Knowing my Place in the Pack

Sometimes, I am surprised by the behavior of others.... sometimes pleasantly so.

Today, it was the dog. He was actually acting like a decent family member - no trying to sneak in a nibble here or there, no checking to see if I really am "Alpha". Just a quiet evening of chewing on his bone, snuggled up next to me. As it should be. There is hope.

I think back to when we got him. There he was, in the paper. "Chocolate lab pup" - 8 wks old. I went to visit him at the pound. He was so sweet, submissive, beautiful. I adopted him, and brought him home. To the vet we went, where we found out he was sick and not feeling well. A little this and a little that (and a lot of money), and he was on the mend... and his true personality poured out.

Longing for control - to be the leader of the pack - he tried trick after dominance trick. Fortunately, I am not dog-naive. But this little guy, he pressed some buttons. And, he is a lab, so he pressed some buttons... PERSISTENTLY!

Like the day - a week before we were due to leave for a week visit in New England - that he demonstrated competence in climbing the four foot chain link fence. (Fortunately, I demonstrated competence in erecting a 6 foot chain link kennel). But still....

For a while, there, it was a struggle. I wondered if I had lost my mind the day I went to the pound and brought him home. Some days I still think that... those days when he pulls his tricks.

But, overall, he is maturing into a good dog. We still have a few things to work on - but he's not done growing up yet.

That gives me hope.... for my children, and my self. We've still got a few things to work on - but we're not done growing up yet, either. There is hope...

Thank you God, ...
... for your patience, your steadfastness and your persistence in "stalking" me
... for "adopting" me
... for your gentle reminders that I am not 'Alpha' (or 'Omega').

Help me to be submissive, to trust and to follow where You lead... As it should be.

The Deer, the Hawks and the Wind

I once lived in an old farmhouse in (semi-) rural Tennessee, smack dab in the middle of five acres. No one knocked at my door uninvited. Few knew my door existed. I liked it that way. No one to bother me. Back then, I preferred an isolated life - it felt 'safer'. Living in the boonies helped protect me from neighbors and the like.

At the edge of my property was a trail - an old railroad line that had been converted into a hiking trail. Every morning, I would walk that trail. My quiet, contemplative time. It was one of the places I sought out a connection with God.

Almost inevitably, as I reached the old railroad trestle bridge, a gentle breeze would rise up, and brush the hair out of my eyes and caress my cheek. It was if God Himself were saying - "welcome back". I began to look forward to my walks - mostly I looked forward to the feeling of the wind on my cheek. I'd close my eyes as I met it, and breathe deeply.

There were times I'd stop in the middle of the bridge, staring out over the water. Just stand there, be still - sometimes talk with God, but mostly listen. On the cool mornings, as I'd step out onto the trestle bridge, I'd notice the dew on the spiderwebs, glistening on the strands of the webs. I called them the "Dew Drop Galleries" - truly a work of art.

On one of my very first walks there, I remember being new at this "walking with God" thing, and I actually spoke aloud "My God, am I on the right path?" Apparently, my voice started some of the nearby wildlife. Suddenly, I heard a stirring to my left, at the top of the ridge. I turned in that direction, to see four deer running in the direction I was headed.

I'd see deer from time to time - they'd remind me of the Gentleness of God, and they'd remind me of myself. Staring silently out into the world - listening, watching.

Years past, I grew, married, moved, grew, divorced, moved again. From the midst of the woods, to the "holler", then out to the plains - in the midst of a subdivision. Three very different periods of my life. Three very different habitats.

There on the plain, one day, my breath was taken away by another incredible creature. In my backyard sat a hawk. I had seen their nest on my neighborhood walk, but had never seen the hawk so close up. I stood and watched him for a long, long time. Beautiful, majestic.

The deer, the hawk and the wind - all very different - all remind me of God. They remind me of the beauty, and grace that surrounds me here on this earth. They remind me that God's hand is here. They remind me to keep my eyes and my heart open.

Thank you God for the beauty and grace that You have put in my life.

When One Teaches, Two Learn

They say "When one teaches, two learn", and I whole-heartedly agree! I've begun another semester as clinical instructor for a group of nurse practitioner students, and I can tell already that there will be much for me to learn. New students, new location, new group of patients.... much to learn.

Learning is really all about humility. About being "teachable". It is knowing I don't have all the answers. I don't know everything, and I am willing to learn from my students. I am willing to learn from anyone willing to teach. Some of the most profound lessons have come from some of the simplest and most down to earth people I know - my children.

They teach about honesty and love. About forgiveness and generosity. They know the healing power of a hug, and the true power of words. They know how to share, and they know the exuberance of pure joy. They know when to laugh and cry, and jump and dance. Simply by being children, they have taught me much.

May I never forget...

Lord, Keep me humble.... let me learn.

His Presence in the Darkness

Life has some "dark" times. There are sorrows and pains that inevitably accompany the joys of everyday life. Life changes, people change. We find ourselves in situations we never anticipated and certainly never wished for. We are forced to "grieve the loss" - of people, of our plans, and of our hopes and dreams. We are forced to face the unknown.

For me, the unknown is one of those "dark" places. Being forced to walk on faith as I see things changing around me is not always easy. When I feel the gentle nudge to step forward into the unknown, my first instinct is to stop.

Fortunately, I have been encouraged, time and time again, to step forth.... into the darkness, into the unknown. Sure, there are still times when I want to turn and run the other direction, but I have been taught to stand on faith and move forward. So, I close my eyes, take a good deep breath, and pray, pray, pray.

It takes courage. Initially, I was mistaken about courage. I thought courage was the absence of fear. Then I learned that courage is "fear that has said it's prayers". I also learned that sometimes I must "do it afraid".

But, time and time again, as I "do it afraid", I have experienced one undeniable truth. No matter how dark it seems, or how much I fear the unknown, ...or the pain: When I walk out on Faith, I am never walking alone.


"Yea, though I walk through the shadow of the valley of death, I will fear no evil; For Thou art with me" Ps 23:4

.... in the words of a song.

People say they admire me for being able to stand up and interpret the music at church. I remind them that "all I am is willing". What happens up there is all God. "You're so brave to stand in front of all those people", they say. "What people?"I ask. I know she means the congregation, but most times, standing up there, in that anointed spot, there are no people - it is just God and me.

Now, sure, yes, I do put in effort. I collect the music ahead of time, and translate and review it with my mentor, my "teacher". I do listen to the music (again and again) until it is in my body, and the signs on my hands. Some week I am more prepared than others...

... and some weeks I am more prepared for the response than others. Invariably, there is a song, or a phrase that "gets me". Brings me to my knees - sometimes literally. Almost always, there is one that moves me to tears. It touches my heart (or convicts me!) in such a profound way. I am overwhelmed by the feelings that accompany the phrase: "Let mercy fall on me". I can feel it - and it does - as the sign "mercy" comes toward me again and again. The same with Grace, pouring down upon me. And Love. And "God-connect". Truly powerful images to be a part of.

God has always "stalked" me through music. This is no exception. The difference with interpreting is, I am participating with the entirety of my body... not just my ears or my voice. I "praise", I "surrender", I "cry out" and I "control-disconnect" whole-heartedly. It also makes me think twice about picking back up something I've "laid at His feet".

And then, there is the aftermath. The days following a worship service I've participated in interpreting. Something happens. I am changed by it. I can't stand up before God and everyone, whole-heartedly sign, "Oh, come, my God, and break me..." and not expect SOMETHING to happen. It is prayer. It is worship. It is exciting and it is very, very scary.

It helps me to trust. It allows me to become willing when that's not my first instinct. It gives me an opportunity to be "bold" in my faith.

I consider myself very, very blessed to be a part of it.

Back to Basics

There are definitely times to get back to basics. When the schedule gets packed a little too full, when life becomes a little unmanageable and my patience runs thin - It's time to get back to basics.

For me, the basics are:

Powerlessness: I can't do it. I can't make it happen or not happen. I can't make people do or not do anything. It is the realization that "control" - for me - is an illusion.

Yes, there are things I can do to improve my situation. I can get adequate rest, eat healthy foods, and get out and do the things that keep me fit - physically and spiritually. (Fortunately, a walk is good for both of those!) I can influence my environment - and my schedule - in a positive manner, but ultimately, I can't control any of it.

But, fortunately, next on the list:

He can: I can trust in the sovereignty of God. There is Hope and there is Justice. Taking time to be with and to focus on God, is really, really healing for me.

Finally, I can surrender. I can quit trying to do things my way, and step into line with His plan. Not nearly as simple to implement as it sounds. But, once I quit fighting it, life is much, much easier.

May I follow where you lead. May I walk on the path that You have chosen for me...

Moments of Simple Joy - the girl

They may have been born on the same day, but my boy-child and my girl-child are very different creatures! Fortunately, they both have delightful personalities.

The girl is the artist - She likes to draw and color, and write. I frequently receive "I love you, Mom. You're the best Mom in the world!" notes. My favorites are the ones that have a little sketch attached to them. I could - and will - fill a scrapbook with all of drawings she's created through the years.

She is a girl who KNOWS what she wants. She also has style! From the time she was very young, she was particular about what she would wear. For a long time, we went EVERYWHERE in her "princess shoes" - you know them, the high healed plastic slides with some sort of glittery this or that. Frequently, people made comments. Sometimes the "Nice shoes!" came with a condescending tone of voice. My standard reply became "We get lots of compliments on those shoes!" In no way did I want to squash her sense of style... and quite frankly, it was a battle I chose not to engage in.

She is the one in whom I particularly notice the "growing up" - though the boy-child has grown more physically recently. It seems like overnight we went from Disney Princesses to Hannah Montana. That'll make a Momma's head spin!

I know I have several years with my little girl...even still... may I cherish each and every day.

Progress, not Perfection

I love the fact that there are people in my life. Some I know better then others, but all can encourage me. All can teach me. Tonight I was shown that in my yoga class.

It was a typical class, with the exception that we had a few extra minutes before class. The usual mix of students - "old timers" to beginners. Some I've been in class with for years, others I met tonight, and the whole range in between.

It's interesting to me to watch people's journeys. To see their progress as they go. They give me hope, and encourage me in my journey.

Tonight, in the moments before class, I witnessed an older man lay on his back, with his head on the floor and his arms stretched out over his head, thumbs on the ground. No big deal, right? Well, for him - life changing. I remember the day he walked into class for the first time. If he had been told him then, that he'd be here today doing THIS... he wouldn't have believed it.

There is another woman, whom I've been in class with for years. Same story. I witness her doing things today she'd never have dreamed of doing when she first started. In both I see a brightening of spirit, an ease in their movements. I see Joy, and Hope.

A third, who always wanted to try yoga. I witness her courage as she joins us for her first class.

Looking at it day to day, it's hard to see the progress... but start adding the days together... WOW!

Then, I realized I'm the same way... poco a poco, little by little, I make progress. A little victory here and a little stretching out of my comfort zone there. But... if I look at it day by day, it's hard to see. With the perspective of a little time, and a series of small steps. There is progress. Great progress.

Of course, I'd PREFER to just do it right NOW, and be done with it. But, that's not that way it works in my life... Perfect, I am not, so progress must be my goal.

Stoking the Fire

One of my favorite expressions of all time is:

"When the fire behind me is hotter than the fire in front of me, I'll walk"

It sums it up so beautifully for me. Some things I'll walk toward independently - some things I'll run for. Most of those things either aren't significant or aren't in my best interests.

The real test comes when I'm called to action, and I'd rather keep my feet planted firmly where they stand. Be it the fire of habit, or fear, or simply the unknown before me, I don't want to move.

Days like these, when I feel the fire behind me being stoked, I may inch my feet forward a little bit. Really, what I need to do is take two great giant steps on faith.... and then two more. But that would mean change. I would be risking what I have now.

The irony is that I have never been called forth to danger. I have always stepped forward to something better. It didn't always feel that way initially - "different" is usually uncomfortable for me at first, and sometimes I must walk through some darkness to get there. Most often, I find the blessings there are beyond my wildest imaginings. When I listen and walk where He leads, Peace, Joy, Hope and Love are sure to meet me...

So, as I feel the warmth of the fire behind me becoming hotter than the fire in front of me. I will walk. One step at a time, I will walk. Through whatever fear or habit or unknown situation lies directly before me, I will walk. To Peace and Joy and Hope and Love, I will walk.

May I walk out on faith.... before I get burned!

Some Things Never Change - but some do!

When I look back over my life, where I have been and where I am now, much of it looks the same. I actually had to laugh recently as I was going through some old books. I was in 'de-clutter' mode, and sorting through the stack of books that had been long untouched. One was a journal of sorts. I picked it up and opened the page: April 24, several years ago: "I feel like I am being called to de-clutter my life. Physically, spiritually...". Hmmm... sounds familiar. I could have written that today - or last week - or last month....

Both now and then, there are joys and struggles, moments of surrender and of willful stubbornness. Just looking at the journal entry and the past few months of my life, you'd think that nothing had changed.

But there is a great difference now. I am not isolated. On so many levels, I am not isolated.

There are people in my life. People that really, TRULY know me. They know me, they love me, they support me, they encourage me, they comfort me. They've been behind the wall, they've helped me remove some stones, they've shined the light into the dark corners. I sit with these people, in some form or fashion, every day. Some I sit with in person, some I sit with online, but none-the-less, there is daily contact.

As wonderful as it is having these dear friendships, they pale in comparison to another relationship I now have in my life. My life is blessed by feeling the daily presence of God. These days, I have a connection with God that I didn't have in years back. He was there - I just didn't know it. Loving me, supporting me, encouraging me, comforting me. Every step of the way, yet I failed to recognize it.

It's amazing to me to fully grasp that idea... that I could be so oblivious. I guess walls and dark places do that to a person.

Fortunately, some things - like God and the business of Refining - never change.
Fortunately, some things - like me - do.

Enjoying a Good Laugh....

A friend of mine was sitting on my couch, having just returned from being away for fall break. We were catching up on our week apart, and I was relating to her my experiences this past Sunday.... the painful misery of it all...

She chuckled as I started my account of the day by telling her I'd "busted" through my "fat jeans", then nodded politely as I highlighted each subsequent difficulty.

Somewhere in the midst of that, her son came down to check out my fish tank.

"Hey, uhm, Ms. Linda....where are your FISH?"

"oh... they died"

My friend looked at me, wide-eyed. The once overly abundant supply of fish had trickled to nothing.

"I think I probably forgot to feed them...."

Her son shrugged and returned to the playroom. My friend started laughing - this deep, rolling, uncontrollable laughter.

Now it was my turn to look at her, "WHAT?"

Through her laughter, she said "You busted out your "fat jeans", AND you killed your GUPPIES?" The laughter continued...

"Oh my God! I love it.... You're HUMAN"

Oh yes.... very, very human....

Choosing "Freedom"

Every Sunday, there seems to be a theme in the music. There is a word or a phrase that I find myself signing again and again. This week, the topic was freedom. Not only did I sign "free", "save", and "redeem"(again, and again, and again!), I broke chains across my heart, and ties to the world. I showed the "power of sin" being "destroy"ed, pushed behind, and crumbling down to nothing then blown away. If only it were that easy.

I laughed - and then I cried - at the realization Saturday night. All these songs about being free, and I certainly wasn't feeling that way. I was feeling more "blind", "confused", "struggle"-ing, "bound" and "broken-heart"-ed

The other irony that didn't escape me: We were just finishing our fall break week. Our "vacation". Freedom - from school...but not from a full calendar! And, as I lay in my bed Saturday night, weeping, I wondered how I got back "here" again. Bound to the schedule, and tied up in sugar and caffeine.

It didn't seem quite right that I'd be standing up there signing about "Amazing Grace" and "freedom" feeling as bound as I did. But, then again, if you know the story of Grace and freedom, it is a story that is "not quite right". It is that part which makes it "Amazing". Besides, one thing I've learned about obedience - I can't let my feelings of inadequacy keep me from stepping forth.

So, step forth I did - with tears streaming down at one point. Song after song. Somewhere in the middle of it all - the tears were gone, and joy was springing forth. Hope had returned

"And like a flood, His mercy rains. Unending Love, Amazing Grace"

Maybe it IS that easy. Freedom is mine to claim. Yet, I often set it aside, and find myself tangled up again where I don't belong - allowing my hands and feet to be shackled, if not shackling them myself. Why is it that I do that? Why do I not accept the freedom I am given?

Therein lies the difficultly - choosing to accept the gift, and in doing so, turning away from the chains that so sweetly bind.

Keep me close to You - help me choose well. May I choose to be free.

Who Am I?

It was near the beginning of my journey. As He always does in my life, God was reaching me through music. There was a song that touched me so deeply, I'd placed on continuous-play on my CD player. It became a quick favorite.

Casting Crowns' song, "Who am I?", seemed to give me direction. It was as if it oriented my internal compass to North. It set my path in the right direction....toward Him.

The chorus is as follows:

"I am a flower quickly fading,
here today and gone tomorrow
a wave tossed in the ocean
a vapor in the wind

Still you hear me when I'm calling
You catch me when I'm falling
and You show me who I am...
I am Yours..."

At the time, I felt infinitesimally small - but there was great hope in knowing that even though I may be "quickly fading, here today and gone tomorrow", a mere "vapor in the wind", I was heard and protected. And when I most need to know, I am shown - "I am Yours".

The song still speaks to me.... These days it is the bridge that most "gets" me:

"Not because of who I am,
but because of what You've done.

Not because of what I've done,
but because of who You are"

It's soooooooooo not about me....

Thank you, God... for teaching me about humility...

Moments of Simple Joy - the fire

We all love the fire. During the cool autumn and winter months, you'll find us gathered there. There's just something about it - it's warmth, the way the flames dance. I don't know exactly. We just like it.

My daughter will sit there til I bodily remove her. My son will pause, and stop for a moment, as he runs by between the playroom and the bathroom. And, me? Well, I'll sit there as long as I can until a child beckons or a task just can't be ignored any more.

There is something very soothing for me, watching the flames as they dance over the logs. Feeling the warmth on my face, my chest my arms and legs It causes my body and my mind to be still. I can simply close my eyes and enjoy the warmth - for minutes at a time! It provides another opportunity for me to become still enough that I can feel the presence of God.

Thank you God for the fire - and for moments to experience Your presence in my life.

Beauty for Ashes

It was during a period of time when God was actively working on healing my heart that I first heard the song by Shane Barnard, "Beauty for Ashes". "How perfect", I thought - that had become somewhat of a "catch phrase" in my life - a recurrent theme, for sure!

Time after time, when I thought no possible good could come from the ashes that surrounded me, I was amazed and awed at how God restored beauty. The times when I thought my pain and mourning would never end, I found Joy. My burdens were lifted and became reasons to praise!

I picked up the lyric sheet, and sat down with my interpreting mentor. We would sit and translate the English to ASL - American Sign Language. Then I'd go home and practice before the worship service on Sunday morning. I started to read:

"Beauty for Ashes.... a garment of praise for my heaviness..."

Hmmm... "What does it mean?" she asked me. "Well, my "heaviness" is my burdens... they become praise." I said, cautiously. "Exactly," she said. I jotted that down, so I'd remember.

The next line stopped me in my tracks:

"Beauty for Ashes.... take this heart of stone, and make it Yours."

Heart of *stone*? Ouch. Conviction there. I had just finished reading the book "Redeeming Love" by Francine Rivers. Although my life had been very different from the main character, Angel - a prostitute - I could identify the same wall of protection she had constructed around her heart, surrounding mine. A "heart of stone". It was at this point I began to fear this song, just a little. I knew it was going to speak to me powerfully, and perhaps be (somewhat) life-changing.



"Trading all that I am for all that is better."


Oh! WOW!! What a great line. Let's see in ASL, I would sign "All-of-me surrender. Grace pour-down-on-me". Little did I know how those gentle sweeping motions would make my heart pause, and tears stream down my face.

I found that out (repeatedly) in the privacy of my own home.... and again at the rehearsal Sunday morning....and again during the worship service itself.

Wiping the tears from my eyes, I realized: this song had changed me. Standing in our anointed place, at the corner of the stage, offering up my prayer - with voice and hands and soul - had changed me. "Take this heart of stone, and make it Yours". The "walls of protection", now cracked and crumbling, left me feeling exposed and vulnerable. Yet, I knew, the mourning would turn to Joy, and the burdens to praise.

Even now, when I hear that song, my heart aches. It pauses and longs for the signs to come forth - "Surrender", and "Grace" and "Connect-my-heart-to-God". My heart knows what it wants - what it needs. "Surrender". "Grace". "Connect-my-heart-to-God"

Beauty for Ashes,... again, and again, and again....

Thank You, God...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"To appoint unto them that mourn in Zion, to give unto them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; that they might be called trees of righteousness, the planting of the Lord, that he might be glorified."—Isaiah 61:3

Maintaining a Positive Attitude

We're right smack dab in the middle of fall break. I find that a little amusing and ironic. It hasn't really been a "break" for me. True there's not school, but the calendar hasn't slowed down any. As a matter of fact, it's a time to schedule in some things that need to happen - like the dentist - so they don't have to MISS school.

One of the things we've been planning to do this break is go "cabin camping". We'll drive to the state park tomorrow as soon as our chores are done and the car is packed. There we'll hike and enjoy the out of doors, maybe catch a pony ride. We'll see what we feel like when we get there.

The kids are excited that the cabin has two bunk beds - so they'll both get the top. The boy-child is not thrilled to hear that there will be no Game Cube, but there will be s'mores, so it might not be all bad.

Over all, we're thrilled to be going. Then there is the weather forcast. It's been really dry here this year. But, tomorrow, it may rain. And the girl-child, who had teeth pulled today, has a little tummy ache.

In times past, I may have spent this evening worrying about the weather, or whether my daughter will "irk" (our word for 'throw up') tonight. Neither, I have any control over. Neither are worth ruining my evening stressing about.

It's one of the ways powerlessness helps me maintain a positive attitude. There are very few things that I can control in my life. My attitude is one of them. Keeping my domain of control in it's proper perspective is key in that endeavor!

Yes, I will pray that the rain holds off, and that my daughter is feeling well. But - whatever happens - we are blessed!

Where You Lead, I Shall Follow

You know, it's really, truly, all about surrender. For me, anyway. Surrendering my ways and following His. Surrendering my attempts to "control", picking up faith and trust, and stepping forward.

I've been taught to ask for guidance and to be still and listen for the answers. Sometimes that is easier to do than others. Sometimes, I fear that when I ask for direction, I'll be told to veer left or right of where I think we're heading. When that happens, my plans change - and I'm not such a big fan of change.

These days, I'm beginning to feel the gentle nudge to move forward. At the present time, I don't know where the path is heading. I don't even know that there is a path. All I know is that there is a nudge - and questions arising that I am sure will be answered in due time.

It's hard for me not to know the answers - to know the "plan". But, with each nudge comes a deepening understanding that is OK - and often best! - that I don't know the destination at the get-go. So long as I keep putting one foot in front of the other, on the journey that is being laid before me - so long as I follow where He leads - I will get there. In the right way, in the right time. I don't need to fully understand. I do need to quit fighting and fully obey.

May I keep my feet in Your light and walking forward on the path that You have set before me.

Psalm 119:105
"Thy Word is a lamp unto my feet, and a light unto my path."

Life in the Fast Lane...

This thought came to me as I was - sadly enough - at the drive-thru of McDonald's after work this week: "Why is it that I settle for this?" It's not really what I want. It's not at all healthy for me. So why am I here?

It is "convenient". Convenient? Is it worth the "convenience"? I don't know. (which in this case means: "No, but I'm not willing to admit that yet!") *sigh*

I broaden that thought and wonder what other things I "settle" for in the name of "convenience". What things I do simply because I can? What things do I gather into my life simply because they are there for the taking? I know that things of value take time and effort - preparing meals, tending gardens, building and maintaining relationships, just to name a few! I know that not all things that are out there "for the taking" bring value to my life, or glory to God. Some days are easier to put effort into than others. Some things are easier left behind than others. Some concepts are easier to grasp than others.

I think back to when bottled water was new on the market. I was outraged - a DOLLAR for a bottle of water? NO WAY was I paying THAT!! Instead, I'd pay $1.29 for a diet coke that I didn't really want. What I wanted was water. But, my perception of what was reasonable, was skewed. (oh how stupid I felt when I realized what I was doing!!)

Along the same lines, but with a little different twist - I wonder how many times the phrase from the song "Hold me Jesus" is true in my life. "I'd rather fight you for something I don't really want, than take what you give that I need" I wonder how often I refuse to let go of something that is ultimately making my life more difficult to maintain the illusion of "control".

I am sure I would be astounded to find out how much time I would have if I would let go of some of those things. Things that I do, simply because I can, rather than because I should. Time - precious time. Time I could use to be still. To simply be. To do things that I enjoy. Freeing my life up of the 'conveniences' to savor the delicacies of life... wow. What a concept!

There is a feast set before me! How often do I choose "fast food" because I am too impatient to wait for God's preparations to be complete? How often do I overlook the abundance waiting for me because my gaze is focused on that which I am holding tightly in my grasp? How often to I fill my life up with stuff simply to have it? When will I learn?

Facing the Music

So, you should have seen me after church on Sunday afternoon. There I was "Tending the Earth", and I just started shaking my head, and laughing quietly to myself. I had been thinking of the events of the morning; that bridge still running through my head. "Lift up your head, oh, oh, oh, Lift up your head, Look on Him...". Then the thought of the video recorder, and YouTube. I don't care much for pictures, and video, in my opinion, is even worse. Yes, it's wonderful for kids and cute animal things, but for ME... uhm... no, thank you. It's too..... honest.

THAT's when I start laughing and shaking my head. Hadn't I just written the other day about how I didn't always LIKE honesty, but I needed to walk toward the truth. *sigh*. Well, here we go.

My mentor and I have discussed using video tape as a means of objective feedback for our interpreting. We could sit and watch together, critiquing as we went along. I like the concept. I think it would be beneficial. Yet, we've both drug our feet in the implementation of it. I think He may be telling us it's time to do exactly that.

But.... YouTube? Don't get me wrong, I like YouTube, but... there is something disconcerting about knowing that my mistakes are going to be "out there" visible to God-only-knows how many people. It's... well, very humbling. "Another opportunity to embrace my imperfections", I suppose. A chance to let go of my pride and admit to the world, that yes, I am human. I do make mistakes.

It's also an opportunity to learn - for that I am grateful. It's an opportunity to walk toward the Truth... as much as I'd like to pretend the video tape didn't exist.

Yes, I could have kept this under wraps - my 'little secret'. But I have learned (the hard way!) that keeping secrets, and hiding myself from the world is not in my best interests. And, I have friends who I'm sure would have discovered it, and confronted me with the fact that I hadn't shared. The joys of being loved.

It's time to face the music,... and the honesty of a video camera. How appropriate the words... "Lift up your head, oh, oh, oh, Lift up your head...." I so don't want to look.

So, today, I am walking on faith that my fear of facing the truth is worse than actually walking through it. I guess I'll know for sure once the video is published and "out there".

"....oh, oh, oh, Lift up your head, Look on Him..."

Tending the Earth

One of the things I most love to do - especially on these beautiful autumn days - is "Tending the Earth". I love the creative process of planning and setting up a garden; then watching it grow, develop and transform with each season. This time of year, I'm pruning, mulching and preparing for Winter's rest. (And establishing a new border in the process...)

Today's primary goal was putting the hosta into the ground. When the dog obtained rights to the fenced in portion of the back yard this spring, there were two choices - put the hosta in pots for the summer, or let them be trampled by a quickly growing puppy. I chose the former. When I dug them up, I didn't know where their final destination would be, so into pots they went.

They came to me from my mother's property in Massachusetts - and likely arrived there from my Grandmother's home in Virginia. They spent some time in the ground in our previous yard, and then moved with us to our current home. This year, they have thrived, bloomed and produced seeds. (Which I scattered beside them in their new border beneath the pine trees).

Second on the project list was pruning the Rose of Sharon. Heavy with seed pods, the branches leaned nearly to the ground. As I trimmed their edges, they straightened. The pods were then scattered behind the row of recent yearling transplants. With any luck, some of the hundreds of seeds will develop into a thickly flowered hedge.

Final project on today's list: weeding the driveway. I love the mindless task of weeding: Especially in areas where it truly is mindless - like on my gravel driveway. If it's in the gravel and it's green, I can pull it. Yes, I know I could buy some spray that would kill all the life among the stone, but I have way too many issues with widespread distribution of toxic chemicals. Besides, it's one of those places where I find God...

There is something about having my hands in the dirt, or handling these great creations - plants - that captivates me. The thing about plants: they trust. They know their purpose: Grow, bloom, seed, prepare to rest. Even the crabgrass knows it's purpose - TAKE OVER - and it does so with abandon! It doesn't question: "here?" It grows. (and grows and grows....)

The other thing I love about "Tending the Earth": it invites silence and quiets the mind. The "Ever-loving To Do List" is temporarily set aside in my head. I take time to pray, and I take time to listen. I notice the birds in the trees, the sun on my back and the wind on my face.

I notice the thoughts that pop into my brain. Some meander in, and pass right through. Others enter dramatically and demand attention. Without the usual background "noise", it's easier to decipher the messages in their urgency. Once decoded they can be brought before God, and the healing can begin.

It seems like nothing more than digging and planting and just plain hard work. But, for me, "Tending the Earth" is a time and a place for me to be with God. It is a place for me to grow.