The Paradox of Strength

I am continually awed by how interwoven the moments of my life can be.... and how such seemingly different events bring such a seamless lesson plan for my life.

Apparently, the current general topic is "strength" (ha, ha) ....

 I first began to notice this lesson being woven into the days of my life as I was watching TV.  In one scene, a dying woman was asked, "Where to you find the strength?"  Her reply comes, "We're women, honey. Strength finds us." 

 I smiled. 

That has been my experience, too. Strength has found me - over and over again - most often when I least expected it, and when I was sure I had none of my own.

And yet, in one area, I still hold tightly to every ounce of my own strength.  I stand with fists clenched, knowing full well that, ultimately,  this does not serve me well. 

And ever so gently, I am being reminded...

One of my New Favorite Songs is "I Won't Give Up" by Jason Mraz.  My daughter introduced it to me (I love that!)

It is an "us" song, which is a new genre for me to dare to listen. It's a bit funny (to me anyway) that I'm so taken by it.  There are lots of people in my life, but there is no "us", as it is sung out in this song.  Yet, I listen and I sing.... again and again...

From time to time, different lyrics call out to me.  Driving home, the other day, it was the verse, "God knows I'm tough enough...". 

I laughed.

 Oh yeah, He does.  And He knows how strongly I fight this... this... WEAKNESS.

Vulnerability.

My "soft side".

Daring to dream and daring to trust.

And, yet, as the song replays I am reminded of His power being perfected in my weakness.  His power.  Love's power.

Unfailing Love and All-Sufficient Grace. The Power to move mountains and harden the hearts of Pharaohs....The Power to change the world ... and soften my heart.

The paradox hits me then.  I am not being "tough" or "strong" defending my heart. I'm being stubborn... and I am walking in fear, in disbelief, and not in His grace, and not in His love.

I've heard it said - again and again lately - "it is in the doing that we are changed".

May I remember the last of that verse: "For when I am weak, then I am strong."  May I walk on faith, let my 'thorn' be a reminder, and experience the sufficiency of His grace.


And in the 'doing' may I be changed.



"God knows I'm tough enough (I am tough, I am loved)"

Oh, and P.S.  I love a good sense of humor....

Album title:  "Love is a four-letter word".... hahahahaha

2 Corinthians 12:9-10

English Standard Version (ESV)

⁹ But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. ¹⁰ For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

My story, Your plan

Though I have been silent here for months and months, God has busily been at work in my life and in the lives of those around me...

I cannot begin to describe everything that had happened....honestly, I likely don't even know "everything that had happened".... But i do know, my life has been changed....for the better.

My heart is softening, and i sometimes even dare to dream...

And....

I can see Him using me and my story to minister to and encourage others. 

And that is the thing I love the most....being able to pay it forward...and in the midst of it all, being reminded again of how faithful God had been in my life...

"Living the Dream"

"Living the Dream!"  It's my standard response at work, when there's too much to do, not enough time and what I'm really thinking is entirely inappropriate...

I'm learning, It may also fit elsewhere in my life....

"Dare to Dream" has been the challenge that has stepped forth again.  And, one, I must admit that I struggle with greatly.  Honestly, trimming the grass of my acre yard with cuticle scissors seems more feasible (and reasonable in my mind) some days.

Yet it won't leave me alone.  It keeps popping up here and there, so I tried to sit with it for a while.

What would I dare to dream?  For my house: Easy. Yard: Easy. Me: no go.

So I tried to sneak around the subject with myself a little bit.  Ask it differently.  "When was the last time I Dared to Dream?"

 Uhm.... Oh yeah!  I dreamed about being a mother and being able to be home with them.

And then I paused.

I'm doing that.

And there it was, in the back of my mind:  "Living the Dream!"

Indignant, I said out loud, "This is NOT my dream!"

Laura Story's song Blessings played on the radio:  "....Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops...."

And, what if I'm doing this "alone" so that I will more greatly depend on You?

Yet, still, this is not my dream.... I fall short in a million ways.....

And You step in  in a million and one....

You surround me with people who love me, support me, encourage me, challenge me, and point me to You.

You bring the perfect music to minister to me on any given day.

You cover me with Grace, Forgiveness, Love and a whole bunch of promises - none of which I deserve.

You step in at the perfect time, and speak through me, just the words I need to hear.

Like today, trimming the maple. (Yes, I talk to my trees!)  "I'm not doing this to hurt you...."

Hmmmm...

So, perhaps I am "Living the Dream".... and I just need to get myself out of the way, so that I can listen to the quiet whisperings that You have set in my heart, and melodies that surround my life....

So that I can open my eyes to the beauty that surrounds me, and have hope to see things yet unseen...

So that I can trust that You will lead.... and that it is safe for me to follow....

And so that perhaps, I truly can "Dare to Dream!"

BIG!

"Dare to Dream..."

Seriously?!

We're going there again?

Uhm, well, yeah, You're right, we never really got past that...

Yes, but You remember what happened last time?

Yeah.  Figured You did.  *sigh*

So... You want to go back there?

Really?

Yes.  I know.  I know.

But.... what if....

Yes.  I know.... "trust You"...

"Dare to Dream"?  Must I...?

I don't know that I can.

I'm not sure I want to 'cause....

Yes.  I know.  I know.... "trust You"...

"I Think Love Does That...."

It never ceases to amaze me.... He jumps into the midst of a conversation, and with the very words I am speaking to another, He speaks to me.

"I think Love does that...."

I paused.... amused.

Yeah.... it does. 

Love does do that.

Thank You for reminding me!

Balance

"Courageous" and "Brave"

Priorities and Change

"Fears vs. Dreams"

Endurance and Perseverance

Quotes on Facebook and verses from my bible

Conversations with strangers and prayers with friends

Questions from others and questions from within.

All coming at me.  All at the same time.  All from different sources. All tying together.

I wish I had been writing them down.  With dates and times and sources.

'Cause it's funny when this begins to happen.....  I notice a few things that tie together, and a few other things, that - at the time - seem to go together in a separate and different way.  And then another piece will surface and tie the two seemingly unrelated parts into one in a seamless joining.

And what I want to do is sit....and be still....and observe - and be somewhat amused by it all.  Take time to receive each piece. Breathe it in. Examine it. Incorporate it.  Feel it. Live it.

But there is life in this world that needs addressing as well.  Kids to raise, a house to clean, a pile of laundry and a job or two...

I know the two are not mutually exclusive - and in the balance there is time to do both.... wisely balance the Martha and the Mary.  The urgent and the important.

But in this moment, that often seems elusive.

I pray that it will come.  That I will be shown the steps and the path.

I pray for wisdom and guidance.

I pray for the piece that will bring these two together.

I feel like it is coming...

I pray for balance.

Sufficient Grace

So, as it usually goes, it's been a long and winding path, with bits and pieces collected along the way, that somehow become a whole, complete thought.... and a lesson for me.

It began mid-February.  I had noticed a tattoo in a picture (it's an occupational hazard after so many years working in trauma!) - it seemed to say "... the greatest of these is love", which - "coincidentally" - had most recently been a status of mine on Facebook.  It turns out my hunch was correct, it was indeed 1 Corinthians 13:13.  I thought at the time "Literally, writing love on his arm" - a reference in my mind to the non-profit movement I'd heard about a few years ago, "To Write Love on Her Arms".

Today, I checked out their website.  One of the links I found was promoting a new initiative coming soon, Fears vs. Dreams, which asks two very interesting questions:  "What is your biggest fear?" and "What is your greatest dream?"  I was surprised (and actually appalled) that I couldn't immediately answer either one.

As it often happens, the car is the place where He sits quietly with me and teaches.  I sat in silence and began my drive home.

My greatest fear.... hmmmmm.... (Do I actually have to *speak* it?)

I thought for a while, with different potential answers coming to mind.... "no, not that..."  But, I began to notice the pattern that was emerging, and the theme:  Being "enough"....which, of course, for those of you who know me, means so much more than simply "enough"...

 I shook my head silently.... "well, if that's all it is...."  Really?  My greatest fear is not being  "enough"? 

Problem solved. (Seriously!)

I will NEVER be "enough".

Never.

Not this side of Heaven.

And if that's all it is, there's no longer a need to fear it - I already know it. 


If only it were that easy.


But..., what I also know is that He is.

He is the "enough" that I want to be.



I think of all the ways I have tried to be "enough".... and all the ways I've tried to deal with the fact that I am not.

As I continue on, I "hear" Him say "My grace is sufficient for you....."

The tears spill from my eyes, as I think to myself, "Hold me, Jesus..."

And then a grin starts to form, as the rest of the verse comes to mind....


"...for [Your] power is made perfect in [my] weakness".





2 Corinthians 12:9 ESV


But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.

Stifling Joy

(Finally, FINALLY!  an opportunity to sit and write! YES!)

So many blog stories are collecting in my head, and funny, it's THIS one that demands to be written.  It is the newest, the scene witnessed only hours ago...



It's a work day, and I am in the cafeteria, standing in line, waiting to order some breakfast.  I notice a toddler and her big brother - himself probably five - walking hand in hand.  My Mom-radar goes off, and I watch to be sure they are walking with a purpose TOWARD an adult they know and not searching for one.

Then I see her (phew), not far off, and I hear her ask the oldest, "Did you take her?"  He nods.  Then to the younger, she asks "Did you tee-tee?"  I can barely hold back my grin and I look away as the young girl nods.  Her mother nods too.

And then I hear it.

"Yaaaaaaaay!"

It's not the mother - it's the girl.  I look back.  She is smiling from ear to ear and clapping her hands.  Joy.

I smile and wonder....   It's not that I want applause, or exuberant joy every time I use the bathroom, BUT...

I think about the process.  At first it's amazing and wonderful, and we celebrate.  And then, it becomes common place - OR we are taught that it is no longer a reason to celebrate.  Either way, we begin to take it for granted - or worse yet, stifle the Joy.

I watch the children at church, running, dancing and spinning, laughing - and I wonder when and why, as we become "grown-up"s, we lose that.  It becomes, somehow, "not appropriate".

But you know none of it is a guarantee. This day, this breath, or the next.  None of it.  I wonder how many things I have come to take for granted....

And I wonder, too... if I have been taught to be disconnected from Joy - or at least reign it in... if I can learn to see it again, and express it fully.

To dance in the rain and spin in the falling snow and run with the sun on my face and the wind in my hair. To experience Joy in it's fullest.

Of late, some of my favorite moments have been sitting next to my boy-child, and letting him "swype-text" on my phone.  He wiggles his finger around on the screen, across the letter pad, and waits, expectedly, to see what word the dictionary chooses to display.  And then, it begins.  The giggling.

Uncontrollable giggling - contagious to the point of tears.  We laugh as the tears stream down our faces.  And, once able to breathe fully, he points his finger out again...

Joy...

Glory to God in the Highest!

The song I have been listening to most recently - again and again - as I drive, and the chorus and melody that fill my head at other times, has been one that I discovered recently "by accident".  It is Glory to God in the Highest, by Downhere.  (Take a minute to listen, if you haven't heard it... it's OK, I'll wait... )

As is typical of a New Favorite Song, as it sinks deeper and deeper into my being, not only do I begin to feel it, but I begin to imagine myself within it.  I also start "seeing" it - in concept form - as the signs come forth, as if I were interpreting it in American Sign Language.

Now, I am sure it is helpful that most of my driving recently has been through the countryside of rural middle Tennessee.  I drive along and see the hillsides.  I see the livestock grazing.  I know the depth of the darkness that occurs there at night with only the moon and the stars as a source of light.

So, when I hear the guys of Downhere singing of "hillsides of moonlight and shooting stars", I see that.  I know that.  I remember spending a night on a hillside in Colorado years ago.  Nothing but "moonlight and [shooting] stars".  Quiet. Peaceful.

And I can imagine the shepherds, sitting there or standing there.... having a regular night at work.  What I can't imagine - and honestly get choked up and "chill bumps" every time I think of it - is sitting there, having a regular night at work, and having that darkness of "a crisp blue night" suddenly break "with full day light".  No WONDER the angels first words were "Fear not".  "Afraid" would not even begin to describe what I imagine I would have felt...

Seriously, "hosts of heaven's angels filling the sky".... I see that as I sign it.  It's amazing.  Indescribably incredible.  Words do not do it justice.  There are *not* words - only that deep stillness within. Wow.

So as I drive along, belting out the chorus, "Glory to God in the highest...", I am so grateful.  For His birth.... and His death, and His resurrection.  For the fact that, for me, Christmas is more than a tree and presents, and time with family.  Those are great, don't get me wrong.  They are just nothing compared to what else we have been given.  "The greatest [gift] of Light"



Luke 2:8-20 ESV
8 And in the same region there were shepherds out in the field, keeping watch over their flock by night. 9 And an angel of the Lord appeared to them, and the glory of the Lord shone around them, and they were filled with great fear. 10 And the angel said to them, “Fear not, for behold, I bring you good news of great joy that will be for all the people. 11 For unto you is born this day in the city of David a Savior, who is Christ the Lord. 12 And this will be a sign for you: you will find a baby wrapped in swaddling cloths and lying in a manger.” 13 And suddenly there was with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host praising God and saying,



14 “Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace among those with whom he is pleased!”
15 When the angels went away from them into heaven, the shepherds said to one another, “Let us go over to Bethlehem and see this thing that has happened, which the Lord has made known to us.” 16 And they went with haste and found Mary and Joseph, and the baby lying in a manger. 17 And when they saw it, they made known the saying that had been told them concerning this child. 18 And all who heard it wondered at what the shepherds told them. 19 But Mary treasured up all these things, pondering them in her heart. 20 And the shepherds returned, glorifying and praising God for all they had heard and seen, as it had been told them.




Glory to God in the Highest ~ Downhere

On hillsides of moonlight and shooting stars,

Shepherds keep the late watch on a crisp blue night,
Suddenly the darkness, breaks with full day light,
With hosts of heavens angels filling the sky.


"Glory to God, in the highest! now here in Bethlehem,
Glory to God in the highest! the Child who will save all men!"


Rushing to the city, sandal slipping cobblestone,
Find they in the great story, for centuries we've now known,
Pouring out with wonder, the shepherds step outside,
and lift worn hands to heaven singing aloud...
"Glory to God, in the highest! now here in Bethlehem,
Glory to God in the highest! the Child who will save all men"
Now until He returns, remember this time;
When least of men where given the greatest of light,
That God chose not to glory in wealth, power, fame..
but with the simple and the small he came.

"Glory to God, in the highest! now here in Bethlehem,
Glory to God in the highest! the Child who will save all men!"

Become a Human (dot org)

Driving to work today, listening to my new favorite song, I knew today would be the day I would return to the blog, and I knew exactly what I would write.

UNTIL...

... I took a moment to check out my friend's new website.

I had been hearing about the idea and love the concept, and I had noticed the way God has (from my perspective) not only laid this on his heart, but woven it into his entire being. In our discussions about it, one question had piqued my curiousity... and I began some thoughful, introspective reflection.


"What does it mean to "be human" ?"


As I composed my response, I noted that several answers came from certain (especially trying) "seasons" in my life. Those growth valleys where God and I walked, together - me broken enough to let go of my pride and my desire to control the situation, and fully listen.

The question that followed reminded me that mere knowledge was not enough. I need to put hands and feet to my humanity. You see, he had also asked:


"What are our responsibilities to Humanity?"


Again, I made a list to summarize my thoughts. And then I sat back and really LOOKED at the list...and wondered, "how many of these am I really doing?"

So today, when I pulled up the site (which, by the way, won't officially launch until after Christmas, but I encourage you to see it now!), I sat back and all I could say was "WOW!" It's awesome! The mission, the purpose, the Become a Human Project itself. It is so encouraging!

I do have passions and gifts... and I do want to use them for good. I am inspired and I have pledged to do my part...

It is so awesome to see God at work!

Check it out: http://www.becomeahuman.org/

Eucharisteo: Our Tree

Eucharisteo - Thanksgiving

It is a great word:  Eucharisteo:  "To be grateful, feel thankful.  To give thanks".

It's perfect.  I love it.  I need it. To live it.  I need to LIVE it.

I have recently been introduced to the book, A Thousand Gifts: A dare to live fully right where you are.  One of my favorite quotes, thus far, is the reminder that "Thanksgiving always precedes the miracle".  Quite often, the "miracle" for me, is changing my perspective - turning my eyes from the mess of my life to the glory of Him who loves me through it.

It doesn't matter the situation - I am reminded that the appropriate response is thanksgiving.  Sure, it is easier when everything is going well - when I could effortlessly scream my thanks from the mountaintop. But it's in the midst of the struggle - the midst of REAL LIFE - that it has been most important for me to remember.

My friend, Karen, always reminded me, "there is a gift in the pain".... and she has been right.  I have never experienced a difficult or painful situation that didn't come with a gift hidden within it.  The challenge has been to search for it - and to trust that it is there.

One of the things I most appreciate about this book:  It is challenging me to remember (and frequently search for) the "Thousand Gifts" that surround me in in my everyday life.  The little things - perhaps more so than the great, obvious gifts.  The things I tend to overlook. The gifts from God that I walk right past because I am too busy or self-focused to realize are waiting right there for me.  Especially for me.

In searching for and seeking those things, those gifts, the miracle happens:  my perspective changes, my eyes are open, and I get to see Him at work, and experience His goodness.  Right here. Right now.  Right where I am... in the midst of my messy little world.  In literally thousands of ways!




Give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you
~ 1 Thessalonians  5:18

Getting Back to Gratitude...

The day had been a little difficult, so I did what I have been taught to do:  Be of service and get back to gratitude.

I have been reading a book called "A Thousand Gifts", which talks about gratitude being the one thing... the only thing... and the only appropriate response to the "thousand gifts" we have been given. But that book... I am just beginning.... and deserves a blog post of its own.

The quiet portion of the day, I spent in stillness and preparing for a service project I'm involved with over the next few days and months.

But, I struggled with the gratitude.  I could list a few things, yes, but *feel* it... not yet.

Early evening, I headed out to pick up my kids, listening to a song - aptly named, "The Gift". The rhythm of the music lulled my heart.... and began the unveiling of my Gratitude List.

• I am grateful for music that lulls my heart.

• I am grateful for lyrics that touch my soul.

• I am grateful for the people in my life who lead, guide and encourage me.

• I am grateful for the people who have removed the stones and helped to "un-build" the walls I have constructed.

• I am grateful for the places of healing and of growth.

• I am grateful for the places of beauty and majesty so grand that there is no denying Him.

• I am grateful for the places of rest and rejuvenation.

And...

•  I am grateful for the thorns that keep me depending on Him.

Community

I have been "convinced" that I need to actively pursue community in my day to day life.

Oh, I have people who know and love me, for sure.  And, I have people I could call in a pinch if I had a need, or needed help with my kids. 

But, what I need to develop is a community of people that know me and love me - AND know and love Jesus.  A group of people with whom I can be honest, and who will be honest with me.  A group who will challenge and encourage me to seek greater knowledge of and closeness to Christ, to be in the Word, and "sharpen" me with honesty, accountability and Truth.

Because, what I have realized - as we have been praying for community - is that if I am not involved in a community that is actively seeking Jesus, I will be actively involved in the community of the world. 

And I have been reminded, again and again, to be "in the world, but not of it".




Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect. 


~ Romans 12:2




My prayer is not that you take them out of the world but that you protect them from the evil one.  They are not of the world, even as I am not of it.  Sanctify them by the truth; your word is truth. As you sent me into the world, I have sent them into the world. For them I sanctify myself, that they too may be truly sanctified.  


~ John 17: 15-19

Morning, By Morning, New Mercies I See...

 

Lamentations 3:22-23

 ²² The steadfast love of the LORD never ceases; his mercies never come to an end;
 ²³they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.

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"Good Morning.... I Love You"

As we drive through the rain toward school, passing by a stand of trees that arch over the road, we are showered in yellow and orange leaves as they fall to the ground.  Many strike the windshield, while others dance around the minivan.

"They must not like you!" my daughter says from behind me.

"What do you mean?" I ask. 

"They are hitting you.  They only fall when you drive under and then hit your car."  She had apparently noticed the same pattern I had - the leaves only fell as we passed by.

"We must have different perspectives" I replied.

"What?"

"I see it differently.  I love it when that happens."

"You do?"

"Yes.  I love it when the leaves fall all around me.  So, when we drive under, and they fall all around us, to me, it's like God is saying "Good morning, Linda.  I love you".

"And that one that is stuck up there?"she asked as she pointed to the antenna, "That one is a reminder that is hanging around."

"Exactly!"

Speak to Me

I was having a morning where I was curiously aware of the conversations I was having with God. There was the structured prayer, and the more informal comments about the leaves on a particular tree being especially beautiful, or the quick request for Him to speak through me (or at least shut "me" up). And the quiet reflection on His presence in my life, with a request for Him to speak to me.

And then, there was the question. "When I ask Him to "speak to me", is that what I really mean?" (and I mean REALLY mean...) OR, am I asking Him to tell me something I'd like to hear"?

I wish I could tell you, my immediate response was to consider the question for myself. No, my first thought was whether it was better expressed as a Facebook status or on Twitter. I did neither, actually. I simply repeated the question to myself.... again and again and again.

Honestly, I think I bounce back and forth on the continuum. Sometimes, I really truly would like to hear what He has to speak TO ME, FOR ME...(and I hope that I would respond appropriately), but there are other times, I just want Him to tell me something that supports what I think should happen in a situation.

As my journey continues, I find I ask Him to speak to me, more and more.

May my heart be open to hear and quick to obey.

Your Light Will Shine When All Else Fades

I've had song stuck in my head for the past few days - and one line in particular that keeps repeating itself.... over and over and over:  "Everlasting, Your light will shine when all else fades..."  I have learned that He will speak to me - through the words of such a song - in a moment that I desperately need to hear Him.  (Apparently, that would be today!)

We were having a difficult morning. The day was really only 20 minutes old for my kids, and I was already frustrated with them. "Get up." "Get dressed." "Let's go!"  

As I continued in our morning routine, I noticed the lighting outside the window.  There had appeared a mystical orange and pink tinge that called to me.  I stepped outside onto the front walk, and simply stared at the sunrise that was beginning to break forth in the eastern sky.  "Everlasting, Your light will shine when all else fades...."   I inhaled deeply before I turned toward the house to return to the task of motivating two dawdling tweens.

As we drove to their school, I continued to watch the sky, and became keenly aware of the way the morning sun accentuated the bright orange, yellow and red leaves on the trees that lined the roads and fields.  Absolute beauty!

I continued on to visit my first patient.  The leaves and their bright colors called my attention, but still I critiqued our morning routine.  "How can I make our mornings less of a struggle?"  It's wearying day after day.....especially being the sole morning motivator.  I remembered some words recently spoken to me by a friend:  "He will not let you fall..."  Another deep breath.  Thank God for that.

I glanced up at the horizon.  Through the line of trees in their full autumn splendor, a ray of orange sunlight shone directly at me.... Right. In. My. Eyes.  "Everlasting, Your light will shine when all else fades...."  repeated itself in my head.

Instantly, I was reminded:  This too shall pass.  Sooner than I care to believe, I will no longer be required to be the sole morning motivator.  We'll move on to different issues.  BUT...

No matter what.  When this fades....and so does the next thing.... and the next.  His light will still be shining brightly.

Thank God for that too!

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There's No Place Like Home... There's No Place Like Home...

Let me preface this by saying that this post is a work in progress....I don't have a clear grasp of it except for an awareness of concepts, moments and experiences that feel linked together, somehow, without an obvious (to me) path or progression.  But, life is like that... and I muddle through and share when I feel led...

It started in church - sort of - as my pastor was talking about Jacob FINALLY getting to Bethel (Genesis 35).... or perhaps it started last night, as my daughter and I assembled her new bed.... or perhaps it was while I was "on retreat".... or headed that way...

Clearly, I don't have a definitive "starting point"... but it really doesn't matter.  It WOULD satisfy my logical, linear-thinking brain if we moved from point A to point B sequentially, and not follow the loopsy whimsical path that it seems we sometimes do.  But I know it will all "work together for good" one way or another.

So, there I stand - on the box - interpreting the sermon.  (Which means, I can relay to you the general concepts of the message and the long list of words for which I forgot the signs)  The concept that stuck with me was of these "Bethel experiences" the Jacob had experienced.  Those moments, when undeniably, God had been there with him.

We were asked to remember ours - and to consider those places where God is calling us to be. (and, surrender, obey and GO... without the delay modeled to us by Jacob)

All afternoon, as I shifted furniture around, washed clothes, and sorted through boxes of "stuff"my daughter had cleared out of her room, my mind shifted from my retreat to The Wizard of Oz.

I remember - VERY clearly - the evening God met me and called me to retreat with Him.... and yet, as I drove the miles into the woods, He reminded me that I didn't need to "go away" to do so.  I returned home with a new sense of purpose.... that quickly got lost in the shuffle of everyday life.

And, as I begin the six week stretch that is typically the busiest of the year for me, I had a moment to sit.  Quietly.  With Him and with my calendar, thinking...

"There's no place like home.  There's no place like home...."

The Power of the (Spoken) Truth

It has been a hard couple of days - returning from a fun, but whirlwind trip, visiting family, smack-dab into the middle of a busy week.  I'd actually planned a day for transition... but it wasn't much of a transition day, as there was much weighing me down.

I considered the choices of others - the same choices I had made when I was their age - and hoped that their outcomes would be better than mine had been.  I know (now) what the Word says... yet, we had all chosen against it... so while I hoped for the best, I wasn't very optimistic.

I considered my life and the choices I am making these days.  They are more in line with the teachings of the gospel, but undoubtedly, I fall short on a regular basis... I think about how hard it can be on any given day, with any given choice.... especially those that are counter-cultural.  And, I wonder - briefly - if it's worth the effort.  I know it is.... deep in my heart and soul, I know it is.  It is in those moments, I can almost feel Him holding me.... almost.

It's in the car, driving from patient to patient to patient, that these thoughts occupy my mind.... and I pray.  Back and forth - topic and person, concern and choice and situation - I consider, and I talk with God.

Periodically, there is a moment that deeply blesses me - the way the sun hits the newly-changing leaves, or the curmudgen old woman who smiles, whole-heartedly, and thanks me for visiting. 

Yet, there is the nagging doubt that I will choose wisely, make a difference, or get done what needs to get done.  There is concern for the state of the world - and my place in it.

As I drive, I think of a man I know, weighed down with similar concerns.  I am also reminded of a passage in Matthew 6: "...do not be anxious..."  When I finally get a (non-driving) moment, I send him a text to let him know he has come to my mind, with a verse, and share the scripture reference.  It's in the moments after hitting "send", that I say aloud - "Yeah, the devil is trying his best to get me, too...."

Suddenly, I can breathe more deeply.  A weight is lifted, and my perspective has shifted back into alignment.  Funny. (not).  The whole day - maybe two - as I struggled to be comfortable in my place in the world, was not a fight against flesh and blood. I simply needed to speak it.

Sitting here now, as I reflect, I am moved to tears of gratitude - for today, the thing I have wanted most in the whole wide (crazy) world, was to feel Him holding me.  (And I wasn't willing to settle for anything less.)

Perhaps I am learning.

Perhaps there is hope for me yet....

:)

Do Not Be Anxious

Matthew 6:25-34

25 “Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? 26 Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? 27 And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his ispan of life? 28 And why are you anxious about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin, 29 yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. 30 But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is alive and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? 31 Therefore do not be anxious, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ 32 For the Gentiles seek after all these things, and our heavenly Father knows that you need them all. 33 But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.

34 “Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.