Feeling Strong

I attended a womens' self defense class, which was held at my son's karate studio. It was fabulous. Loved it. I knew I would. I also knew I would feel the 'bite'.

Several years ago, I dabbled in Hapkido. Loved IT as well.

And tonight, as I left that class, I felt the same as I did those years ago. I would roundhouse kick the bag, and people would ask, "Do you feel better?" Of COURSE I did. "Yes!" I'd reply. Their next question usually had to do with anger - why or at whom was I so angry.

"Oh, I'm not angry," I said. It had nothing to do with anger - it had to do with strength and peace at my core. I stood taller, I walked straighter and felt the weight of concerns disappear for a while.

I prayed as I left, for God to be very clear, and for some doors to appear. I very much want to join the adult karate class. As it stands now, there are too many conflicts in the scheduling for it to be "right".

And then.... I hear whisperings of a door....

Now, patiently, I wait....

I Got Nothing....

"A long day" only begins to sum up the day. It actually began in the early morning hours. Both of my children had fallen asleep on the futon that I had been sharing with my daughter. Rather than move my boy-child, I elected to sleep where he had been - on a slightly over-sized chair with the ottoman pushed up beside it.

The previous few nights with my daughter had been a seemingly non-stop assault of arms, elbows, and (literally) fingers up the nose... MY nose.... HER fingers.... She managed to sleep through the event. Me, not so much...

So, I figured, once I got propped right, I might score a better night sleep alone in the chair than sharing the bed with her. I was not prepared for her 3am declaration to her brother: "You are NOT supposed to BE HERE!!" Nor was I prepared for her to crawl into the chair with me.

Oh yes, of course, I considered moving onto the futon - but the boy assaults with his arms AND legs.

Suffice it to say, the return trip home - including changing planes in Philadelphia - was challenging. I called upon much prayer, much reliance on the grace of God, and the strength that is beyond me.

Somehow, when I get to the point where "I got nothing", He so willingly provides.

We had a wonderful visit with family....

Yet, it is wonderful to be home as well.

And, as always, I am grateful for Him doing for me....

Independence and Transparency

I hesitate to write this post - and honestly, have put it off for a few days...

Those who know me "in real life", know that I am "Independent to a fault". I also try to remain very "transparent" - especially in areas where I struggle.

These two things - independence and transparency - are pretty dichotomous. And, would you believe, also the two things about which God is very actively "stalking" me. The reason I hesitate, is there are people "in real life" who read this and love me enough to confront me on it. But, I'm learning - one will kill me, the other will make me strong.

So here I go. "Independent to a fault", that's me. If I CAN do it, I will. If I CAN do it without help, I will. And, even if I THINK I MIGHT be able to do it, I will try. I laugh now to think of the time I tried to load my grill into my minivan when we moved. It's a nice big grill - side burner and all. I managed to get it up onto my knees, balanced on my lap, before I lost my balance. It was the slow-motion backward fall that sticks in my mind. I landed gently onto one arm - so it's now me, backwards, two legs and one arm on the ground, grill still on my lap, LAUGHING hysterically, thanking God for lowering me gently and begging for help up!

This time, as I read The Shack, I am writing down lines that speak to me. One that knocked me square between the eyes reads: "When we choose independence over relationship, we become a danger to each other". Guilty as charged. In the midst of our marriage series, I of course think back to the days of raising infant twins. Sure, I COULD manage most of their daily care - so I did...and very rarely asked for help.

Independence leads to isolation. It builds walls around my heart, disconnects me from others and from God. And I don't mean the type of independence I'm trying to instill in my children - brush your own teeth, dress yourselves. I'm talking the kind of independence that shadows truth - the kind that attempts to make up for vulnerabilities and protect our hearts from disappointment.

I am better at the aspect of independence that tries to force it's way. As I sit here now, I'm very aware that I will likely not get the overtime shifts I signed up for this weekend. It seems that He thinks I need time with Him more than I need the money right now. I would be lying if I told you I accepted that gracefully. I struggled for some time with trying to figure out how I could possibly work a different floor or a different shift....I think, as of now, I may have accepted it. Maybe.

But I still struggle with allowing others to help me... of being willing to risk and hope and trust.

How's THAT for transparent?! It's a little scary sometimes, but it is the only way that I can live in truth. It keeps me honest and "real". It helps develop humility. It keeps me truly connected to others, and allows others to see my struggles, the traps into which I have fallen... and the glorious ways that God has worked in the midst of it all - in spite of me!

Independence and Transparency. One will kill me, the other make me stronger. Why is it that the world has them reversed? My strength is in my weakness - in those moments where I am willing to allow Him to step in...or send others here on earth to minister to me as well...

Strength, Wisdom, Courage

I was playing around with my camera last night. The ladybug on my bathroom sink caught my attention, and I began taking some pictures. Ladybug here, ladybug there...

Then, I remembered the rings. I knew from the moment I put them in my pocket the morning I returned to my "shack", that I would photograph them one day. Three rings, labeled: "Strength", "Wisdom" and "Courage".

Three simple words. Three things that I pray for... again and again... It wasn't until I stacked them on top of each other that I realized how well they compliment each other.

And it wasn't until right now that I realized how differently I define them these days....through the lens of my God-connection, and not the world's view.

Strength,to me, is more than being physically strong. The strength that I refer to, and pray for, is the inner fortitude to stand steadfast in the midst of a storm. To stay focused on the Truth while lies and deception swirl around, distract, and block the path.

With wisdom I know that I can not muster up sustained - or sustaining - strength on my own accord. I may be able to "white knuckle" it for a while, but if it is going to be true staying power - that kind of strength comes to me from God. Wisdom also shows me that sometimes, it takes much more strength to let go, than to hold on tightly for all I'm worth.

Ah, the glorious paradox of wisdom! Encompassing more than mere intelligence, wisdom has an element of experience, and God-given discernment. It is more than knowing that 1+1+1 = 3. Sometimes - depending on what you are adding - it is a big mess. Since life is so much more than the sum of it's parts, it involves a deeper "knowing" than the quick assessment of the obvious.

The thing about wisdom... it often requires courage and strength to be heard... especially if it presents itself in the midst of a crisis, or the truth runs contrary to the prevailing cultural norms (or what I want to hear!).

Finally, courage. I've said before that courage is "fear that has said it's prayers". I used to wonder how people could do these amazingly brave things without fear. One day, I asked someone that very question. "Without fear?" she said, "I was scared to death!"

Courage is asking the question - even though I know I don't want to hear the answer. It is facing the difficult times, searching through the dark corners. It is speaking the unpopular truth, and holding up mirrors. And, sometimes, courage needs strength and wisdom to "Do it afraid".

And, while I know that I have not been given" a spirit of fear, but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind", it is the combination of Wisdom and Strength that remind me of my Courage..

Go! Fight! Win!

There is a brave young girl that I know named Makenzie. She is eight years old and has some "Cancer germs" making her sick. She had some surgery on her brain to have the "cancer germs" removed, and will soon start chemo and radiation.

I have been awed from a distance to watch the process unfold - via their "Care Pages" blog. Makenzie's strength and determination as she works to regain some of the skills she once took for granted - walking, talking, seeing, and being her self - are amazing! Her twin sister, Madison, adds her "Super Sister" updates, as do her parents.

I read a plaque long ago that said: VOCATUS ATQUE NON VOCATUS DEUS ADERIT. It's latin and means: "Bidden or unbidden, God is present". In this situation, God is definitely "bidden" - called forth. And He is definitely present.

I have witnessed the support that this family has received - from neighbors, friends, members of their church, and perfect strangers. In each update, I can sense their appreciation and gratitude for the love and support that has overwhelmed them in this difficult time. I read of their faith that God truly is with them. And, I have witnessed them being surrounded in prayer!

As it has been true for me, I see it now true for them - and very, very fresh. I remember being there - crying out - calling God forth - and being overwhelmed by the outpouring of love and support.

I also remember the times, before I trusted that God was present and working in my life, I did not call out as I walked through some dark times. But, fortunately, "Bidden or unbidden", He is always there. I see that now, and am ever grateful!

For you, Makenzie, for Madison and your brother Justin, for your mom and for your dad, I add my prayers to the "prayer globe". May you know God, may you feel God, and may God heal you completely!

Remember.... Bidden or unbidden, God is present.

And as part of the team cheering you on, I whole-heartedly cry out:

GO! FIGHT!! WIN!!!


(Many thanks to your school website for this beautiful picture of you and Madison! The one I have of you two is VERY old... this one is MUCH better!)