The Peace in the Chaos

Driving home from my MMA training, I heard a song on the radio that perfectly describes how I feel when God is working in my life.

The chorus begins: "Whatever You're doing, inside of me, it feels like chaos, but somehow there's peace."

And that's it. That describes it.

I just feel Him moving. Doing "something" inside of me. I often don't have a clue until much later in the game. Sometimes it's not until the process is complete that I can see retrospectively what He has accomplished.

In the midst of it - and at the beginning, especially - it feels chaotic. "Something" has been shaken loose, or knocked out of place. Perhaps a light has been shown on an area of my life that previously has been in the dark and unnoticed.

Perhaps there is a loss - or a healing - and what was previously known as the status quo is all discombobulated. There is chaos.

Yet, still, as I step out - sometimes into the midst of the storm, it seems - there is peace.

I know You will never lead me where Your grace and protection cannot keep me. So I continue to step out on faith and trust.

Maybe, though, I could step out next time without so much delay.

"Whatever You're doing, inside of me, it feels like chaos, but somehow there's peace...."

What are you pretending not to know....?

Saturday was a dream day. It was the first official day of Spring Break. The first day on the calendar with nothing written on it. It was a "no alarm clock" kinda day! Ahhhh....YES!

I took full advantage of the ability to sleep in! When I awoke, the kids had situated themselves in front of the TV and computer and were ever so proud of obeying the "don't wake up mom" rule! I took time to make them french toast for breakfast, and set some eggs in to hard-boil. As I was cooking, I was very aware of the feeling growing inside me. "Clean. Sort. Discard."

Oh yes - it would be one of THOSE days! THAT was good, I really needed one! On and around my desk are typically stacks of papers - mostly needing filing, or having something that I need to refer back to, or transcribe elsewhere. There are scattered, partially completed, "to do" lists (written on index cards), and other miscellaneous things that either need a home, or need to be returned to their home ("when I get time").

I sat with the first pile. Toss. Toss. Save. File. Toss. Shred. Toss. Oh yes! LOVING it. I was nearly dancing inside! There is hope - my ever-running brain will feel a little less scattered! Files were created, papers were filed. WOW. Looks good! Feels wonderful!! Order. Peace.

And then my eye caught some words on a group of papers tucked into the organizer at the back of my desk. They've been there for a while (like months). As I go through life, and find a quote that I like, or "gets me", or I have an idea for a blog topic, I write it down. In a "free moment", I transcribe the quotes into a notebook that I have for exactly that purpose. I've sat, looking at these papers frequently - multiple times a day - for months. Today, my brain connects the letters into a complete thought.

"What are you pretending not to know?" Oh boy. I look away. I try to get back to the papers I'm going through, but this phrase becomes an object at which I don't want to look, but I can't help but stare! "What are you pretending not to know?" (look away! look away!)

I think for a minute... I don't know....

....I have the feeling I'm going to be shown...

God, be with me...

Living Deadline to Deadline

There is something a little disconcerting about living paycheck to paycheck, or deadline to deadline. I am one who considers myself a "planner". People say I'm "organized", and multi-task well. Generally, I'd agree with them, but the past six months or so, I feel like I've been living deadline to deadline. Things are getting done, but just under the wire.

I like to start a project when I get it. I like to have a time line in place - it doesn't have to be in stone (any more), but I like to have it established at least generally speaking. And I like to have time scheduled for the unexpected.

And that is where I struggle with the "deadline to deadline" living. It's the same as paycheck to paycheck living. As soon as I feel I'm getting caught up, something else shows up requiring my time or money.

I spent my Saturday night doing the finishing touches of consignment sale tagging. I finished well after bedtime - and certainly after "winding down" time. But, I think... I truly think... that's it for a while.

I'd have to check the calendar to be sure, but I think the next "deadline" I have is my Aunt's birthday in 10 days. I just need to shop for a gift and a card, and send it on it's way. Oh yeah, and renew my massage therapy certification. Piece of cake.

I will take a day (or two) to rest, and be still, spend some time on my bible study, hang out with my kids - maybe even take a nap! By then, spring should have sprung and there will be a great adventure in the backyard!!

Thank You for meeting me in the details, for finding those "last five minutes" that I need sometimes - even when they don't seem to exist.

I look forward to my quiet time with You. Help me to be still...

Standing Firm in the Midst of the Storm

So... couldn't tell you what exactly is going on here... but something is....

I feel like I am the target of arrows coming in all directions. So, I am doing all that I know how to do. Standing firm, holding tight to the faith that I will not be abandoned in this storm. Wearing the full armor of God, and breathing...

Be near me, Oh God. Protect me and those I love from the onslaught. Heal those who are sick. Help us to fully realize Your peace in the midst of the storm.

Give me the strength and the courage I need to rely fully on You....

And, yes, I WILL praise You in this storm....

But as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away


I Will Praise You in this Storm ~~ Casting Crowns

Developing an Attitude of Gratitude

I used to spend a lot of time living in "victim". You know how it is, something ("bad") was always happening TO me. And, oh, how I'd let you know! Poor, poor me. If someone else was having a bad day, I could out do it. I knew how to stir up a crisis.

I didn't realize that my choices were affecting my life. As I continued to choose poorly, "bad" stuff continued to happen. It was a life of insanity - doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.

It takes a lot of energy to live in victim-mode. For me, it was an unending process. It was all I knew. It was probably the reason I was so comfortable with the chaos of working in a busy trauma center: Chaos, I knew. I seemed to thrive on it!

I also have been blessed with an innate sense of Gratitude. The problem - it's impossible (for me) to hold tightly to victim and express gratitude. What I didn't realize then was that I was CHOOSING to live in "victim" rather than CHOOSING to live in Gratitude. I liked it - it brought me attention! And sympathy!

One day, that began to change. A loving friend confronted me. "Do you realize how much time and energy you are putting into being a victim?" I scoffed. She didn't understand me. Oh, but she did. She'd been there too.

She was a friend and a confidante - I told her the stuff that was happening "to" me. Again and again, patiently, but relentlessly, she confronted me. She suggested I develop an "Attitude of Gratitude". I thought she was nuts, but I asked what she was talking about. She suggested I make a daily gratitude list. 10 things, written on paper, that I was grateful for that day.

No problem, I though. At first it was really really difficult. Most frequently, the last few items on the list were "I only have 3 / 2 / 1 more stupid thing to write on this list"

And, relentlessly, she'd keep me accountable "How'd your gratitude list go today?" she'd ask. "Ok", I 'd say. "Great - share it!" NOW I had a problem... I had to come up with 5 more things to make my list complete before I emailed it to her. And she expected more than the countdown of "stupid things to write on this list".

With practice, Gratitude came easier. So, she added a challenge. When I'd whine and complain about my job, or my family, or a friend, she'd ask for a Gratitude List specific to my current irritation. When I came up with nothing, she started it for me "You HAVE a job...", "You HAVE friends and family". She was right. I did - as much as I struggled with it, she was right.

She also challenged me to simply listen to anothers situation, rather than trying to out do it. A step further, when I was feeling sorry for myself - SEARCH OUT another that I could listen to, or assist in some way.

One day she asked how I was doing. "Good. I feel really, really good." "Isn't it easier to live in Gratitude than in Victim?" she said. I hung my head and nodded. She was right. It was.

For years, I kept a written Gratitude Journal. It really helped me to focus on the good in my life. Today it's more informal. It has become an in-the-moment "Thank you God for......" experience throughout the day.

Today, the top five:

I am grateful for the friends who have loved me enough to confront me.
I am grateful for those who have walked beside me on my path.
I am grateful for the challenges that have presented themselves along the way.
I am grateful for the blessings that have encouraged me to continue.
I am grateful for the God who has continued to patiently, yet relentlessly, "stalk" me.