Incessant Chattering

The past few mornings, my daughter has awakened in a talkative mood... to say the least. Me, I prefer to ease into the morning. So, these past few mornings have been a challenge for me as a Mom.

This morning, her focus was on painting her room - colors, shapes, patterns, she knew it all and wanted to tell me it all. Right. Then.

And she did.

In my mind, the chorus of Mosaic's song, "Teach us to love...." is playing, as well as the words "Let her talk...." I know that one day she may need to talk, and if I have routinely "Shhh" 'd her, she may not. (Oh, and I figured I'd let her creative dream unfold as well!)

Still, it was not an easy morning for me.... and probably only by the Grace of God, did I not raise my voice. Driving to school, while she is chattering on, I decide I really need to get to bed a bit earlier, so I can wake up a bit earlier, and HAVE my quiet time and be fully engaged and able to hear her. (Easier said than done)

I didn't think much more of it until I was heading to bed. I had nothing to blog, so I closed my laptop, and got down on my knees to pray.

Having just listened to a sermon discussing the need to "be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger" (James 1:19), I decided to take that approach. I simply knelt there. After a little while, I thought, "I got nothin'.... that I haven't already prayed for a million times...."

I paused, not breathing.

"Oh, God! Please tell me I haven't been incessantly chattering to You, too?"

Help me to listen. Help me to hear. Help me to follow.

Blessed...

I am feeling very, very blessed.

School has started, and we've adapted to the new routine - homework and all.

Life is still busy, juggling personal and professional commitments, and of course all the ins and outs of being "Mom". But, life is different recently. It feels more "open". There is much hope. And where hope exists, it seems anything is possible!

I wondered if it was simply the structured schedule, but I don't think so. I think it has to do more with the fact I have been immersing myself in the Word, lately - actually taking time to sit and "be" with God, rather than having the Book laying beside my pillow, and waving to Him as I ran past.

It has been sweet, sweet time. It hasn't always been easy, or comfortable, but it has been consistent! (and encouraging!)

I am grateful to those who continually point me to Him, and the Bible. It has been fascinating to witness conversations, emails, texts, blogs, from different sources, supporting and confirming the others. It is mind-boggling if I try to think of it, really. I can't even imagine...

So, I just delight in it and laugh when it occurs.... over and over again.

I pray that I continue to make time focused on delving into the depths of the Bible, and sitting quietly with Him a priority! It must be.... may I remember!

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A Sweet Summarization

I hesitate to write this, on one hand, because I know that mere words will not be able to capture the depth of emotion that accompanied this morning's worship with my friends of Mosaic.

I must admit, it started long before I arrived at church. Before dawn, a storm moved through, waking me with it's intensity. Awakened, I checked my "daily verse" app on my phone:

"Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light to my path" ~Psalm 119:105

I thought of how true that had been for me - ESPECIALLY this past week. The scripture that had been sent to me - in texts, in emails, and on my daily verse app - and those that I had dug for myself, had truly lit my path this week.

I rolled over until my alarm started sounding to a local christian music station. Occasionally, I'd listen a little before I hit the "snooze". One moment I remembered - "... the Sunday praise word for today is "hope" ." I laughed. Of course it is!

I headed to church, and as Mosaic set up and sound-checked, I flipped through my bible, recalling the adventures we'd been on together this week: Struggles and thoughts on surrender, and moments sitting on a footbridge, resetting my internal compass. Daring to dream of opportunities to sit at His feet and take it all in - and experiencing a few moments that felt as I imagine it would to truly live a John 12:3 moment as Mary did with Jesus, himself.

It was in that frame of mind that we started the service. As they sang, and spoke, and told stories of the verses of scripture that inspired their music, I was amazed. In my bible, I flipped from verse to verse, aware of the parallels between what I had been shown throughout the week, to what I was hearing now. Some were identical, some were expository.

Most of the service, I felt as if He and I were sitting side by side, recapping our most recent journey - laughing together and crying together. There were moments of conviction, but mostly sweet, sweet peace.

"Return to Me..." He spoke - and they sang. For "my people are bent on turning away from me"... "Return o faithless children....." I will contend until you are free...

~~~~~~~~~
My people are bent on turning away from me ~ Hosea 11:7

Jeremiah 3:12-14; 22

“‘Return, faithless Israel,
declares the Lord.
I will not look on you in anger,
for I am merciful,
declares the Lord;
I will not be angry forever.
13 Only acknowledge your guilt,
that you rebelled against the Lord your God
and scattered your favors among foreigners under every green tree,
and that you have not obeyed my voice,
declares the Lord.
14 Return, O faithless children,
declares the Lord;
for I am your master;
I will take you, one from a city and two from a family,
and I will bring you to Zion.

22 “Return, O faithless sons;
I will heal your faithlessness.”

A Shift in the Point of Reference

I sat talking with a friend this evening. It has been a while since we have been able to sit together, share a meal, and our thoughts. We were introduced many years ago. We have laughed together, and cried together, and have walked together through each of our divorces.

Tonight, we took some time to catch up on the goings on since our last gathering. I shared with her some of the goings on in my life - and she shared some adventures in hers. And as we were talking, a sentence came out of my mouth that I have struggled to articulate for a while.

"I don't want my divorce to be the point of reference for my life."

I had become aware, again in the past few months, that it seemed to be where my story always started...

And, while it is true that God showed up mightily in my life at that moment of my need, it's not where it began. Nor is it where God and I began.

My adventures on the bridge yesterday had reminded me of that. Long before that moment, God had been with me, inviting me and calling me into relationship with Him. He had surrounded me with His people and with Truth.

I tried to think back as far as I could remember him "stalking" me. I remember the longing and the crying out of my heart on my rock at camp as a young adult. And clearly, a song had stuck from my childhood. But I couldn't really tell you when our relationship began.

So, I asked aloud, on my drive home.... "How long has it been?"

"Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, and before you were born I consecrated you..." (Jeremiah 1:5)

I smiled and nodded.

Perhaps, I need to shift the point of reference for my life.

My relationship with God didn't begin with the end of my marriage, it began long before I even existed in this world. It began when He first knew me and set me apart for a purpose here on this earth.

And that little shift of perspective....

kinda changes everything.

All the Pieces of My Heart...

I rolled out of bed, wiped the tears of hope from my eyes, and started my morning. Dropping my kids at school, I headed to my Moms in Touch group. We prayed for our children, teachers, students, administrators and county politics. We raised our requests - those known and those unknown - to God for His consideration. My unspoken request, I raised as well - that He would meet me there.

A few hours of seeing patients, and then I was off. Back to the place where He had so faithfully met me in years past. To the trestle bridge over the water, near the house where I used to live.

I hummed a tune that was stuck in my head. An old hymn from my childhood. I couldn't remember the words, just the melody. My car parked across the street, I walked the trail that I knew so well.

Day after day, I'd walk... in the days when my land neighbored the path. Day after day, He'd meet me there, wiping the hair out of my face as I stepped onto the wooden footbridge that lay over the old railroad trestle.

I had a praying spot. So I went there, took of my shoes and sat down.

Quietly, I sat, the breeze on my face, taking in the sights and the sounds. A ripple of a fish under the surface of the water, the zip of a hummingbird flying by. I'd seen a deer drinking from a pool in the woods on my way, and I stared, now, out at the heron on the far shore.

I thanked Him for coming, and sat quietly for a long, long time.

Finally, I spoke.

Aloud.

"So.... You want my heart.... all of it.... You know it's been pretty trampled, right? And, cast aside..."

I thought again of the Apostle Paul, "Chief of all sinners", and how his life had changed... dramatically.

I wondered how my heart could be useful to Him... well, parts of it, sure... but ALL of it?

I sat there some more with the wind blowing my now tear-stained cheeks. I closed my eyes, and let my thoughts wander...

I envisioned Him taking the pieces of my heart, and knowing each one, gently making it new. I knew it wasn't beyond Him - and that He could simply take it, fix it if He wanted. But my offering it up - every single piece - is what He really wanted.

I realized that without "every single piece", it would never be "whole". Perhaps, better stated, without "every single piece" IN HIS HANDS... (and, thus, out of MINE...)

"You really, really want it, huh?"

The wind picked up.

"I don't know how to do that..... I need you to show me how to do that.... please."

I sat until the tears had stopped and the sun was warm on my back. I placed the ear buds in my ears and set the iPod to play. I let the music speak to me.... first about healing hearts (no joke), and then "The Stand".

As it played, I walked - and signed the words as they played...

First He created... and then He saved.

"so, what could I say? What could I do? But offer this heart, oh God, completely to You...."

I have no illusions that it will be "that easy". I expect that it will be a daily surrender - to say "... I'll stand - with arms high and heart abandoned...."

and then... to DO it.

My prayer tonight is that this day stays etched in my mind - and on my heart - for a long, long, LONG time....

Surrender...and hope.

I tried to start this post on surrender last night, but it just wouldn't come to me. I was struggling with the concept. Struggling with the fact that, as I have been re-reading some of my blog posts through recent years, it keeps coming up. "I need to surrender." , "I need to fully trust.", "I need to let go." Yet, still I struggle.

I'd read some on it, and asked for others' thoughts on it - and on WHY it is so difficult. Cognitively, I can list out all the reasons why I should, and why it's really the only "appropriate" response - knowing what I know and believing what I believe about God truly being who He says he is, and knowing and believing what He has done throughout history, on the cross, and in my life, personally.

Looking back a little farther than the past few years, I can see the changes that He has made in my life. Nothing short of miraculous, some of them. And yet, I struggle...

I awakened to find an emailed response to my question. The sun wasn't quite up, and it was still and quiet, so after I read it, I lay quiet and still. I was aware of a song gently playing in the back of my mind, and closed my eyes to be with it... and with Him. I kept coming back to something I'd read - at least twice in the past 24 hours.... about Paul. My friend had referenced scripture, and my thoughts kept returning there.

Opening my eyes, I reached for my bible and opened to Romans 7:15, and started reading... and re-reading. Clear through to the end of the next chapter. Paul had started talking about not understanding why he was doing the things he did not want to do, and could not do the things he wanted to do.

As I am reading, I am amazed at the words, phrases and concepts that are there on the page. So many tie in with much of what I have been hearing, reading, praying and studying over the past few weeks. I find myself nodding, smiling and wiping tears. Especially once I hit the end of chapter 8.

"For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers. Nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation will be able to separate us from the love of God in Jesus Christ, our Lord"

Now, if I'm not mistaken, much of that list is similar to the verse in Ephesians talking about spiritual warfare.

and THAT...! That gives me hope.

Preparing to Retreat

I know that it is still six weeks away, but it was over six weeks ago that I was so powerfully convicted of the need to retreat with Him. There I lay, sobbing in my bed, after a brief conversation with near-stranger.

"Forgive me..." I said.

"Come spend some time with me..." He said.

I nodded and opened the calendar app on my phone. I picked a weekend and wrote it in. The next week was spent finding a location. From there it has been waiting, wondering and a bit of instruction from time to time. "Don't forget to bring....", "Be sure to...."

I recall some of the powerful experiences I have had previously, when He called me to retreat with Him. Each time, He has met me, and prepared me, and "grown" me. Healing. Freedom. Clarity.

I wonder, sometimes, as I think of this weekend we have planned, what He will focus on. I think of what He has been teaching me and showing me lately, and I am a little afraid, honestly... But, I remember where we have been together, He and I, so I shift my focus from the agenda to the preparations.

"I will bring....". "I will be sure to..."

And then I pray: Prepare my heart. Meet me there. Help me be open and yielding to Your vision and Your plan.

A Little Caution About "That Place...."

Please know that I write this very tongue-in-cheek, but seriously.... wow.

I need to remember to be cautious when going to "that place beyond the noise...". I also need to remember that when I do so at night - and end my day with a quiet, reflective prayer that pretty much says, "God.... whatever you need to do... You've got my heart, it's Yours..." - I may not sleep as well as I may have hoped.

I may just find that He speaks to me in my dreams - which wakes me up.

I may just find that I continue to long for the song to play again and again as I drive between visiting patients.

I may ALSO find that when I get back in my car, and press "play" on my iPod, that the song may start in such a place and He may say, "See THIS verse? THIS is the line I really want you to hear..." He may also remind me that there is still a "point of [my] breaking" that has yet to occur. And in the darkness that remains behind that wall of my heart, He can still see.

He is still shining the light to help me find all the dreams I left behind. And while that sounds exciting on one hand - on the other, I'm pretty comfortable in the "darkness" that is my own stubborn self-sufficiency.

I may then find myself in search of a tissue to wipe my eyes so I can see the road clearly, and make it appear to the next patient that I haven't been touched by a song to the point of tears.

I know it is all good - He has shown me a couple of those dreams I left behind. Just, getting there.... it's going to be a process that will require trust, faith and action.

"Lead on, Lord," I say, as I press "play" again.... perhaps He will let me hear, see and feel some more.

The Place Behind the Noise

It has been a delightful day. The music at church was some of my favorite, and I very much felt His presence as lyrics came off my hands. During rehearsal, He showed me a deeper meaning in one of the phrases that I had previously struggled with, which made it so much clearer in my mind and in my heart.

Sermons, daily devotions, and text messages all connected, leaving my heart feeling very "held". It's a sweet feeling when He holds my heart, and there aren't words to adequately describe it.

My response is to become very still. To take some time to wrap in a blanket and sit on the couch, and just "be". It's the same feeling that causes me to sit beneath trees, and sing beside rapidly flowing waterways. It's the feeling that encourages me to retreat with Him.

Still there were things to do - laundry and general tidying. So I'd do some and sit some more. I put on some music, and found a song that captured the mood. And though I don't feel like my world is "dark" right now, nor do I feel like I'm at "the point of [my] breaking", I do feel like I am finding the place "behind all the noise"....

It's a sweet place. And since it is a cool evening - with a gentle breeze -I plan to wrap up in a blanket, sit on my deck and let Him hold my heart some more... The crickets, frogs - and maybe even the Newsboys - will continue to sing gently over me.

~~~~~
I'll Be ~ The Newsboys

chorus:

You will find me. I'm at the point of your breaking, behind all the noise.
When your world is darkest, I can still see.
'cause when there's nothing left, I'll be.....

God's Gifts, Wrapped in People

It was a sweet reminder for me as I drove up the country highway: "God"s gifts come wrapped in people". Immediately, faces came to mind, and I retraced their footprints on my heart.

I have been given some wonderful gifts in the men and women who have crossed my path.

And then I paused for a moment. I realized there was more to this than I had initially appreciated.

I had been thinking only of the people I had grown to love. I had totally forgotten the OTHER gifts, wrapped in the OTHER people.

I had forgotten of the impatient woman pacing in the grocery line, or the man speeding past me on the highway. Then, there was the woman so stuck in "victim" that it made my skin crawl.

These other people are also gifts - they show me who I am, who I have been, and who I could be again, if I forget who I am in Him.

Oh, and that woman in "victim" turned out to be the greatest gift - it was such an honor to witness her growth firsthand... and she challenged me to step out of "victim" as well....

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This is The Lord's Doing....

This Is the Lord's Doing (Psalm 118) by Mosaic Worship

I grabbed my iPod Shuffle and clipped it onto my belt loop as I headed out to mow the grass. One of the thing I love about using my shuffle is that I have it filled with worship music, that I allow to play randomly. Sometimes I find that I listen to song after song, and sometimes, one will stick and I will play it over and over and let it speak to me.

Today, it was the latter. The first song to play was This is The Lord's Doing by my friends of Mosaic. Over and over it spoke to me "This is the Lord's doing, it is marvelous in our eyes. ...Let us rejoice and be glad in it...."

I began to think of all of the "Lord's doings" in my life. He has introduced me to people who have stood beside me, walked with me and challenged me in my thinking and in my growth. He has awakened me in the night to pray or call me forth. The yard and house that sits on it was His doing as well. I smiled as I remembered that story, and the many others that demonstrate His active presence in my life.

I don't always understand what He is doing - and almost never in "real time". Retrospectively, He often shows me the anxiety, pain and concern I could have avoided if I had simply trusted and walked along in His plan for me.

There are sometimes when I am very clear that something is "the Lord's doing" and opt to "rejoice and be glad in it" (and pray hard that I don't stumble along too badly, or stray too far off course)- even when I have no idea where He is leading. Or, perhaps, better and more honestly stated, I don't have His moment by moment itinerary laid out before me. I may have a sense of the general direction we're headed, but I tend to be very "detail oriented" (read: controlling and (ouch) untrusting) by nature. I want to KNOW... Is it safe? Will I get hurt? What are my other options...?

That is where faith comes in. And where I realize it is a choice. "Let us rejoice and be glad in it". I decide to. I choose to. I will.

This IS the Lord's doing. I WILL rejoice and be glad in it!

Where ever He takes this.

Thank you, Mosaic, for this wonderful reminder!

Psalm 118: 23-24
23This is the Lord's doing; it is marvelous in our eyes.
24 This is the day that the Lord has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it.

Gratitude and Remembrance

I have a friend who used to call me her "Gratitude Girl". Apparently, that was the lesson I was teaching her at the time.

It was a lesson that was taught to me by someone I am - no surprise - very grateful to have known!

She crossed my path quite unexpectedly. Or perhaps, I crossed hers. It WAS her listserv I joined....

We had quite a few adventures into my hurts and grievances, and slowly, but surely, she helped my perspective shift. It wasn't always easy.

At first, she had to ask me, "What are you grateful for today?" To which, I'd reply, "Not a thing." "Find five..."

Since I wanted what she had (peace, joy, hope, love) and was willing to go to any lengths to get it, I would find five....somehow. (Sometimes it was a stretch i.e. "#5 - I am grateful this is the last thing I have to write.")

When that became easier, she'd say, "Find ten". I'd roll my eyes, and start writing. Soon, I found myself writing the list before I sent her my email of complaints, because I knew that was what she was going to tell me to d0. Ultimately, I had book I would write them in, every night. My Gratitude Journal: "Ten things I am grateful for today."

And then, I started to notice it spontaneously. Gratitude. Here and There. Suddenly appearing in my life, without me having to search for it. I even found it in the difficult things - for I learned that there were always gifts in the pain. She promised me there would be. And she was right. There always have been - perhaps not immediately, but they do arrive...eventually.

Next week would be her 68th birthday. I sometimes forget that it's been so long since we've shared an email - just over eight years. I miss that. There have been so many things through the years - and now even! - that I would love to be able to run past her for a reality check. She just had a way with speaking truth into the midst of the chaos of my mind.

You are dearly missed, Karen, but I am ever grateful for the impact you have made on my heart, my perspective, and on my life. I am trusting you are right again - there will be a gift in this pain as well.

Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you. ~ 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

Comparing Economies...

I received some disappointing news on my way out the door to meet some work colleagues. I was grateful to have the drive to gain some perspective .... and pray. My experience, thus far, has been that God is forever faithful and I do trust that He will continue to be.... even in this.

As I was driving, He was reminding me of the different economies at play, and questioning exactly where my feet were standing. Was I grounded in the world's economy, where "stuff" is valued (lots and lots of "stuff"), or was I planted in His economy, which values relationship, service and love?

It took the entire ride to sort it through. I remembered back to when my children were born - before they were, actually, if we're being completely honest! I knew without a doubt that my purpose here on earth is to be their mother - first and foremost. That hasn't changed. I had simply forgotten to look through His eyes at the situation.

Does it make a difference? Through His eyes, no it doesn't.

"Don't Run Away" ... or The Puzzle That is My Life

I was enjoying being back in my MMA class this morning, when I began to notice the lyrics of a new song playing behind our kicks and punches. I wasn't able to get much of a handle on the exact words, or the artist, but it called to me, so I listened more attentively.

"Don't run away..." again and again and again. "Don't run away...." (OK, God, I got that. "Don't run away...") And still it continued, "Don't run away..."

Hmmm....

How perfectly it ties in with the other things I have been hearing (again and again) lately (and again today!)

"Stand"

"...and having done all, to stand firm..."

Sometimes, it feels like I'm trying to put together the jigsaw puzzle that is my life, and God keeps giving me this piece and this piece and this piece. Often, He seems to give me pieces that are themed together - blue sky pieces, or cloud pieces, or landscape pieces. Perhaps, He has already given me the edge pieces, and thus established the boundaries within which we will work.

I know the "Thou shalt not"s, and many of the promises that He has spoken for my life. But, the details that fall between the edges are still unclear to me.

I'm not saying that is a bad thing - it's not. I rather enjoy not knowing *exactly* where we are headed and the "picture" that we are creating. I will admit, though, there are times that I would like to know how many thousands of pieces this puzzle contains.

But, I digress... and I wonder. This theme of "Standing" and not running away... It makes me wonder if I AM currently "running away" or am I "standing". I wonder it's a call to my back, or if it's a sort of preparation: "Stand right there, and don't run away when I show you this....."

I suppose time will tell.

And, maybe, I'll be fortunate to hear that song again...

In the Midst of His Presence..

As I lay here in the loft of the little cabin, listening to the rain, I can't help but think of the God-things that have been happening lately.

I think mostly it is the sweet feeling of His presence that has surrounded me recently. He's in teaching mode again, and I feel it deep in my core. I see the choreography happening around me. I don't understand it, but I am aware that it's there...

There have been changes I have noticed over the years that, gratefully, I cannot deny. I remember the challenges and walls then, and I see where we are today, and I am humbled.

I have been reading about "seeking" the Lord and of "standing". I have been reading and listening about worship. I have had scripture and prayers arrive to me that are so timely, and so tied in to the rest of the goings-on that I can only smile and rejoice in knowing that He is here with us. Teaching us. Changing us. Encouraging us as we encourage one another.

I love the awareness of being in the midst of His presence. I love it when I can feel it. I love it when I know He is teaching me and preparing me. And, even though this feeling often brings a challenge, or a change, today, I welcome it.

In this moment, I can relate to king David as he spoke: "Cast me not away from Your presence, and take not Your Holy Spirit from me" ~Ps 51:11

Take what You want from me, change what You need within me, but do not cast me away from Your presence....

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I had the opportunity to spend some time at the ocean today. The Atlantic. So did about a gajillion other people.

It was a beautiful New England day. The breeze was brisk, and the sun was warm, but not oppressive. Perfect beach weather.

Now, there are things I like about the ocean - it's vastness, for one, and I do really like body surfing - but I'm not really a beach kind of girl. I can't sit out day after day, but an afternoon with my family was fabulous!

We rode the waves for a bit, and the cousins took turns burying each other in the sand. I caught up with my siblings, sharing the events and happenings of the past year.

We talked and laughed as the tide ebbed and flowed. Wave after crested wave. Rhythmic. Peaceful.

Now, I like to walk quiet beaches, and sit and ponder for a while. It is a quick reminder to me of how much bigger God is than I tend to conceptualize him. I mean, this ocean was HUGE (and powerful!) - and I only saw a small portion of one ocean. It is so much bigger than me. He is so much bigger than it!

Thank You, God for the peaceful lull of the ocean, and the opportunity to gather with my family.

You Make Me New....

Today was the day that my church baptizes in the creek down the road from the church building. In the days leading up to it, I recalled my experience standing there before the congregation publicly declaring my decision. More importantly, I remembered that decision.

I consider the places He and I have been since then. Walking together, sitting quietly. Laughing. Crying. Sometimes, He'd lead with me following with my heels dug in. Patiently, He'd wait til I remembered that He has only my best interests at heart and run to catch up. Sometimes, He'd find me laying there, feeling so broken, that He would come back, scoop me up and carry me for a while.

I think of the song "Beautiful Things". It begins with words that make me cry, but by the bridge, I have restored hope that He truly is "making me new". I remember the first day I heard the song. I was at church, and behind those lyrics, this picture of me, under water except for my hand...

The Journey continues, I know. With fresh enthusiasm, it seems lately... for both of us. And then we hit a little bump in the road, and I'm back at the beginning of the song: "All this pain. I wonder if I'll ever find my way. I wonder if my life could really change at all...." But I sit for a while, and remember the gifts and healing that comes along with the bump, and soon enough, the words "You make me new, You are making me new" are back to playing in my head.

Awakening...

I had dinner with a long-time friend last night. It's been a while since we've sat face to face, and much has happened in both of our lives.

During our conversation, we did some catching up and some reminiscing. I recalled that when I met her, her now 15 year old was 15 months old. She retold some of the stories of our early interactions and conversations. I sat and listened, knowing what she was saying was true, but also knowing how time had changed things.

I have grown, matured, let go of some old things, and accepted some new. God has worked miracles in healing old hurts and bringing forth bits of me that had been hidden away: creative processes, hopes, dreams, adventures. He has grown in me and I in Him. An "awakening", she called it.

Now, again, I find myself drawn to my camera, to my journal, and other creative endeavors. I hear Him beckon "draw near", and find myself in song, in silence and in the Word.

He is at work again, calling forth hopes, dreams and adventures...

The Journey continues...

Amen!

More on Hope...

I have been thinking some more about hope - and noticing the way my life has changed in the past month or so.

It was about then that God whispered hope into my being through a conversation with a friend. I don't even remember what was said exactly - perhaps it was HOW it was said, I don't know. I just know that I left feeling hopeful. Not hopeful about any specific thing, but a general peace and excitement that occurs when hope is flourishing.

I wonder about - and then examine - the day to day goings on. Have they really changed? No. I don't think so. Has ANYTHING really changed. Well, certainly my perspective has, and the off shoot of that is incredible.

I have made plans, and dared to dream a little. I feel empowered to make a few changes, that previously didn't seem possible (though I know they are).

So, I thank You, God, for hope... and for speaking it to me.

Blessed Am I

I had one of those moments of realization today - of how truly blessed I am. Really.

There are lots of things that make me feel blessed, but today, it was my job. "The one where I go visit people in their homes," for those of you scratching your heads wondering "which job?"

I had a long list of people to see today, and a lot of driving to do, through very rural parts of the county. And it was such a gift. Knowing that the reception to my favorite radio station is bad for most of the area I would be traveling, I grabbed my iPod Shuffle - and the external speaker - on my way out the door.

I pushed play, and spent the time driving between homes listening to - and singing along with - some of my favorite worship music. There were times that I cried out praises to God and sometimes where God spoke to me through the lyrics. There were other times that he spoke to me through the people I visited....but that's another story.

Quite often, on these trips, I will pray - and today was no exception. I pray for people I've visited, people I am going to visit, family, friends - old and new. I pray that God will speak to me - and through me - throughout the day.

And the whole while, I am surrounded by the beauty of the earth. Fields and forests, streams, rivers, rolling hills. What more could a girl want?

Oh - and just sayin' - I don't know what it is, but this year, I am FASCINATED by corn fields. The way the lines seem to zip through them as I pass, and the yellow tassels that blow in the breeze. It's weird, I know, but I'm loving it.

Thank You, God for a day of realizing how greatly blessed am I. Once again, You remind me that I truly *am* blessed beyond my wildest imaginings!

I Will Hope in Him...

It's been an unusual day. It started out as it normally does: My alarm rang. I hit the snooze. (multiple times). When I could put off actually waking up no longer, I reached for my phone. I pressed the "Daily Bible" icon to read the scripture designated for today.

I smiled. It was familiar:

The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases;
His mercies never come to an end;
They are new every morning;
Great is Your faithfulness
~ Lamentations 3:22-23 (ESV)

From there it went a little bit differently. The painters were back to finish their work. My house still looked like a cross between Narnia and Wonderland with the protective plastic running floor to ceiling in the great room and kitchen. They had removed the draping from the hallway and my son's room, but it now it hung in my bathroom. SO, while I was AT home, and there was plenty to do AT home, there wasn't really much I COULD do. I was essentially confined to my bedroom.

I plugged the ear bud of my iPod Shuffle into my left ear, pressed play and began to sort through some papers on my desk. I had already been internally paused by some of the lyrics I'd heard, so when I found the sermon insert in the pile, I just smiled. At the top of the page read:

Because of the LORD’s great love we are not consumed,
for his compassions never fail.
They are new every morning;
great is your faithfulness.
~ Lamentations 3:22-23 (NIV)

I found it curious, the differences in the translations. "...Not consumed", huh? My interpreter brain threw the sign "destroy" onto my hands. Whew! Grateful for that!

I pulled out my (ESV) bible to read a little more.

"The Lord is my portion," says my soul, "I will hope in Him." ~ verse 24

I will hope in Him. I smiled, nodded and sat on my bed.

"Hope". It's a word I have been thinking about lately, as I have been feeling more of it!

I searched for the NIV translation of the verse as well, to add to the bottom of this post. It read "...wait..." "... I will wait for Him."

This, too, was great encouragement and confirmation for me, as I continue to wait on Him to see how some things will unfold.

And as I wait for and hope in Him, I am continuously reminded:

Great is Thy Faithfulness, Lord unto me.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Lamentations 3:22-24 (ESV)

22 The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases;
his mercies never come to an end;
23 they are new every morning;
great is your faithfulness.
24 “The Lord is my portion,” says my soul,
“therefore I will hope in him.”

Lamentations 3:22-24 (NIV)

²² Because of the LORD’s great love we are not consumed,
for his compassions never fail.
²³ They are new every morning;
great is your faithfulness.
²⁴ I say to myself, “The LORD is my portion;
therefore I will wait for him.”

God's Sense of Humor

Sometimes, I think God has a really good sense of humor.... it's the only way I can make sense of some of thing things that, to my mind, are amusing or just plain out ridiculous.

But, maybe it's just that. Maybe it's ME trying to "make sense of" God. (now THAT is ridiculous!)

I will never understand the things that He has not laid out clearly before me. When I see bits and pieces and try to connect the dots myself, I may not see that this dot is not really connected to the next one - or at least not in the way I expect it to be.

He's funny, that God.

And it's just one of the things I love about Him.

The Power of Words

I went to see the latest Harry Potter movie with my son this evening. It was enjoyable - even having read the book.... even with my son (who has also - and more recently - read the book) piping up from time to time "yeah. That was in the book."

There was one quote that really spoke to me, though. Not because I believe words are "magic" - but I do believe they are powerful... and inexhaustible!

Words ARE capable of inflicting injury and remedying it. They can build up or tear down. They can unite and can scatter.

Help me to be cautious with my words, Lord - May I use them to encourage, to heal and empower others. Remind me that once spoken, they can not be taken back - and their damage may last a lifetime. Help me to choose wisely, the words spoken from my mouth.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~


"Words are, in my not so humble opinion, our most inexhaustible source of magic, capable of both inflicting injury and remedying it." ~ Albus Dumbledore

Putting Principles Into Action

For the past couple of weeks, I have been having a conversation with a new friend about being human, and our responsibilities to humanity. It's actually been very interesting to think about - and even better for me to have spent a few hours, sitting, thinking and writing down my ideas.

And then, today, I sort of laughed under my breath, as a realization came into focus. These people who have come into my life since then - are nothing more than an opportunity to put what I was taught into action.

The fact is that most of the ones I'm talking about annoy me on some level. Maybe it is that they trigger something within me - perhaps fear, anger, hurt. Or maybe it just feels more difficult to carry forth my responsibilities to humanity, when I feel "caution!" or a sense of mistrust deep within myself when they are near by.

Yet, I know they are part of this collective humanity, and deserve to be treated as such.

Lord, teach me to love them as You have loved me. Give me clarity on my hesitations, and strength of character and integrity to do what is right.

Blessings...

As I sit to write this blog post, Laura Story's song, "Blessings", has been running through my head for quiet a while. It has become a very special song for me, and tonight, every time I consider a topic, the chorus begins ... again.

The song itself resonates deep within me. In so many ways it describes me. I have at one point or another prayed for each of the things she sings of, and I have seen, over and over again, that He has heard "each spoken need Yet love[s me] way too much to give [me] lesser things". Thank You, God, for unanswered prayers.

I feel deeply convicted when she gets to the part that says "....as if every promise from your Word is not enough..." Ouch. It is so much more than "enough". It is generous beyond measure. Yet, I need reminding of that.

I consider the questions in the chorus. I know that so many have been true for me through the years.

I think back to the days when I would delight in a rainy summer day. I knew at some point, I would find myself standing on the deck, arms extended wide, quietly dancing with God with the oak trees swaying in the breeze just past my fingertips. It's one of the Things-of-the-Past that I would like to reintegrate into my present.

I've had the opportunity to do some reading and be challenged (and sometimes convicted) to live more intentionally. To decide what will take priority and where I will focus my attention. I can get so distracted by the urgent that I miss the important.

I can also miss a gift because it doesn't come packaged exactly as I expect it will.


So, Lord, what if your blessings DO come in raindrops?

Whether they do or not, I want to stand, open-armed in the pouring rain....
and dance with You!!

~~~~~~~~~

Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops?

What if Your healing comes through tears?

What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near?

What if trials of this life
Are Your mercies in disguise?

One Simple Question...

It was a simple question - in the midst of many - in our conversation. But it stuck with me.

We had been talking about his travel plans and how God was working to pull it all together. A quest to seek and to serve. To trust and to follow... a dream he had dared to dream, God is bringing forth in unimaginable ways.

And then he asked me: "so, what's next for you?"

"oh. I don't know..."

On my drive home, that question returned over and over again. Except now, I did know. I would return to my very safe, very "responsible" life of motherhood and culturally "appropriate" employment. It has it's rewards, on some level...

But the question persisted. It would be something to ponder in my next moment of solitude.

"Dare to dream!" a voice deep within challenged me. As quickly as it appeared, tears filled my eyes, and it was gone.

I made a mental note to write it down. It is important. That fleeting moment. Important.

You know the dreams in my heart, Lord. Help me to trust and to let You tease them out of me. Only You know where they may lead.

Mighty to Save

Anyone who knows me, knows that I love music - and lyrics speak to me... in a very powerful way. Frequently, my Facebook status updates are phrases that have resonated in my core, ministered to me, taught me something important, or are simply stuck in my head!

I believe that words are powerful and can be used mightily - to encourage or destroy. Add a melody that parallels or embodies the emotion and I'm all in.

A lesser known fact is that I frequently hit the snooze button on my alarm clock until a song is playing that moves me, inspires me, or catches my attention.

This morning was one such morning. The day would be a little more laid back, and I had been awakened entirely too early, so I was taking the opportunity to awaken to the "right" music. I knew I'd know it when I heard it.

And I did. This morning, it was the song Mighty to Save by Hillsong United. I shut off the alarm, rolled over and grabbed my phone. I clicked the "Daily Verse" app and could barely control the smile that crept upon my face.

Zephaniah 3:17. Now, Zephaniah is not a book that I've spent much time in, but there it was in front of me. Before my eyes was a verse that tied in so perfectly with the song I had just silenced, and was exactly the reminder I needed - He is here in our midst.

Here with me - rejoicing over me with gladness; quieting me with His love; and exulting over me with loud singing.

It just doesn't get any better than that!




Zephaniah 3:17

17 The Lord your God is in your midst,
a mighty one who will save;
he will rejoice over you with gladness;
he will quiet you by his love;
he will exult over you with loud singing.

On the Horizon

There is a lesson moving in, I can feel it. There are common themes occurring in uncommon places, and within me there is the gnawing battle.

One side feels it and longs for more. For quiet, introspective times to sit at His feet and take it all in. It wakes up in the morning, waiting, with anticipation, for the next sign of the topic, or perhaps, the lesson in it's entirety. It listens quietly for His gentle whisperings deep within, or to feel His hand on my face in the gentleness of the breeze.

The other screams "RUN!" It knows that when there is a lesson on the horizon, there will be change soon to follow. It knows, now - after many years of walking through whatever-lies-ahead (often with heels dug in and fingers grasping hold of anything lo0king stable enough to be helpful!) - that the lesson that comes ultimately brings hope and joy and freedom. But it also brings change.

And change - well, it's not such a big fan of change. The current situation may be hard, and uncomfortable - but it is known. What lies ahead is not. And... one cannot control what one does not know.

Ultimately, there is only one choice. I have too many previous encounters to ignore this.

I must step out on faith, believing with all my heart that He has plans for me. Plans to prosper me - not for evil - plans to give me hope, and a future.

I also hold tight to the knowledge that no matter what stands before me to walk through, I will not be walking alone.


Jeremiah 29:11 (ESV)

11 For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.

Past and Present

I've been doing a lot of reminiscing today - which comes right on the heels of some praying I have been doing lately. Well, actually some quick one liners: "Can you free me from THAT?"

The response always comes quickly, gently: "I already have. It is you who hold on to it". *sigh*

Being at camp has reminded me of my days at camp - and of that era of my life in general. Honestly, it's not one I would want to relive, for many reasons. But today, I recalled the time I was given on this rock. Hours and hours and hours of sitting and writing, of listening and crying out to God (though I would never have described it that way, then!) I grew a lot on that rock. More than I knew at the time.

There are things from that season of life that I miss - things that I could have again, if I put forth the effort.

Important things. Things that would help me grow.

But in order to do that, I must make room.

I must let go of other things.

Just Him and Me on The Box

I love those moments.

It's been a while since I've really allowed myself to experience it. Between work, running mental to do lists, and just a plain ol' bad attitude, most of my time on The Box recently has been purely utilitarian.

But, this morning, the to do list had me a little overwhelmed, so I focused purely in the moment at hand.

There I stand, on the interpreting box, listening to the lyrics, searching for the concepts, and letting go of my hands.

In doing so, I am able to realize, that He is there with me. I close my eyes, music playing, just Him and me on The Box. Peace. Quiet. Joy.

Teachable moments when my soul is still.

Thank You, thank You, thank You, God!

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Standing on Solid Ground

I was driving home from camp, my mind focused on how quickly the week had gone, and how abruptly I would be thrown back into real life - washing the clothes, mowing the grass and parenting the children.

The radio was playing in the background and one phrase shifted my train of thought: "It's hard to stand on shifting sand....." Immediately, I began thinking of our worldly culture in terms of shifting sand.

There had been many instances at camp that reminded me exactly how old I *really* am. The last one had occurred just a few hours prior. One of the older girl campers had been talking about knowing she would soon be missing her cabin mates.

Now trust me, I TOTALLY get that! I can totally relate to my daughter's tearful eyes saying "I miss camp...." and "I miss (my counselor)!" I LIVED that. I remember it like it was yesterday.

But this morning, I commented, "well ... at leas you have Facebook!". I started with, "when *I* was a camper...." and stopped myself. And then continued.... ".... we didn't have Facebook."

"Well, at least you had email!" she said, cheerfully.

"Uhm. no we didn't." I walked EVERY DAY to the mailbox, hoping for a letter.

But, I digress.

I see "kids these days", and overhear conversations between teens (and tweens even!), and am amazed at how things have shifted from when I was that age.... not all in a positive motion.

I thought of the world - of being in the world - and how difficult life is trying to stand in the shifting sands of culture, and what is OK and not OK - and popular and acceptable. And as soon as you think you get THERE.... it's shifted. Constantly changing!

I literally pictured myself walking in the soft sand at the ocean. It is HARD WORK. And, it changes with every step!

In contrast, there is solid ground. Rock. It stays there. Solid. Beneath my feet. Secure. Supporting me and giving me a place from which to start my journey. Like the Truth. For thousands of years, it remains. Unchanged. Applicable then. Applicable now.

I realize I can choose where I will try to place my steps - the sand, or the rock. The world or Christ.

He is my rock.

May I stand secure in Him.

Back in the Saddle

It continues to amaze me.... which I totally don't understand, except for the fact that I am human....and, have I mentioned before,... stubborn.

But - thank God - He is so much more.....and He continues to "stalk" me.

People continue to appear in my life, with a message or a smile, or a simple "hello, Linda". In that moment, they teach me. They model Christ to me. They speak the Truth.

By their actions, they help me improve my actions. I am often convicted as they sharpen me and encourage me.

They may not even be aware of the influence they have had on me in that moment.... often times, I realize it retrospectively. May I remember their kindness, their wisdom and their willingness to speak the Truth.

Tonight, I was drawn back to my blog. I have missed it.

I have missed the moments of quietly looking back on the day, of looking for God's footprints and fingerprints in my life. I miss sharing the undeniable presence of God in my life.

It helps me.

I need it.

I need Him.

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One Page of Many

I spent the day sorting, and ended up throwing out three larges boxes of paper - slotted for recycling, actually. What's amazing is that there is still so much more to go through.

But, in the midst of it all, I found one page that made my heart skip a beat. Judging from the handwriting, the skipped words and some mixed conjugations, it was one of those pages where I had to turn my internal editor off. The pencil was on the page, writing as fast as I could, without taking time to correct my human errors.

I wish I had dated it - so I would be able to put it more clearly into context. I know that it was several years ago.... it's been that long since I've written like that.

On the left hand side are numbers 1 through 16, each one followed by a question or a statement. Some are tender and loving and others are more direct, though never rude or uncaring. There are affirmations, declarations of affection, clarifications and questions to challenge my thinking or perceptions. All of God.

All are pertinent still - some more acutely than others.

It amazes me how eternal God is, and how stubborn I am.

WAAAAAAAY too long....

I know it has been way too long... which is why I had such an internal struggle to "skip" a day...

Suffice it to say that I continue to move forward - with God leading, encouraging, supporting, correcting, and extending gobs of love and mercy.

Since I last wrote, I have had a birthday, lost a grandmother, filed taxes, lectured and attempted to keep the day to day running smoothly for my kids as they sit for their state standardized testing.

I have learned much and have much to share about the active presence of God in my life.

I am so grateful.

As soon as a get a minute or two, I will share!

Light My Path

There are many steps to take this week....

Much to do.

All I ask is that You light my path and guide my steps...

Oh, and that "Redeem the time" thing.... that would be great too!

"Who Told You That You Were Naked?"

I have been sent back to Genesis a couple of times recently. Back to the place where Adam and Eve are hiding from God.

"Where are you?" He asks.

Not where - as in location - are you, but HOW are you?

After hearing that a couple of times - "Where are you?" - I began to think. It wasn't being asked OF me, but in context to the story.

So, I decided it was time to open The Book and read the story. How did they respond.... EXACTLY...? I wouldn't have surprised me one bit to find that their response was the piece that stirred something deep within me.... but it wasn't.

It was God's question following their response: "Who told you that you were naked?"

Uh... the serpent, of course! Well... not exactly. It was their decision to choose to listen to a voice other than God's, that brought the resulting feelings of shame.

I'm not sure I'm there EXACTLY, but it's a GOOD question. I keep hearing it with a blank: "Who told you that you were ____________?" The answer has never been "You, Lord."

What You have told me is that I am loved and forgiven, cherished and protected.

Why would I choose to listen to any other voice but Yours?

Help me to hear You above the noise of this earth.

Just Under the Wire

I remember the days when I had projects completed long in advance. Shopping, wrapping, mailing.

Deadlines were met without a second thought.

Now... not so much. These days we're living just under the wire: Book reports, science projects... and, oh yeah... taxes.

Soon, some of the bigger deadlines will be out of the way, and there will be more room to get a little time cushion on some of the smaller ones. (And, perhaps, even a few minutes to kick up my feet!)

I am grateful for all of the times God seems to "redeem the time" and allow things to be successfully completed! There is a time and a purpose to every season in this life. I'm sure one day this will all make sense....

Assurance...

Since I have had a few people comment, I thought I would officially let you know...

All is well.

I have been learning about "rest" and "must - do's" and "self-imposed standards", and realized that, I may be better off getting a little extra sleep, than blogging EVERY night, as I adapt to the new schedule.

I do hope to get back to it routinely as the schedule sort of settles out.

(Yes, I am also learning the word "no" - and using it!)

It's all good....

The One Thing I Am Sure Of...

It had been a rough morning. I was awakened early by the phone, and didn't sleep well afterward.

I tried to progress the day as usual, but had kind of a bad attitude, that infiltrated most areas. Mid day, I received an unexpected call to visit a patient, which I was able to do.

I headed out, my head cluttered with scrambled thoughts. I had found a verse before I left that reminded me that though I may feel pressed on all sides, I will not be destroyed. I tried to cling to that thought. But the internal chatter continued.

I heard a voice inside my head - part of the chatter, actually, asking me "Are you sure about that?". I didn't have a good response. I considered that for a moment. "Am I sure about that?" (which "that" we were referring to, wasn't exactly clear to me, so I attacked it from a different angle.)

OK.... what AM I sure about? I didn't feel sure about much at all. I continued with the line of thinking to find something. And I did. One thing:

I am sure that God has a hand on my life, and that He has a plan for me (and all that Jeremiah 29:11 promises!)

I'd been driving for a while, lost in my internal concerns, but, as I continued, I found myself admiring the view of the rural countryside. Spring had blossomed in the bradford pears and in the lush green fields.

What was dead is now vibrantly alive.... and more will be bursting forth soon as well!

Beauty for Ashes.

Again and again.

Thank You, God... for the springtime, for Your promises and Your reminder to me.

A Little Spring.... A Litle Break

It's spring break here for my kids. Me, it's cram-a-workweek-into-three-days-so-we-can-have-a-little-spring-break time.

There are definitely signs of spring. Signs of dead-looking things turning alive-looking again...which is hugely inspiring to me! I love spring. It exudes hope! It displays - daily!- Gods hand on the beautiful details of the earth, time and the seasons.

And....

There are definitely signs of a break! The next few days are unwinding days.... which is good!

God knows I need them!

Redeeming the Time

It's a phrase a friend of mine has used on several occasions... and I have adopted into my vocabulary - and prayer life!

Lord, help me "Redeem the time" today. Give me focus and direction, and wisdom in my day.

There is much to do.

Help me to prioritize and stay on task.

But most of all.... help me to look back at the end of it all, and see that the day has been touched by Your hand, in undeniable ways!

The Most Perfect Day!

Today has been the most perfect day!

I "slept in".... which really just means, I rolled over (again and again!) once I was awake and spent some quiet time talking with God an running a mental gratitude lists before I jumped up to begin the day.

After making some cornbread, I headed out to spend time digging in the dirt. My daughter joined me me in pulling weeds and planting some pansies. Of course there is still much to be done, but...

It was so nice to sit and enjoy a beautiful day - and find the irises under the thatch of dried grass!

The day ended with a fire in the fire bowl... and s'mores!

Thank You, God!

It has been a joy spending the day with You!

Curiouser and curiouser....

It's been an interesting evening on many accounts.

I have been shown many things. Most need some processing time.

God is at work. I know that for sure!

Asking, "where are you?"

He knows..... :)

One Down, One to Go

House refinanced - check.

Taxes.... a work on progress...

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In the Midst of an Ordinary Day

It happened in the midst of an ordinary day. I'd seen my patients, and was in the car rider line picking up my kids from school. I was toward the end I'd the line because I had waited to collect some girl scout cookie money from a few other moms. In the midst of that, it POURED!

And then, as I turned the corner, approaching the school, it slowed and then stopped. And there it was...

Above the trees, behind the elementary school staff shown a beautiful rainbow!

Thank You, God!

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Lent

So.... apparently, Lent has begun. Typically I give something up. Typically, that something is sugar.

It caught me a little by surprise, reading on Facebook about the Fat Tuesday events and King Cake. I haven't really thought it through much, made a decision. If I were to decide right now, I'd choose "balance". One more thing to "focus on" might topple me over the edge!

I understand the "giving up" and "sacrifice" and the significance of it - and have experienced the reminder in the midst of it... when I find myself "suffering" in the midst of my sacrifice, I remember Christ and His sacrifice. It kinda puts things in perspective.

I will listen for His voice and His direction in this matter, but for the time being, I will sit with a grateful heart, knowing that salvation is not dependent on my actions.

Life Interrupted

It's sort of the sub-plot of the bible study I've just started.... which is interesting for me.

Yes, absolutely, I am in a different place than I had expected to be years ago. Never in my wildest dreams nor on any of my "life goals" was found the phrase "single mom". But, here I am.

Somehow, by the grace of God things (mostly) get done. My priorities have had to change focus a bit.... but that's not necessarily a bad thing.

If nothing else, I have had the honor to experience the generous, unrelenting, faithful and unbelievably loving care of God.

He is my Provider, my Protector, my Shield and my Rock.

What more could a girl want....?

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Quiet...

It is amazing to me how quiet my house can be..... and so full of energy!

There are times for both, but right now, I am grateful for the quiet. It is an evening to rest.

Thank You, God for this opportunity.

I will accept this gift and use it well!

Greens and Yellows and Hints of Red

It was a beautiful day touring down the back roads of the county.

Spring is beginning to declare itself in these parts.

There are fields of yellow daffodils and others so green, they appear "colorized" compared to their surroundings. I even noticed a few trees with swollen hints of red buds beginning to burst into color.

It is a wonderfully, hopeful time of year.... and exactly what I need!

Thank You, God!

Your timing - as always - is perfect!

New LIfe

Oh the joy of spending just a couple of hours tending the earth!

The raspberries have been trimmed and I have wandered from garden to garden, assessing the tasks that need to be done. There are the beginnings of buds on some of the trees, and full out leaves in a couple of spots!

I am very, very excited about the prospect of spending spring evenings (or mornings!) pulling a few weeds and watering a few strawberries.

The fall did not go as planned in terms of clean up, so I am a little behind in that respect. BUT...

With the beginnings of spring comes the hope of new life.... and I find it very, very contagious!

Preparing to Tend the Earth

I am excited for this day! I plan to tend the earth!

I know in my head the vision for the gardens. I know the areas where I will start.

I know there is MUCH to be done! (and am excited that there are some days in which to do it coming up!) AND... I know God will be with me as I pull the weeds, turn the dirt and assess each tree and shrub for buds.

I can barely wait to witness spring emerging.... and hear what He has to say....

Well on the way.....

Renewal and refreshment!

I feel it.... it is well on the way!

And I just love that.... Thank You, God for ministering to me.... for holding and guiding, and loving me in the midst of it all.

Amen!

Rest for my weary soul

It was a delightfully rainy day. My schedule had been "messed up", which allowed me a day of rest... which was exactly what I needed.

I slept a little later, dropped the kids at school, and returned to my bed with the last if the charts I needed to complete.

When they were done, I set the alarm on my phone, and closed my eyes. I don't think I actually *slept*, but as I lay there, with the cat curled up beside me, I began a silent conversation with God. I said my piece, and lay silently until the alarm beckoned me.

Whether it was the silence or the stillness, or His presence with the cat and me, I don't know.... I do know I got up somewhat refreshed and in a better frame of mind.

Thank You, God!

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Restore Me, Renew Me

Tired.

Weary.

Exhausted.

It seems to be a good thing that my Monday is essentially unscheduled.

God and I have an appointment. We will sit, together, and I will see where He leads.

God and the Fed Ex Man...

Apparently, God sends messages via Fed Ex.

I have been in the process of refinancing my house. It is something I have put off and put off, because I knew the headache it would become.

But, finally, I replied online to a letter my mortgage company sent.... and I included the balance of my credit cards in the amount requested. So the process began.

As I waited to hear, I went back and forth about whether or not I should just refinance the house (and use the savings toward the card), or lump it all together.

One of the things I dread in the process is the home inspection / appraisal. I don't know if it's because they then set a value to something that I feel is "priceless", or if it's the whole stranger-in-my-home-critiquing it.

Needless to say, I prayed my way through that day, clinging fast to Philippians 4:6 (Do not be anxious about anything....). But, the value that was placed on it would then determine my loan amount.

About an hour before he was due, I noticed a car parked in front of my house. I knew that was him. My prayer became more direct: "OK, God. You lead this. Whatever You say it should be worth. Whatever You think I should do regarding the card. Whatever. Where You go, I'll go..."

He then called, asking permission to begin early. "sure. whatever." As he is measuring the exterior of my home, the Fed Ex truck backs into my driveway. I run through my memory for anything I may have ordered that would come Fed Ex. Nothing. Birthday? Nope not yet. Uhm... anything? Nope.

This skinny old man comes leaping through my front yard, commenting on how soft the rain has made the ground and encouraging me to stay put on the porch so I don't get wet.

He hands me a letter from my mortgage company. Lower rate. No closing costs. (no home appraisal - but it's already done).

But I can only refinance the current mortgage balance.

"OK God. Where You go, I'll go...."

"Suicide by Lifestyle Choices"

"Suicide by lifestyle choices". I heard that said in a discussion group, and I thought "wow. Interesting concept".

As the month has progressed, I have heard a lot more about "choices" and "Lifestyle", and how what we think determines our choices. I do agree with that.

And, I do agree with the "suicide by lifestyle choices" concept. I am guilty as charged. I frequently choose the "easy" way out: Grabbing something quick vs. preplanning and preparing my food for the day, putting off the walk until it no longer fits into my schedule. Other times I forget that not choosing to do something, in the end, often has the same results as choosing not to. By not deciding, I have decided.

I am certainly aware of the consequences of my choices: obesity with all it's host of complications - heart disease, diabetes, stroke.... the list goes on. I don't want that.

But apparently, I don't not want it enough to decide to choose more healthily.

I did go to an adult fitness workshop in the place of my MMA class. It was so wonderfully awful! You know, I am glad that I went and I should do more of that - and would like the results - but, being in the midst of it... *whew* Let's just say, at one point, I actually wept when I opened my eyes and Jesus wasn't standing there in front of me to take me home... Honestly and truly. At that moment, I was ready.

But, it has gotten me thinking again about "suicide by lifestyle choices". Help me to choose wisely! .... to WANT to choose wisely.

One Day....

..... there will be more time to write.

For now.... enjoying the fullness and richness of life.

Thank You, God!

A Miracle...

Thank You God for Kyra Lael!

'nuf said.

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As Simple and as Hard as That

So many thing in life come packaged in dichotomies.

Things that are so simple - and yet so hard! (Staying out of the Girl Scout cookies, for example!)

It goes back to that knowledge and APPLIED knowledge.

Thus Far, I have gotten through the simple difficulty of avoiding cookies!

Here's hoping for three in a row!

Right in the Midst of it all

I was thinking back to this morning - interpreting the music at church. Two new songs, no "lyrics helper" in the audience. See, the words don't always come clearly to me with the speaker above my head. And then I noticed it. The screen on the back wall had the words flowing! YES! Yay God! Your timing is perfect!

And as I sit to write, and think through my day and my week past and my week to come, I see God here and there, and I realize: Right in the midst of it all, He is there.

It doesn't matter if my house is unusually quiet with my children away, or if it is loud and active. It doesn't matter if we are running errands or heading off to activities. If we are at home, or stuck in traffic. Right there, in the midst of it, is He.

Creator of heaven and earth - and everything from here to there - is right here in the details of my everyday life.

I am so, so blessed.

The Thorn

I was at my Mom's in Touch group - we take a moment t0 quietly stand before God before we enter into prayer for the teachers, students and schools themselves. In that moment, I asked again, "please take this from me...." In the silence that followed I knew deep in my heart that this was not one that would be removed.

The words to a favorite Mosaic song played in the background of my mind, ".... if you choose to leave this thorn, I'll need Your grace to carry on...Then the world will see, In my weakness, You are strong...."

I have played through those events again and again in the hours that have passed since then, patiently waiting for acceptance. Til then, the song plays on in my head.

I sit quietly mustering the strength to walk with this thorn - to accept His grace, surrender my self and let Him be strong in my weakness.

I can't do it myself. We both know I have tried...again and again.

I can't. He can.

I think I'll let Him.

It's as simple - and as difficult - as that.

Knowledge

I was reminded today about knowledge - and the fact that there are two types of knowledge.

There is the knowledge of simply knowing and there is the knowledge with action.

The latter is where I need to be...

on so many levels.

And Now.... I Wait...

The ducks are in a row.

The fax has been sent.

And now...

I wait...

.... And Now, I know....

NOW, I remember why I have put off this paperwork process for so long....

NOW, I remember what a pain it is gathering EXACTLY the right combination of "stuff".

NOW, I know....


BUT...

I also know what a blessing it will be to have it all complete! So, I move forward....

And THEN...

I get to start my taxes.... :)

Thus Far....

I was reminded in a conversation today of the time that surrounded my divorce.

It was an amazing time: Incredibly painful, and incredibly God-filled.

I will never forget that Friday morning in November when I showed up at my bible study - feeling lost and afraid, and uncertain about what the future held. I knew my marriage was imploding and not likely to survive. I sat and listened to Beth Moore talking about the Israelites, and how one day, when they weren't sure where exactly they were going, but knew that God was with them, they stood up a stone, and as Beth said it: "We have no idea where we are going from here, but THUS FAR, God has been with us".

It was like I was propelled at light speed through the years of my life til that moment. Again and again, I could see God's active participation in my life. Time and time again, there He was. Leading. Guiding. Comforting. Protecting. Again and again and again. Emmanuel - God with us - or me in particular!

And then came peace. The peace that transcends all understanding (phil 4:7) surrounded me. Each day as I walked forward in this peace, I witnessed - day after day, for months at a time - the very ACTIVE presence of God in my life.

And, as this memory returned to me on the drive home, I became very quiet, and tears filled my eyes.

Even now - though I am not in crisis - I can still say, "Thus Far, God has been with me...."

I continue to be loved beyond measure and grateful beyond words...

Near Pefection

Today may have been one of the most perfect days ever.... Certainly in a long, long time... and absolutely well-timed after the previous week of child-illness stress.

I had planned the day to be off. By all accounts, my son would be home with me again, regaining his strength. When I tucked him in, I inquired and when I woke him up, I inquired. When he said he didn't think he could go to school, it seemed reasonable. The most I'd seen him do in a week is spend one hour sitting up, in front of the computer. The rest of the week, he had spent semi-reclined, if not horizontal.

But to everyone's surprise, when we got to the parking lot, he asked "Could I TRY to go to school?" "ABSOLUTELY!" We had planned to walk his valentine's box and the cards for his classmates in to his room - for exercise and endurance if nothing else! Fortunately, it was a scheduled "pajama day". (Yay God!) I expected a call shortly after the pledge of allegiance, but no... he lasted ALLL day!

I got home (after returning to school with his snack, that I (naturally) hadn't packed), and had the opportunity to walk the neighborhood with a friend.

After that was half a dozen 5-minute jobs that were outstanding (and on my last nerve!), the laundry and some mindless time filling the kick bag base with sand. (It's only been waiting, oh - how long ago was Christmas?)

I inspected the trees and shrubs for bud swelling - since my walking-buddy had spied the tulip greens popping through the soil near my mailbox.

The windows were open all day, so my house smells like a spring day. I even had time to do nothing but sit ... THREE times.... once on the porch in the sun, twice snuggling the cat.

The kids had an unexpected playdate after school, which allowed me the opportunity to vacuum and scrub the bathroom floor.

It just doesn't get much better than that! (well, a little time actually tending the earth - but that is soon to come!!)

Valentine's Day

It's funny to see the difference in preparations for Valentine's Day between my son and my daughter.

The day she got her notice about the party, we bought her Valentines and immediately upon arriving home, she carefully picked which card was best suited for each kid in her class. My son also got his Valentine's cards that day, but he waited til the night before to fill them in (I will cut him a LITTLE slack - being sick and all....). But his approach was totally different as well. Next kid on the list gets the next card in the stack. Guess it's a boy-thing....

It will be interesting to see how Valentine's Days unfold in the next few years.

God watch over and protect us all!!

Building Endurance

It is amazing how quickly a week of bedrest just zaps you of all your energy.

As I watch my son try to function, I remember back to my experience with trying to rebuild my endurance! I had spent a week in the hospital, shortly after graduating from nursing school. It was just before Christmas, and my unscheduled time away had left me behind. I decided we would simply swing by the mall on our way home from the hospital. I'd had plenty of time to figure out my list.

One problem: By the time I'd walked from the car to the mall, I was exhausted. I sat in the food court and my friend finished my shopping for me.

With that in mind, I watch my son. I have one more day to try to figure out what the best approach should be for school on Monday.

Hope...

I am seeing hope.... inside and outside of my home.

Outside, there is hope of spring. Warmer days are promised and the recent snowfall will soon be melting. There is hope of spring days, spring flowers and time to tend the earth. I noticed myself this morning searching for green sprouts where the daffodils typically bloom.

Inside, there is hope of wellness. My boy-child has had a difficult week - between his malaise, his cough, and his mother constantly reminding him to "drink". Tonight, he is breathing easier through his nose, and there is hope that he won't need to sit in my shower at 2am. Perhaps we will all get better rest and all awaken refreshed.

Thank You, God, for hope. I can't live without it!

Quite a Week

It has been quite a week, juggling the demands of work and family. Weeks like this - with a sick kid, snowed-out school, and a work deadline that could not put off, made me instantly aware of my gratitude for my village...

The things I realized later were more deeply buried in my life. Single motherhood is hard. I somehow -by the grace of God- manage to keep us basically on track. But, throw in a bump, and getting back on track is harder. This week, I think perhaps the snow days have helped....but I don't know....

The one thing I DO know that has helped....knowing without a doubt that our needs will be met.

Thank You, God!

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.... And Again....

It's hard to believe it's snowing.... AGAIN!

It has certainly been an atypical winter. LOTS of snow, and not so much school...

I have to admit, I do like the "down time" that being unable to get out allows..... but I miss the routine.

I am looking forward to a "no alarm clock" morning - and time to make a "real" breakfast. I have also enjoyed the time to sit and care for my son. My daughter has enjoyed an afternoon of talking with her friends on the phone and catching on her Webkinz.

I'm just glad I don't have to get out...

I am grateful to be safe and warm with my family. All we have needed, Thy hand hath provided...

Praying...

I am praying for a little one tonight that has had an unbelievable story thus far.

I am praying and believing that her story is so undeniably of God, that His hand is upon her and her family in an equally undeniable way.

I am praying that all who come to know and love her will be touched, and their lives changed - that they will see God's handiwork and his miracles in her life.

I am praying that her family feels You - right there amongst them!

You know her, Lord...

I have yet to meet her.


Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.

Yet Another New England Snowfall

... here in Middle Tennessee!

The flakes started abruptly - BIG, HUGE, beautiful flakes. One minute it was raining, the next, it is white as far as we could see.

It piled up quickly, too. Three inches, suddenly covered the landscape.

It is beautiful - and I am grateful I have no where important to go on Tuesday.

Wednesday, now that's a different story...

Thank You, God for the beauty you bring, and the silence in the snow.

Our Day of Rest

We took Sunday as our day of rests.

My son took a nap in my bed. I took a nap on the couch. My daughter elected to unwind in a game of Fairy-something-or-other on the computer.

There is much to be said for a day of rest and for a nap. Probably why God modeled that for us in His "work week".

I have much to learn....poco a poco - little by little - I'll get there.

Awaiting Spring

I have got to say, I'm looking forward to spring. As I was driving the back roads of the county the other day, I was reminded of what a beautiful place this is. This earth. This area.

Soon it will be spring, and I will get to travel those country roads again, with the landscape blooming forth. I'm curious to see what will appear. Which of the trees will bloom, and which of the houses have tulips and daffodils sleeping around them. Where is the forsythia and where are the irises? Better yet, the dogwoods and the redbuds - they are my favorite, those redbuds!

I don't want to rush it. I know each season has it's intended purpose, but I am curious.

And as I continued to drive, I found myself humming and then singing:

"For the beauty of the earth...."

Heavenly Whisperings

I love those little bits of guidance that cone whispering into my ear. "check your minutes...." I made note of that. I had a full day driving around in my new job. Most of the calls I needed to make were not "in network"... they were businesses and land-lines.
So, while a little overstimulated with the running follow-up list, 2 extra kids at home and a dinner time urgency approaching, I checked my minutes.
Let's just say, it was a prime example of how listening and following through, benefited me. I had gone through half of my monthly allotment.... one the FIRST day of the billing cycle.
Needless to say, one quick phone call - and an additional three dollars per month - has me switched to unlimited talk, text and data....

Thank you God for your gentle guidance and protection!

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Hard Work...

I was giving a massage the other day. The client was a single mom, talking about other single moms. She made a comment about it being "hard work".

That made me pause for a minute as I acknowledged, that it is indeed hard work.

It's only been the past few years that I even considered myself a "working mother" - though I have worked outside of the home my kids' entire life. But, it's always been part time.

As they have grown, I have been able to add more "part time" to my previous "part time", to give me something close to "full time".

It's amazing, though...I still have the luxury of being "Mom".

It is hard work... but I am so blessed.

And I wouldn't trade it for the world!

Elders

My new job has me working primarily with the elderly. I have spent so many years of my life working in the world of trauma - thus primarily younger folks.

I am realizing that I have a special place in my heart for these older folks. I love talking with them, and caring for them.

Perhaps, they give me hope. Perhaps they just open up that place where I feel God at work.

Either way... I'm lovin' it!

The Three Little Pigs, and Other Such Trios.

I am reminded, as I sit here, of the Three Little Pigs.

The wind is "huffing and puffing" - and I hear it swirling through the fireplace flue. The wind chimes - both by the front door and on the deck - are clanging wildly. The lights have flickered on and off - and fortunately for us, have stayed on in my neighborhood.... others have not been so lucky.

From the Three Little Pigs, my mind travels to other trios. The next one to come to mind is the Three Stooges.... and the "see-n0-evil, hear-no-evil, speak-no-evil" monkeys. I think of the 3-stranded rope, and the strength that it possesses.

And... I think of the Trinity. Father. Son. Holy Spirit. I think of His hand protecting me, safe in the cleft of the rock. And I think that is where I shall sleep: safe in the cleft of the rock, protected by His hand.

"Spend Free" February

And so it begins... February.

Ours will be "Spend Free".

It was an idea I got through Facebook... from a friend who was replying to a comment of a woman I don't even know (Facebook is a little curious to me like that.... anyhow, I digress....). They were making through with what they had - a "Spend Free" January.

That thought clung to me, and I knew I would have to do it. I began to think about what that would really mean for me.

Spend Free, let's see:

* No Fast Food - if I know we wouldn't be home near a mealtime, I'll have to plan ahead
* No extraneous "stuff" - Lord knows we don't need anymore "stuff".
* Finishing up the dozen (or so) bottles of shampoo we have hanging around the house - buying on sale doesn't do me any good if we don't use it!!

Of course I will spend money on food and gas, and my bills, but we're going to have a month of meeting our needs - not our wants or conveniences.

God help us all!

(Fortunely, February is a SHORT month....)