One Thing Remains

It has been a long, hard year.

Two kids in three different schools means lots of change, collaboration, uncertainty and flexibility.

Yet, in the midst of the whirlwind - of schedule and geographic adaptation (or not) - one thing has remained constant.


You.


In the midst of the uncertainty, You are sure.

In the midst of the chaos, You are calm.

In the midst of my weakness, You are strong.

In the midst of my fear, You are hope.

In the midst of my frustration, You are peace.

In the midst of my sorrow, You are joy.

In the midst of it all, You are more.



None of this is too hard for You.

None of this surprises You.

And nothing You have done today is any different than what You have previously done for me, and for mine.



You continue to provide.

You continue to lead and to guide.

You continue to comfort.

You continue to call us forth.



And grateful am I,

for Your timing,

for Your presence,

and, for the people you have placed in our path - before we have needed them.  Always before we have needed them!



You lead me forward, and I come again, to the verse of so many years ago.

Then Samuel took a stone and set it up between Mizpah and Shen.  He named it Ebenezer, saying, "Thus far, the Lord has helped us"  
~ 1 Samuel 7:12


Everything is different, yet nothing has changed.


Thank You, God.

"I can't"

I had just finished reading my friend's blog, when I went out on the mower to cut the grass.  For some reason, God uses these opportunities to speak to me - perhaps it's  because I can't quickly escape, or the task is fairly routine, or the hum of the car and mower engine are there to soothe me.... probably the first, but who knows for sure.... it's on the list of questions to ask when I get there....

So, after reading my friend's blog (which I'd highly recommend), on letting God be God, (titled Let Me Be ) and taking a few passes around the yard with the music playing, I began to recall all the times I have said "I can't" recently.

"I can't possibly do what You have asked"

"I can't possibly ask that question!"

"I can't.....I'm afraid"

"I can't....I don't know how"

"I can't....I will cry"

"I can't...."

"I can't...."

"I can't...."


And, then, very quietly, above the sound of the mower and of the music in my ears, I hear:

"I'm not asking you to.  I'm asking you to stop saying "I can't",  and let me..."

Things I Never Expected...

I could go on and on about the things I never expected in my life... NEVER expected.

I never expected to be a part of an ongoing prayer group.... especially one dedicated to pray for the schools. Seriously... people pray for the schools? (never knew it... til I joined it!)

I never expected to write a blog. CERTAINLY never expected to have something to say for nearly two years. And, it never EVER crossed my mind, that what I did say would touch the lives of others...and that they might "post a comment" with a prayer request.

I never expected to be sitting in a girl scout meeting, hearing all about the nuts, candy and magazines that will be our fall fundraiser, and hearing God speak to me.... "right here. right now."

I never expected to hear God speak to me in the first place... but He does, in a multitude of ways. Whether I want Him to or not....

Through the years, I've realized that if I don't listen, try to ignore or pretend I don't hear, He continues to "stalk" me until I do. I've learned it's easier if I just go ahead and DO it.... no matter how much simpler I think my life will be to just sit on my hands. I've learned it is especially true if it is something he has been preparing me for.... for a decade (or more!).

So, I took the first step on faith. Right there. Right then. I will take another tomorrow - already scheduled for 11am. From there, we will see what He has in store for me.

I know He knows me and has a plan for me. I know He hears my prayers, spoken and unspoken. He knows the depths of my heart better than I do. I know He will not lead me to a place that He is not with me.


And know that I do pray for the requests that come through this blog, even though they remain unpublished. I stand on faith knowing that He has already heard those prayers - spoken and unspoken - and that standing together in prayer, He is with us as well. He will not lead you to a place that He is not with you either....

Walking on Faith

I've been getting some interesting information from a couple of different sources. Not only is it GOOD information that I need to implement, but curiously enough, it comes from two (seemingly) unrelated directions. And, there, in my lap, they land and merge and support one another.

As I was reading one, a phrase jumped off of the page at me: "Sometimes you have to do it before you can understand it". I get that. I'm a kinesthetic learner. I like to "do" it to learn it. It's in the "do-ing" that I begin to comprehend the process.

But when I read it, it hit a spiritual place of understanding. Oh. That.

Sometimes I need to walk on faith, setting my foot in the glimmer of light on the path ahead of me. I don't always know where I'm going, nor do I understand why I'm in the valley I'm in.

But, from time to time, I get to look back - as we walk out of the dark places and into the light. I get to look back, and things are a little clearer. I begin to have some understanding.

And then I read this (from a third, totally "unrelated" source): "It is comforting to know that the God who guides us sees our tomorrows more clearly than we see our yesterdays".

Yes. It is comforting. And it encourages me to walk...... purely on faith.

Leaving the Plateau

When talking about "the plateau" recently, I got some interesting comments. I had said that I was ready to be done with it - actually, more specifically, that I wanted to "kick it out of my life - literally" (which, unbeknownst to me was the focus of my MMA class that day! Thanks, God!).

One said that the plateau was the place to run and get speed built up before the next uphill climb. Or, perhaps it's the resting point on the way down the mountain, before the valley... OR, if you live around here, it's a section of Tennessee that begins about 90 minutes east of here. But, that's not what I meant.

I meant the weight-loss plateau. So I've had to shake the exercise routine up a little.... which I've enjoyed, actually.

I've got plans to shake it up again when I go to camp, and again when we visit family in New England.

I know that this will pass, so long as I persevere. Actually, it will pass if I don't persevere, but not in the direction I've got my eyes set.

Walking with God is similar for me. I love the mountain-top! The view and the perspective is fabulous! The valley is tolerable, since I've walked there before. It's often there when I feel Him closest to me, or find someone who has walked that valley before and reminds me of it's purpose. But the plateau.... That's often where I wander off in search of fireflies.

I trust that He will call me back, and I pray for Him to show me a point on the horizon that sets our course.

From that perspective, little by little, step by step, I walk.

Peace...

I was at a loss as to what to share today. I'd been poking around Facebook and seen people having taken the "What Bible verse fits your life". On principle, I refuse to participate in the Facebook quizzes, but I wondered what verse might come up. I Google'd something similar and came up with my "Birth Verse". Philippians 4:7.

If nothing else, it's something I needed to be reminded of today. "The peace of God, which transcends all understanding". Ah yes.... need that.

There have definitely been days of some anxiety lately. And some "I have NO idea how this is going to work out...." Yet, I try to trust...

When I get back to that place, I think of all the other times I've been there and what has happened. His timing has been perfect and "all I have needed [His] hand hath provided". Why I worry, I don't know... other than that it doesn't seem possible through my human eyes.

So, "the peace of God, which transcends all understanding will guard [my] heart and [my] mind in Christ Jesus".... Amen! I'm good with that! Bring it!

Philippians 4:7 NIV
And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Yes, but I do.....

I have found myself, several times recently saying "I don't know...." It's always been a response to a prodding from within, or a nudging on the yoga mat.

"I don't know if I can do that."

"I don't know how it will turn out."

"I don't know if it will work."

"I don't know if I can be that brave."

"I don't know if I can start.... or stop..."

Inevitably, I hear: "Yes, but I do...."

Ah, the walk of faith.... Taking the step without knowing the path. Starting the project without knowing the final result. Daring to risk without knowing the dangers.

In the midst of the conversation, "I don't know..." seems like a very reasonable response, and a valid reason to hesitate or "decline the invitation". Yet, sitting here, writing out the fears, I laugh at myself.

Has there ever been a time where I have followed His lead and been led astray? No.

Has there ever been a task where my vision was better or grander than His? No.

Have I ever listened and dared and not been protected? Never.

Has He ever called me to a task and not provided everything I needed and more? Never.

So, what's the problem?

Remove my fear, lead me on.... May I walk in faith....

You Never Let Go....

The song is new to me this week, though the concept is not. It's essentially the 23rd Psalm modernized. As I sat with my mentor to translate the lyrics into American Sign Language, I was reminded of a conversation I'd had recently with a friend of mine. We were discussing the goings on in her life. Her 'storms'. I was also reminded of mine.

One line stuck with me, as I read and later listened:

"And even when I'm caught in the middle of the storms of this life, I won't turn back. I know You are near"

I am grateful for the moments of darkness - those trips through the valley - when I know, without a doubt, that He is near. Those journeys are never easy - but are so much more bearable feeling His presence.

Sometimes, it is in the midst of the storms that I am MORE aware of His presence... probably because I am actively searching for Him then.

It's the journeys that more mirror the Barlow Girl's song, Never Alone, that are more difficult. Those moments where I just want to run and hide. Please tell me when it's over! Those moments are captured in the chorus of their song:


"I cry out with no reply and
I can't feel You by my side
So I'll hold tight to what I know
You're here and I'm never alone."

In those times, the only thing that made me believe that God is near, was that I had been told that He is. Those moments are the tough ones. They are the ones that require faith. I thank those people who reminded me - again and again - of His ever-presence. The people who pointed Him out when I could not see. The people who restored my faith when I was in short supply. Thank you, thank you, thank you!

I have many of those "valley" experiences under my belt. Retrospectively, I've realized that no matter what I felt in the midst of it, He was there. He has Never Let Go. He will Never Let Go. That perspective builds my faith that in the present, or in the future, as I walk forth, He will be with me. I shall not fear.

Thank You, God, for Your ever-presence in my life. May I search for You "through the calm and through the storm". May those walking "through the valley of the shadow of death" feel your presence, and fear no evil.

You Never Let Go...

Amen.

Standing Firm in the Midst of the Storm

So... couldn't tell you what exactly is going on here... but something is....

I feel like I am the target of arrows coming in all directions. So, I am doing all that I know how to do. Standing firm, holding tight to the faith that I will not be abandoned in this storm. Wearing the full armor of God, and breathing...

Be near me, Oh God. Protect me and those I love from the onslaught. Heal those who are sick. Help us to fully realize Your peace in the midst of the storm.

Give me the strength and the courage I need to rely fully on You....

And, yes, I WILL praise You in this storm....

But as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away


I Will Praise You in this Storm ~~ Casting Crowns

Shifting the focus

I was feeling particularly unprepared to interpret. But, there I was, standing on the stage, struggling through, feeling completely inept and unqualified for the task at hand (no pun intended!)

Then, my focus shifts to the boy in the front row - to the Joy in my son, as he dances before God..... or perhaps it was the embarrassment, as he boogied up onto the stage to hug my left leg.

Either way, I noticed: When I shifted the focus off of my self - off of my own insecurities in my abilities, the signs come off my hands without a problem....

Thinking back to this day - which occurred over the summer- is a good reminder for me today. Sunday is quickly approaching, and I have no idea what the music will be. Talking about feeling "particularly unprepared to interpret". Usually, I have had a few days to review the music, and get it "into my body" and the lyrics onto my hands. Doesn't appear like that will occur this week.

Oh - did I mention that this week there is also a children's program, and they'll be rehearsing when the band usually does.

And, did I also mention that my mother is here from out of town. She's never seen me interpret before.... oh... no pressure...

I will say, though, I am pleased to realize that my first instinct is NOT to just dump it into the other interpreter's - the real interpreter's - lap. My first instinct is to pray over and over again, that there will be some music I *do* know.... and mostly, that I will be able to remove my Self from the equation, and fully rely on God.

Help me to remember... it's so not about me and what I can or cannot do....

It's all about You...

Show Up, Be Honest...Leave the Outcome to God

It had been a hard morning. I didn't feel very prepared to interpret. I had mixed feelings about handing part of my share of the interpreting to my mentor - in the form of a song. And, I was tired... very tired.

I got to rehearsal. Usual deal - I'm plugged into my ipod, practicing on the stage, while the band is getting set up. But, it was different. It felt different. I felt different.

I flipped through the music. One song was new to me. I copied the lyric sheet from the back up vocalist, and headed to the foot of the cross. I figured if there was any place to try to work it out, it was there.

I'd heard the chorus and a couple of the verses before, but never the second verse. I wasn't very familiar with the song, or the style of the substitute worship leader. It wasn't a song that "grabbed" me. By the time my mentor was there, I was willing to hand that song to her.

Anyone who has seen me interpret - and is able to see my feet - knows that I interpret in stocking feet. I love feeling the reverberations of the electric bass and the drums coming through the floor of the stage. It helps me "feel" the music. Helps the music get into my body.

I also love being at rehearsal, because I love feeling the presence of God up there. I love the fact that I can usually get through the emotions of the songs at rehearsal, and be dry-eyed during the service. (usually)

But... it was different. During the rehearsal, the vibrations in the stage were making my legs ache. Mid-thigh, both sides.... an ache to the bone. Much of the rehearsal I spent on the floor next to the stage.

It was different as well in the fact that my heart wasn't in it - whether it was tired, or uncertainty, or the non-stop aching, I don't know. Whenever there was an opportunity - between songs, during the instrumental portions, I'd look to the air vents and sign - "Help me feel You". "All-of-me need feel You". Later, at the foot of the cross, I'd sign "Help deaden the vibrations in my feet, open my heart, take me out and You come in..."

When my mentor arrived, I complained and complained.... begged for Motrin and signed "really, really need God help-me today". "He will" she signed back.

All that to say - it was a rough morning. Time for worship to begin. Music starts. First few songs, announcements, prayer. One more song, then we swap. "you next" I sign. My mentor nodded. The song ends, and goes directly into the next song. No time to swap interpreters. OK, so I guess this is my song too.... Fortunately, I knew the chorus, and it wasn't a fast song... and she could "feed" me the words I didn't know and couldn't hear.

Then, we switch places. My turn to sit and her turn to interpret. She'd start the sermon, and I'd pick it up with about 15 minutes to go, and close it out.

The pastor, now apparently used to us in training-mode, said "Now would be a good point to switch out..." She looked at me and signed "trade". During that time, the pastor had gone on to say we'd be going through lots and lots of scripture. Uh-ho... that meant lots of chapters and verses and numbers to keep straight - not to mention the content itself. We both froze for a minute.

"Scared" I signed. "me too" she signed back. "try..." I signed "You help me". As we traded places, she signed back "I don't know if I CAN help you".

There I stood - the most awful morning ever. Standing there, honest in my fear and in my total need for God-help-me. And I listened.... and I let my hands talk....about imputed righteousness, of all things.... I can't, He can.

Recalling that morning, I thought of a phrase my friend Karen had told me: "Show up, be honest and leave the outcome to God".

Amen and Amen.

My Story. Your Plan.

I heard a song today - I'm sure I've heard it before, but today it captured me. Well, at least a line of it did... so much so that I felt the need to write it down:

"Somehow my story is part of Your plan...."

That line has haunted me all afternoon. Tapping itself out in the back of my mind.... My story. Your plan. Your plan. My story. My story PART OF Your plan. Hmmm... YOUR plan. My story...

When I think of my story - past, present, future - as part of His plan... Wow. Gives it some perspective. Once again, it's so not about me. Humility. Being teachable. (Teach me...)

Then I think of how the events of my life thus far relate to what is going on NOW - the confirmations I am presented with again and again. Hearing the same thing being "said" to me in various ways from different sources, my attention focuses there. I try to figure out what it all means...try to find the lesson hidden in the themes and messages. The song continues, and I am assured that I don't have to have all the answers.

"I'm just one of the pieces. I can't put this together, but You can"

(Help me to simply listen, surrender, and obey.)

I think of the struggles I've had through the years, and the ones that pop up here and there. Some are harder than others. Some seem unbearable at times. The next line speaks the truth of my life experience, and brings hope and reassurance:

"Are You not the closest when it is hardest to stand?"

Those most difficult times are the times when I've seen Him most intimately involved in my life - not always IN THE MOMENT, but absolutely, retrospectively. (And, just so you know, those times where I've seen only retrospectively, I was focused elsewhere in the moment - usually on "poor pitiful me")

Listening to it again (and again) - I have it playing over and over as I write this - the phrase "Lord send me" is resonating now. That's it, isn't it.... "Lord send me".

I shudder as I think of the possibility of "having" to stand before God and my congregation and sign it one day. That is one powerful phrase. A powerful, powerful request. A complete act of surrender to His will. Add to it the signs of "All-of-me here", and it's life-changing. To actually live that out. To actually stand in that anointed spot and sing/sign "Here I am. Lord send me". I want that!

I am not standing in "that spot", nor am I standing before many. But before You, I stand and say: "Here I am. Lord send me"

Use my story as part of Your plan.



(The song is "Here I am" by Downhere, if you want to search them further.)

Oh heck... here are the lyrics (you can hear it - full length - on their website though! DO!!):



Here I am

Sometimes your calling, comes in dream
Sometimes in comes in the Spirit's breeze,
You reach for the deepest hope in me,
And call out for the things of eternity.

But I'm a man, of dust and stains,
You move in me, so I can say,

CHORUS:
Here I am, Lord send me,
All of my life, I make an offering,
Here I am, Lord send me,
Somehow my story, Is part of your plan,
Here I am

When setbacks and failures, and upset plans,
Test my faith and leave me with empty hands,
Are you not the closest when it's hardest to stand?
I know that you will finish what you began.
These broken parts you redeem,
Become the song, that I can sing

Here I am, Lord send me,
All of my life, I make an offering,
Here I am, Lord send me,
Somehow my story, Is part of your plan,
Here I am

Overwhelmed by the thought of my weakness,
And the fear that I'll fail you in the end,
In this mess, I'm just one of the pieces,
I can't put this together but you can.

Here I am, Lord send me,
I wanna live my life as an offering
Here I am, Lord send me,
Somehow my story, Is part of your plan,
Here I am
Here I am,
my life an offering to you, to you
Somehow my story, Is part of your plan,

Here I am

We Are Not Alone...

It's funny where the reminders come from. This week, it was Grey's Anatomy that sent the reminder: "We are not alone".

That truth has been a constant for me... no matter what is going on. No matter how dark the night seems, or how alone I feel - I've never been alone. Ever.

I've found comfort in that these past few weeks. The days when I'm not quite sure what is "going on", I find myself singing the words "Be near, oh God..." I know, as I continue to walk, as long as I listen and wait for His direction, I will be led.

"Be near, oh God"....

May I feel your presence, as I wait for You to make clear the path ahead.

"It's all good"

There is a woman in my life whom I really admire. Her motto "It's all good". More often than not, that is her response to any situation. Her optimism and enthusiasm for life and learning is contagious, and I am encouraged and restored when I have spent some time in her presence.

But, I struggled with that for a while ... sometimes I thought, "uhm... no, this kinda SUCKS". And then I thought back to the other times in my life that have "kinda sucked". With enough time and perspective, all the things that "sucked" turned out to be wonderful gifts. The event themselves, may not seem like a gift - especially not at the time - but some truly were, and others were indirectly. Others caused me enough pain to get off my duff and DO something different.

More often than not my moments of being "stalked" appear this way - difficult - though often with enough grace and support to keep me focused on walking through.

"It's all good". In every situation there is good. If it's not clearly evident, I need to keep walking on faith until I have enough distance and perspective to see it.

Thank you God for the good in my life... even that which is disguised as struggle.

"Not Working"

There are so many things swirling through my head – so many things that ‘aren’t working’, so it seems. Interesting. My perspective. “Not working”. Perhaps they are working just as they should and I just don’t understand it.

Perhaps the change that I feel swirling around me is working just exactly as it needs to. Perhaps the “not working” is a way of showing me that this door is closing. I don't know. The thing that I do know is whenever one door is closed, another one is opened.

Doesn't matter that God opened the door years ago exactly when I needed it! "For everything, there is a season...". Yeah - seems I just said that (oh yeah, I did).

Sometimes I find myself at closed doors wanting to scratch and claw and scream "But you don't understand how important this is to me!!" Ah, but He does. And then I remember all the other things that were "important" to me. The things that I held onto with every bit of strength within me. The things that I can't imagine still being in my life.

So, I try to knock gently against the doors, rather than force my way through. If they open, fabulous, if not, I must wait, be still and watch and wait for the new doors to open. I know they will. Maybe not instantaneously. Maybe they're already open, but I'm so focused on the apparently closing one to notice.

Trusting. Walking in faith. Knowing that if the door is truly closing, another one will open. Either way - open or closed - I will be cared for and loved. It will work for good. Of this I am certain.

Holding on to Faith and Gratitude

"Change is in the air" indeed. oh boy. Little did I know, I'd feel some of it so soon in MY life as well. (I should have known....but that's neither here nor there.) Two things have come up recently - well, really, it's the *same* thing, in two different places. And, when that happens, it really gets my attention...

So, I have spent a lot of time, as these things have unfolded, holding onto faith. I know - beyond a shadow of a doubt - that I will be cared for, loved and my needs met. But I have a love-hate relationship with change.

I love it in the fact that it means new growth and life in a new - and always better - way. But, I hate it because it means, well," change". That which I have known is passing. The rules change, and so do the outcomes.

I have been through "change" enough to know that it will all turn out well in the end, but that doesn't keep me from saying "I hate it!" in the process. So I hold onto faith as I await the unfolding of the events.

And as I hold tightly to faith, I am reminded of how much I have for which I am grateful. My family, our home, the fact that all of our needs have always been met. I have truly wonderful friends with whom I can share, and who love and support me. Blessing upon blessing have been poured over me. Love exists. Hope exists. Joy exists. And they all live here with me. What have I to fear? Nothing.

So, walk forth, I will.... strengthened in faith and overflowing with gratitude.

Colossians 2:5-8 (New International Version)

5For though I am absent from you in body, I am present with you in spirit and delight to see how orderly you are and how firm your faith in Christ is.

6So then, just as you received Christ Jesus as Lord, continue to live in him, 7rooted and built up in him, strengthened in the faith as you were taught, and overflowing with thankfulness.

8See to it that no one takes you captive through hollow and deceptive philosophy, which depends on human tradition and the basic principles of this world rather than on Christ.

Another Hallelujah!

So... for all of you who are wondering how things went at church - conveniently enough, I feel I need to share with you exactly what happened. (If you don't know what I'm talking about, read yesterday's post)

I woke up fairly rested - only two middle of the night interruptions. We got to the church for the band rehearsal. ipod in my ears, I stepped onto the stage to practice while the musicians were getting their cords and wires straightened out.

My son was needing frequent attention - and paper airplanes - but I pressed forth. Rehearsal with the band went OK. I still didn't *know* the songs to my level of comfort, but I continued. "Please, help me", I signed. "complete(ly) trust(ing) You today". Every chance I got "complete(ly) trust(ing) You today".

After the rehearsal, I went to the cross and offered my prayer - asking that God would open my heart, take my self out, and Him enter in. That He would help me to hear the words and understand the meanings, and that the right signs would come off my hands.

Just before the service, the worship team gathers to pray. The worship leader turn to his left and asked the man standing next to him to pray. Then, he turn to his right, and asked that I would pray along as well...a first. He's never asked that of me before. I nodded, knowing that all the practice and preparation would be beneficial - and that God would be with me.

I have got to say that the "low end" of the base reverberating in the floor of the stage, helps bring it home. The first song was full of energy - certainly more than I felt this morning. Announcements following the song, somehow came off my hands mostly right. More songs, prayers... Finally, the last song before the sermon.... the one that I had struggled with most - not that it was "hard", though it did have a line that made no sense in English, not to mention ASL. It just never seemed to come together at home.

As the intro began, I closed my eyes, and took a deep breath. Now was the time - My Self out, God in. "I love you, Lord with all my heart..." I didn't even let myself take a moment to celebrate that that first line came out right... press on... "... My heart and soul are praising, Hallelujah".

That's when the tears came. Lots and lots of tears. Ignore the tears... press on. The words of the worship leader through the instrumental portion of the song fly off my hands. The song continues. Second verse. "...All that I can say is Hallelujah". I'm aware that I have signed "must cry out hallelujah". Powerfully. So true for me at that moment. There is nothing else to say.

The tears have made their way down my cheeks, over my jawline, down my neck reaching the center of my chest. Briefly, I wonder how many people in the congregation can see the light reflecting off the streams of wetness on my face. Doesn't matter.

I have been met. I have surrendered and trusted. He has been faithful. Again, and again.


(... and the song was awesome...He SOOO had my hands.)

His Presence in the Darkness

Life has some "dark" times. There are sorrows and pains that inevitably accompany the joys of everyday life. Life changes, people change. We find ourselves in situations we never anticipated and certainly never wished for. We are forced to "grieve the loss" - of people, of our plans, and of our hopes and dreams. We are forced to face the unknown.

For me, the unknown is one of those "dark" places. Being forced to walk on faith as I see things changing around me is not always easy. When I feel the gentle nudge to step forward into the unknown, my first instinct is to stop.

Fortunately, I have been encouraged, time and time again, to step forth.... into the darkness, into the unknown. Sure, there are still times when I want to turn and run the other direction, but I have been taught to stand on faith and move forward. So, I close my eyes, take a good deep breath, and pray, pray, pray.

It takes courage. Initially, I was mistaken about courage. I thought courage was the absence of fear. Then I learned that courage is "fear that has said it's prayers". I also learned that sometimes I must "do it afraid".

But, time and time again, as I "do it afraid", I have experienced one undeniable truth. No matter how dark it seems, or how much I fear the unknown, ...or the pain: When I walk out on Faith, I am never walking alone.


"Yea, though I walk through the shadow of the valley of death, I will fear no evil; For Thou art with me" Ps 23:4

Facing the Music

So, you should have seen me after church on Sunday afternoon. There I was "Tending the Earth", and I just started shaking my head, and laughing quietly to myself. I had been thinking of the events of the morning; that bridge still running through my head. "Lift up your head, oh, oh, oh, Lift up your head, Look on Him...". Then the thought of the video recorder, and YouTube. I don't care much for pictures, and video, in my opinion, is even worse. Yes, it's wonderful for kids and cute animal things, but for ME... uhm... no, thank you. It's too..... honest.

THAT's when I start laughing and shaking my head. Hadn't I just written the other day about how I didn't always LIKE honesty, but I needed to walk toward the truth. *sigh*. Well, here we go.

My mentor and I have discussed using video tape as a means of objective feedback for our interpreting. We could sit and watch together, critiquing as we went along. I like the concept. I think it would be beneficial. Yet, we've both drug our feet in the implementation of it. I think He may be telling us it's time to do exactly that.

But.... YouTube? Don't get me wrong, I like YouTube, but... there is something disconcerting about knowing that my mistakes are going to be "out there" visible to God-only-knows how many people. It's... well, very humbling. "Another opportunity to embrace my imperfections", I suppose. A chance to let go of my pride and admit to the world, that yes, I am human. I do make mistakes.

It's also an opportunity to learn - for that I am grateful. It's an opportunity to walk toward the Truth... as much as I'd like to pretend the video tape didn't exist.

Yes, I could have kept this under wraps - my 'little secret'. But I have learned (the hard way!) that keeping secrets, and hiding myself from the world is not in my best interests. And, I have friends who I'm sure would have discovered it, and confronted me with the fact that I hadn't shared. The joys of being loved.

It's time to face the music,... and the honesty of a video camera. How appropriate the words... "Lift up your head, oh, oh, oh, Lift up your head...." I so don't want to look.

So, today, I am walking on faith that my fear of facing the truth is worse than actually walking through it. I guess I'll know for sure once the video is published and "out there".

"....oh, oh, oh, Lift up your head, Look on Him..."