A Sweet Summarization

I hesitate to write this, on one hand, because I know that mere words will not be able to capture the depth of emotion that accompanied this morning's worship with my friends of Mosaic.

I must admit, it started long before I arrived at church. Before dawn, a storm moved through, waking me with it's intensity. Awakened, I checked my "daily verse" app on my phone:

"Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light to my path" ~Psalm 119:105

I thought of how true that had been for me - ESPECIALLY this past week. The scripture that had been sent to me - in texts, in emails, and on my daily verse app - and those that I had dug for myself, had truly lit my path this week.

I rolled over until my alarm started sounding to a local christian music station. Occasionally, I'd listen a little before I hit the "snooze". One moment I remembered - "... the Sunday praise word for today is "hope" ." I laughed. Of course it is!

I headed to church, and as Mosaic set up and sound-checked, I flipped through my bible, recalling the adventures we'd been on together this week: Struggles and thoughts on surrender, and moments sitting on a footbridge, resetting my internal compass. Daring to dream of opportunities to sit at His feet and take it all in - and experiencing a few moments that felt as I imagine it would to truly live a John 12:3 moment as Mary did with Jesus, himself.

It was in that frame of mind that we started the service. As they sang, and spoke, and told stories of the verses of scripture that inspired their music, I was amazed. In my bible, I flipped from verse to verse, aware of the parallels between what I had been shown throughout the week, to what I was hearing now. Some were identical, some were expository.

Most of the service, I felt as if He and I were sitting side by side, recapping our most recent journey - laughing together and crying together. There were moments of conviction, but mostly sweet, sweet peace.

"Return to Me..." He spoke - and they sang. For "my people are bent on turning away from me"... "Return o faithless children....." I will contend until you are free...

~~~~~~~~~
My people are bent on turning away from me ~ Hosea 11:7

Jeremiah 3:12-14; 22

“‘Return, faithless Israel,
declares the Lord.
I will not look on you in anger,
for I am merciful,
declares the Lord;
I will not be angry forever.
13 Only acknowledge your guilt,
that you rebelled against the Lord your God
and scattered your favors among foreigners under every green tree,
and that you have not obeyed my voice,
declares the Lord.
14 Return, O faithless children,
declares the Lord;
for I am your master;
I will take you, one from a city and two from a family,
and I will bring you to Zion.

22 “Return, O faithless sons;
I will heal your faithlessness.”

Show Up, Be Honest...Leave the Outcome to God

It had been a hard morning. I didn't feel very prepared to interpret. I had mixed feelings about handing part of my share of the interpreting to my mentor - in the form of a song. And, I was tired... very tired.

I got to rehearsal. Usual deal - I'm plugged into my ipod, practicing on the stage, while the band is getting set up. But, it was different. It felt different. I felt different.

I flipped through the music. One song was new to me. I copied the lyric sheet from the back up vocalist, and headed to the foot of the cross. I figured if there was any place to try to work it out, it was there.

I'd heard the chorus and a couple of the verses before, but never the second verse. I wasn't very familiar with the song, or the style of the substitute worship leader. It wasn't a song that "grabbed" me. By the time my mentor was there, I was willing to hand that song to her.

Anyone who has seen me interpret - and is able to see my feet - knows that I interpret in stocking feet. I love feeling the reverberations of the electric bass and the drums coming through the floor of the stage. It helps me "feel" the music. Helps the music get into my body.

I also love being at rehearsal, because I love feeling the presence of God up there. I love the fact that I can usually get through the emotions of the songs at rehearsal, and be dry-eyed during the service. (usually)

But... it was different. During the rehearsal, the vibrations in the stage were making my legs ache. Mid-thigh, both sides.... an ache to the bone. Much of the rehearsal I spent on the floor next to the stage.

It was different as well in the fact that my heart wasn't in it - whether it was tired, or uncertainty, or the non-stop aching, I don't know. Whenever there was an opportunity - between songs, during the instrumental portions, I'd look to the air vents and sign - "Help me feel You". "All-of-me need feel You". Later, at the foot of the cross, I'd sign "Help deaden the vibrations in my feet, open my heart, take me out and You come in..."

When my mentor arrived, I complained and complained.... begged for Motrin and signed "really, really need God help-me today". "He will" she signed back.

All that to say - it was a rough morning. Time for worship to begin. Music starts. First few songs, announcements, prayer. One more song, then we swap. "you next" I sign. My mentor nodded. The song ends, and goes directly into the next song. No time to swap interpreters. OK, so I guess this is my song too.... Fortunately, I knew the chorus, and it wasn't a fast song... and she could "feed" me the words I didn't know and couldn't hear.

Then, we switch places. My turn to sit and her turn to interpret. She'd start the sermon, and I'd pick it up with about 15 minutes to go, and close it out.

The pastor, now apparently used to us in training-mode, said "Now would be a good point to switch out..." She looked at me and signed "trade". During that time, the pastor had gone on to say we'd be going through lots and lots of scripture. Uh-ho... that meant lots of chapters and verses and numbers to keep straight - not to mention the content itself. We both froze for a minute.

"Scared" I signed. "me too" she signed back. "try..." I signed "You help me". As we traded places, she signed back "I don't know if I CAN help you".

There I stood - the most awful morning ever. Standing there, honest in my fear and in my total need for God-help-me. And I listened.... and I let my hands talk....about imputed righteousness, of all things.... I can't, He can.

Recalling that morning, I thought of a phrase my friend Karen had told me: "Show up, be honest and leave the outcome to God".

Amen and Amen.

Thus Far

The night that crisis hit my marriage, I lay in the bed and prayed. I prayed that whatever needed to happen, happened - "fast and furious!" Over and over again, I prayed - "fast and furious, Lord, fast and furious!"

Careful what you pray for!

The next morning, I joined my Women's Bible Study group to continue Beth Moore's "Believing God". Beth had a way of speaking to me, and though I didn't know it yet, God was working overtime in my life.

Beth was telling the story of the Israelites hauling stones out of the Jordan River as they escaped Egypt, and of Samuel, after the defeat of the Philistines, raising a stone to symbolize - in Beth's words - "We have no idea where we're going from here, but THUS FAR, God has been with us"

The dam broke, and my tears poured out. I shared with them the story of the previous night. They circled around me, prayed over me, prayed for me, my marriage, my children...

And in that moment, the truth of the saying "when God is all you have, you realize God is all you need" moved from my head to my heart. The series of events that had led me to this group of women, that had re-established my connection with God, fell into place. The puzzle pieces fit.

I could appreciate - to the best of my human ability - the work that had been done (by God!) in my life through the previous years for this moment in time. To be surrounded by a group of godly women, to have met God in the stillness of the yoga mat, to have restored my belief in the power of prayer, and the benevolence and omnipotence of God Himself.

I had no idea where I was going from there - but of one thing I was certain: "THUS FAR God had been with me"

Love Never Ends....

It had been a difficult year. One of the most influential "teachers" in my life had died suddenly, leaving me feeling very lost and alone. No one to hold up the "mirror", gently stand beside me and say "look". Yet I remembered how, again and again, she had told me she loved me, and that she'd always be with me.

I had muddled my way through my grief. Now, a year later, my father had died. As I stood weeping in the shower, after hearing the news, I realized how blessed I had been. I was overcome with peace. Trivialities of family life, gone, I considered my mother's question to me that morning: "Would you like to speak at the funeral?"

Hmmmm. As I stood there, water pouring down, I was showered with memories of things I had learned from my father. Suddenly, all the rules I had rolled my eyes at as a child, held great wisdom. I realized that the challenges that lay before us are not the handicap; surrendering hope, ability and perseverance to your 'difference' is. I compiled the list, and shared these truths at his memorial service. (He'd have liked that!)

I realized that my father loves me - present tense. Though his body is no longer with us, the love that he gave throughout the years remains.

Returning home to New England for the funeral, I pressed my face against the cool glass of the airplane window and looked out over the darkening sky. I could almost hear my friend, Karen laugh and say to me, "I TOLD you I would always love you."

Within my finite human experience, I was beginning to understand the verse, "Love Never Ends".

Meeting on the mat

It was that period of time between the death of my dear friend, Karen and the death of my father. I had "some how" (thank you, God!) arrived in a yoga class at our local YMCA. I couldn't tell you much about that first class aside from the Gentle Voice Within SCREAMING at me: "This is IMPORTANT! LISTEN!! PAY ATTENTION!!!". I recognized that feeling within me now - a new "teacher" stood before me.

Week after week, I felt as if she had been following me - "stalking" me - for she spoke my truth. She provided answers to my unspoken questions (thank you, God, for the way You speak to me through the people You bring into my life!!).

I learned many things in that class: most importantly, I learned to breathe and I learned how to be still - physically and mentally. As I experienced moments of stillness, I realized - God was meeting me there on the yoga mat.

When we would move into camel pose - with the heart open wide to the heavens - I would spill the tears I'd hidden deep within my heart, then collapse into child's pose... God was there, with me on the yoga mat, catching my tears, healing my brokenness and my pain.

Be still.... He says.... Be Still and Know...