Independence and Transparency

I hesitate to write this post - and honestly, have put it off for a few days...

Those who know me "in real life", know that I am "Independent to a fault". I also try to remain very "transparent" - especially in areas where I struggle.

These two things - independence and transparency - are pretty dichotomous. And, would you believe, also the two things about which God is very actively "stalking" me. The reason I hesitate, is there are people "in real life" who read this and love me enough to confront me on it. But, I'm learning - one will kill me, the other will make me strong.

So here I go. "Independent to a fault", that's me. If I CAN do it, I will. If I CAN do it without help, I will. And, even if I THINK I MIGHT be able to do it, I will try. I laugh now to think of the time I tried to load my grill into my minivan when we moved. It's a nice big grill - side burner and all. I managed to get it up onto my knees, balanced on my lap, before I lost my balance. It was the slow-motion backward fall that sticks in my mind. I landed gently onto one arm - so it's now me, backwards, two legs and one arm on the ground, grill still on my lap, LAUGHING hysterically, thanking God for lowering me gently and begging for help up!

This time, as I read The Shack, I am writing down lines that speak to me. One that knocked me square between the eyes reads: "When we choose independence over relationship, we become a danger to each other". Guilty as charged. In the midst of our marriage series, I of course think back to the days of raising infant twins. Sure, I COULD manage most of their daily care - so I did...and very rarely asked for help.

Independence leads to isolation. It builds walls around my heart, disconnects me from others and from God. And I don't mean the type of independence I'm trying to instill in my children - brush your own teeth, dress yourselves. I'm talking the kind of independence that shadows truth - the kind that attempts to make up for vulnerabilities and protect our hearts from disappointment.

I am better at the aspect of independence that tries to force it's way. As I sit here now, I'm very aware that I will likely not get the overtime shifts I signed up for this weekend. It seems that He thinks I need time with Him more than I need the money right now. I would be lying if I told you I accepted that gracefully. I struggled for some time with trying to figure out how I could possibly work a different floor or a different shift....I think, as of now, I may have accepted it. Maybe.

But I still struggle with allowing others to help me... of being willing to risk and hope and trust.

How's THAT for transparent?! It's a little scary sometimes, but it is the only way that I can live in truth. It keeps me honest and "real". It helps develop humility. It keeps me truly connected to others, and allows others to see my struggles, the traps into which I have fallen... and the glorious ways that God has worked in the midst of it all - in spite of me!

Independence and Transparency. One will kill me, the other make me stronger. Why is it that the world has them reversed? My strength is in my weakness - in those moments where I am willing to allow Him to step in...or send others here on earth to minister to me as well...

Search me, Try me, Lead me

I love this verse.

Search me,
Try me, and
Lead me.

Open my heart - come in, explore. Show me the things that need to be refined, removed, renewed. Guide me along the way everlasting.... YOUR way, not mine.

It comes down to three parts, really: Willingness to become transparent before God - allowing Him to explore my interior world and challenge me outside of my comfort zone. To listen to the results of His interior survey, and then to surrender my plans to His, and allow Him to transform me. Easier said than done, for sure!

Open my heart - come in, explore. Speak to me. Show me. Refine me. Humble me, and lead me along your path.


Psalm 139:23-24.

Accountability, Transparency and Respectable Sin

It has been a long time coming...I have heard it in so many ways and from so many people. I know it in my mind and I have heard it in my heart. I have finally been given the courage to speak it. One of the "respectable sins" that I struggle with is my relationship with food.

It has been a life-long struggle, if I am honest - though I haven't always been aware of it. I have recently become aware of the fact that I turn to 'comfort foods' when I should turn to God. The irony is, of course that 'comfort food', comforts only very briefly. It then often becomes uncomfortable - either physically, mentally or emotionally. Since my awareness, it has also become uncomfortable spiritually.

This 'body temple' is not as God has designed it. I have not cared for it as I should. It is time to change that. Accountability, Transparency and bringing it forth, is the only way I know to loosen the noose enough, so I can finally let it go and give it to God.

So, before my house becomes a temporary storehouse for literally a thousand boxes of Girl Scout cookies, I have chosen to "show up", bring it to the Light, and trust that His Grace will be sufficient.

May I turn to You in my moments of fear and frustration. Search my heart - shine Your Light in any dark corners where pieces of this may still be hiding. Free me.


"Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; ²⁰you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body," (1 Cor. 6:19-20).