Soon.... but not yet....

I noticed today... the daffodils are beginning to pop their green heads out of the ground. I wish I had the opportunity to plant some more last fall... Daffodils and white tulips (doubles if I can find them!) But alas... I didn't.

Yet, the first signs of impending Spring are beginning to show. Little green leaf-tips of daffodils.

It reminds me to remember hope, to know that - even though it is not here yet - Spring will arrive and the cold of winter will soon be a memory.

There are several other things that I anticipate arriving soon... but not yet.

I will try to be patient and hopeful as I endure this waiting period.

To Spring and other good gifts that often arrive after a period of waiting!

Patiently, I Will Wait....

I never cease to be amazed at "timing". Yesterday I wrote saying that I am "waiting" - which, honestly, took me a bit by surprise to see that word there, but it was there, and wouldn't leave. As soon as I hit "publish", I put the movie "Fireproof" into my laptop. I'd heard good things about it, and knew it was time to see it.

Much of the movie, I could relate to: the marriage, the importance of God's active presence in my life, and how that can turn a perspective 180 degrees. My story didn't turn out quite like Caleb and Catherine's, but I enjoyed it nonetheless. (for those of you who know me, it was a "6 Kleenex movie"- which is actually significantly less than expected!)

Of everything in the movie, the part I loved most was - surprise, surprise - a song. "While I'm Waiting". I'd never heard it before, but let me tell you - it was responsible for 80% of the Kleenex usage! Powerful.

"I am waiting on You, Lord"

"I'll be taking every step in obedience"

"I will serve You while I'm waiting"

"I will worship while I'm waiting"

It says nothing in there about idly passing the time, or implementing plans of my own. Not one word about whining and complaining. It does say it will be painful, and not easy, yet, I'm not to run away.

It says I'm waiting on God. It says I'm hopeful, bold and confident. I will be walking in obedience. I will be serving and I will be worshiping. I will not fail.

More instructions.... I love instructions...

Thank You, God.

Walls...Prisons of our own Making

I have been witnessing and experiencing walls again lately.... my own, and those of others. Curiously enough, I find those two things go hand in hand. When the walls of others grab my attention, and start to annoy me, it's time to start focusing on what's being built around me.

Walls are fascinating obstacles to me. Erected to protect our Selves from perceived threats, they can quickly become a barrier to true relationships. Meant to contain our vulnerabilities, they easily become prisons to our hearts. Established to block out pain and suffering, they surround us in darkness, blocking out only the light.

I have seen walls elaborately created, and I have seen them more simply "functional" and crass. Mine is somewhere in the middle... and in various stages of construction and deconstruction.

When I originally built my wall, I didn't have the "God-connect" - the faith - that I do today. I was very Self-reliant: My way. My timing. My plans. I felt that I needed to protect my Self from everything that got in the way of My purpose. So, I tried.... really hard. It was exhausting and very, very isolating.

Fortunately, through the years - with much help of many people sent into my life at just the right time -I have been able to disassemble some of the most stifling parts. For not only did my wall keep others from intruding, it kept me from participating in my own life. In the same way I tried to prevent others from stifling me, I stifled myself.

Now, when I see - and bump into - walls of others, it brings me right back to the days when I was struggling behind my own wall. Looking back, I can see the people who stood outside, quietly waiting for an opportunity: to speak the truth, to toss a flower, or to extend a hand. Standing beside me, loving me, and slowly earning my trust.

There are some days when I am patient, able to sit quietly, gently speak, toss a flower or extend a hand. And then, there are other days when I just want to pound on them and say "DON'T YOU SEE? This is NOT HELPING!!"

There have been times in the past, where I have done exactly that. Times when I have knocked so loudly, the stones rattled. It didn't help. Not one bit. It wasn't loving, and it didn't earn trust.

Yet there are still days when I feel that way. I want to shake and shout, "I KNOW you've been hurt....", "I KNOW you've been abandoned....", "I KNOW you're scared". "COME OUT!" "RISK IT!!"

Instead I cry out to God, "TELL me... SHOW me... what do I do...?" This past fall, when I did just that, I was reminded again of the book: The Wall: a parable.

I'd read it in years past... but in the present reading, I see clearly the God-imagery. Those willing to speak the truth in ways that it can be heard. Those willing to stand quietly by. Those willing to toss a flower of hope. Lend a hand of encouragement. Simply love. All of them waiting for the direction of His timing.

I am reminded again, of how God continues to bring people into my life that do all of these things for me....and for my wall. To continue the dismantling process. To help identify those stones that still trip me up, and point me in the right direction.

He continues to send people I can discuss with, pray with, laugh with, cry with.... Those who encourage me to stand quietly, and speak gently, rather than shake wildly and confront in a full-fledged assault.

And, He sends those with walls for me to practice. Standing patiently. Speaking gently. Waiting for His words and His timing.

Thank you for those You have sent to me.

May I listen. May I follow Your lead.

We Are Not Alone...

It's funny where the reminders come from. This week, it was Grey's Anatomy that sent the reminder: "We are not alone".

That truth has been a constant for me... no matter what is going on. No matter how dark the night seems, or how alone I feel - I've never been alone. Ever.

I've found comfort in that these past few weeks. The days when I'm not quite sure what is "going on", I find myself singing the words "Be near, oh God..." I know, as I continue to walk, as long as I listen and wait for His direction, I will be led.

"Be near, oh God"....

May I feel your presence, as I wait for You to make clear the path ahead.