Growth

 Not gonna lie.  This month has been hard.

My routine has changed.  My kids' routines have changed.

It's growth, and it's change (albeit, in the right direction).  

But it's undeniably hard.

It's been hard to figure out the new path of my fitness journey.  It's been hard to watch and support my kids' transitions into independent adulthood. (And to know when to speak up vs keep my nose out!). It's been hard to maintain work-life balance as the work:life ratio changes.

There have certainly been gifts in the midst - there always are if we search for them:  People.  Places.  Routines. Traditions.  Mysteries.  Miracles.  Promises.  Peace.  Hope.  Joy.  Laughter.  Tears.  Breath. 

There have also been opportunities to reinforce or refine some healthy habits that I've developed over the past year. But man, oh, man.  How easy it is to slip back into some of the not-so-healthy ones!

So I pause and I pray:  for them and for me.  For strength and for resiliency.  For joy and for rest.  For discernment and for clarity.  But mostly for His will.  Amen and amen. 

#change #patentingadults #myselfincluded #growth #faith #donteatyourfeelings #breathe #keepgoing #inshallah #kyrieeleison

Honoring Change

 

If I said it once, I said it a hundred times last night: "I don't like change". This morning, my perspective has shifted a little. 

I was reminded that I appreciate some change:  the seasons, the times when discomfort eases, the way things grow. 

The way people grow - perhaps even how I grow. 

Often change brings uncertainty.  Often there is a moment to grieve the loss of what has been - especially if it has been Joyful.

But if I look further than myself, there IS certainty.  Spring will change into Summer, then fall, then winter, and finally, Spring again. Each is exciting and has aspects that I look forward to.

It doesn't always FEEL as certain in my own life. When I am being called into something new, or relationships change, it doesn't FEEL exciting. It feels sad. Or intimidating. Or unsure.  And yet if I look back through the changes in my life, there IS certainty there as well. 

I have never been called into something that wasn't for my good or for my growth.  The latter often involves work, and requires me to pry my hands off of something I am holding more tightly than I should, or adopt a new way of thinking, or doing, or being. And that is hard work. 

Walking through the process, while sometimes temporarily uncomfortable, has always delivered me to a better place. I have never been alone while moving forward. There have always been people shining the light to the path I'm to walk. Always people beside me. And always, ALWAYS God surrounding me.

Today, on my mat, I was encouraged to "Embrace change. Honor change."  

So here I stand - at least for this one moment - with hands wide open.  Bring the change, Lord. Show me where to step. Make the way clear. And if the change is with me - in me.... if the change IS me, make it so.

Beauty for Ashes

 

It's been a week, and my emotions are a little less raw and in my face - or maybe better stated, ON my face. 

I'm still on my mat regularly.  Today, I can hear conversations happening around me.  Gratitude fills me. Beauty for ashes.  I can see it now.

I realize some of the gifts I have been given.  Some BIG gifts. When I'm in my feelings, I don't always see clearly what is right there in front of me. But, sometimes time and space gives us perspective.

Beauty for ashes.  The oil of joy in exchange for mourning.

Yes, please!  And thank You!

We're reminded to breathe. 

"Breath is always with you."

I will never leave nor forsake you.

Inhale.  

Exhale. 

"Take in what you need.

Let go of what you don't."

Flow. <tears do that sometimes - ask me how I know>

"Use your breath."

Emotions in.  

Emotions out.

"Open your heart."

Inhale: Humility

Exhale: Pride.

Inhale: Joy.

Exhale: Sadness.

Inhale: Strength.

Exhale: Fatigue.

We reach backwards over our heads.  I feel it in my chest and in my throat. Ah, we're opening up there too.

"Breathe. Take up space"

Inhale.

Exhale.

"Let your body be heavy."

A garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness.

Inhale: Thank You.

Exhale: Thank You.

I am aware that there are some ashes in my life where I don't yet see the beauty.

Then I realize: You must not be done.  Yet.

Inhale:  Thank You.

Exhale: Thank You.

Words from the (Yoga) Mat

Come to a comfortable seat.

Close your eyes.

Set an intention. (Balance)

Set an intention. (Flexibility) 

Set an intention. (Be present)

Set an intention. (Show up)

Set an intention. (Surrender)

Set an intention. (Surrender) 

Set an intention. (Surrender)

Take up space.

Breathe.

Let's connect.

This is hard.

Be still.

Be heavy.

Settle in.

Find your focus.  Find your balance.  Find your challenge.

Can you...?

If you want to...

Listen to your body.

Hands to the heart.

Relax your body.

Lead with your heart.

Lift up.

Let it go.

Ahimsa. 

It's a beautiful thing. 

Find your drishti. 

What. Do. You. Need?

Namaste

Irony

 

Today would have been my 25th wedding anniversary.  Plot twist:  it's not.  It's just another day in April - but it is the day that I temporarily change my Facebook profile picture to the sweet moment before the wedding when my little brother wiped tears from my eyes with his tie.  I feel like that moment - perhaps the whole day - deserves acknowledgment in some small way. So the picture gets posted for a few hours.

The day was cool and rainy. Perfect.  Appropriate if nothing else.  Yet, I was grateful for a day to catch up. I found myself at home - indoors, singing aloud to a favorite song about His Blessing... to a thousand generations. I probably would have picked that song to include in the ceremony if it had existed back then.  But I digress...

It's been "a minute" since I've checked in here, and this isn't a story about my marriage.  It's a story about my walk.  

In the years since I've written last, I (We, technically) have built a porch, a garden, a greenhouse, an apiary and a life.  So much has changed and become new (yes!  It does spring forth, and I do perceive it!), and some things remain very much constant:  His presence, His provision, His care, His attention to details. His apparent love for just a hint of irony in my life.

And some things have come new... again. 

I'm back on my yoga mat regularly, and finding the Joy, presence, flexibility and challenge that yoga entails. It's once again a home - a safe place to explore and grow.  And Thursday nights are some of my favorite times on my mat.

As I was preparing to leave for class, I noticed the fish I'd ordered for my tiny-little-pond had arrived.  I opened the package and planned to drop them into the tiny-little-pond on my way out.  Plot twist: all dead. 

Now late leaving home, I rushed to the yoga studio, lay my mat in "my spot", and tried to be still in the few minutes before class.

Class started and we were instructed to close our eyes, and something else - honestly not sure what - and I thought "I am grateful for today".  And I am.  I'm grateful for the years, the experiences, the unanswered prayers. Grateful for freedom to choose and breathe deeply and trust that ultimately He will provide, and to experience "abundance" in a new way. And yet, a touch of mourning I'd been avoiding earlier was there as well.

We placed our hands - one on the abdomen, one on the chest - so we could feel the breath as it entered and exited our bodies. We were asked to notice what we felt. The instructor was talking about our breath.  I felt a warm tear roll down one cheek, and then the other.

"Dead fish.  Dead marriage.  Cute, God."  On my right hand, I quickly finger-spelled "i-r-o-n-y" (and briefly wondered the actual ASL sign for the word).

We were asked if we had any request for class:  poses, areas to focus on, etc.  Like young Harry Potter, as he sat under the Sorting Hat, shortly after arriving at Hogwarts, I thought "Not camel pose.  Not camel pose..."  immediately followed by a "not my will, but Yours be done".  I trust the place, the instructor, and His presence.  If the instructor feels lead to walk us through camel pose, so be it.  I could cry in front of these people. All good. (And nothing could be QUITE as spectacular as the post-camel cry I experienced early in my yoga years, as I was walking thru my divorce.  If I survived THAT - bring it on!)

I wiped my tears as surreptitiously as I could. We moved on.  Sitting on our shins and heels, stretching the quads. Leaning back, raise the hips...

"Holy hell.  We're gonna do camel..." 

And yet, we didn't. We did camel-LIKE postures: all heart and shoulder openers. Again on my hand "i-r-o-n-y".

Then warriors and balances, and some lovely flowing sequences made up of warriors and balances. 

I glanced at my watch - noted that time was nearly up. And then I hear: "Next, we're going to do camel..."

I couldn't help myself.  I looked up and to the right - the traditional position for God's presence from my interpreting days, and off of my right hand (and face), I signed "REALLY‽ "

Really.

And we did. I reached back, found my heels and kept my thighs as upright as possible.  Camel. Done. Without a tear.

Then into child's pose - where I met a giggle.  It's the "new thing" in my yoga practice these days:  giggles. Where I once shed tears and found less sadness, I now experience giggles and find more Joy.

Finally savasana: corpse pose - where one lays still as the dead (and my brain takes up the slack for the ever-so-quiet body).  "I am grateful for this day".  Tears again ran down my face and now into my ears. "Irony", I thought. He has made a way in the wilderness of my life.  And rivers in the desert, I suppose. My life feels lush and green, though, so....

And then another giggle with the thought of my kid returning home to find the bottle of dead fish on the kitchen counter where I left them in my rush out the door. 

One Thing Remains

It has been a long, hard year.

Two kids in three different schools means lots of change, collaboration, uncertainty and flexibility.

Yet, in the midst of the whirlwind - of schedule and geographic adaptation (or not) - one thing has remained constant.


You.


In the midst of the uncertainty, You are sure.

In the midst of the chaos, You are calm.

In the midst of my weakness, You are strong.

In the midst of my fear, You are hope.

In the midst of my frustration, You are peace.

In the midst of my sorrow, You are joy.

In the midst of it all, You are more.



None of this is too hard for You.

None of this surprises You.

And nothing You have done today is any different than what You have previously done for me, and for mine.



You continue to provide.

You continue to lead and to guide.

You continue to comfort.

You continue to call us forth.



And grateful am I,

for Your timing,

for Your presence,

and, for the people you have placed in our path - before we have needed them.  Always before we have needed them!



You lead me forward, and I come again, to the verse of so many years ago.

Then Samuel took a stone and set it up between Mizpah and Shen.  He named it Ebenezer, saying, "Thus far, the Lord has helped us"  
~ 1 Samuel 7:12


Everything is different, yet nothing has changed.


Thank You, God.

"I can't"

I had just finished reading my friend's blog, when I went out on the mower to cut the grass.  For some reason, God uses these opportunities to speak to me - perhaps it's  because I can't quickly escape, or the task is fairly routine, or the hum of the car and mower engine are there to soothe me.... probably the first, but who knows for sure.... it's on the list of questions to ask when I get there....

So, after reading my friend's blog (which I'd highly recommend), on letting God be God, (titled Let Me Be ) and taking a few passes around the yard with the music playing, I began to recall all the times I have said "I can't" recently.

"I can't possibly do what You have asked"

"I can't possibly ask that question!"

"I can't.....I'm afraid"

"I can't....I don't know how"

"I can't....I will cry"

"I can't...."

"I can't...."

"I can't...."


And, then, very quietly, above the sound of the mower and of the music in my ears, I hear:

"I'm not asking you to.  I'm asking you to stop saying "I can't",  and let me..."

God Loves Me Soooooo Crazy-Much!

I can't even begin to describe it....but I want to preserve it, so here goes nothin'! 

It's my feeble attempt to capture the Love of God in the written word....<ha! Good luck with that!>

~~~~~~~

This morning, I headed to church. 

It wasn't my "home church"- but a friend's church.  On my calendar, I had planned to make the early evening service, but wasn't sure I'd be done at camp in time.  The service at my "home church" wouldn't get me TO camp in time, so up I got and headed further down the road to worship where time would allow...(at least in the morning...and perhaps again in the evening...)

That was MY plan...

So there I sat.  Singing, listening, and visualizing the ASL signs in my head (one day, they may fly off my hands there....but not today).

God met me there <of course He did!>. There, He spoke to me - through the words of scripture, and through the words of men.  Through the music itself, and through the words of a song. <naturally!>.

They even played the song that has been speaking to me, and "calling" to me. <of course they did!> The same song I sing as a prayer - that He will continue to "call me out upon the waters"... 

"Where feet may fail".  

In my head, the signs for that phrase come out "depend myself can't".  Yeah.  That.  

Where He calls these days, I can't go on my own.  MY feet WILL fail.

And then come the other songs that also speak to me....the lyric phrase that randomly came into my head last week...yeah, that song.  The phrase that I wrote just minutes before as I collected my thoughts.  And the one that reminds me, "it is well with my soul".  Yeah, that one, too.

And, so, the service ends, and I prepare to leave.   And I knew, "NO WAY" could I come back that night....  no. way. 

There's only so much "growing" and "stretching" a girl can do in a day.  Only so much insight and facing "that" that can happen (within my comfort zone).

As I start my car, my phone auto-connects to the car's bluetooth, and the music starts itself playing through the speakers:  "Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders, let me walk upon the waters, wherever You may call me".  <oh yeah, like back to the chair, where You will speak to me some more, challenge me some more, stretch me some more....LOVE me some more....> 

I'm <a little> afraid at the thought <of having to trust outside the borders of my (little) comfort zone>.

There, in my head, the signs fly, "depend myself can't". <bam. convicted>.

I recall the picture I recently "share"d on Facebook - "Don't ask Him to lead you, if you're not willing to move your feet". <bam. convicted>

The song continues, "take me deeper than my feet could ever wander, and my faith will become stronger, in the presence of my Saviour". <bam. convicted>

Ok. Ok.  I'll move my feet!  

God willing (literally), I'll go....I'll go.  "To whichever evening service Your timing will allow."

And so, I ended up being at the later <prayer> gathering.

Somehow, <by the Grace of God>, I made it into the building without a full-blown panic attack.

I climbed the stairs to the upper room.  <One. Step. At. A. Time.>

I grabbed a chair, but ended up sitting on the floor <my preference>....

against a strong, tree-like post, in this beautiful upper room....

with brick walls.....

and (old) hardwood floors....

and big windows.....

with the sun setting through them.....

and candles lit in the sills.....

and candles in lanterns along the floor....

and a wrought iron chandelier.... <does God know me, or what?!>

And people -young people- praising, and worshipping, and reading scripture, and praying for the city just outside the windows. <Hope embodied!>

And I sang, and I prayed.  And I laughed at the lengths He will go to reach me - to get me <literally> "on my knees".  

And it was beautiful....

amazingly beautiful.   

The series of songs that ended the gathering, touched my heart and brought tears to my eyes....

He answers our prayers, in His time and in His way....of that I am very aware..... <even the "trivial" ones>

<Trust Him, Linda....Trust. "Without borders">

And where He calls us, He equips us, and He meets us.  Sweetly and tenderly.  

And He heals hearts <in His time and in His way>.... Hosannah!

And interwoven throughout the entire experience, <aka: my entire life!>

Is the undeniable fact that....

God loves me .... 

Sooo crazy-much!

An Invitation to Dance

I wonder how I can go through my life, day after day, without noticing.  And then, all of a sudden, something that I have seen before, and apparently overlooked, is so breathtaking, it captures my complete attention. I can't NOT look.

I wonder if sometimes it takes a little dreariness to see what's been there all along, inviting me to experience life to the fullest. Honestly, I think they wait for just the right moment to call to me. Those moments when my heart and my head are in perfect position to see and to hear and to feel...

If that is the case, then today's experience makes complete sense....

It was an overcast day. The rain had ceased, but the sun had yet to break through the cloud covering.  I was feeling a little "overcast" as well....or is it overwhelmed?  Either way, my schedule for the day had changed, so rather than being a little "caught up", I was feeling significantly "farther behind".

As I drove,  I considered timing, to do's and deadlines and the "urgencies" that crept ever closer.  My breath shallowed as a bit of dread crept in.

I began to think of the Joys in my life, and of love.  I remembered my status from the morning - "Love is about open arms..."  And then, how that sentence ends.  I shift to gratitude for those people and situations who have helped pry my arms free of myself.... but still, I can't shake the feeling that I'll never get caught up enough to really be still.


I click "play" on my phone, to hear the remainder of today's daily bible reading:  Mark 14.  One of my favorite scenes - the woman, anointing Jesus with her "alabaster flask of pure nard".  Something about her deep love and her intuitive knowing always touches my heart. "She has done a beautiful thing for me".  My heart longs to do the same....


And then, I notice the trees.  I have been watching them lately - the big, empty-leaved ones.  The ones that are JUST BEGINNING to show a tinge of red at the tips of their branches.  I've noticed that if I let my gaze be just out of focus as I am driving along, they are covered in a reddish hue.  They are preparing to bud.  Spring is coming.  SOON!


"Behold, I am doing a new thing!  Now it springs forth; do you not perceive it?"  Yes, Lord, I DO perceive it....  I see what you are doing with the earth, I see what you are doing in the lives of my friends, and I feel what you are doing within me.


I have managed to slow down enough to catch the very beginning of this springtime!  YES!  (I love that!) I long to savor the moments and catch the subtleties of the changing seasons.


But, as I drive the familiar road through the rural countryside, it is not the leafless budding trees I notice.  It is the ones that DO have leaves - still holding tight to their autumn colors..  Leaves that appear golden yellow, or a shimmering white.  There they are, scattered amid the taller trees.  All throughout the forest, they stand with open arms inviting me to dance!


And oh how I wish I could!


Perhaps one day, I will remember my boots....


And one day - if you're driving that road, and you see a woman swirling and spinning among the trees - it's just me... 

accepting His invitation...

I Will Give You All of Me

I sit and think of the word “worship”, and the ways I have previously understood and used it in the past. I have considered and referred to “worship” as simply the musical part of our service. Although there is worship that occurs as we sing and play (and perhaps dance), it is not the entirety of the experience.

I have used it to describe a means to get to a certain feeling, or a path for feeling refreshed, and alive.

As I grow to love Jesus more and more, I realize worship is so much deeper than that….and so much more than a Sunday Morning experience. We worship whatever rules our time, energy, thoughts, longings and choices. I make time on Sunday mornings to come and gather, and to “worship”. But what about Monday? And Tuesday?

What about the times midweek when I experience His favor? Do I stop, even momentarily, to acknowledge His hand and His presence in the everyday experiences of my life? Do I yield to His direction on a Thursday afternoon when I am running behind? I’m learning to.
In collecting my thoughts to write on the topic of worship, I found myself searching the Word, the dictionary, and of course, the internet. There, I stumbled on a definition that I long to embrace. William Temple writes:

“Worship is the submission of all of our nature to God.
It is the quickening of conscience by His holiness,
Nourishment of mind by His truth,
Purifying of imagination by His beauty,
Opening of the heart to His love,
And submission of will to His purpose.
And all this gathered up in adoration
is the greatest of human expressions of which we are capable.”


The Word is full of examples of people and groups of people gathering to worship God. He is continually seeking “true worshipers” (John 4:23-24). I am grateful for our “worship team” and our corporate gatherings – they are essential! I am grateful that worship moves me, but…
Ultimately, worship is not about me. It is about being in the presence of the One True Living God, acknowledging that He is so much greater than I will ever be, allowing myself to be overcome by His love, and surrendering all-of-me to All-of Him.

Anytime.

Anywhere.

God at the Gas Pump

 I have begun reading through the Bible-in-a-year....again.  I completed it for the first time just before Christmas and

I. 

Loved. 

It.  

So I have begun again, with a little different reading plan.

Now, truth be told, "reading" would be, perhaps, stretching it a little bit.  I'm having it read to me.  Which I REALLY love.  It had been my morning routine:  drop the kids at school, and press 'play' on the bible reader on my phone, and hear the Word of God read over me.  But, the routine got a little off with the holidays, so I got a little off.... thus, I've been a little behind.

Today, though, I had an opportunity to catch up. An hour drive to (and from) a meeting seemed like the perfect opportunity to blast through a couple of days.  I was in Exodus, hearing about the daily manna that God provided to the Israelites in the wilderness.... and the warning that storing up more than a day's worth just led to worms and stink.

It reminded me of how God has continually provided for me and my family.... even - and especially - when I didn't know how it could possibly work out. I paid special attention to the fact that, in each day, there is enough, without needing to fear for lack in the days to come.  Trying to depend on myself by "stocking up" on His blessings and provisions, only leaves me with a big stinky, wormy mess.  Despite His faithfulness, I still struggle with that from time to time.

I pulled into the gas station to get enough gas to get to the meeting. Gas prices there are SIGNIFICANTLY lower, so my plan was to fill up on my way home. I just needed enough to GET there.  As I began to pump my $10 worth of gas into my tank, I was reminded of the days - not that long ago - when I would put $10 of gas into my tank, and hope I could squeeze out enough miles to last until my next pay check.  I always managed to... or "somehow" another $10 came my way.

 As I stood there in the cold, on the other side of the pump, a car pulled forward.  Then, I looked more closely, and noticed it was being PUSHED forward.  

"Do you think $5 will get you where you need to go?" the man asked the woman as she stepped out of the car. 

"Yes!  Thank you!"  she replied.  

I realized then that they did not know each other. What I was witnessing was a blessing.  One stranger extending God's grace to another.

She began to share the circumstances she was facing - the primary one being "a nasty divorce".  

As I waited for the dial on my pump to hit $10.00, I considered my options.... do I contribute?  Do I speak?

No.... this one was their opportunity.  "You will have your opportunity soon...," I heard deep down within me.  (I'm on the watch! yes!)

So I thanked Him for letting me witness this gift, and whispered my prayers for the people on the other side of the pump: The woman in need, and those ministering to her.

As I drove away, I smiled.

Once again, humbled by the goodness of God and the way He uses everyday people to demonstrate His mercy and grace...

The Paradox of Strength

I am continually awed by how interwoven the moments of my life can be.... and how such seemingly different events bring such a seamless lesson plan for my life.

Apparently, the current general topic is "strength" (ha, ha) ....

 I first began to notice this lesson being woven into the days of my life as I was watching TV.  In one scene, a dying woman was asked, "Where to you find the strength?"  Her reply comes, "We're women, honey. Strength finds us." 

 I smiled. 

That has been my experience, too. Strength has found me - over and over again - most often when I least expected it, and when I was sure I had none of my own.

And yet, in one area, I still hold tightly to every ounce of my own strength.  I stand with fists clenched, knowing full well that, ultimately,  this does not serve me well. 

And ever so gently, I am being reminded...

One of my New Favorite Songs is "I Won't Give Up" by Jason Mraz.  My daughter introduced it to me (I love that!)

It is an "us" song, which is a new genre for me to dare to listen. It's a bit funny (to me anyway) that I'm so taken by it.  There are lots of people in my life, but there is no "us", as it is sung out in this song.  Yet, I listen and I sing.... again and again...

From time to time, different lyrics call out to me.  Driving home, the other day, it was the verse, "God knows I'm tough enough...". 

I laughed.

 Oh yeah, He does.  And He knows how strongly I fight this... this... WEAKNESS.

Vulnerability.

My "soft side".

Daring to dream and daring to trust.

And, yet, as the song replays I am reminded of His power being perfected in my weakness.  His power.  Love's power.

Unfailing Love and All-Sufficient Grace. The Power to move mountains and harden the hearts of Pharaohs....The Power to change the world ... and soften my heart.

The paradox hits me then.  I am not being "tough" or "strong" defending my heart. I'm being stubborn... and I am walking in fear, in disbelief, and not in His grace, and not in His love.

I've heard it said - again and again lately - "it is in the doing that we are changed".

May I remember the last of that verse: "For when I am weak, then I am strong."  May I walk on faith, let my 'thorn' be a reminder, and experience the sufficiency of His grace.


And in the 'doing' may I be changed.



"God knows I'm tough enough (I am tough, I am loved)"

Oh, and P.S.  I love a good sense of humor....

Album title:  "Love is a four-letter word".... hahahahaha

2 Corinthians 12:9-10

English Standard Version (ESV)

⁹ But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. ¹⁰ For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

My story, Your plan

Though I have been silent here for months and months, God has busily been at work in my life and in the lives of those around me...

I cannot begin to describe everything that had happened....honestly, I likely don't even know "everything that had happened".... But i do know, my life has been changed....for the better.

My heart is softening, and i sometimes even dare to dream...

And....

I can see Him using me and my story to minister to and encourage others. 

And that is the thing I love the most....being able to pay it forward...and in the midst of it all, being reminded again of how faithful God had been in my life...

"Living the Dream"

"Living the Dream!"  It's my standard response at work, when there's too much to do, not enough time and what I'm really thinking is entirely inappropriate...

I'm learning, It may also fit elsewhere in my life....

"Dare to Dream" has been the challenge that has stepped forth again.  And, one, I must admit that I struggle with greatly.  Honestly, trimming the grass of my acre yard with cuticle scissors seems more feasible (and reasonable in my mind) some days.

Yet it won't leave me alone.  It keeps popping up here and there, so I tried to sit with it for a while.

What would I dare to dream?  For my house: Easy. Yard: Easy. Me: no go.

So I tried to sneak around the subject with myself a little bit.  Ask it differently.  "When was the last time I Dared to Dream?"

 Uhm.... Oh yeah!  I dreamed about being a mother and being able to be home with them.

And then I paused.

I'm doing that.

And there it was, in the back of my mind:  "Living the Dream!"

Indignant, I said out loud, "This is NOT my dream!"

Laura Story's song Blessings played on the radio:  "....Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops...."

And, what if I'm doing this "alone" so that I will more greatly depend on You?

Yet, still, this is not my dream.... I fall short in a million ways.....

And You step in  in a million and one....

You surround me with people who love me, support me, encourage me, challenge me, and point me to You.

You bring the perfect music to minister to me on any given day.

You cover me with Grace, Forgiveness, Love and a whole bunch of promises - none of which I deserve.

You step in at the perfect time, and speak through me, just the words I need to hear.

Like today, trimming the maple. (Yes, I talk to my trees!)  "I'm not doing this to hurt you...."

Hmmmm...

So, perhaps I am "Living the Dream".... and I just need to get myself out of the way, so that I can listen to the quiet whisperings that You have set in my heart, and melodies that surround my life....

So that I can open my eyes to the beauty that surrounds me, and have hope to see things yet unseen...

So that I can trust that You will lead.... and that it is safe for me to follow....

And so that perhaps, I truly can "Dare to Dream!"

BIG!

"Dare to Dream..."

Seriously?!

We're going there again?

Uhm, well, yeah, You're right, we never really got past that...

Yes, but You remember what happened last time?

Yeah.  Figured You did.  *sigh*

So... You want to go back there?

Really?

Yes.  I know.  I know.

But.... what if....

Yes.  I know.... "trust You"...

"Dare to Dream"?  Must I...?

I don't know that I can.

I'm not sure I want to 'cause....

Yes.  I know.  I know.... "trust You"...

"I Think Love Does That...."

It never ceases to amaze me.... He jumps into the midst of a conversation, and with the very words I am speaking to another, He speaks to me.

"I think Love does that...."

I paused.... amused.

Yeah.... it does. 

Love does do that.

Thank You for reminding me!

Balance

"Courageous" and "Brave"

Priorities and Change

"Fears vs. Dreams"

Endurance and Perseverance

Quotes on Facebook and verses from my bible

Conversations with strangers and prayers with friends

Questions from others and questions from within.

All coming at me.  All at the same time.  All from different sources. All tying together.

I wish I had been writing them down.  With dates and times and sources.

'Cause it's funny when this begins to happen.....  I notice a few things that tie together, and a few other things, that - at the time - seem to go together in a separate and different way.  And then another piece will surface and tie the two seemingly unrelated parts into one in a seamless joining.

And what I want to do is sit....and be still....and observe - and be somewhat amused by it all.  Take time to receive each piece. Breathe it in. Examine it. Incorporate it.  Feel it. Live it.

But there is life in this world that needs addressing as well.  Kids to raise, a house to clean, a pile of laundry and a job or two...

I know the two are not mutually exclusive - and in the balance there is time to do both.... wisely balance the Martha and the Mary.  The urgent and the important.

But in this moment, that often seems elusive.

I pray that it will come.  That I will be shown the steps and the path.

I pray for wisdom and guidance.

I pray for the piece that will bring these two together.

I feel like it is coming...

I pray for balance.

Sufficient Grace

So, as it usually goes, it's been a long and winding path, with bits and pieces collected along the way, that somehow become a whole, complete thought.... and a lesson for me.

It began mid-February.  I had noticed a tattoo in a picture (it's an occupational hazard after so many years working in trauma!) - it seemed to say "... the greatest of these is love", which - "coincidentally" - had most recently been a status of mine on Facebook.  It turns out my hunch was correct, it was indeed 1 Corinthians 13:13.  I thought at the time "Literally, writing love on his arm" - a reference in my mind to the non-profit movement I'd heard about a few years ago, "To Write Love on Her Arms".

Today, I checked out their website.  One of the links I found was promoting a new initiative coming soon, Fears vs. Dreams, which asks two very interesting questions:  "What is your biggest fear?" and "What is your greatest dream?"  I was surprised (and actually appalled) that I couldn't immediately answer either one.

As it often happens, the car is the place where He sits quietly with me and teaches.  I sat in silence and began my drive home.

My greatest fear.... hmmmmm.... (Do I actually have to *speak* it?)

I thought for a while, with different potential answers coming to mind.... "no, not that..."  But, I began to notice the pattern that was emerging, and the theme:  Being "enough"....which, of course, for those of you who know me, means so much more than simply "enough"...

 I shook my head silently.... "well, if that's all it is...."  Really?  My greatest fear is not being  "enough"? 

Problem solved. (Seriously!)

I will NEVER be "enough".

Never.

Not this side of Heaven.

And if that's all it is, there's no longer a need to fear it - I already know it. 


If only it were that easy.


But..., what I also know is that He is.

He is the "enough" that I want to be.



I think of all the ways I have tried to be "enough".... and all the ways I've tried to deal with the fact that I am not.

As I continue on, I "hear" Him say "My grace is sufficient for you....."

The tears spill from my eyes, as I think to myself, "Hold me, Jesus..."

And then a grin starts to form, as the rest of the verse comes to mind....


"...for [Your] power is made perfect in [my] weakness".





2 Corinthians 12:9 ESV


But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.

Stifling Joy

(Finally, FINALLY!  an opportunity to sit and write! YES!)

So many blog stories are collecting in my head, and funny, it's THIS one that demands to be written.  It is the newest, the scene witnessed only hours ago...



It's a work day, and I am in the cafeteria, standing in line, waiting to order some breakfast.  I notice a toddler and her big brother - himself probably five - walking hand in hand.  My Mom-radar goes off, and I watch to be sure they are walking with a purpose TOWARD an adult they know and not searching for one.

Then I see her (phew), not far off, and I hear her ask the oldest, "Did you take her?"  He nods.  Then to the younger, she asks "Did you tee-tee?"  I can barely hold back my grin and I look away as the young girl nods.  Her mother nods too.

And then I hear it.

"Yaaaaaaaay!"

It's not the mother - it's the girl.  I look back.  She is smiling from ear to ear and clapping her hands.  Joy.

I smile and wonder....   It's not that I want applause, or exuberant joy every time I use the bathroom, BUT...

I think about the process.  At first it's amazing and wonderful, and we celebrate.  And then, it becomes common place - OR we are taught that it is no longer a reason to celebrate.  Either way, we begin to take it for granted - or worse yet, stifle the Joy.

I watch the children at church, running, dancing and spinning, laughing - and I wonder when and why, as we become "grown-up"s, we lose that.  It becomes, somehow, "not appropriate".

But you know none of it is a guarantee. This day, this breath, or the next.  None of it.  I wonder how many things I have come to take for granted....

And I wonder, too... if I have been taught to be disconnected from Joy - or at least reign it in... if I can learn to see it again, and express it fully.

To dance in the rain and spin in the falling snow and run with the sun on my face and the wind in my hair. To experience Joy in it's fullest.

Of late, some of my favorite moments have been sitting next to my boy-child, and letting him "swype-text" on my phone.  He wiggles his finger around on the screen, across the letter pad, and waits, expectedly, to see what word the dictionary chooses to display.  And then, it begins.  The giggling.

Uncontrollable giggling - contagious to the point of tears.  We laugh as the tears stream down our faces.  And, once able to breathe fully, he points his finger out again...

Joy...

Glory to God in the Highest!

The song I have been listening to most recently - again and again - as I drive, and the chorus and melody that fill my head at other times, has been one that I discovered recently "by accident".  It is Glory to God in the Highest, by Downhere.  (Take a minute to listen, if you haven't heard it... it's OK, I'll wait... )

As is typical of a New Favorite Song, as it sinks deeper and deeper into my being, not only do I begin to feel it, but I begin to imagine myself within it.  I also start "seeing" it - in concept form - as the signs come forth, as if I were interpreting it in American Sign Language.

Now, I am sure it is helpful that most of my driving recently has been through the countryside of rural middle Tennessee.  I drive along and see the hillsides.  I see the livestock grazing.  I know the depth of the darkness that occurs there at night with only the moon and the stars as a source of light.

So, when I hear the guys of Downhere singing of "hillsides of moonlight and shooting stars", I see that.  I know that.  I remember spending a night on a hillside in Colorado years ago.  Nothing but "moonlight and [shooting] stars".  Quiet. Peaceful.

And I can imagine the shepherds, sitting there or standing there.... having a regular night at work.  What I can't imagine - and honestly get choked up and "chill bumps" every time I think of it - is sitting there, having a regular night at work, and having that darkness of "a crisp blue night" suddenly break "with full day light".  No WONDER the angels first words were "Fear not".  "Afraid" would not even begin to describe what I imagine I would have felt...

Seriously, "hosts of heaven's angels filling the sky".... I see that as I sign it.  It's amazing.  Indescribably incredible.  Words do not do it justice.  There are *not* words - only that deep stillness within. Wow.

So as I drive along, belting out the chorus, "Glory to God in the highest...", I am so grateful.  For His birth.... and His death, and His resurrection.  For the fact that, for me, Christmas is more than a tree and presents, and time with family.  Those are great, don't get me wrong.  They are just nothing compared to what else we have been given.  "The greatest [gift] of Light"



Luke 2:8-20 ESV
8 And in the same region there were shepherds out in the field, keeping watch over their flock by night. 9 And an angel of the Lord appeared to them, and the glory of the Lord shone around them, and they were filled with great fear. 10 And the angel said to them, “Fear not, for behold, I bring you good news of great joy that will be for all the people. 11 For unto you is born this day in the city of David a Savior, who is Christ the Lord. 12 And this will be a sign for you: you will find a baby wrapped in swaddling cloths and lying in a manger.” 13 And suddenly there was with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host praising God and saying,



14 “Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace among those with whom he is pleased!”
15 When the angels went away from them into heaven, the shepherds said to one another, “Let us go over to Bethlehem and see this thing that has happened, which the Lord has made known to us.” 16 And they went with haste and found Mary and Joseph, and the baby lying in a manger. 17 And when they saw it, they made known the saying that had been told them concerning this child. 18 And all who heard it wondered at what the shepherds told them. 19 But Mary treasured up all these things, pondering them in her heart. 20 And the shepherds returned, glorifying and praising God for all they had heard and seen, as it had been told them.




Glory to God in the Highest ~ Downhere

On hillsides of moonlight and shooting stars,

Shepherds keep the late watch on a crisp blue night,
Suddenly the darkness, breaks with full day light,
With hosts of heavens angels filling the sky.


"Glory to God, in the highest! now here in Bethlehem,
Glory to God in the highest! the Child who will save all men!"


Rushing to the city, sandal slipping cobblestone,
Find they in the great story, for centuries we've now known,
Pouring out with wonder, the shepherds step outside,
and lift worn hands to heaven singing aloud...
"Glory to God, in the highest! now here in Bethlehem,
Glory to God in the highest! the Child who will save all men"
Now until He returns, remember this time;
When least of men where given the greatest of light,
That God chose not to glory in wealth, power, fame..
but with the simple and the small he came.

"Glory to God, in the highest! now here in Bethlehem,
Glory to God in the highest! the Child who will save all men!"