New Blooms

There are a couple of new blooms around lately. The peony that I transferred from the married house to this one, five years ago, has bloomed for the first time. I remember it being a dark pink there. In this yard, it is pale pink - beautiful nonetheless.

And then there is this flower.

Honestly, this one surprised me. It's been with me for a while, but never anything but green. Well, except for the last time I saw it in bloom. When I bought it. April 1999. It sat on the altar when we were married. Since then... nothing... til now.

2010 sure has been a curious year.

Times are Changing

I'm beginning to notice it. Times are changing. I'm noticing it in the day to day, and in the unpredicted surprises that have been arriving in my life. The days are longer, the breeze is warmer. I find myself lingering on my deck in the evenings, and making it out there before waking the kids in the mornings.

The humming bird feeder is hung, and I wait expectantly for them to arrive. Spring continues to bloom in great splendor! Yet, even some of the "expected" things are different.

The irises were moved along the fence line last fall, after the dog came to join the family. When I transplanted them, I remembered them being purple, maybe one or two "different" colors, but certainly not yellow. Not only are there yellow ones, but they are PRIMARILY yellow, plentiful, and TALL.

Inside my house, "stuff" I have held onto is leaving and furniture is being rearranged. I am sure that there is some sort of parallel within my self that I am not yet fully aware of. No doubt, my behavior gives me away....

Soon, school will be out. The kids are looking forward to a later bedtime - I am looking forward to "no alarm clock" mornings! Some of our activities will be the same this year - our annual trek to Massachusetts and Maine, for example. Some are brand new. And some of the old activities - like days at the local Y pool - have new rules.

It's ever changing. That's a good thing. It allows growth. It keeps things fresh. It keeps me from getting set in a rut of life. It keeps me looking to God for direction on the next right thing to do.

So, here I am, looking and waiting for more to be revealed. I have a sense that some of the changes are as inevitable as the seasons. May I be as willing to grow and bloom as the flowers of the field.

May I also be as accepting of the gifts that are being brought my way as I was with the Easter flowers. I might even learn that there is beauty and joy in things that I have avoided thus far.... like petunias. Who knew that in a pot by my new sitting area, they are not nearly as ugly as I had imagined.

Open my heart, Lord.... Give me eyes to see....

Cleaning House

There is no denying it. I have TOO MUCH STUFF.... and it's pretty darn close to driving me completely out of my tree.

My kitchen is cluttered, my bedroom in cluttered, my garage is cluttered, my shed is cluttered, my inboxes (yes, pleural) are stuffed with messages that can be deleted. My schedule is improving... YES!

Fortunately, the POD has arrived at church and I can begin the process of moving the boxes I've packed for the yard sale OUT of my house!

YES! There is hope.... now all I need is for the "throw it out" mood to continue and about three days of uninterrupted time.

Look out closets, here I come!!

The Winds of Change...

I'm beginning to see some changes.... in my life and in the lives of those I love. Perspectives, attitudes, actions. All beginning to change course.

Some feel like the direct answer to prayer, and others feel like the sometimes-gentle-sometimes-not-so-gentle proddings as God encourages us to move forward. Let go of the past hurts and habits and move into a new future. Winter is over - Spring has come! Let it go!

The windows are still open, and the spring breeze is still welcome and stirring in my home. As I sit here, the rain begins gently tapping on the roof. I think back to when I invited the Winds of change into my heart - how soon it comes! I expect there will be tears that will accompany the internal stirring.... some grief, some joy.

But, like the spring rains, it will prepare the soil for new growth. Life will come forth abundantly, as the harshness of the winter dissipates.

It is an exciting time. I will watch for signs of life in my family, friends and self, just as I search the trees for swelling buds. It is coming... it is coming!

"I came that they may have life and have it abundantly." John 10:10

Believing is Just the Beginning...

I was picking up some scattered trash, after the kids had addressed their valentines. My boy-child had picked Spiderman, and my girl-child, fairies. They had written their "to"s and the "from"s, had put them in their backpacks, and I had put the extras away (for next year, perhaps!).

I was onto the next task - cleaning the kitchen. When I saw it, I paused. I didn't recognize it at first. I just read it. "....Believing is just the beginning...." "Whoa," I thought, "ain't THAT the truth!" I picked up the piece of cardboard and tried to figure out it's origins. Then, I knew - the fairy valentine box.

It's interesting to me the places that I find these bits of Truth. I certainly never thought it would be on a box of valentines. The phrase stuck with me all day.

I thought back through my own spiritual walk. It did begin with believing.... Believing and accepting were just the start...and then it kept on going. There the work began. Fortunately, it was also where the joy was realized, and I found some peace. Hope and life were renewed.

Through the years, my relationship with God has continued to evolve - moment by moment, day by day, year by year. It deepens, it becomes more and more real. It blows my mind, and it continues to examine my heart and it's outward expression in the choices in my life.

Thank You, God for nudging me along, for loving me here, now, and of course, for Your ever-present "stalking" in my life.

A Song, A Dance, and A Sign...

"Watch me, Mommy!", she said. "I made up movements for my song". She is learning to sing the song "Breakaway". I'd never heard it before.

It's a song about a girl feeling stuck in her small town. "I'll spread my wings and I'll learn how to fly," she sings. She spends the song dreaming and praying of what she'll do when she is able to "break away".

As my daughter sings those lines, she leaps and flaps her wings, as only little girls can do. She sways, she twirls, she reaches for the sky.

The lyrics remind me of my youth. It also reminded me that my little girl is growing up - fast! Before I know it, she'll be a grown woman, moving into her own life. Assuming we both survive her adolescent years, that is...

The fact that she'll be spending the next few years testing her wings and will one day fly away caused me to pause. I know she, like me, will move into her own life. As it should be.

The thing that caught me off guard. She incorporated some American Sign Language that I didn't know she knew. Each time she sang the words "break away", she signed 'disconnect'. They really do watch every moment, don't they.

May I be a woman worthy of small eyes watching. May I remember how quickly the years fly by and cherish every moment. May I remember that her 'disconnect' as she grows is what she is meant to do. May I give her roots, but allow her her wings. Watch over us all as we grow.

Moments of Gratitude: Honest Conversation

I am continually amazed at how God works in my life. How people show up just when I need them to, or bring up something that they need to talk through...and happen to invite me to the task of listening and responding.

With those people the rules for conversing include:

"I will speak the truth, even though you may not want to hear it"
"I will speak lovingly"
"I will hold up mirrors and help you see what you are projecting to the world"
"I will ask questions and challenge you to work through it"
"I will not betray your trust"
"I will laugh with you, but not at you"
"I will hold the space and honor your pain and your sorrow".

With these people, I can discuss freely, and know that I will hear honestly what they see in a situation where I may be blinded. Following such a conversation, I realize again and again, what a true gift of friendship and of love honest conversation is.

Often, in the midst of such a conversation - one where I am holding mirrors, providing feedback and helping to 'process' - I am reminded of something that I need to hear. Ironically enough, out of my own mouth.

In helping and loving another, I am helped and loved in return.

Thank you God for honest conversation.

House Revisited

"Hey Honey", he said. "Hi", I replied. "Don't worry, I managed to get the fireplace lit this year, but you had some pictures delivered here, Honey..." "Pictures?" "Well... sure looks like pictures..." He read the company name and described their mailing envelope. Hmm.... Interesting. I haven't mailed film to be developed in a long, long time... I'm digital now. I upload pictures to be developed. Yet, I was curious to see what pictures there were. I hadn't lived in that house in nearly 3 years, and I've been digital about that long as well.

So, on my way home from work, I headed to the old house. My "married" house. It's only about five or six miles from my new house, but it's a totally different exit off of the interstate. I drove down the winding country road, and then down to the end of the street.

The fence was the first thing that struck my eye - I remembered tearing the old one down, and putting this new one up. I noticed the lavender was doing well. Down toward the gate, I walked. I'd been to the house since I'd moved. The past two winters, I'd helped him light the gas fireplace - taught him to find the 'sweet spot' that allowed the pilot to light the burner. I'd seen some of the changes in the house - it really looks beautiful! These owners love that house as much as I enjoyed it... and I love that!

At the edge of the driveway, I noticed the new steps - real terracing down the hill. I remember how they have expanded the deck and put in new steps and planters. I see the garden areas I initiated have been continued and improved.

I chatted with the new owner for an hour or so - me sharing some of the history that I know of the house and the land, him catching me up on the goings on since I've been gone. We talked about the hostas - originally from my mother's - or perhaps grandmother's garden, the trillium that I pulled from out of the woods, into the front garden. The lillies, the clematis, the bridal wreath spirea, the daffodils transplanted with me from "the womb house", all doing well.

All of us... all of them... all doing well.

Thank you God for the opportunity to return to previous places that have held meaning. For the opportunity to see growth through the years.

Oh... and the pictures... They were from my grandparent's 60th anniversary party.... years and years ago... lost in limbo, and now returned to me.

Just Because I Can....

I was thinking today at work of all the times I've wanted to tell my patients - or my children - "Just because you CAN doesn't mean you SHOULD"... I mean, just because you CAN be pulled behind a pickup truck in an office chair during a snowstorm, doesn't mean you SHOULD... Just because I CAN max out my credit card doesn't mean I SHOULD... The examples of such irresponsibility are endless.

Well... the flip side never occurred to me, until tonight... I was at the grocery store, doing one of the tasks on the never-ending to-do list. I was walking through Wal*mart, with my ipod in my ears - music to interpret for church playing. I still hadn't really prepared for it - though most of the songs I know. My mentor had said that I could hand a song or two to her if I needed to. I thought to myself, "Oh, I can do it...." as I mentally tried to calculate the time I'd need to set my alarm clock in the morning to allow time to do the things I'd need to do to do it.

And then, clear as day, I hear the words I'd spoken earlier in the day: "Just because you CAN, doesn't mean you SHOULD". I thought about that for a while. Hmmm... Guilty as charged.

Just because I CAN do something by myself doesn't mean I SHOULD. Just because I CAN care for two infants by myself doesn't mean I SHOULD. Just because I CAN stay up and tick off the items on the to do list one by one, doesn't mean I SHOULD...

Lord, help me to know when I SHOULD... and perhaps, more importantly, help me to know when I should allow others to help me.

"It's all good"

There is a woman in my life whom I really admire. Her motto "It's all good". More often than not, that is her response to any situation. Her optimism and enthusiasm for life and learning is contagious, and I am encouraged and restored when I have spent some time in her presence.

But, I struggled with that for a while ... sometimes I thought, "uhm... no, this kinda SUCKS". And then I thought back to the other times in my life that have "kinda sucked". With enough time and perspective, all the things that "sucked" turned out to be wonderful gifts. The event themselves, may not seem like a gift - especially not at the time - but some truly were, and others were indirectly. Others caused me enough pain to get off my duff and DO something different.

More often than not my moments of being "stalked" appear this way - difficult - though often with enough grace and support to keep me focused on walking through.

"It's all good". In every situation there is good. If it's not clearly evident, I need to keep walking on faith until I have enough distance and perspective to see it.

Thank you God for the good in my life... even that which is disguised as struggle.

Holding on to Faith and Gratitude

"Change is in the air" indeed. oh boy. Little did I know, I'd feel some of it so soon in MY life as well. (I should have known....but that's neither here nor there.) Two things have come up recently - well, really, it's the *same* thing, in two different places. And, when that happens, it really gets my attention...

So, I have spent a lot of time, as these things have unfolded, holding onto faith. I know - beyond a shadow of a doubt - that I will be cared for, loved and my needs met. But I have a love-hate relationship with change.

I love it in the fact that it means new growth and life in a new - and always better - way. But, I hate it because it means, well," change". That which I have known is passing. The rules change, and so do the outcomes.

I have been through "change" enough to know that it will all turn out well in the end, but that doesn't keep me from saying "I hate it!" in the process. So I hold onto faith as I await the unfolding of the events.

And as I hold tightly to faith, I am reminded of how much I have for which I am grateful. My family, our home, the fact that all of our needs have always been met. I have truly wonderful friends with whom I can share, and who love and support me. Blessing upon blessing have been poured over me. Love exists. Hope exists. Joy exists. And they all live here with me. What have I to fear? Nothing.

So, walk forth, I will.... strengthened in faith and overflowing with gratitude.

Colossians 2:5-8 (New International Version)

5For though I am absent from you in body, I am present with you in spirit and delight to see how orderly you are and how firm your faith in Christ is.

6So then, just as you received Christ Jesus as Lord, continue to live in him, 7rooted and built up in him, strengthened in the faith as you were taught, and overflowing with thankfulness.

8See to it that no one takes you captive through hollow and deceptive philosophy, which depends on human tradition and the basic principles of this world rather than on Christ.

Beauty for Ashes

It was during a period of time when God was actively working on healing my heart that I first heard the song by Shane Barnard, "Beauty for Ashes". "How perfect", I thought - that had become somewhat of a "catch phrase" in my life - a recurrent theme, for sure!

Time after time, when I thought no possible good could come from the ashes that surrounded me, I was amazed and awed at how God restored beauty. The times when I thought my pain and mourning would never end, I found Joy. My burdens were lifted and became reasons to praise!

I picked up the lyric sheet, and sat down with my interpreting mentor. We would sit and translate the English to ASL - American Sign Language. Then I'd go home and practice before the worship service on Sunday morning. I started to read:

"Beauty for Ashes.... a garment of praise for my heaviness..."

Hmmm... "What does it mean?" she asked me. "Well, my "heaviness" is my burdens... they become praise." I said, cautiously. "Exactly," she said. I jotted that down, so I'd remember.

The next line stopped me in my tracks:

"Beauty for Ashes.... take this heart of stone, and make it Yours."

Heart of *stone*? Ouch. Conviction there. I had just finished reading the book "Redeeming Love" by Francine Rivers. Although my life had been very different from the main character, Angel - a prostitute - I could identify the same wall of protection she had constructed around her heart, surrounding mine. A "heart of stone". It was at this point I began to fear this song, just a little. I knew it was going to speak to me powerfully, and perhaps be (somewhat) life-changing.



"Trading all that I am for all that is better."


Oh! WOW!! What a great line. Let's see in ASL, I would sign "All-of-me surrender. Grace pour-down-on-me". Little did I know how those gentle sweeping motions would make my heart pause, and tears stream down my face.

I found that out (repeatedly) in the privacy of my own home.... and again at the rehearsal Sunday morning....and again during the worship service itself.

Wiping the tears from my eyes, I realized: this song had changed me. Standing in our anointed place, at the corner of the stage, offering up my prayer - with voice and hands and soul - had changed me. "Take this heart of stone, and make it Yours". The "walls of protection", now cracked and crumbling, left me feeling exposed and vulnerable. Yet, I knew, the mourning would turn to Joy, and the burdens to praise.

Even now, when I hear that song, my heart aches. It pauses and longs for the signs to come forth - "Surrender", and "Grace" and "Connect-my-heart-to-God". My heart knows what it wants - what it needs. "Surrender". "Grace". "Connect-my-heart-to-God"

Beauty for Ashes,... again, and again, and again....

Thank You, God...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"To appoint unto them that mourn in Zion, to give unto them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; that they might be called trees of righteousness, the planting of the Lord, that he might be glorified."—Isaiah 61:3

Life in the Fast Lane...

This thought came to me as I was - sadly enough - at the drive-thru of McDonald's after work this week: "Why is it that I settle for this?" It's not really what I want. It's not at all healthy for me. So why am I here?

It is "convenient". Convenient? Is it worth the "convenience"? I don't know. (which in this case means: "No, but I'm not willing to admit that yet!") *sigh*

I broaden that thought and wonder what other things I "settle" for in the name of "convenience". What things I do simply because I can? What things do I gather into my life simply because they are there for the taking? I know that things of value take time and effort - preparing meals, tending gardens, building and maintaining relationships, just to name a few! I know that not all things that are out there "for the taking" bring value to my life, or glory to God. Some days are easier to put effort into than others. Some things are easier left behind than others. Some concepts are easier to grasp than others.

I think back to when bottled water was new on the market. I was outraged - a DOLLAR for a bottle of water? NO WAY was I paying THAT!! Instead, I'd pay $1.29 for a diet coke that I didn't really want. What I wanted was water. But, my perception of what was reasonable, was skewed. (oh how stupid I felt when I realized what I was doing!!)

Along the same lines, but with a little different twist - I wonder how many times the phrase from the song "Hold me Jesus" is true in my life. "I'd rather fight you for something I don't really want, than take what you give that I need" I wonder how often I refuse to let go of something that is ultimately making my life more difficult to maintain the illusion of "control".

I am sure I would be astounded to find out how much time I would have if I would let go of some of those things. Things that I do, simply because I can, rather than because I should. Time - precious time. Time I could use to be still. To simply be. To do things that I enjoy. Freeing my life up of the 'conveniences' to savor the delicacies of life... wow. What a concept!

There is a feast set before me! How often do I choose "fast food" because I am too impatient to wait for God's preparations to be complete? How often do I overlook the abundance waiting for me because my gaze is focused on that which I am holding tightly in my grasp? How often to I fill my life up with stuff simply to have it? When will I learn?

Tending the Earth

One of the things I most love to do - especially on these beautiful autumn days - is "Tending the Earth". I love the creative process of planning and setting up a garden; then watching it grow, develop and transform with each season. This time of year, I'm pruning, mulching and preparing for Winter's rest. (And establishing a new border in the process...)

Today's primary goal was putting the hosta into the ground. When the dog obtained rights to the fenced in portion of the back yard this spring, there were two choices - put the hosta in pots for the summer, or let them be trampled by a quickly growing puppy. I chose the former. When I dug them up, I didn't know where their final destination would be, so into pots they went.

They came to me from my mother's property in Massachusetts - and likely arrived there from my Grandmother's home in Virginia. They spent some time in the ground in our previous yard, and then moved with us to our current home. This year, they have thrived, bloomed and produced seeds. (Which I scattered beside them in their new border beneath the pine trees).

Second on the project list was pruning the Rose of Sharon. Heavy with seed pods, the branches leaned nearly to the ground. As I trimmed their edges, they straightened. The pods were then scattered behind the row of recent yearling transplants. With any luck, some of the hundreds of seeds will develop into a thickly flowered hedge.

Final project on today's list: weeding the driveway. I love the mindless task of weeding: Especially in areas where it truly is mindless - like on my gravel driveway. If it's in the gravel and it's green, I can pull it. Yes, I know I could buy some spray that would kill all the life among the stone, but I have way too many issues with widespread distribution of toxic chemicals. Besides, it's one of those places where I find God...

There is something about having my hands in the dirt, or handling these great creations - plants - that captivates me. The thing about plants: they trust. They know their purpose: Grow, bloom, seed, prepare to rest. Even the crabgrass knows it's purpose - TAKE OVER - and it does so with abandon! It doesn't question: "here?" It grows. (and grows and grows....)

The other thing I love about "Tending the Earth": it invites silence and quiets the mind. The "Ever-loving To Do List" is temporarily set aside in my head. I take time to pray, and I take time to listen. I notice the birds in the trees, the sun on my back and the wind on my face.

I notice the thoughts that pop into my brain. Some meander in, and pass right through. Others enter dramatically and demand attention. Without the usual background "noise", it's easier to decipher the messages in their urgency. Once decoded they can be brought before God, and the healing can begin.

It seems like nothing more than digging and planting and just plain hard work. But, for me, "Tending the Earth" is a time and a place for me to be with God. It is a place for me to grow.