exactly the plan, but I know where I am to begin.

We'll see what I find in the karate studio....

Movin' into Spring

I'm so ready! I long for spring and all that goes along with it!

New adventures await! The garden awaits! Spring cleaning awaits!

Periodically, we get a tease, and then *wham*, it's cold again. It's hard for me to believe that the daffodils are just little sprigs of green and it's nearly March. But I know they listen and they wait to be called. They don't care what the calendar says or what other people think they should do. They wait until the time is right for them to grow and to bloom.

I am trying to be as patient.

At least I can spend the chilly days inside, preparing to throw the windows wide and air out the house. It is my perfect opportunity to go through the piles of things - papers to be sorted and filed. Clothes and toys to be tagged for the upcoming consignment sale. There is much to do.

I would just rather be OUTside - if I had MY way.... but perhaps, I should do as the daffodil, and wait for that opportunity, and take THIS opportunity to do what needs to be done in this time.

Seven Words

Someone mentioned the other day that we each have 7 words that represent our unique beings and our purpose here on earth.

It's interesting to think of myself that way. Just seven words.... that best describe ME and my purpose.

I googled the concept to see if I could gather some more information / perspective on the concept. What I found there were people creating their mantras, or a sentence of 7 words. That would be easy....

" I am blessed beyond my wildest imaginings!"

The other, not so much. Sure, I can think of a few that I know.

I know I am a writer. My father told me that years ago.... Words hold tremendous power, and finding just the right one is sometimes a challenge... but I love it....

I know I am a mother.... beyond the biological sense.

I know I am a healer - and beyond the realm of my world of nursing. I have been called a "noticer" and a "re-center-er" by friends of mine, but I would throw those into the "healing" category.

The rest, I don't know.... I am sure one day I will be clued in.... God willing....

What would yours be??

Flexibility.....

This week has definitely been about flexibility.

Monday turned into giving massages rather than yoga.

Tuesday turned into a day at the school, covering for a mom with a sick child, rather than a day spent at my house tidying up some loose ends.

I'm grateful for some flexibility training through the years. I didn't always roll with the punches.

Thank You, God, for flexibility, adaptability and letting go of a little bit of my agenda....

Circle of Women

I am very, very fortunate! I have a wonderful Circle of Women in my life. Several, actually - many that overlap and intersect.

Some are more formally structured, and some have evolved spontaneously. Some are casual and laid back, and others are more in my face, truth speaking. Both enrich my life and support me in my walk.

I had the pleasure of spending lunch with a pair of ladies that I have known for years, but don't usually get to "hang out" with.

As we were eating and talking, I realized that through the years, we had each had an opportunity to lean on the others. We had borrowed strength and joy and hope, each in turn. We'd asked for truth and guidance and received it lovingly.

For me, it was the time of my separation and divorce. They reminded me to breathe and assured me that I would be "just fine!" during the times when I doubted. They reminded me that I am not alone, hugged me and prayed for me.

I have been blessed with the opportunity to do the same for each of them through the years.

As I write, I am reminded of the strength of a cord with three strands and the stability found in a three legged stool. I realize that these teachings usually refer to God as the Third Strand... but I have no doubt that He is with us as well - collectively, individually.

With every bit of my being, I know He is there...

Thank You God, for these women in my life....

Feeling Blessed

I don't have a topic. I don't know what to write. I've been flipping through Facebook and email searching for inspiration.

I think back through the day, glance up and notice the cat curled up beside the piano, sound asleep. The moment, I move from this spot, though, she will follow me. She's a sweet thing.

I have been blessed today. Truly blessed.

The weather was beautiful - and I got to lunch outside. Peacefully quiet, with the sun on my shoulders.

In the course of a few hours, I had booked four massage sessions and sold five cases of Girl Scout cookies.

My kids returned home happy, healthy and with minimal "re-entry syndrome".

I couldn't ask for more.

Thank You God!

Beloved

"Beloved" is the word on my mind right now. I just ordered a shirt with it across the front. It is the word that continually stuck out to me when I read "Redeeming Love".

It has such a tenderness and a sweetness to it.

And it reminds me of who I am to God.

Treasured. Cherished.

Beloved.

:)

Hope of Spring

It was beautiful, warm and sun-shiny!

I had the opportunity to be outside for a while.... without a coat!

Getting the mail, I notice the buds on the maple tree in front of our house, and the tulips by the front porch.

During the warmest part of the day, I even turned off my heat and cracked the kitchen window, just a bit.

Soon enough, spring will burst forth. New life. New adventures. New Hope!

The earth will be ready for planting. I am already ready for tending.

I need one more day to sit in the sun and dream about the garden plans this year..... then several days to begin implementation.

It is coming. There is hope.

There is always hope!

Sweet Success

Thursday started out AWFULLY. 100% gone wrong. All three of us woke up irritable and it didn't get any better.

I forgot to pack snacks. My schedule didn't allow for me to join my children for our usual Thursday tradition: Mom-comes-to-school-and-eats-lunch-with-us.

As I dropped off the carpool gang - 3 boys and 2 girls - I grumbled all the way to my Moms in Touch meeting. I thought aloud, "This is going to be a HARD sugar-free day!"

From there, I headed out to lecture, pick up 5 more cases of Girl Scout cookies before returning to the school for about an hour of service and afternoon carpool duty.

The Thursday afternoon routine started - gymnastics then karate then home.

Sitting down to type this, I realized....

I've been sugar-free all day long.... and really haven't thought too much of it.

Thank you, God! It was ALLLLLLL You today...

Let there be Lent

And it was....

Shrove Tuesday, Ash Wednesday. We're here. Lent is here.

Growing up, my church as a whole didn't "give things up" for lent. Our catholic friends did, so one year, another friend and I decided to try it. We had a habit of eating - of all things - sunflower seeds. Every Monday afternoon, on our way from the school to the church, we'd stop by the corner store ("Lord's", of all things... ;) ) and get our fix. Our four years in high school, we gave them up during Lent - with varying degrees of success.

I took a break from the practice during college - along with my break from church in general. And, somewhere, back in the days of reconnecting with God, I picked the practice up again. This time, with something far more addicting: Sugar.

There have been several years I have endured the entire Lenten period sugar free. Other years, I haven't surpassed the first week.

This year has been a little different. I know God has been calling me to this - giving up sugar- for a while now. And I have been putting it off - "I'll do it during Lent". But, oh no. My timing is not His timing.

The weekend that my living room was LITERALLY wall to wall in cases of Girl Scout cookies, I was so convicted at church. I knew I had to start THAT DAY.

No Fat Tuesday celebration to get my last fix. No. Right then.

So far, so good. It has not been easy by any means, but in no way compares to dying on a cross.

Praying for Favor

One of my least favorite things to have had to do for our PTO is write an appeal letter to the IRS. It wasn't HARD, and I believe we have a good case. The fact that I had to do it at all just makes me want to roll my eyes..... but instead of that, I just got to the task.

As one might imagine, there were blessings in the process. I was shown once again that I am not walking this world alone. There are people around to seek counsel, as well as the Gentle Voice Within, who spoke "make a copy of that!" back in December. (I did!)

So, letter written, and all the supporting evidence enclosed, I ventured out to the Post Office. In the parking lot, I texted six of my prayer warriors: "Join me in praying for favor over this letter to the IRS". I had prayed for it as I stuffed the envelope, and said another quick prayer that it would arrive in the right hands, and our appeal would be honored.

As I was standing at the counter, envelope being weighed, and postage being calculated, my cell phone beeped 6 times. 6 text messages received. "Will do....", "done!", "Amen!" Each beep made me smile a little broader - I knew what they would say before I read them.

So now... we wait... and believe.

If they deny the appeal, God has bigger plans for it...

(feel free to add your prayer if you feel so inclined!)

Ice Castles

"Please, don't let this feeling end..... it might not come again... and I want to remember...."

I had the opportunity to watch the 2010 remake of the movie Ice Castles. It was a story I fell in love with as a child. I could relate to the female lead. I too had a pond that, when winter would cooperate, I would carry my skates and spend some time enjoying the feel of the ice under my feet.

No, I never made it to Nationals, but that feeling of peace an joy that I never wanted to end was there.

The theme song has woven itself through my life from time to time... Typically, it arrives in those same peaceful, joyful, carefree moments - Sitting silently on the red rocks in Sedona, Arizona, sitting quietly beside a campfire, snuggling my children.

But it also arrives sometimes after feeling convicted about something that I am to do. The presence of God is so palpable. The peace that accompanies it makes what I am to do - or not do - seem easy at the moment.

But, I know life will continue and that moment will fade. With out that acute feeling of Presence, the task feels more difficult.

So, "Please, don't let this feeling end...."

Take Three...

I think we're on our third round of (potentially school-canceling) snow this year. It certainly is the snowiest winter I can remember here in Tennessee. Both in terms of accumulation and duration.

I've been told it's backlash for the Saints winning the Superbowl (and thus hell freezing over), but I think it just is. Life happens that way sometimes. Yes, it's cold. Yes, I'm ready for spring. But it is beautiful. Magical. Peaceful. (And then, the kids wake up.)

I am curious to see what the week holds in terms of snow and school. Perhaps another "February Vacation"... time will tell. To be honest, there is a part of me that is hoping that we will "take back" Tuesday. Originally scheduled as a student holiday, our last snow storm mandated that we return for the day.

The problem being, that we are out of "snow days", so should we have another, we'll require a make-up.

In the long run, it doesn't matter. Years past, I would have fretted and worried about my plans. Right now, it's not a biggie... (Now Friday, when a sick kid canceled my morning and evening fun-times-with-the-girls plans...that was more of a biggie.)

We'll see how it goes and take it as it comes. May God keep us safe and warm - and fed. (I did not make the obligatory pre-storm milk/bread run.)

Love One Another

"Love one another, for love is of God. He who loves is born of God and knows God..."

Lyrics from a beautiful round we sang at my old church from time to time came to mind as I think about Valentine's Day.

Love one another. More than romantic love. Agapao. Agape love. Brotherly love.

Chosing well toward another. (Whether you 'feel like it' or not). Going the extra mile. Going beyond your Self.

"Love one another, for love is of God....."

Loving well...

Even in the hard times.

Love is a choice.

Choose wisely.

Unity

My children and I watched the Olympic Opening Ceremonies together. Several times I used the word "unity". My son asked what the word means.

"Kinda like 'working together' ", I said. He nodded. Not long afterward, the athletes began the Parade of Nations. As each country walked forward, I realized I was looking at each face.

"Look for the similarities, not the differences", I had been told again and again. It was at a period of time when I was in a lot of group situations. I was told I had a choice. If I wanted to be "a part of" the group, I should look for similarities. If I focused on the differences, I would be "a part from".

A simple change of perspective, with life-changing and life-defining ramifications.

May there be peace and unity at the Olympic games.

May I look for similarities rather than differences.

"Linda's Life Plan"

I stumbled upon it in the closet, while searching for a notebook for my son's Pokemon collection. The "Carolina Blue" three-ringed binder with a sheet of paper slid into the front with three simple words:

"Linda's Life Plan"

I chuckled to myself, thinking of the arrogance in the statement. Now, anyone who knows me, knows that I like a plan and I like a schedule. I like to set goals and break those goals into steps to help make them attainable. I like to make lists of all the things that I need to remember to bring to an event, and I like to neatly check them off one by one.

On one hand, it has to be done - especially in the business arena. But, knowing that I hadn't seen the book in several years, I was sure of the fact that it was truly that, "LINDA's Life plan". There had been little if any consultation with God about what HIS plan for me might contain...

That night, my curiosity was piqued. I picked the collection of papers up and started to read through them. There was a general mission statement, and a list of things that were priorities to me. (No, my relationship with God was NOT on the list....quiet time and reflection, yes, but God Himself, no.)

I began to flip through the pages. The general goals were broken down into 5 year, 3 year, 1 year, 6 month and this month goals. Some were really pretty good. Others, yeah, well, not so much. Some had been attained, others, well, not so much.

Finally, on the last page, I found a date. January 2004. Curious that I find it shortly after the completion of that 5 year period of time.

And curious also that I find it at the same time that I am being shown again and again - "THIS is what I have called you to do...."

The journey continues, of course. And yes, I still have my lists and my goals. (and am looking forward to planning my gardens soon!) But, I think - even in the garden planning - I will ask for His plan for it.

Stronger with Each Tear

In each tear (each tear)
there’s a lesson, (there’s a lesson)
Makes you wiser than before (wiser)
Makes you stronger than you know
In each tear ( Make you so much more)
Bring you closer to your dreams
No mistake, no heartbreak
Can take away what your meant to be


"Somehow" I came across the words "Stronger with Each Tear", and the artist Mary Blige. I think I was searching Youtube for a sample of a new song that we'll be doing at church this week. Clearly, I was at the table when I found it, since the words were scribbled on a napkin.

Tonight, I searched first for the lyrics and then on Youtube to hear the song itself. Not *really* my style of music, but sort of ballad-like, so I could hear it through.

Fortunately, I am not currently in a season of life that is characterized by strength-building tears. But I certainly have been there....and I know others that are in the midst of it now.

There are definitely lessons in the tears, and strength in the weakness and brokenness of those periods of life. In those times when "I" am broken, and "I" am feeling weak, the "I"-focus loses its hold. In those times, I am better able to let go of MY agendas and follow His plan.

Mistakes, heartbreaks, in my life... oh yes. Grieving the loss and the wish - which both come from an "I"-perspective - opens me up to better hear what God has in store for me.

From there, I can walk anew..... until, of course *I* take charge again....

Sinkin' in a Little Deeper....

I was driving home from the grocery store, and didn't even realize it was happening. The radio was playing...

"..... I'm forgiven, because you were forsaken....."

by the third line, I realize that I am "seeing" the song with equal clarity as I am hearing it. The words that I have interpreted in American Sign Language are appearing before me in the shape of hands and motions.

As it finishes, I see "You are my king" being interpreted. Of the three words, "You", "my" and "king", the "my" is the one that makes me pause. It is interpreted this time with emphasis.

I think back to this past Sunday - there was another song. The word "my" was put in before "Jesus". I interpreted it as such, and remembered back to the morning when I decided to be re-baptized.

The same feeling was stirring in my chest. If it's possible for my heart rate to slow and accelerate at the same time, it was doing that.

..."You are my king...." the song continued.

MY King. MY God. MY Father. Those words brought a tear to my eye, and I breathed deeply.

Another bit of my heart, reclaimed.

A Change of Routine

We have gone back and forth on the routine thing. School. No School. Plain ol' winter. Winter wonderland!

We have been inundated with more snow. Another several inches. On one hand, I am thrilled. We had so much fun sledding last week - and who KNOWS when we'll have this opportunity again! Yet, the school board is beginning to change previously scheduled "off" days, which I'm sure messes with some schedules.

The change of routine is, on one hand, enjoyable. Another day to not have to awaken early. Yet, there is some comfort in the routine.

Life is like that too. There is comfort in the day to day. In the things we know. Whether they continue to inspire, encourage and enliven us or not.

From time to time, He calls us out of our familiar routine. He is with me.

May I walk where He leads....

Being Connected...

It's so important. Where I'm connected. With whom I'm connected. The fact that I AM connected.

I don't mean the "it's who you know" connected. I mean that people know me. More than just recognizing me, they truly, deeply know ME.

It's a gift that I ran from for a number of years. Then one day, my friend Karen made a simple comment. She had noticed. She had seen me. My chameleon years were done - at least with her. As I risked sharing more and more, I allowed her to see me: my heart, my hopes, my fears, my imperfections.

I have thanked God repeatedly that she was gentle and kind. I also thank Him that she didn't let me hide. She had a keen ability to ask difficult questions, and wait patiently for an answer. When I would divert or be evasive, she would gently redirect me to the question she had asked.

Fast forward nearly 15 years, and I cannot believe my eyes. Where before there was just one, there are now many. Many who stand beside me, walk with me: desert, wilderness, mountaintop, it doesn't matter. They encourage, support and ask the difficult questions. They challenge me to grow and expect that I will do the same with them.

I am no longer alone. Isolated.

I am in community. Connected.

Thank You, thank You, thank You, God.... it has made all the difference in my world.

Proud of the Girls....

I am so, so proud of our girls. 15 young ladies, mostly second graders, with a couple of first and third graders in the mix, have done a wonderful, wonderful job!

Together they have sold over 3,000 boxes of Girl Scout cookies. They set a goal and have surpassed it!

It's hard to imagine - and you should see my living room now that the boxes are sorted into stacks for each girl! The dog is banished until the parents come to pick up the loot.

But, in the meantime, I am so, so proud of them!

Thoughts on "Forgiveness"

"Forgiveness is about the past. Trust and respect are about the future. Forgiveness will be in the hands of others and can be given to you, but trust and respect are in your own hands...and must be earned."

~~"The Noticer" p. 120


One of the things I loved about "The Noticer" is its ability to take concepts, such as forgiveness, and explain them in very simple ways.

Simply pointing out that forgiveness is "about the past" and trust and respect are "about the future", makes it very clear why things are not instantly reconciled once an apology is accepted, and the person "forgiven".

It reminds me that I cannot "make" anyone forgive me and that ongoing work is required to regain trust and respect. It is not easy, but it is necessary.

On the flip side, in "forgiving" someone of a past action, I am not required to trust until trust has been rebuilt over time. I do not have to "forget", I simply choose not to be angry, hold the grudge, or use the offense as a weapon.

"The Noticer"

I eluded to this book yesterday, "The Noticer", by Andy Andrews.

One word: "wow".

It's a quick read - which I love, but more importantly, there are these simple concepts that have grabbed me by heart and mind, providing exactly what "Jones" does - a new perspective.

It is definitely one that I will buy a few copies to gift around. I will also find myself re-reading this copy.... with a pencil. There is SO much in there that I want to retain.

I am also smitten with the main character - Jones. He has this incredible way of speaking truth with just the right mix of humility and humor. I want that.

Pick it up... read it.

It's phenomenal!

Change of Perspective

God's timing is incomprehensibly amazing!

Monday morning, I got this "ah-ha", which is to say some information was given to me, rather than me coming up with it on my own. I was very quietly preparing for my day when the thought passed through. I was suddenly still for a moment, and then, as if nothing had happened, I continued my morning routine.

What was different, however, was the phrase that continued to run through my head - over and over again.

"Perhaps the goal is not to get THERE, but to overcome what is HERE."

It repeated again and again as I tried to connect it to something, some experience HERE that needed to be overcome. There were several that fit well - the quest for the "perfect" body, or financial independence, to name a few.

I considered the slight change of perception, and how hugely it could impact my life. No longer is my focus the long term goal, but the process - the day to day - in getting there.

I thought a little more and considered this question: "Is God glorified by me being in my "skinny jeans? " No. But He IS glorified in the process of me getting there. In overcoming the day to day, moment by moment choices and habits that keep me out of them, I must turn to, focus on and rely on God.

Lord knows if I could have done it myself, I would have.... long ago....

God's timing piece....

Monday evening, in my mailbox, was placed a book - "The Noticer" - about a man whose gift is helping shift perspectives.

More on THAT tomorrow. (It's a good one!)

"February Vacation"

The Northern Girl in me is laughing hysterically.....though knowing full well the risks involved with winter weather (read: snow and ice), without "adequate" snow-removal equipment and procedures.

I think back to my childhood. Four inches of snow was a no-brainer... we'd be going to school, no questions asked. I have to also remember laying in my bed at night, hearing the snow plows circling my subdivision at least hourly.

Here, not so much. Here, we wait on the sun and warmer weather.

There it made sense. We'd typically have FEET of snow over the course of a winter - sometimes in a single storm. Here, not so much. So... from a resources standpoint, I get it. It doesn't make sense to have a fleet of plows for a single accumulating snowfall.

So, in light of the fact that the temperatures haven't rebounded as quickly as is typical, my kids (and I to some degree) are experiencing "February Vacation". It's not something we typically do here in the south... we have "Spring Break" coming up in just another few weeks.

But, I am enjoying it. It has been exactly what I have needed to catch up on a few hours of sleep, enjoy some 100% pure PLAY time with my kids, and feel like I can breathe deeply again.

Thank You, God!

Gratitude...students...

It has been an interesting semester. Each group of students is unique and have their own group personality. This group coined a phrase early on - "that ain't right...." - that has captured a little spot of my heart. Typically it's used while looking at a CT scan of the brain, that isn't quite normal... It brings a little levity to the serious nature of working and teaching in a Neuro Intensive Care Unit.

The patient population this semester has been uniquely it's own as well. As a general rule, the patients have been young - some very young. Some are the same age as my graduate students. Some days they leave feeling like they need to have the same diagnostic testing as their patients - if for no other reason than to give them some assurance of waking up neurologically intact.

Thing is.... we don't have that guarantee. We don't. Every day is a gift. Our good health is a gift.

Witnessing these patients who have sudden life-changing events brings it a little closer to home. Yet, I know that I still take it for granted. I still expect to wake up and pick up where I left off when I went to bed.

Lord, Please help me to realize what a gift I have been given - in my life and in my health. Please, please, please help me not to take it for granted

(And please, please, please help me learn that before it is taken away....)

A Picture is Worth a Thousand Words

So, I will share our day with you in a few pictures.

The church was closed, but we gathered - the neighbors, not the congregation - and delighted in the weather and excitment we had been given!

I am blessed beyond measure to share these days with my kids!!

Neighborhood Sledding Extravaganza

I love those spontaneous community events, where people just show up for a common cause. This "cause" was a day of fun involving our recent snowfall, and sleds of all sorts.

We joined the gathering with sleds left in the shed by the previous owners of our house. I'd tucked them away in case this day actually occurred.

We accumulated close to five inches of snow, which made the road that heads down the hill just near our house, perfect for sledding. Kids would start at the top, and the adults would give the younger children a push. They laughed. We laughed.

It was an incredible day of joy, laughter, frozen toes and hot chocolate. I watched them spin, slide backwards, "abandon sled!" and avoid obstacles. I was reminded of the winters of my youth....though we were not allowed to sled in the street. We might get hit by a plow or something. No plows here!

Thank you God for a beautiful, wonderful day of southern sledding!

Winter Wonderland

It is quite possibly the most snow I have seen in my15+ years of living in Tennessee. I haven't officially measured, but I'm guessing it's close to three inches, based on the looks of the table on my deck. It is undeniably beautiful!

It is undeniably unusual as well. It's snow. Pure snow. No rain, not sleet, no "wintery mix". I am very happy with it.

I look forward to some sledding time and snow angels and snow ball fights - it IS that kind of snow! :) Perhaps we will make a snow man.

It's reminiscent of my youth - except this time, I'm praying the electricity stays on.

Thank You, God for the beauty of this storm. Keep us safe and warm.

Predictions...

They are predicting snow.... and canceled school.

I am predicting a day to sleep in, sort through the piles that have accumulated during my stretch of working outside the home, and perhaps a snowball or two. We'll see. We bought boots, so it'll probably be nothing...

So long as we have electricity to keep us occupied... (if I don't appear on Saturday, you know what happened!)

And, Lord willing, my fridge could be delivered. I would be one very, very happy woman!

The "day to sleep in" is enough to make me a little giddy!

Soon.... but not yet....

I noticed today... the daffodils are beginning to pop their green heads out of the ground. I wish I had the opportunity to plant some more last fall... Daffodils and white tulips (doubles if I can find them!) But alas... I didn't.

Yet, the first signs of impending Spring are beginning to show. Little green leaf-tips of daffodils.

It reminds me to remember hope, to know that - even though it is not here yet - Spring will arrive and the cold of winter will soon be a memory.

There are several other things that I anticipate arriving soon... but not yet.

I will try to be patient and hopeful as I endure this waiting period.

To Spring and other good gifts that often arrive after a period of waiting!

A Moment of Gratitude: My Job(s)

It wasn't too long ago that my perspective of what my "role" in the world is changed. Up until then, I considered myself a "Stay-at-Home Mom".

It had been a busy week, and I totaled my out-of-the-house work hours. I realized then that really, I am a "Working Mom". And, if you combine the hours between Trauma, teaching, massage and yoga, sometimes more full-time than part-time.

The gift and the blessing is that I am able to schedule my working hours while my kids are at school and with their dad. I am fortunate to be able to be as involved in my kids school as I am. I know that that is not true for everyone.

Opportunities continue to present themselves. I must remember to bring each before God before I jump in.

I thank You for providing for me in this way. I am grateful for the opportunities and the gifts.

Great is Thy Faithfulness, Lord Unto Me....

Great is Thy Faithfulness.... Yet Again....

I continue to be amazed. Absolutely 100% amazed.

As I stand in awe and watch, I can hardly believe it. I try to look back and review the past several years. Have they been years of famine? Sure, some have felt like it! There have been moments when I was sure that it was only the grace of God that got me by. No other timing could have been so serendipitous or well choreographed.

And now, as I watch opportunity after opportunity, blessing after blessing come my way, 2010 has the appearance of a year of plenty. Thank You, Thank You, Thank You, God!

May I always remember that all I have is a gift from You.

Keep me humble. Help me to live and choose wisely.

And now... it's time to rest....

I look forward to saying that ... "it's time to rest..."

I have a few more days....and then I shall...

For now, I'm cutting a little slack.

I wish you peace and an opportunity to rest as this week begins!

"It's Complicated"

Friday evening, I spent with a long-time friend. We went to see the movie "It's Complicated". When the previews first began circulating, we promised each other we would see it together.

Our friendship has been witness to my marriage and both of our divorces. We've walked through the valleys and stood on the mountain tops together. We thought it would be apropos to see this movie together.

We laughed and laughed and commented from time to time. "Been there...." "OMG. SERIOUSLY?"

It was poignant and funny, and hopeful in a different sort of way. And I just loved it.

Rarely to I walk out of the theater knowing that I will add the movie to my collection, but this one....

OH YEAH!

Be Gentle with Your Self...

The evening has been spent chatting with friends.... at one point, I said to one "be gentle with yourself"....

Such a good reminder.

I used to be very hard on myself. I expected more than I should have, and didn't allow myself the fallibility of my humanity. Pushed myself when I should have allowed myself to rest, and spoke harshly when a gentle tone was in order.

"Be gentle with your Self" - over and over I heard those words. One day, I asked for clarity. "What exactly do you mean by that?"

Allow yourself time - to eat, to play, to rest, to breathe (deeply!), to be.
Allow yourself the opportunity to discover who you are.
Forgive the mistakes, embrace the imperfections.
Realize it's OK not to know all the answers - one day you might, some you never will.
Allow yourself the freedom to decide - what is in your best interests, what is not.
Give yourself the chance to listen for God's whispers.
Turn off the "old tapes" that run incessantly in your head.
Create new tapes that encourage and build up, rather than tearing down.
Realize that you don't have to make a decision TODAY.
Believe that it is OK to change your mind.
Know that you are here for a reason, that you are a child of God, and that alone is enough.

You don't have to prove yourself.

He already knows.

Thinking Back....

It started with the Facebook "post an retro picture" week. I knew EXACTLY which picture I needed to post. It's a nice picture... but it's so "not me".

I found it - while looking in my closet for my Myers-Briggs results - and posted it to Facebook. There are a few folks on there who knew me during those years. They were my long-haired North Carolina years. My EMS years. My searching, but not quite finding years. I do have some very good memories from that time, and some days I would never choose to relive.

I had the picture made at Glamour Shots. (pfft - another "NOT ME"!) I let them tease my hair and paint my face, but drew the line at that. They could keep their boas and crazy clothes and props.... I felt ridiculous enough as it was! But it was a gift, so I did my best to endure it.

When it was done, I returned to jeans, boots and ponytails. Much more my style.

It's fun to look back sometimes, remember where I've been. I'm grateful that I am not "not quite finding" anymore. And I am grateful to be comfortable in my own skin.

Thank You God for that....

Right Place, Right Time....

Sometimes, it just happens, there is a need and I happen to be there. I am grateful for that opportunity, but sometimes it's difficult if I stop to think through it too long.

I'm grateful to be able to splint my son's friend's broken arm... though I wish I didn't have to.

I'm grateful to have the time to sit and listen to a friend as her world is turned upside down... though I wish she weren't going through it.

I'm grateful to be able to lend a hand, and ear, a heart, a prayer. It seems like such a small bit of what has been given to me in my times of need.

Perhaps next time I am on the receiving end, I will remember how grateful I feel to have been able to be there when there was a need.

It's a dance, really... back and forth. Giving, receiving.

It's balance and harmony.

It is as it should be.

Help me to remember when it is my turn to receive....

Listening for God's Plan.

It amazes me, His timing.....

It amazes me, that what I wrote less than 24 hours ago, not thinking of myself, now specifically applies... (and was quoted back to me!)

Transition. Crossroads. Which path shall I take, Lord.

That is where I am, now. In the quiet, sit-down-and-talk-about-the-situation-and-ask-where-He would have me place.

Staying. Leaving. Both have pros and cons judged through the world's eyes.

But those aren't the eyes I wish to see through to make my decision. I wish to know His plan for me.

So, I pray, and I listen and wait to know His will before I rush off down the wrong road.

Times of Transition...

I see so many people these days in transition. I know of several between jobs. Others are scaling back here and there for a variety of reasons. Still others are making decisions to change aspects of their lives, to improve their health - mental, physical, spiritual.

I am not excluded from many of those groups. But, I am thinking more about those for whom the changes are unexpected.

As I hear them talk, I get that feeling deep inside. I get still and quiet, and excited all at the same time. I just know that being invited into their situation - even from the very periphery, in a "non-active", but praying position - I will soon see God's hand in action.

I am reminded then of the changes that have occurred in my life, and how mightily He worked through those.

I can't say that I would willingly "sign up" for a life-changing experience or two, but having been there and walked through the other side, I am grateful for them.

I can't imagine how my life would be without them.

Thank You, God.

Be with us. Help us to see You.

Inscribe These Words on Your Heart.....

During my small group meeting at church, one of the women mentioned inscribing the words of the Bible on our hearts. She mentioned it in regards of being able to "find" them when we needed them, whether we had the book itself, or not.

As have read and studied and listened more, I am finding more and more verses, stories and concepts are migrating to my heart.

Some are tagged with book, chapter and verse, and others are just free-floating. None-the-less, they are there.

I walked away from there knowing beyond a shadow of a doubt that God is with me. His presence, His Word.

The world can take what it will, but it cannot take what is inscribed on my heart.

Trying Something New...

I am very independent..... to a fault, actually.

From time to time, I have been reminded that just because I CAN do something, doesn't mean that I should.... or that I should do it alone.

So I am trying something new.

Instead of trying to carry the Christmas tree in it's box out to my shed, I have decided to ask for help.

Amazing, actually...

Perhaps I can learn to do things a little differently....

Blessed Beyond My Wildest Imaginings

I don't know exactly when that phrase first appeared in my life. It was sometime in the midst of my divorce and the deepening of my connection with God. I know that someone had said we are "blessed".

The next words out of my mouth were ".... beyond my wildest imaginings." It stuck.

As time went on I realized exactly how true the words have turned out to be. I find myself in a situation - "good" or "bad" - and take a look around, and realize: no matter what the situation, where I am is infinitely better than I would conceive I would be if I were in charge.

When I struggle, there is grace beyond what I would expect. When life is good, the same is true.

When I can't seem to find it, I realize I am not looking outward, but inward. I am focused on my struggle, the temporal situation and my pain. When I lift my head and look beyond the very moment that I am in, it's right there.

Always right there: The grace, the blessings.... beyond my wildest imaginings!

Thank You, God!

Today, I just want to take a moment to say "Thank You, God!" for the way Thursday fell into place.

Thursdays are my busy days... and it was non-stop dawn to dusk. I'd leave the house and come home only after I'd been to a prayer meeting, the elementary school, driven carpool, transported my daughter to gymnastics, and my son to Karate.

And yet... despite allllll the little places where it could have unraveled. It was a wonderful day. Calm. Peaceful. Joyful. Productive.

Thank You God, for redeeming the time, and for helping me to remember all the things I needed to pack into the car when I left that morning.

I could not do it without You.

Sitting and Watching

I am being given an opportunity to sit and watch God in action, in my life, and in the lives of others.

I love being aware of it. Love taking a moment to see the things going on and identifying the "God things" as they come up. Here. Here. Here. There. There.

They are everywhere!

Even and especially in the midst of trials and struggles, He is there. Loving us through it and working it for good.

Thank you God, for your active presence in my life.

I am grateful beyond words.

Learning Through Other's Words

I was talking with someone not long ago, and one of the things she said was that she steps back, rather than letting people get to know her too well. Later that evening, as I was in reflection mode, I thought, "Don't you feel like you're missing out on the connection of being IN relationship with others?"

That thought came back to me several times over the next few days until one day, the question got turned back to ME. The gentle voice within spoke - "Don't YOU?"

"Oooh... Uhm... Well.... no?" (I think...)

I did my quick little internal analysis: "My friends know me - REALLY know me." "There are several people I could share anything with - and have." "I am generally pretty transparent."

The searching was stopped there....

"oh..... You mean 'dating'....."

The whole new list started rattling off: "My kids are young." "I don't have time." "I've got enough on my plate." "I'm not lonely".... (and of course, the unspoken one.... the one that my friend and I share - "I don't want to be hurt again....(so I won't let you get close enough that you might) "

I sighed, turned out the light. . . and prayed. . .

"Prepare my heart.
Show me Your will
Help me to live it."

An Oldie but Goodie - and yes, it's "that time" again!

Enjoy the re-telling: Originally published Saturday September 13, 2008:

It's Girl Scout Cookie Time!!!

Well, no, not really. Cookies come in the spring. But my daughter just signed up for Brownies, so we've been doing some reminiscing. I pulled out my old Girl Scout vest and we looked at my badges and my star pins (which she liked best). She put on my old beanie and gave me an ear to ear grin. It begins.

It's changed a lot in the years since I was a scout. The thing I notice most - since I've not actively been involved in scouting - thus far! - is how cookies are sold. In my day (and yes, I know I'm dating myself here - I'm OK with that!), we sold cookies door to door... and they were a dollar a box! One year, I had sold the most in my district - 265 boxes (or something equally ridiculous). And that wasn't mom or dad taking the order form to the office, it was DOOR TO DOOR. The reality of that designation hit me when I was loading up yet another wagon full to deliver them... door to door. (I vowed never to seek that honor again!)

These days, they set up outside of Wal*mart or the grocery store. Several girls and their leader or adult volunteer. For the past several years, I've developed my own Girl Scout cookie tradition (that my sister has encouraged me to share here!). I love the cookies and I believe in scouting. But, my problem: I love the cookies. It wouldn't matter how many boxes I bought, I'd eat them all - without an opportunity to teach my kids about sharing. So, I've gone about it in a little different way.

When I see them set up outside the store, I now grin ear to ear in anticipation. I enjoy that feeling while I do my shopping. On my way out, I stop at the table.

"Would you like to buy some cookies?" they ask. I ask how much they cost, and quickly count the number of girls at the table. I then ask each girl in turn what their favorite flavor is. "Thin mints", "Tagalongs", "Samoas". I tell them I'll take one of each. They stack them up and tell me how much I owe - now significantly more than a dollar a box! Change in hand, I pick up the stack of boxes and hand each box to the girl who expressed it as her favorite. "Enjoy!" I say as I walk away.

It's interesting to hear what happens next - and honestly, I wish I could be a fly on the wall to truly witness it with my eyes, but I'm walking away, so I have to trust my ears. At first they are baffled. "for me?" the silence says. I can only imagine they look at each other and then the shrieking begins or the laughter, and the "THANK YOU!!"s. "You're welcome", I call back.

I am able to donate to a worthy cause, demonstrate random acts of kindness, and I save myself THOUSANDS of calories. That is a definite win-win situation!

I'll repost this in the spring, when it IS Girl Scout Cookie time, with a challenge to make a Girl Scout's day!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I've got a connection, if you need some :)

Tennessee Paradox

It has been interesting the past few mornings, driving to work. Looking out my kitchen window, the roads are still snowy white. Yet, as I pull out of my subdivision, onto the main road through town, and onto the interstate, they are very different. They are clear. Dry even.

When I first ventured out of my driveway, I was grateful for the training I'd received from my mother. The first snowfall after I had my license, we headed out early. My mother drove us to the local grocery store and parked the car.

We were the only ones there. The store was closed and the parking lot had not yet been plowed, so it was covered in a blanket of snow.

We traded seats and she began instructing. "Head that direction. Faster. STOP!" I pressed my foot hard on the brake, and the car began to slide and spin. From there I learned to steer into the skid, to handle the brakes more delicately. I learned that there is more traction accelerating than stopping, so I should slow down BEFORE my turn, so I can gently accelerate as I make it. I learned how to test the roads peridically for traction. (My education of "black ice" came once I hit the south!)

So, as I pulled out that first time and tested the roads, I gave my kids a quick lesson on traction. One politely said "ok" and the other "that's weird", and we were off.

Once we hit the main roads, I laughed at the Tennessee Paradox. The difference in the road conditions less than 1/2 a mile from each other was amazing. As is the difference in the way the North and the South handle a little snowfall.

Yet, I have adopted the Southern caution. Not only does a little sunshine on a freezing day turn a snowy road into a sheet of black ice more readily here than there, but not everyone was fortunate enough to have such wonderful winter driving training. Thanks Mom!

And thank You, God, for keeping me safe these past few days....

Happy Birthday!!

Today is my little sister's birthday.
(a "big" one, even!)

A few years back, when I had my "big" one, she painted this picture of my kids for me. (It's from a picture I took the previous summer in our new backyard.) I opened it at the post office.... and wept.

We didn't always see eye to eye growing up, but have grown into friends as adults. My kids and I always look forward to our annual visits to Massachusetts and Maine, when we stay in her home, visit her cabin and enjoy her family.

I admire her hard work, her determination and her ability to confront difficult issues. She is a talented artist, and has an innate knack for making things beautiful. I have thoroughly enjoyed watching her bring to life the visions she has for her home, her little backyard and her "big backyard".

Her creativity-in-action and her mothering inspire me and encourage me to strive to higher standards.

I have failed to commemorate this birthday of hers in a timely manner. I hope she knows how much she is loved.

Thank you, God for my sister.....

The Crunch of the Snow....

I had an opportunity - it actually kind of grabbed me and said "C'mon!" - so I grabbed a hoodie (to put under my jacket), my gloves and the dog's leash and we headed out the door.

Talk about a mixture of thoughts, feelings and voices all swirling around competing for utmost attention:

"It's not so bad out here!"

"are you CRAZY - my thighs are FREEZING!"

"Should have worn the long-johns"

Soon enough, the conversation dimmed and "crunch, crunch, crunch" of the snow underfoot captured my attention. My thighs had either frozen or adapted, and were no longer complaining.

I still carried on nearly continuous prayer for sure footing. The roads were still covered with snow, some of the tire tracks had frozen beneath the pressure of the vehicles, which made the hills especially a little challenging.

I joked briefly to myself about harnessing the dog and donning skis. It certainly would have been an adventure, but the dog has no brakes and no steering and LOTS of energy and curiosity. I elected to play it safe.

Arriving home, I took a moment to kick the snow off the soles of my boots and wondered why I hadn't taken the opportunity to walk while my mother was visiting.

Thank you God for breaking the cycle of cabin fever! Thank you for the beauty of the world around me, and for my New England upbringing. Help me not forget the skill set that was developed during those years. Continue to teach and lead. Forgive me when I do not follow right away... I will learn.... one day.

Snow Day 2010

As anticipated, we were out of school Thursday - and now Friday as well.

My New England friends tease me unmercifully - which I understand, on one hand. On the other hand, I remember how differently equipped they are up in the North for the likes of this.

Really, there wasn't much snow, but it was ill-timed for school buses and has been SOOOO cold here that it didn't melt on contact - nor will it in the next day or so, by my estimations.

My kids had a blast. They dressed themselves and headed out. I leashed the dog and joined them for a picture or two. A few times I thought to myself how little they truly "get" SNOW. Yes, they know what it is, but have never experienced more than an inch or so of it. They've never had snowbanks to tunnel through, or enough snow to consider building an igloo. A snowball or two and a small snowman if they were lucky, but *real* snow.... never.

It was pretty and all, and I was grateful to have a day "off", but it kinda muddles up plans for Friday. Apparantly, God has other plans. (I just hope it will be gone by Monday.)

Yet, it was while I was making supper that it tugged at my heart strings. As I glanced out over the frozen road through the window above my sink, I was reminded of a similar road. I was reminded of a very, very peaceful time in high school.

My senior year, I would run to school in the mornings. The lighting of the sun set reminded me of my sunrise runs. The mornings when there was fresh snow on the ground, were my favorite. Everything was quiet and still. Often the moon would still be visible in the sky, and the snowbanks would twinkle in it's light. My sneakers would squeak and crunch as each step brought me the half-mile closer to the school building.

It was peaceful and joyful, and most definitely God-filled.

Extended Break...

I'm thrilled as I sit here.

Thursday had been billed as a busy day. Now, it has become another day of winter break.

They say we'll have snow - an inch or two. We'll see what shows up when all is said and done.

Yes, I'm ready for the kids to go back to school, but I could use a smoother transition back into the routine. Hopefully, I will get that on Friday, but I expect we'll be out again.

But, we'll see....

It's how it is sometimes here in the South. A little snow topples the schedule.

Today, I am grateful!

Thank You God!

Perspective...

It's funny. This thing called perspective.

I grew up in New England. The weather we are having here now, would be described as typical of my childhood - if of course you added a foot or two of snow....

But, I have become accustomed to the warmer winters of the south. Yes, it gets cold (occasionally) and yes it snows (from time to time), but this below-freezing-for-days stuff makes me just want to hibernate. I stay inside, sit by the fire and realize how "softened" I have become. (my friends who are still in the North call me a "wimp".) Whatever. I'm good with that.

I'm also good with daffodils in February....which, by the way, gives me hope that this will end soon.

But, I wonder... how did I ever survive up there...? Yes, of course I had boots, heavy gloves and a (real) winter coat. These days, if I need more than a hoodie, I'd just as soon stay in. And, I had snow.... and "thicker" blood...

Yes, I can walk my children out to the carpool barefoot in winter (our typical winter, that is), and I let the dog out on the snow covered deck the same way, so I haven't TOTALLY given up my upbringing.

But this... this is different. This is C-O-L-D. And it has stayed. *sigh*

And yes, I am counting my blessings that I will be able to cover my increased electric bill, and that I have a gas fireplace should we ever be electricity-free. I am also being reminded of how nice our typical winters are here in TN. I could still be in New England - shoveling snow fall after snow fall...

I am so grateful to be here.... Thank You God....

(though I am sure I would have enjoyed Vermont as well....)

The Break, Finally....

I keep hearing about this thing called "Winter Break", and FINALLY, I have gotten to experience it.

I love the "no alarm clock" days, especially now that my kids are trained not to wake me - ".... except if there is a fire or a tornado or something like that, right, Mommy?"

Yet, I also have sung aloud a line from one of the songs I tired of during December. The first time, was when my daughter was whining at the table during breakfast. I looked my mother square in the eye and sang ".... and Mom and Dad can hardly wait for school to start again!". My mother laughed. My daughter was appalled!

And so it is, winter break. Time with family, with flexible schedules. And some cold, cold weather.

I understand it helps keep our springs and summers bug-free (NOT!), but I'm ready for some "seasonal" weather.... not the arctic front we've been having lately.

I'm sure there is a plan that I totally don't understand, so I will lay off the whining and complaining.

Two more "no alarm clock" days in my future and then the routine starts again.... UNLESS of course we get that snow that is predicted.

I laugh at the thought of it, but it is what it is, and Thursday is not critical. Bring it, if it's Your will.... bring it!

Hallelujah!

It just keeps running through my head: "Hallelujah! God is with us!"

It started with a song this morning at church, and has carried me through all day.

Certainly, if *I* were writing the script, it would run a little differently. For one thing, it would be JUST A TOUCH warmer here in Middle Tennessee. (I left New England for a reason!). But, fortunately for all of us, I am not.

And despite it all - highs, lows, FREEZING cold days - God is with us. Amen!

Poco a Poco...

Little by little. Bit by bit. Piece by piece. Step by step.

I have to remind myself sometimes. I know where I want to be - with my house, my kids, my self, my relationship with God. And I know where I am: Not there.

So I remind myself -"poco a poco". One day I'll get there. So long as I keep working in that direction. Some days I actually take a step forward. Other days standing in place is progress.

Patience, progress and determination. Keeping my eyes focused on Him, I will get there.

(and perhaps, none of the rest will matter....)

Starting the Year Right

New Year's Day morning was perfect. Absolutely perfect!

We shut our eyes shortly after we watched The Ball drop in Time Square (and hour delayed for those of us in the Central Time Zone). I tossed a little in the earlier morning, but wouldn't consider myself "awake" until about 10 am. (A good thing, as I worked the night of the 1st).

My kids, too, began stirring at that time. I could hear them puttering around, talking quietly to each other. They played a game or two, as I eavesdropped on the conversation from the warmth of my bed.

Around 10:30, my boy wandered into my bedroom to fetch the cat for his sister. He also looked searchingly into my face. He smiled when he saw my open eyes. "hi..." I said.

He ran in and hugged me, then crawled in to snuggle for a while. We chatted about New Year's Eve and how big a help he had been to his sister that morning. We told each other how grateful we were that God had chosen the other to be our mom/boy. We said "I love you"s and "Happy New Year!"s and giggled and grinned.

Not long after, his sister joined us. Then the cat.

It was a wonderful way to start the day and the year.

Thank You, God!

....In With The New....

A New Year begins....

Typically, we choose resolutions to begin the year, though I learned an important lesson last year. I had made several resolutions last year.... to lose weight, be a better mom, get more exercise, make healthy lifestyle changes..... You know... that kind of stuff.

What I realized is that all of them tied to one thing: Getting adequate rest. When I am more rested, I AM a better mom, I have the energy to exercise and the patience to make healthy choices.

I also learned that each DAY is new, and that living with my eyes and heart focused on HIM is really what I need each day. Everything else is secondary.... even the "being a better mom" part.

So, that is where I intend to set my focus in 2010. On Him.

May I stay focused and rested...

Happy New Year... may you realize how blessed you are!