Saturday, August 20, 2011

All the Pieces of My Heart...

I rolled out of bed, wiped the tears of hope from my eyes, and started my morning. Dropping my kids at school, I headed to my Moms in Touch group. We prayed for our children, teachers, students, administrators and county politics. We raised our requests - those known and those unknown - to God for His consideration. My unspoken request, I raised as well - that He would meet me there.

A few hours of seeing patients, and then I was off. Back to the place where He had so faithfully met me in years past. To the trestle bridge over the water, near the house where I used to live.

I hummed a tune that was stuck in my head. An old hymn from my childhood. I couldn't remember the words, just the melody. My car parked across the street, I walked the trail that I knew so well.

Day after day, I'd walk... in the days when my land neighbored the path. Day after day, He'd meet me there, wiping the hair out of my face as I stepped onto the wooden footbridge that lay over the old railroad trestle.

I had a praying spot. So I went there, took of my shoes and sat down.

Quietly, I sat, the breeze on my face, taking in the sights and the sounds. A ripple of a fish under the surface of the water, the zip of a hummingbird flying by. I'd seen a deer drinking from a pool in the woods on my way, and I stared, now, out at the heron on the far shore.

I thanked Him for coming, and sat quietly for a long, long time.

Finally, I spoke.


"So.... You want my heart.... all of it.... You know it's been pretty trampled, right? And, cast aside..."

I thought again of the Apostle Paul, "Chief of all sinners", and how his life had changed... dramatically.

I wondered how my heart could be useful to Him... well, parts of it, sure... but ALL of it?

I sat there some more with the wind blowing my now tear-stained cheeks. I closed my eyes, and let my thoughts wander...

I envisioned Him taking the pieces of my heart, and knowing each one, gently making it new. I knew it wasn't beyond Him - and that He could simply take it, fix it if He wanted. But my offering it up - every single piece - is what He really wanted.

I realized that without "every single piece", it would never be "whole". Perhaps, better stated, without "every single piece" IN HIS HANDS... (and, thus, out of MINE...)

"You really, really want it, huh?"

The wind picked up.

"I don't know how to do that..... I need you to show me how to do that.... please."

I sat until the tears had stopped and the sun was warm on my back. I placed the ear buds in my ears and set the iPod to play. I let the music speak to me.... first about healing hearts (no joke), and then "The Stand".

As it played, I walked - and signed the words as they played...

First He created... and then He saved.

"so, what could I say? What could I do? But offer this heart, oh God, completely to You...."

I have no illusions that it will be "that easy". I expect that it will be a daily surrender - to say "... I'll stand - with arms high and heart abandoned...."

and then... to DO it.

My prayer tonight is that this day stays etched in my mind - and on my heart - for a long, long, LONG time....

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